Support for all who are living with estrangement

Starlady - "Cheerios"? Muesli, if you please! ?

I agree with you that it's probably counterproductive and misguided on the whole to assume that parents who are going NC are doing so because they intend to be abusive. A combination of factors may underpin the decision and confrontation or forthright labelling is probably much more likely to lead to more stonewalling or other unhelpful behaviour, ill-feeling and a deepening of negative attitudes on the part of the parent than it is to moving forward together in a more rewarding direction.

I suppose that it's wise to bear in mind that we can all be irrational at times, jumping to conclusions, getting very uptight and taking self-righteous or highly defensive action in ways that strike us as a bit ridiculous with embarrassed hindsight and reflection. Many of us may also be quite likely at times to avoid talking about difficult experiences, concerns, relationships and feelings for fear of being too exposed and vulnerable and because we worry about how the other person will react. As for social trends - e.g. the popularity these days of declaring other people to be "toxic" - many of us, especially users of social media and readers of popular women's magazines, are probably a lot more susceptible to their influence than we realise.

Cherries please come to the RL meet up I think you are wonderful

Joyfulnanna - thank you very much. You are extremely kind. Unfortunately I can't manage to come to the RL gathering which is taking place soon but I hope to join you at a future date. Take care x x

Miserable day. Watched video of GC, showed hubby, we both got upset. There are reminders everywhere, out shopping , other Grandparents with their grandchildren, gifts I would of bought, places we would of visited...AC and DIL will be poisoning her, all so sad as we were incredibly close. Sorry ladies, just wish I could crawl under a stone or hibernate ! ?..

I know Aquamarine.. Its so very hard being without our GC.. I have to look away when I see other GPS with their GC. It makes me feel so sad. I want to sink down and cry

Please read my pm to you.

Aquamarine, I feel your pain and know that nothing will take it away. Such a blow is hard. Glad you have Mr Aqua to share your emotions with. See my pm.

Aquamarine & all I understand exactly what you feel. I don't look at photo's or videos anymore and have put everything away now. Constantly looking made us flit between sad and angry and we have found it easier not to have these reminders around, not that we need reminding as they are always on our minds, of course.
I sat near a little family yesterday and I wondered when I heard one of them speak, is my youngest GC speaking, are they holding a cup, what are they doing?? I found myself just watching the children and realised I must look like a weirdo so took myself off. It isn't as bad now as it used to be, and hopefully your pain will ease too, but I can't lie and say I've completely moved on.
My DH and I are off on a jaunt next week, to have a look around an area I've picked out as one we might move to. The planning is keeping me busy and along with the training I'm doing for a different. erm "career" path, I'm filling my time which helps.

Really feel all your pain.
Looked at birthday cards for grandchild yesterday. So sad, couldn't decide whether to buy one or not. Hate the thought that dil might get pleasure throwing it in bin. Even though there would be money in it as present not wanted.
Feeling really sad today as recently heard a song that used the name my son used to call me.
How could this happen with someone I loved and supported so much.
So glad we can post on here with people who understand.

itstormy - I put cards in a keepsake box for our gc as, like you, I know they'd be binned. I put money away for them every month, so if they ever do seek us out they can see e thought of them and marked their Birthdays even though we can't see them. I used to put gifts in the box too but have stopped that now, just save some money instead.

Me again! Just to add we couldn't send cards etc anyway as we don't know where they live now.

Dontaskme I got a lot of pleasure thinking about the possibility of Mr. S. and I moving. Going on the internet and looking at properties, most of which were abroad, filled many empty and painful hours.

I was 'planning' 2 or 3 years ahead for when he retired, but as it turned out, we moved less than 30 miles away while he was still working.

It's made such an enormous difference to our mental and physical welfare and just goes to show that you don't have to move a great distance to enjoy the benefits.

Smileless, yes I did refer to you and your move (7/4 18.25) when I first mentioned our possible plans.

It won't be for a while but, as you said, its good to have something to think about, filling time, and a move away from the harsh memories could be just the ticket. I know you've mentioned it helped you and that's what made me think seriously about it too.

So pleased its made such a positive difference in your lives, and fingers crossed that if and when we do it the same will apply

TBH I hope we like the area we're off to look at next week (its somewhere we have been before but not with a view to living there) but also hope we don't find the perfect place with a "For Sale" board as we're nowhere near ready!

It’s 9 months tomorrow since I last saw my son and his children little did I know at the time that it would be the last time I saw him. I am thinking of taking all the photos down of him and his children it hurts just to look at them and think about what they are doing now how the children will have grown is the littlest one walking and talking. Would that be awful of me to do this?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I understand how you feel Bopeep.. Its your choice and if it makes you feel less sad to take them down, you should. How are you marking birthdays and Christmases? Are you putting cards or presents in a box for them to have at a later date? I don't know what to do with the things I've bought. They're just in a spare room in the vain hope that when things change, the presents and cards can be opened. As the months pass, I get more dispirited. It's hell. Love to all of you in the same situation.

Joyfulnanna up until February we sent the birthday and Christmas presents, via post, but in February I got a letter from my DIL asking us to no longer send gifts or cards as they had a family discussion with the children and as a family they felt it was the correct thing to do. So I don’t know what I will do when the time comes.

They are disgusting that's all I can say..

When and where is the gathering please.

Oh, lol, sorry Cherries! Don't know why I wrote it that way!

I have pm'd you Cosmos

We still send Christmas and birthday cards to our GC; never been asked to stop. Pretty sure I'd carry on though but all any of us can do is what we're comfortable with.

Hope your initial search goes well Dontaskme. It's a huge decision and buying and selling is stressful at the best of times.

Thinking seriously about a move purely because you need to put some geographical distance between you and your estranging AC does make it more difficult but if you get to that stage, and felt as we did it was the best solution and in our experience, leaving the house where we'd raised our children wasn't nearly as upsetting as we'd thought it would be.

It was a huge relief and beginning of a new chapter.

So sad to hear that beautiful pix of ac and gc that gps usually enjoy are making some people unhappy! I agree if that's the case, better to put them away.

Aqua, please don't apologize for expressing your pain here. This is the place to do it. If it's any comfort, I don't think they're spending time poisoning gd's mind against you. I imagine they avoid speaking of you (sigh), and if she asks, just say you're "busy" like they did before. Coward's way out, IMO, but since they've said it before, that's probably what they're saying now. Too

Dontasskme, I think it's good that you're moving. It gives your mind something positive to dwell on. And, hopefully, your experience will be like Smileless'.

Itstormy, I wouldn't send money, as tempting as it is. Too much of a chance they'll just keep it themselves and not give it to your gc. I'd save money for gc, instead as Dontaskme does. If you put some away every year on gc birthday, then you have a way of marking the birthday and the comfort of knowing gc will get the money someday if gc reaches out to you. Or you can leave it to them or something.

Joyfulnana, again, since I'm not currently in this situation, Idk what I would do with gifts, etc. I think it's worth keeping them for now in case ds reaches out and things are resolved. If that doesn't happen, you can always give them to a children's charity someday.

Thank you Starlady. You're a real gem. I enjoy reading your posts.