Don’t know hether I’m coming or going

Another vote for counseling. This relationship, I'm sad to say, has hurt you in more ways than one. It will take time - and help - to heal. More hugs!

I agree with kathsue you need to talk this through and a counsellor is a good listening ear to help you get things in the right proportion and get your confidence back.

Hi Felicity, I think you're right when you say you need some outside help. Moving house is only a part of your problem. If you make an appointment with your GP he/she will be able to refer you for counselling, though it might take a while. If you can afford it you can have private counselling (just google counsellors in your area).

I think you need to talk things through and not make any hasty decisions. I'm glad you have dogs they can be such a comfort and love you unconditionally.

Thank you all so much. I think I probably do need some outside help but where to start? Alanon was my first port of call a few years ago and whilst it helped me to understand I was by no means alone it didn’t dispel the demons planted by my ex. I can’t quite believe I’m not a f..ing stupid bitch or nobody likes me etc etc. I found myself with my daughter in John Lewis yesterday. A big treat for me living in the middle of nowhere. Even however with the promise of a drop in to the Prosecco Bar all I wanted to do was go home and hide.
I can hear myself bleating here and I’m ashamed I’m not coping. I’ve listened to all of your advice and whilst I cant make simple decisions I think I’ll heed your advice and take my house off the market for now.Its nearly six o clock and my sofa is safer than John Lewis so maybe a small glass of something cold and fizzy with my dogs is on the cards??

Unless financial reasons compel you to sell, can you defer for the time being? If you need to get away, could you take an unscheduled vacation right now? Do you have someone to talk to? You are dealing with a lot right now.....Selling a house plus the move can be a tremendous undertaking and will only add more stress to what is already a very stressful situation.

Give yourself a few months to get yourself sorted emotionally. Things will become much clearer by then and you will be able to make much better decisions.

In the meantime you may want to seek some supportive counseling. As someone else here mentioned too, consider Al-anon as well. They offer help to people whose lives have been shattered by the alcoholics in their lives.

I hope things get better for you soon. Hugs, Willa

This is horrible situation for you and I truely feel for you Don’t rush to move, you cannot move away from memories they stay firmly in your head wherever you run to , why not replace the bad memories with better ones Get a decorator in, move some furniture round change things this is YOUR house don’t let him chase you out of it It will give you something to concentrate on something to get a bit excited by If friends and family are in on his abuse get them round to help you (with a bottle of something)have good memories replace the old ones I think moving gives the underlying feeling that it’s HIS house and you are running away
However much you love him you have to open your eyes to see him as he is and he’s obviously had years to get help and hasn’t if he loved you more than himself he would have
Please don’t shy away from letting your family and friends into your life to help you don’t dismiss some professional help too Counselling can really help you see things from another angle
A big hug and lots of good luck for you to come out the other side of this nightmare xx

Felicity, if you are safe in your current location sometimes it is a good idea not to make a major move when you are feeling so uncertain about what you want for the next stage of your life. Friends and family will also be important supports as you create a new life for yourself so moving away may not be a good idea. You are about to open a new chapter of your life. Good luck. ?☘️

Hi Felicity, I'd just carry on with this thread, as everyone will know your background, which helps. Is there something else in particular you want to get support with, or that is worrying you?

It's probably best if you stay in your house for now, just to give yourself a breathing space after all that has happened. Moving is a big step when you are unsure where and what you want to do next.

Why not try and do some new social things, just to have a change, and hopefully lift your spirits? I recently joined a community choir, even though I can't sing. It has such a feel good factor, we all come out really happy. And it takes your mind off your worries for a little while. Just an idea.

I quite like the same thread to be updated, so we can see how people are doing.

You can continue to comment here or you can start a new thread. Or both.

Yes just talk away on here. No need to start a new thread

Please forgive me for not being too switched onto this kind of interaction. So many of you lovely ladies told me ai could get a tremendous amount of support on here but how do I do this . On the same thread even though my first input was a few days ago or do I start a new topic. I’m not sure I can bare my soul all over again but I know I would find it very beneficial to carry on where I left off

I have no experience with alcoholism, but you are in the midst of a life changing crisis Felicity and experience witb a number of those has taught me one thing....
take everything one step at a time.
Sometimes, one day at a time.

