Retirement panic

If he says you can’t afford two homes, surely you can’t afford an expensive boat?

DH says we can't afford to keep two homes going

Is DH correct about this?
Even if he is, his plan re the boat is monumentally selfish.

If you do make a joint house purchase, ensure that he contributes as much as you do to the cost.
And don't subsidise his expensive boat purchase.

Why are some posters niggling on about the WHY of the OP's marriage?
Just accept what you've been told.

Don't rent out your home, if you go for a trial period together.

Tenants can bring a whole load of other problems, which can be especially upsetting if they are in your own home.

Also, if the togetherness doesn't work well, you'd be limited in when you can get back into your home if there are tenants there.

I have a vision of you in a small house you don't like very much while your DH is away for months on his boat. Unless you are very keen on the idea of sailing too but it doesn't sound like it.

Well that's fine. But you did say in your first post that you're both happy to get back to your own lives after a few days together, so it obviously suits you. For what it's worth, I can't see you both living happily in a small house (or a boat) 24/7 after 20 years in separate homes.

Once more..DH's career meant he HAD to work away from home. We couldn't move every time he had a new work project. I didn't CHOOSE to live alone all week.

If you sell both houses, then I think CG tax is going to be payable on one of the properties? It's my understanding that as a "married couple" you can only have one house designated as your "main" home - and thus tax-free when sold. I'd look into the legalities of this. (This doesn't apply if you aren't legally married.) Can I just add that while DH & I have had 35 wonderful years together, I wouldn't give us another six months if we had to share a boat...

Cross posted there, OP. I don't think that trying to understand something is necessarily being judgemental.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but I can't get my head round getting married to someone you only want to see at weekends. Yes, I know we're all different, but I've never come across a marriage that started off and continued like this for such a long time. Plenty that might have ended up this way!

I quite fancied a boat myself until I read some of the comments on here. Another dream shattered.

Again, lots of kind and thoughtful advice here.
BUT...to the people who asked why we married in the first place. Firstly, we have been together for 20 years, which is a lot longer than some people who live together full time. Secondly, we have spent all our weekends and holidays together when DH was not at work and lastly, why do some people have to be so judgemental? I am assuming their marriages are super happy and they are too narrow-minded to accept that some people have a different lifestyle.
But I am having difficulties with the situation now, just like the dozens of other OPs on here with Relationship problems.

And be assertive. Just say no. Dont let anyone make you do something you don't want to do. no need to feel guilty. You're not doing anything wrong

Some great suggestions for you Rufussmum. I think your DH selling his house and living with you to see how that works for you both is a very good idea.

If that works for you both, and you're in agreement then he could buy a boat. As already mentioned, if it has sleeping quarters etc. he could spend some of his time on board, giving each of you your own space.

Mr. S. retired 6 weeks ago, it's great but we are both having to find our feet now our lives have changed. He has to get used to not going to work and I have to get used to him being at home a lot more.

I can't imagine us having to get used to this if we'd never actually lived together so I think you need to take this one step at a time, and for both of you to be as certain as you can be, before making any final decisions.

Good luck.

Do not sell your house no no no! Breeze came up with an idea that sounds good in theory- letting him buy a boat and move in with you. The only thing is you are married so I doubt that legally you could get him to leave easily again without divorcing him. .
Some suggested a trial period together but knowing you can leave again might influence how you feel or act with each other. Your husband might make a great effort then stop when you move in permanently.
I wonder whose idea it was to get married and why? Was there maybe a reason other than love? I hope you have taken care of your will.
I think if you are happy as you are and can afford to maintain yourself then stick with it. My husband and I were together ten years before we moved in together simply for practical reasons and although we love each others company we do still need a lot of our own space If you reach a stage where you actually would benefit from living together ie someone is no longer able to look after him/herself then you could think about it. I think you know you don't want to.

Surely, if they are married it wouldn't make any difference if Rufusmum kept "her" house in her name? If they decided to split because they found they couldn't live under the same roof, then wouldn't all assets be taken in to account and shared equally because they are married?

My thoughts have been as the majority on here, not to sell your own house.
What if Rufusmum's DH, sold his house, bought a boat, decided it wasn't his dream after all, and moved in with Rufusmum? If they then decided that living together was not compatible, could he be asked to leave? What if he decided not to?
All sorts of horrible thoughts come to mind.
Rufusmum, make sure you keep your own property, in your own name, and speak your mind . If the very thought of sharing a smallish house is making you feel depressed now, what will it be like, if it became reality?
As others have said, Don't Do It !!!

After ten fairly unhappy years being married to my ex, he suggested selling our large four bed house which was purchased between us when we got together, to downsize and release the cash by 50%. I imagined being stuck with him for ever more, so told him my idea of selling up halving the money, him going his way and me going mine, which is what we did. I never regretted it for one minute.

Aepgirl we are all different and live different lives to suit. A marriage of 20 years suited two people for those 20 years. Vive la difference.

Keep your houses and your separate accounts. Let him use his lump sum to put down on a boat if that is what he wants. If you do live with each other do it in one of your 2 houses and rent the other one out so that it is available for the person who owns it to return to it.. Do not throw away your independence by allowing him to live with you, claim to own part of your house, and buy a boat. One person cannot manage a large boar so as someone said joining a sailing club and crewing for someone who has bought a large boat may be an option.

It’s their marriage and has worked for them but they could have moved in together any time during the past twenty years but didn’t. Why not? Because they’ve been happy the way things were.
Lots of good advice on here about costs etc - maybe not something DH has considered.
If it’s a narrow boat he wants then he could buy it from the proceeds of his house sale and live on it most of the time and with OP the rest.
I’m sure he’s a very nice man but I think he’s being a bit selfish.

Rufussmum, my brother had a similar dream, he & my SIL sold their lovely house, bought a narrowboat & lived on it for 5 years. It was a constant nightmare & a huge drain on their finances. They both aged with the worry, the cold, the break-ins, & the effort involved in every normal activity. They sold it eventually at a £30,000 loss and now live in a small flat. Was it worth it? They think not, except he got something out of his system.
Sorry to sound bleak, but these decisions have long term consequences. Good luck with your decision.

I think this is an extraordinary situation. Why did you marry in the first place? It seems to me that you both want the best of both worlds - what I would call selfish.

Dont give up your house if you love being there. OH can sell his house, buy his boat and get a small flat,problem solved? if you like boating you can still join him there when you want to, dont be persuaded to do anything you dont want to, especially at this time of your life.

Wow - thanks everyone. So much wisdom on here and it seems most people are of the same opinion.
Yes, we have had an unusual marriage; my idea of boating would be a sunny day, smooth river and glass of white; his idea is narrowboat for longer stretches; my house is in my name only; trial share a good idea.
Much to think about and you are all right - I should follow my instinct and look after my own interest. Will keep you posted.

I'm new to this forum but can I just say that if I did have a problem I would certainly air it here as all answers I've read have been really knowledgeable and helpful.
"Here's to the start of a beautiful friendship"

I suggest keeping your house in your name and keep your own money. He can sell his house and buy a houseboat which he can then chug up and down the water and live on it. You need to talk and tell him what you want I am afraid doing it his way is going to lead to trouble for you. Good luck