Feeling very unsure

I had a break up with my supposed best friend of 30 years recently. Long long story but it has been one of the most devastating experiences of my life. I have slowly come to terms with it and am seeing how many aspects of the friendship were in fact toxic, and how her critical and judgmental behavior made me feel like I was walking on eggshells all the time, trying hard to please her (but failing). I still miss her some times but have to accept that in many ways I am better off without her.
It honestly feels like a divorce - we were very close, daily friends in fact :-(

You can't go back, relationship will be nothing like how you remember the best parts. If friend was genuine why has she not made contact herself. Forget about it, you've managed since the fallout.

From your post I would say ignore the ex-friend if you do not want to risk renewing a friendship with someone who has previously behaved so badly towards you that it caused a blazing row - she may well miss you but that does not mean her underhand way of operating has changed at all. Also, I would seriously consider your husband's objections and not risk inflicting any unhappiness on him and take his feelings towards this person/couple into account. Be kind to yourself and crack on with life, and a happy husband - don't feel bad.

If you don't want to see her again then don't, feel no guilt either, get on with your life and stop fretting for goodness sake!!!

Cocol, it sounds as if it was a rather unpleasant "break up". You haven't missed her, and your DH does not like her at all.

I would stay well away. You would probably regret it if you rekindled the friendship. Ignore any comments from "friends" and try and put her out of your mind again. You must do what's best for you and your husband.

I have a couple of old work colleagues who I have just drifted away from. When we met up, only a couple of times a year, the talk was all about them and their woes. I was never asked about me and my life. I'd go home depressed so eventually decided to let the friendship drop. It seems selfish in a way, but you should get something from a friendship, it shouldn't be all one sided.

Reading between the lines this "friend" is still being manipulative by trying to get these other women to do her dirty work and they have played right into her hands by doing just that.
Leave this friendship where it currently is ... Dead and buried!!
Who needs friends like that.?

Coco1, a good maxim I learnt many years ago is "There friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life". Your choice, but it sounds to me like that lady in question was a friend for a season...
You are probably well out, especially if your DH doesn't like either of the couple.

Sorry - above message was more of a reply to Elenkalubleton so the phrase "like you" probably didn't initially make a lot of sense. It's relevant to everyone else too.

I think that, at first, some friends are on their best behaviour.

Like you, I don't like being kept waiting unless there is a real reason.

I like all of my friends but I don't see them every day or even every week so I don't get a chance to get fed up with them. If I saw them all the time, it might be different.

Also, I don't tell people all my business and I think that helps maintain a friendship.

I met one friend when I was 15 and we had many laughs over the years. The relationship was always about her tho so survived only in small doses with odd weekends here and there. I went thro countless relationships, and traumas with her and it was truly draining. She moved near me when she retired. I was still working full time in a stressful and demanding job. I also had elderly parents plus 3 AC with GC’s to help. Because my free time was limited, she started sniping that I never went to see her. I said she could come to me anytime, but she didn’t want to leave her dog ! I said bring the dog and we’ll walk together, no she didn’t want that either. In the end I just walked away and haven’t seen her now for 10 years. She did text me 3 years ago but I just ignored her, I can’t go thro a one sided relationship anymore, it’s sad but she just drained me.

Does anyone get cynical about friends,Ive found the more I get to know certain friends the less I want to be in there company.Ive got one friend who’s very thoughtful, and I could only see good in her,but as time goes on I find her very bossy,and she is ALWAYS late, Ive never left anyone waiting,winds me up ?.Is it me,or am I getting grumpier with age.

You can't win with manipulative people. You start trying to work out their motives. She might be telling other people because she wants their sympathy. Maybe she thinks that they will offer her friendship. Or she may want to be friends again. I have had someone behave like that and it became clear afterwards that it was just that she wanted to be the one to end the friendship - and make sure that everyone knew it.
It sounds as if you have fewer reasons to stay friends than to keep things as they are.

If a friendship has run its course then let it go. If you re-kindle the friendship the same thing is likely to happen again. We meet lots of people at different times in our lives and for different reasons. Don't be afraid to move on instead of being held back.

OMG! Coco1. That was exactly a replay of how it was for me. Your last response sent a shiver down my spine.

Sounds like you are well out of it Cocol

Thanks for your advice ladies.I don’t miss her company at all really.Yes she could be very amusing at times apart from being a martyr at times but there are too many political aspects which
I found unpleasant.ie you’ve seen X and I wasn’t invited etc.Always tried to be fair but ...

I'd wait and see if she makes contact with you or if other people keep on saying she wants to see you.

I suppose you could meet her somewhere neutral for a coffee and a catch-up and take it from there.

Do you miss aspects of your friendship with her?

Agree with the above posters, Cocol. Also, please remember, the fact that this woman misses you does not mean she isn't just as underhanded as ever. You need to do what's best for you and DH most of all/

If she valued your friendship she'd contact you directly.
Some would say she's testing the water here. Well, that's open to personal interpretation.
I had this a few years ago, and listening to the 'grapevine' confused the real issue. She was a manipulative underhanded person. I gave her the benefit of the doubt initially. After only 2 meetings I knew I should've listened to my gut instinct.
Only you know the 'lie of the land'. Act on your gut instinct Coco1 . You're obviously questioning the situation, because you've come Gn for clarity.

Cocol if you don't really want to see her then don't! If she does want to see you then the onus is on her to contact you. If she does, you can decide what you want to do then ...and also, if your husband doesn't want to see them, then his feelings need to be taken into account as well and your first loyalty is to him, which I get the impression from your post that you already know. Try hard not to feel guilty, why should you, it is YOUR life and YOUR choice.