Retirement panic

They are married, they’ve made a commitment, why does she have to give up everything because he wants A Boat. It’s not about her, or her commitment it’s about his utter selfishness and rudeness. She doesn’t even like boats particularly.

I agree with the posters who say, rent out your house for a period to see how you get on. You always need a back up plan in these situations. His plan is all based on what HE wants.

If you can't commit to your marriage after twenty years, why bother now?

Ruffusmum, just say to the chancer, because that’s what he’s doing, he’s chancing his arm. Just say
“No, it’s not happening,” and as you do remember my husband’s analysis of the situation, and how he laughed at your husband’s craftiness and selfishness. Stay in your house and just say no.

Rufuss, I was in the same situation and asked to marry my partner. I refused as the older men at our age always thinks the woman is the maid and cook. I also kept my own house. That was 10 years ago, now he's mid 80s. He has a yacht, he is getting so he can't manage it, it's not being updated, no longer safe but he's still sailing it. I was actually told, when I protested, that it was my duty to look after him. I'm also 10 years older and not as sprightly, can't jump off a yacht to moor as I used to. My advice is stay free and in your own house.

Retirement is life changing, in many small ways. Firstly you need tome to adjust to that and experience tells us we need about a year for the adjustment. Many things will be different, some new some discarded. It is not a good thing to make firm decisions now because you will feel different in a year's time and the big decisions cannot be reversed.

So my essential advice is to give yourself time to adjust. Just a year is not all that long a time to give yourself for a lifetime in retirement.

As for finances then there is a need to put all your cards on the table, his and yours. Are the two houses going to be more than your budgets can manage? What can be done, even short term to counteract that. Then if it appears you do need to move it will be essential to plan for a property that will give you sufficient 'me' space. That may well mean using all the capital from both houses, in which case a solution may be clear. But do protect your own capital.

Next comes the matter of Wills; I hope you have already sorted those, but if not do so before anything else. When doing so do it independently. You must protect your future.

So
He's been happy living apart for twenty years .
He's retiring .
He thinks you should both sell up .
He thinks you should buy a joint home.
He's going to spend his money on a boat .
and you...
What do YOU want ?
or does that not come into the equation

AIBU or does anyone else feel that this is a somewhat odd marriage? I find it hard to understand why you agreed to marry if you had no intention of living together, but I do agree that you need to start talking to one another about how you see the rest of your lives. You've been together for 20 years and if his dream is to have a boat, I suggest that you might consider keeping your house as your main home and allowing him to sell his and buy his boat. But see if there is any compromise.

If in doubt, do nowt.

I read this to my husband, I knew he would enjoy it. He said, after laughing like a drain for a while, ‘he’s got it worked out hasn’t he’ and laughed a bit more and said ‘I want a boat, I can’t afford a boat, I don’t want to be without a house, I’ll get her to sell up, we’ll both own the new house, she can pay the bills and do the housework, I get a boat and my money will go on that, but I’ll always have a house and somewhere to live, nice and comfy, paid for, And I’ll Have A Boat!!!!!’

Rufussmum I would suggest you keep your house in your name and he can spend whatever he likes from the sale of his house on the boat and leave enough to cover its upkeep. Boats consume very large amounts of money for maintenance, moorings etc and rarely maintain their purchase value. Spend whatever time suits you together on the boat but you will always have a land base to spend time together or time alone when he goes sailing. One of my guiding principles is when you are unsure what course of action to follow take the path that leaves you with the most options.

I'd only sell up if I was buying a larger property with him where you could both have your own space -- after living the way you have for many years I would think that was vital.
You really don't want to live full time in a small space with him after not being used to that, I'd think it would be very difficult. Unless he's off on his boat a good chunk of the time while you stay at home. (and are happy to do that)
As it stands I can't see that it's going to be much fun for you at all. Quite the opposite. You like your life as it is and there is no incentive at all for you in changing it along the lines he suggests.
Is he willing to compromise at all? If not, that says it all really.

Why not keep your houses, join a sailing club and find someone to crew for first to see if cruising is all it is cut out to be. Find out the costs of winter storage, lift in and out fees, mooring costs, etc. Also the amount of work during lift out is time consuming. Keeping all the stuff you need for the boat indoors needs space because if it is left on there it will be stolen. Getting a cruiser always seem like the dream but often ends up being a nightmare

Please don't lose your house for this man. Take note of Flossie's comments above. You obviously aren't comfortable with his suggestion so you should pay attention to your instincts. Good luck and best wishes.

Do you actually enjoy the time you spend together? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Would you want to care for him or he for you? Would you enjoy messing around in a boat? Sounds like a no to all of the above. I can't see any reason why you wish to remain married to this man. A frank conversation needed.

It sounds like a mooring for disaster...excuse the pun. Is this a case of I want my boat and you can eat it?

I would suggest hang fire with the selling and live together in one house for at least a month without separating to the other house to see how it goes.

It all seems to mostly centre around what he wants - he seems, may I say it, a wee bit selfish?

Buying a boat at his age is the nautical equivalent of buying a red Ferrari - and did he ASK you your opinion of this plan or did he just TELL you?

Dont do it!!!

I'm with Flossie - I really can't see anything for you in this change to your living arrangements (though of course you might change your mind later if circumstances such as health change).

In the nicest possible way, isn’t he a bit old to be taking up this expensive and physically demanding hobby? I understand that it’s never too late to want to fulfill your dreams, but he shouldn’t be doing it at your expense.
Do you have any children and, if so, apart from your own concerns, won’t it impact on their inheritance?

Rufussmum I would certainly keep your own house specially after going down the route you did with your ex-husband.
After 2 short holidays on hire boats I would not consider such a life changing purchase I have been on various holidays around the world but that does not mean I would sell up and move there.
Is this boat for permanent living or just for holidays.

Floss,,,sometimes my mind wanders down that path. After years of living in digs Mon-Fri I think DH would love happy retirement on the lines you suggest.
We have had two short holidays on hire boats - narrow and small river cruiser - so limited experience. I would be happy with a small, cheap dingy for sunny weekends. DH however is of the 'I deserve the best' persuasion.
He is a good person and I don't mean to grumble about him but I did lose my home and everything once because ex DH had big ambitions.

I would write down all the advantages for you both of moving in together

His list

I get to spend my time and money on a boat
I get someone to come home to when I am not on the boat
I have someone to share the household bills and chores

Your list

No. Sorry can’t think of anything

I would do as scribbles suggests as well. It's a big life change for both of you and you need to let head rule heart I think.
Unless you are keen on the idea of owning a boat there doesn't seem to be a lot for you with the arrangement your husband has proposed. There are times when we have to say 'no' even if it means upsetting people - this is one of those times. Good luck.

I think I'd do what Scribbles has suggested.

You haven't said whether or not you wish to go on the boat. I think quite a lot depends on how interested you are in sharing this possibly quite expensive hobby.

Also, I think much depends on how well he treats you generally.

I wish you well.