Sometimes just getting through the next hour is an achievement.
Be patient with yourself.
And remember that however awful and challenging this feels today, you WILL feel differently in six months time.

For the moment could you reorganise your living space a little. Redecorate a spare bedroom and move into it, swap around the sitting room and dining area? A change of paint or wall paper and curtains? Maybe spend the Autumn and winter considering just where to move to - stay in the area but focus on which road you would like to move to. If your house is big I expect your garden is too, so beware moving somewhere with too small a garden as gardening is such a pleasure and so therapeutic. Perhaps take a long trip somewhere interesting in gray November. An exercise class (Pilates or yoga) in the early evening so that you sleep better. Allow your family and friends to support you with companionship too but GN is always here. Many people will give you great advice. ?

my thoughts would baby and bathwater! It might be nice to move but perhaps not just yet.
We are coming up to winter which may be a time to regroup and recover.

Hugs!

You have come to the right place Felicity. I cannot give you much advice because I am not the right person for the job. But there are some great ladies here, who are always there to give you non-judgemental advice. This is where I come to unload.......friends are great, but unfortunately most of mine are quite self-absorbed, not because they are selfish, but because they have their own problems. The great thing about this site is that you can write everything down, which is therapy in itself and even if you get no replies, you feel someone is listening/reading . All the best

I too have so much to thank members of this forum for ,

You’re right - GN is a wonderful place to get advise and unload stuff you don’t want to put onto the shoulders friends and family who’re close to you. I’ve had great support in the past.

Whatever you decide to do now, the only way is up.

Thank you Nanabilly very sanguine advice. I do love my house but it’s huge and holds some very unhappy memories.
Sadly many of my friends and family witnessed a lot of the abuse,some of it even aimed at them. Everyone is very relieved he has gone and they support me all the way. I’m keen to put on a brave face now so they don’t have to worry.
I think this forum may be a bit of a life saver as I feel I might be able to discuss my anxieties without worrying about ‘dumping’ on people.I think I might also realise that there are an awful lot of people out there with much bigger problems than mine ?

My divorce came through one year after we split up and 6 months later I moved.
I have always been happy here in my own home.
No regrets, no backward glances but there is no rush either to achieve your move.
I wish you well. Be positive. Be kind to yourself.

If you love your home and feel safe in it, stay. Why do you think you’re being a burden to friends and family? If you’ve always been there for them and helped them, they probably feel happy to return the favour.

If you don't have to sell your house then I would stay where you are and give yourself a timescale to review things . You say " your lovely house " or "beautiful house" so you obviously love it, so , if you feel safe in the fact that he will not cause you any bother then make that decision at a later date and for now focus on you and your health and build a new life for yourself in the area that you know .
As for you not wanting to bother your family and friends I'm sure they must have gathered things are not all well and good at your house and must be worried about you So tell them and I'm certain their will be some signs of relief from them . Did they ever see him when he was behaving badly? Or did you manage to hide it all from them which must have been tricky if you did.
Get yourself some support from the ones you love . You deserve it .

You are in a comparable position to someone recently widowed, to the extent that you are suddenly alone and trying to find a new way of living on your own.

The advice often given to widows, is to make no life changing decisions, like moving house, for a year after the loss, in case in your grief and confusion, you make a decision you later regret. As you have no idea where you want to go or what you want to do, I would take your house off the market and stay put while you work out what your new life is going to be like.

Take time to get to know yourself, your needs and your wants, explore options.If you can afford it go on some courses, try exploring your interests, U3A, even your local WI. By this time next year your mind will be clearer, you will have a better idea where you want to go and what you want to do. Then sit down and plan your new life and possibly move house, but doing so, knowing where you want to go and what type of property will suit your new live. Festina Lente (make haste slowly) should be your motto.

Meanwhile every sympathy in your current plight

You must not weaken if he tries to make contact, this is so important .