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Retirement panic

(159 Posts)
Rufussmum Tue 18-Sep-18 19:44:03

My DH has always worked away from home and, as we had separate (but very modest) houses when we got together, we kept it that way. I had my own work/friends etc and we would meet up at weekends, usually at his house.
Now about to retire - he is 72 - he wants us to sell both houses and find somewhere together. The trouble is, we have never lived together and I am not sure I want to start now. I am used to my own space and after a few days together I think we were both happy to get back to our own lives.
He is also intent on spending a big chunk of the equity in his house on an expensive boat. This would mean any joint property wouldn't be much better than the ones we live in now.
I am torn between what I suppose I should do (agree to move in together as we are getting on a bit) and facing the fact that the thought makes me feel very depressed.
DH says we can't afford to keep two homes going,
We have been marries for 20 years - second time for both.
Any thoughts please?

Coolgran65 Tue 18-Sep-18 19:57:46

"""""I am torn between what I suppose I should do (agree to move in together as we are getting on a bit) and facing the fact that the thought makes me feel very depressed. """

I think this says it all.

If you do sell up and live together can you do so without resentment with regard to the boat etc. And if it gets all a bit claustrophobic.... it's a bit late to then start to set up separate homes again, even if it was possible, considering a substantial sum of money would be in the boat.

NanaEm Tue 18-Sep-18 20:10:23

So he wants to sell his house and buy himself a boat and you sell your house which you are happy in and you both squeeze into something smaller which is going to make you “feel very depressed”. Hmmmm there’s not a lot in that arrangement for you. My philosophy has always been when in doubt don’t. If you are satisfied that you can’t afford to keep your current two houses going could you maintain the lifestyle that seems to have worked up to now by selling up and buying two smaller cheaper to run properties? After all there are ongoing expenses in running a boat so why not a small flat for example. Hope you can find a solution and my advice would be to ensure it works for you as well as him. Good luck.

Situpstraight1 Tue 18-Sep-18 20:43:07

It sounds as though you need to start speaking up, tell him what you want, if you don’t want a boat then tell him!

Tell him you want a house with lots of room so that you can live together without being on top of each other.

You are supposed to be in a partnership don’t let him walk all over you, Speak Up!

Rufussmum Tue 18-Sep-18 21:10:14

Thanks to everyone who replied. The houses we have now are both small and we are unlikely to get anything cheaper. I do find myself feeling very claustrophobic after a few days in the same house. I know this decision will be 'forever' as we won't be able to change things again.
I haven't been used to speaking us for myself I think, especially if it means disappointing someone else.

M0nica Tue 18-Sep-18 21:15:19

He wants to spend all his capital and some of yours on a boat, while what's left of your money will buy a small house for both of you hmm.

Do you share his enthusiasm for boating? Will you be joining in enthusiastically, with all the boat based activities or will it just be his (expensive) hobby? Will he expect you both to be pooling your incomes to finance the shared household and the boat.

Boat owning, whether it is a floating hideout, that never leaves the riverbank or marina, gin palace wandering up and down the Thames or a sailing cruiser, is an expensive hobby, we did it for a couple of years. A lot of his money will go on it. Who will pay the home based bills?

Soupy Tue 18-Sep-18 22:00:59

Stay in your own home for now as presumably you can afford to keep the house going by yourself.

Scribbles Tue 18-Sep-18 22:01:42

If I felt as reluctant as the OP, I certainly wouldn't give up my own place.

However, if you really, really want to feel you've given the idea proper consideration, why not let your own house for 6 or 12 months and move in with OH for a trial run? At the end of that time, you should have a pretty good idea of whether or not you want to make the arrangement permanent.

luluaugust Tue 18-Sep-18 22:09:11

Unless you are really going to enjoy the boat as well please don't sell your house. The problem is going to be him selling his house, buying the boat and moving in with you! Get talking fast before things go where you don't want to, you really sound very uncertain. As you think you were both happy to return to your own homes do talk to him about this.

Melanieeastanglia Tue 18-Sep-18 22:16:29

I think I'd do what Scribbles has suggested.

You haven't said whether or not you wish to go on the boat. I think quite a lot depends on how interested you are in sharing this possibly quite expensive hobby.

Also, I think much depends on how well he treats you generally.

I wish you well.

sodapop Wed 19-Sep-18 08:53:07

I would do as scribbles suggests as well. It's a big life change for both of you and you need to let head rule heart I think.
Unless you are keen on the idea of owning a boat there doesn't seem to be a lot for you with the arrangement your husband has proposed. There are times when we have to say 'no' even if it means upsetting people - this is one of those times. Good luck.

