Not another one!

Goodness me, how judgmental you are on other women!! You do not know what goes on behind closed doors, nobody with children gets divorced as a lifestyle choice. You have obviously led a very sheltered life, and I would be interested to know if you have any daughters? I suspect not. I have to tell you that I have an only daughter who is just about to make us grandparents. My son-in-law is so lovely and she is an excellent wife, and, oh yes - we, her parents, gifted them the deposit for their house, which demonstrates our faith in both of them!! I think your opening post is really horrible.

I couldn't even tell you what goes on in the marriage of my next-door neighbour that I have been friends with for twenty years

I can. Only because the police got involved in the end. Turns out things were quite horrific.

The prior 15 years to that I had no idea and thought he was one of the nicest men I knew. We were all good friends and I trusted them so much that my kids had regular sleep overs round there with their kids. Honestly thought they were a lovely couple who adored each other.

Sorry OP, but I can't help thinking that the fruit did not fall very far from the tree. I couldn't even tell you what goes on in the marriage of my next-door neighbour that I have been friends with for twenty years.

And for the "happy" gf whose partner has made it plain he would do his utmost not to pay child maintenance... words fail me.

Your attitude is awful! How do you know what went on behind closed doors. Even if one or all three of them have split up mutually it is none of your business.

You can't stop it with your Grandchildren or own children. You can't control their lives. Be there for them but not control. If you try and dictate what they should and shouldn't do they will turn on you, stop seeing you etc.

It sounds as if you have had a nice life, no divorce etc. etc. I am happy for you. However not everyone's marriage is like that.

I personally think you need to look at yourself in this and look at stopping judging others. I know it is hard as we all do it to some extent however your attitude is not going to serve you well in life or in the future and could course you far more pain than you can imagine or think of.

The ex with me was violent and abusive. People were shocked when they found out. I know of another friend who kept her husband's affairs to herself for years and there are many more reasons.

''do not judge, else you yourself will be judged'' is one of many sayings. Learn from this to look at things more open mindedly

Well if all they are expected to bring to the table is that they go out to do man work outside the home then their prospects may well be limited...

Maybe there is hope for them if their mothers are expecting slightly more from a husband and father than just some elusive man shape that brings in a wage so long as he is still sharing the marital bed, and resents being held responsible for his offspring once he is not! Good luck to them in their new relationships!

I do have 4 grandsons young at present and I do fear for their prospects in marriage, let's hope they don't get caught

Blimey are we in a Jane Austen novel? Things have changed.

It's not uncommon for dead beat dads to phrase maintenance as "ex getting money"

When what it IS is contributing money to your child's resident parent who is making most of the sacrifices involved in raising children so that the children can have a stable family home and you can play "good cop" every other weekend like the martyr you are....posting on social media that your kids are your life but you will never be the one who tries to negotiate child friendly hours at work, & buying them OTT Christmas gifts and thinking that that makes it okay for the other parent to have to scrimp for school shoes ...

...usually..
..
that's usually what you can read when a dad complains that child maintenance is their ex "getting" money.

At least if a boyfriend moves in with the ex wife the nephew shouldn’t have to pay maintenance for her.

He will still have to pay maintenance for the children!

When the OP is saying that the WIVES are "getting" x,y & z, whats probably happening is the wives are getting some money towards raising the children.

And maintenance (through CSA) is a much lower percentage of the non res parents income than the % of income a res parent will usually spend on raising a child!

At one time the parent living with the children got the house until the youngest chils is 18 and then it is split 50/50, but things change all the time.

At least if a boyfriend moves in with the ex wife the nephew shouldn’t have to pay maintenance for her.

Now it remains to be seen if they will use their access to the chikdren and remain an active father, or just immerse themselves in work anf gradually fade out of their lives.

The law is always on the side of the child. Both my boys seem to have happy marriages....and both are high earners. In the beginning I did think that the girls just wanted them for their money....perhaps I was jealous, because my daughter married a poorly paid tradesman, who was practically 'kept' by my daughter. They are now divorced.
Anyway, regardless of my opinions, they seem to be happy. I have my reservations about one daughterinlaw, and I think my son is a doormat, but that's his problem. I worry about his future. He cannot see the wood for the trees.

Another hint: gold diggers tend to NOT have kids because raising kids is expensive and tends to inhibit lavish lifestyles.

Expecting your child's other parent to pay towards giving kids stability and a nice life is not gold digging, it is decent parenting! It is the nephews who are the money grabbers if they dont agree.

(...wonders if the OP is in fact one of the "nephews"??..)

