Retirement panic

PECS, the OP's DH was trying to tell her what to do with her own finances i.e. sell her home and subsidise his choice to spend a huge amount of money on a boat.
He is entitled to say that, of course, but Rufussmum is entitled to say No.

Always best to keep options as open as possible until everyone concerned is feeling content and secure!
Act in haste repent at liesure etc!
Best wishes for a happy time in the future!

If he believes it will be too expensive running two homes on a pension why is he spending a huge amount of money on a boat which he may not be able to use in retirement for long.
None of us know how our health will be in later years, I love sailing but cannot now pull a boat up a jetty because of heart problems.
If he still loves his sailing suggest he hires a boat for the times he want to sail.
My husband and I have done many Nielson holidays which include sailing. You can have a lovely holiday in Europe and don't need to do anything if you don't want.
Our interests when we were younger included windsurfing and sailing but we only do this now on holiday.
I personally wouldn't sell my home, if you love your way of life at the moment don't change it.
Say he can come and stay with you for longer or you go to his.
He clearly just want to by a boat.

I think that's what I have agreed to PECS. He is free to choose the way he wants to live/spend his money, as I am.

In the same way one could say " He's your husband and YOU should care about his needs, wants and feelings so he should be able to say the way he want to live and how to manage his own finances to safe guard himself and his future."

What is sauce for the goose etc.. But really if you are a couple and want to remain so both have to be prepared to be realistic and to compromise!

I have no problem with your lifestyle of living in your own homes, I've done it, it works and more people should consider it. I have my own house and no one would ever be able to persuade me to sell it and lose my independence, no thank you.

So he says at one point in effect that you should want what he wants [a pipe dream basically], and do it or he will divorce you. That is awful, manipulative and selfish whether he has now retracted it or not. It's emotional blackmail...low.

Apart from the costs and disadvantages mentioned by previous posters is it wise and practical to be 73 and living the rest of his life on a boat? If at times [bitter weather/flu/illness etc] he is not on the boat but at yours then he will be using you and will have frittered his equity away. And you pick up the pieces? Does this seem fair to you?

If you don't want to do his plan....say NO. He's your husband and should care about your needs, wants and feelings so you should be able to say the way you want to live and how to manage your own finances to safe guard yourself and your future. Stay living where you are, do not sell up. I would not buy a house jointly with him, it could get messy at some point and you could be reliant on him financially and a victim of his whims in the future. Your finances have been separate for 20 years, I suggest you keep it that way. You will feel very uncomfortable in the years to come if you don't.

Take more holidays on boats, as many as he or you both want, enjoy them without the responsibilities and costs. Time to be realistic.

Why doesn’t he just rent a boat. You should be able to hire one for quite a few weeks a year for £5,000/year. Then no worries about the upkeep and he’ll really find out if it’s for him or not.

Out of bed on the wrong side today, eazybee?

Sorry if this appears harsh, but seriously, this appears to be no more than a marriage of convenience. You don't appear to want to share a house, companionship, hobbies, interests, time together or finances with your husband.
Your husband sounds lonely, looking for an interest to replace work, and although the boat idea was a bit daft, you don't seem to have any desire to spend more time together now he is retired.
Wouldn't you be happier single?

gmelon advice to get professional legal advice is not jumping the gun. It is always good to know what you can/ can't do ..even if you never need to use the info.

Well done, Rufussmum Sounds like there could be a good outcome after all.

Thanks for your comments everyone. The divorce 'threat' has been withdrawn. DH now understands that in the event of his buying an expensive boat, in the face of my doubts, he will have to find himself somewhere else to live - even if it means renting,

Well he has really shown his true colours hasn't he?

What a good job you have your own house. Many on here have quite rightly, advised you not to sell it.

Like I said before - this is a very selfish man.

Ruffussmum - blimey, what an unreasonable response you got from your husband.

I'd be hopping mad, given you've had so much angst about the future together. I most likely would tell him where to go - on a one way boat trip to the other side of the world!

You have sensibly decided to discuss your situation. If he is unhappy - and you are too by the sounds of it - it may be time to call it a day. Do discuss your options before you go down the divorce route. It's expensive and calls for big adjustments for you. Just make sure it's what you both want.

It sounds as though staying put and accepting the status quo might be the best option for both of you. You would stay in your own houses, wouldn't have to see each other and there would be no upheaval. I'd be pulling up the drawbridge too, I am afraid. You may be more tolerant and forgiving but I'd probably be digging a moat too and telling him what to do with his boat!

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Ruffussmum .
How are things going for you now?
The divorce threat was, I hope, an empty threat.
All the advice to get lawyers is IMO
jumping the gun.
Men are daft sometimes.
I think you are spot on in letting him come to his senses and then talking.

As long as they have two houses of similar value that's not so bad, FlexibleFriend.
Not so good if one partner has already spent all their equity.

Just remember the house that is in your sole name will be seen as joint property should you divorce. All the assets get lumped in together and split 50/50. Your married and it's the law, doesn't matter what it says on your house deeds.

DH continues to work p/t and shows no sign of giving up..he is 70. I too do bits of work (67). On the days we are both round the house with nothing specific to do we manage not to irritate each other too much Winter is worse when I am not gardening. We go out quite a bit & share an interest in cryptic crosswords and quizzing so can usually find common interests when we are home. If however u do not have a gang of friends or shared interests then you do need to think what a shared f/t life will be like.

Monica..DH is nearly 73 and has been looking for part-time contracts but these are rare in his field. Most work is through specialist agencies. He only finished his last job in May.
Could be a solution if he could find work nearer home but no luck so far.

Is there no way he can continue work in some way part time or on a freelance basis? Not necessarily with the same company. DH is only just finally completely stopping work at 75, he has worked on a self employed basis since retirement, taking on major contracts when he first 'retired', but gradually taking on fewer and shorter contracts as he felt less able to keep up with the travelling the work entailed.

Yes, DH is finding it hard to adjust to his news life - sans job/role in the wide world. I have decided to keep calm and let him come to his senses. Then we will have a new conversation about the future.

Don’t do it.?

It sounds like your husband is having a bit of a crisis in confidence about the relationship. Instead of looking at it that he is selfish, turn it around and wonder if the current living arrangement is not suiting him so he feels like life is boring and pointless especially as retirement is looming. Does he feel that when you're not around so wants to fill that time with the boat? Relationships are always more complicated than one person being wrong, the other being right so maybe this would be the time to explore what you both want out of life and if there is any way of getting it together or whether this would be the moment to move on so you both have the opportunity to find what you want.

Could be the solution you need.
It sounds as if he has been having similar doubts to yours about the way the relationship was headed.
Counselling?

Your DH could maybe do with some counselling to explore his feelings and what he wants to do.
He may be a bit panicked at the idea of retiring and has not realised how unfair his suggestion would be for you.
(Trying to be generous to him, here.)