Flossieturner Wed 19-Sep-18 09:00:25

I would write down all the advantages for you both of moving in together

His list

I get to spend my time and money on a boat
I get someone to come home to when I am not on the boat
I have someone to share the household bills and chores

Your list

No. Sorry can’t think of anything

Rufussmum Wed 19-Sep-18 09:55:28

Floss,,,sometimes my mind wanders down that path. After years of living in digs Mon-Fri I think DH would love happy retirement on the lines you suggest.
We have had two short holidays on hire boats - narrow and small river cruiser - so limited experience. I would be happy with a small, cheap dingy for sunny weekends. DH however is of the 'I deserve the best' persuasion.
He is a good person and I don't mean to grumble about him but I did lose my home and everything once because ex DH had big ambitions.

glammanana Wed 19-Sep-18 10:33:14

Rufussmum I would certainly keep your own house specially after going down the route you did with your ex-husband.
After 2 short holidays on hire boats I would not consider such a life changing purchase I have been on various holidays around the world but that does not mean I would sell up and move there.
Is this boat for permanent living or just for holidays.

Dolcelatte Wed 19-Sep-18 10:39:06

In the nicest possible way, isn’t he a bit old to be taking up this expensive and physically demanding hobby? I understand that it’s never too late to want to fulfill your dreams, but he shouldn’t be doing it at your expense.
Do you have any children and, if so, apart from your own concerns, won’t it impact on their inheritance?

humptydumpty Wed 19-Sep-18 10:59:32

I'm with Flossie - I really can't see anything for you in this change to your living arrangements (though of course you might change your mind later if circumstances such as health change).

travelsafar Wed 19-Sep-18 11:08:04

Dont do it!!!

Margs Wed 19-Sep-18 11:09:04

It all seems to mostly centre around what he wants - he seems, may I say it, a wee bit selfish?

Buying a boat at his age is the nautical equivalent of buying a red Ferrari - and did he ASK you your opinion of this plan or did he just TELL you?

Molly10 Wed 19-Sep-18 11:10:43

It sounds like a mooring for disaster...excuse the pun. Is this a case of I want my boat and you can eat it?

I would suggest hang fire with the selling and live together in one house for at least a month without separating to the other house to see how it goes.

suzied Wed 19-Sep-18 11:10:48

Do you actually enjoy the time you spend together? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Would you want to care for him or he for you? Would you enjoy messing around in a boat? Sounds like a no to all of the above. I can't see any reason why you wish to remain married to this man. A frank conversation needed.

dorcas1950 Wed 19-Sep-18 11:15:43

Please don't lose your house for this man. Take note of Flossie's comments above. You obviously aren't comfortable with his suggestion so you should pay attention to your instincts. Good luck and best wishes.

icanhandthemback Wed 19-Sep-18 11:17:35

Why not keep your houses, join a sailing club and find someone to crew for first to see if cruising is all it is cut out to be. Find out the costs of winter storage, lift in and out fees, mooring costs, etc. Also the amount of work during lift out is time consuming. Keeping all the stuff you need for the boat indoors needs space because if it is left on there it will be stolen. Getting a cruiser always seem like the dream but often ends up being a nightmare

SiobhanSharpe Wed 19-Sep-18 11:18:12

I'd only sell up if I was buying a larger property with him where you could both have your own space -- after living the way you have for many years I would think that was vital.
You really don't want to live full time in a small space with him after not being used to that, I'd think it would be very difficult. Unless he's off on his boat a good chunk of the time while you stay at home. (and are happy to do that)
As it stands I can't see that it's going to be much fun for you at all. Quite the opposite. You like your life as it is and there is no incentive at all for you in changing it along the lines he suggests.
Is he willing to compromise at all? If not, that says it all really.

Apricity Wed 19-Sep-18 11:23:19

Rufussmum I would suggest you keep your house in your name and he can spend whatever he likes from the sale of his house on the boat and leave enough to cover its upkeep. Boats consume very large amounts of money for maintenance, moorings etc and rarely maintain their purchase value. Spend whatever time suits you together on the boat but you will always have a land base to spend time together or time alone when he goes sailing. One of my guiding principles is when you are unsure what course of action to follow take the path that leaves you with the most options.

Pilgrim11 Wed 19-Sep-18 11:24:47

I read this to my husband, I knew he would enjoy it. He said, after laughing like a drain for a while, ‘he’s got it worked out hasn’t he’ and laughed a bit more and said ‘I want a boat, I can’t afford a boat, I don’t want to be without a house, I’ll get her to sell up, we’ll both own the new house, she can pay the bills and do the housework, I get a boat and my money will go on that, but I’ll always have a house and somewhere to live, nice and comfy, paid for, And I’ll Have A Boat!!!!!’