Sorry but not all abuse is physical so what signs do you expect to see?
My ex husband was physically abusive but also an expert in mind games. I was so cowed by him I lied about the reason behind my injuries and even avoided my family so they couldnt see the marks etc. To everyone outside the home he was charming, a hard worker who loved his family, inside behind closed doors ho was a monster, controlling and abusive.
When the physical abuse grew worse others became aware and finally I found the courage to split from him. It seems strange that 3 members of the same family have split up and also as you say the other one is a controlling B******d yet you blame the women even the one who has stayed! Dont you think that speaks volumes? Perhaps you should stop giving your obviously biased opinion and keep your views to yourself. Just maybe your precious nephews are nasty pieces of work and they should be more concerned about their childrens welfare then being angry that they have had to provide their offspring with a home.

If they had been decent fathers in the first place they wouldn't be resenting their children a family home!

So all they bring to the table is that they go to work and spend a lot of time there...well thats not enough to make a relationship work and is not enough to make them good husband material .

P.s. the house and maintenance goes to the resident parent AND KIDS.
THEIR kids.
Your grand nephews and nieces.
Would you rather them raised in a bedsit while your workaholic nephews rattle about in the family homes?

Here's a BIG hint re what has gone on: things get split more evenly if people share the parenting. If one is getting all the maintenance and the house etc that'll be because the other one isn't doing much child rearing! What a catch!

Phew! Interesting that in each of the cases, the nephew is seen as the victim and the wives as somehow exploiting their situation, "keeping the house". Would you prefer the man stayed in the house and the women and children were in homeless accommodation? No I don't expect you would in truth.
Back off, mind your own business and recognise that as so many others have said, you've no idea what's been going on behind closed doors. Why would any woman chose to be a single parent if her marriage is ok?

Tigger, she would marry him tomorrow but he is in control and she could leave at any time- with nothing, he would even make her fight for the child maintenence.
In reality she accepts it because he treats her well, he is doing it deliberately, seeing what happened to other men.
The contrast is stark anyone with money can be a target.

I have known these nephews since they were children they are very good prospects as husbands, hard working and provided a good lifestyle for their families, if they have any faults it's because they work too hard and are too generous.
You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but if there was any abuse there would have been signs, but the only signs are £signs. One left with over £150K value the other 2 around £100k each and they are all going to get child maintenence.
There are plenty of examples of gold diggers who marry and have a couple of children then leave, one lives next door to me, she has 4 children, by 3 husbands and 1 boyfriend who got away. Always choosing men with money and stripping as much a possible from them.

You see divorce at a distance and shrug your shoulders, when it happen close to home it hurts, at least is doesn't affect my own children so I'm not going to loose any sleep over it. I do have 4 grandsons young at present and I do fear for their prospects in marriage, let's hope they don't get caught.

If 3 men from the same extended family all have the same problem, I would be asking if they were all raised with the same bad attitudes.

Maybe the "hardworking" part only applies to their jobs and they never lift a finger at home? Maybe they are controlling or abusive? Maybe they are just unloving and indifferent.

I certainly would not assume all three are innocent and put upon, though of course it is possible that they do all just have terrible taste in women.

Well Diane54, you have rested your own case! Opposite extremes, how do you know this girl is unhappy, they may have their own reasons for not marrying and not buying a property. Which would you prefer?

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors inside of marriage, except for the couple's themselves. What they present to the outside world may be entirely different to what is happening behind the scenes. JanaNana I think you are absolutely right with this comment. It says it all....

No one knows what goes on in a marriage my advice dont judge

The Divorce laws go for a clean break with a 50/50 split of assets regardless of blame. Maybe your nephews did a deal that kept them their pension which their wives had been too busy to earn as they were raising the children?
Everybody has their own tale to tell; maybe you should listen to the wives' too to get a balanced perspective. Mind you, they'd probably tell you it was none of your business...!

Remember the saying " nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors"

Also I can't really see why it is your concern.

It does seem unfortunate that this has happened to three of your nephews. No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors inside of marriage, except for the couple's themselves. What they present to the outside world may be entirely different to what is happening behind the scenes.
I can see how this makes you feel cynical because so many marriages seem to break up nowadays after not much time together. However, everything might not be as it seems to you in their marriages, and it is often easier to blame one or the other when in fact both of them may be at fault jointly in different ways, contributing to the break ups. I don't think you can do anything other than give them all space to sort this out, and be there for them if they ask you.

The only way for a man to protect himself against this happening is to not get married and to make sure he buys a house in joint names. The gf is also protected in this way.

I know a man who bought his house in his sole name and when the gf came along , lived with him and had DC, he refused to marry or put the house in joint names. The gf and DC are now in a very tricky, vulnerable position, unfortunately.

No-one would got through marriage and giving birth and raising children just to get a house! Your nephews have been unlucky but since 1 in 2 first marriages end in divorce now, not as unlucky as you might think.