Don’t know hether I’m coming or going

I think "poor me" is entirely appropriate! - so do not apologise.

What a sad thing to happen to the man you loved. I do hope there are some folk in real life who can walk beside you through the upheaval.

There is an organisation called Al Anon which helps people who loves someone whose life has been affected by alcohol. There are also many other organisations who might be able to help. Look online. Sorry to hear about your plight.

Just take one step at a time is the best way forward. Make a list and then prioritise them and deal with one thing at a time. The most important thing is that you must put yourself first for now , be selfish.
If I were you I would not tell him where you are going to either or he will be knocking on your door in a drunken rage in the middle of the night.
Hope you can get some support from friends and family but if not you will definitely get some from here.

Are there things which being in this relationship has stopped you doing? (Silly question, I'm sure!)
Try to concentrate on those things; maybe having friends round?
Not having to walk on eggshells?
Being able to relax in your own home?
Are you living in an area you want to be in, or is there somewhere else you fancy?
There really is nothing to gain by staying shackled to this man, even emotionally.
Its hard when you love someone, I know, but look at him for who he is now, not the charmer you fell for.

I'm so sorry that this has happened. You will be feeling grief at the loss of what once was, and what you had hoped for your future together.

After 22 years I divorced my ex husband, the house was sold and I bought a smaller house nearby for myself and my son. The relief was immense.
However, after a couple of weeks I found myself sitting with my GP in floods of tears. I had no great worries.
GP told me I had been at first busy, organising etc etc. Then when the move was done and I sat down, the adrenalin backed off -- and grief for a marriage and unhappy years, and for the loss of what should have been. Time healed me.

There is always a future. Perhaps some suitable counselling to help you understand that there is a future and that it can be wonderful. Whatever and wherever it may be.

Don't close yourself in the future to new friendships, some may just be acquaintances but there also may be someone you find you could be friends with.
I do hope you have a couple of friends at present to help you in real life, through the next few weeks.

We are always here.

I echo coolgran. Your grief now, and it is grief, will fade. You will feel better, and you do have a happy life ahead of you. Take care of yourself. Eat well, walk in the park, have little treats, buy some new clothes, see friends and family.
But, do you have to put your house on the market just yet? It may be something you want to do in the future, but if you are happy and safe living there, can you give yourself some time to take stock?

Move house as soon as possible, it’s unlikely to get any better and you deserve your life.?

Losing your partner and your home is a lot to cope with at the same time. Do you have to move? it is going to take a while to sell and during that time he may get the message that he cannot come back which I assume is why you are moving. Could this be the time that he stops drinking when he realises he has lost you forever?

My only advice would be to fill your time with things that can occupy your mind to stop you thinking.

A very sad situation, Felicity. And something that rings bells with me.
I know that alcoholics must take responsibility themselves, but the 'demon alcohol' so quickly takes a grip. and changes a decent person into ......... what a waste of a life.
All I can say is think of yourself now. Do you have any children or close family?

Thank you all for your amazing messages I’m totally overwhelmed .
Just to reply to some of your comments. The court has put a none molestation order on my ex so he will go to jail if he comes near me. I can’t believe things got this bad.
I don’t have to move but I just need to start a new life but can’t decide how to do it.
I’m blessed with a lovely family and friends but I just don’t feel I can burden them with my problems any more. I’ve always been the one to sort everyone else’s problems. Inspired thinking on my behalf posting on here however. I feel so much better . Thank you again x

I would imagine your friends and family would be only too happy to help you do whatever it takes to get away from this man.

I agree with DoraMarr if you are safe in the house you currently have then don't rush into anything drastic.
You have had a traumatic time, give yourself space to recover a little then discuss your options with friends and family.
It's sad when someone you love goes down this route but he is the only one who can change this. Good luck for the future.

You must not weaken if he tries to make contact, this is so important .

You are in a comparable position to someone recently widowed, to the extent that you are suddenly alone and trying to find a new way of living on your own.

The advice often given to widows, is to make no life changing decisions, like moving house, for a year after the loss, in case in your grief and confusion, you make a decision you later regret. As you have no idea where you want to go or what you want to do, I would take your house off the market and stay put while you work out what your new life is going to be like.

Take time to get to know yourself, your needs and your wants, explore options.If you can afford it go on some courses, try exploring your interests, U3A, even your local WI. By this time next year your mind will be clearer, you will have a better idea where you want to go and what you want to do. Then sit down and plan your new life and possibly move house, but doing so, knowing where you want to go and what type of property will suit your new live. Festina Lente (make haste slowly) should be your motto.

Meanwhile every sympathy in your current plight

If you don't have to sell your house then I would stay where you are and give yourself a timescale to review things . You say " your lovely house " or "beautiful house" so you obviously love it, so , if you feel safe in the fact that he will not cause you any bother then make that decision at a later date and for now focus on you and your health and build a new life for yourself in the area that you know .
As for you not wanting to bother your family and friends I'm sure they must have gathered things are not all well and good at your house and must be worried about you So tell them and I'm certain their will be some signs of relief from them . Did they ever see him when he was behaving badly? Or did you manage to hide it all from them which must have been tricky if you did.
Get yourself some support from the ones you love . You deserve it .

If you love your home and feel safe in it, stay. Why do you think you’re being a burden to friends and family? If you’ve always been there for them and helped them, they probably feel happy to return the favour.

My divorce came through one year after we split up and 6 months later I moved.
I have always been happy here in my own home.
No regrets, no backward glances but there is no rush either to achieve your move.
I wish you well. Be positive. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you Nanabilly very sanguine advice. I do love my house but it’s huge and holds some very unhappy memories.
Sadly many of my friends and family witnessed a lot of the abuse,some of it even aimed at them. Everyone is very relieved he has gone and they support me all the way. I’m keen to put on a brave face now so they don’t have to worry.
I think this forum may be a bit of a life saver as I feel I might be able to discuss my anxieties without worrying about ‘dumping’ on people.I think I might also realise that there are an awful lot of people out there with much bigger problems than mine ?

You’re right - GN is a wonderful place to get advise and unload stuff you don’t want to put onto the shoulders friends and family who’re close to you. I’ve had great support in the past.

Whatever you decide to do now, the only way is up.

I too have so much to thank members of this forum for ,

You have come to the right place Felicity. I cannot give you much advice because I am not the right person for the job. But there are some great ladies here, who are always there to give you non-judgemental advice. This is where I come to unload.......friends are great, but unfortunately most of mine are quite self-absorbed, not because they are selfish, but because they have their own problems. The great thing about this site is that you can write everything down, which is therapy in itself and even if you get no replies, you feel someone is listening/reading . All the best

Hugs!

my thoughts would baby and bathwater! It might be nice to move but perhaps not just yet.
We are coming up to winter which may be a time to regroup and recover.

For the moment could you reorganise your living space a little. Redecorate a spare bedroom and move into it, swap around the sitting room and dining area? A change of paint or wall paper and curtains? Maybe spend the Autumn and winter considering just where to move to - stay in the area but focus on which road you would like to move to. If your house is big I expect your garden is too, so beware moving somewhere with too small a garden as gardening is such a pleasure and so therapeutic. Perhaps take a long trip somewhere interesting in gray November. An exercise class (Pilates or yoga) in the early evening so that you sleep better. Allow your family and friends to support you with companionship too but GN is always here. Many people will give you great advice. ?