PLEASE help me get on with my MIL!

OP is your DH a loving husband?
A caring father?
Does he nurture his little family?
Does he have family values?
Is he respected by friends and colleagues?

If the answer is yes, then
I guess your mother in law (and father in law) did a good job

I get the impression that MIL will never get it right no matter what she does or says. That’s usually the case. If you have a son, you will probably be regarded in the same way one day so be prepared.

Couldn't you simply say "Please don't, I don't like my hair being touched"? Also" I'm not too comfortable with physical contact" ? Still love you lots though -

Your mother is a wise woman Patticake

My own mother said to me and I’ve passed it on to my own daughter, that your mother in law is the woman who brought up the man you fell in love with. Whilst I never loved my MiL like my own Mum, she was a woman with lots of love to give me and her grandchildren, we both compromised over certain things and I sadly missed her when she died. Good luck with your relationship, I bet you are both lovely women and just need a bit more practice at sorting out this ‘new’ dynamic.

Wasn't there a post the other day starting pretty much the same and on the same subject. It got withdrawn in the end as it ended upas HQ said a bit of a bunfight. All I could suggest that in time in will get better.

With regard to the hair stroking, there's no need to hurt her feelings if you tell her kindly but honestly.

Many people can't stand having their hair/head/face touched repeatedly, so you are not alone. You can tell her to please not do that but reassure her that it's not personal and that you don't mean to offend. Explain that you are one of those people who has a very sensitive scalp and that you experience an unpleasant, irritating sensation when your head is being stroked.

Newbiedoobie your post would be a good answer to the loneliness thread that is running.

Every time you call MIL how about telling her you've just been to the hairdresser and as everybody knows you hate having your hair fiddled about with, so didn't enjoy yourself. She might eventually get the message. By the way, 2 weeks visit is far too long- anybody staying with me for that length of time would get on my nerves- and I love people coming to stay- 3 days is plenty.

How is she with other relatives? Too helpful? Needy? My former MIL used daffiness, affection, always being there to baby sit etc to gain control of her other son, his wives (as it turned out as she was successful in driving 3 off) and their children. In the end she brought up 2 of the children. If you think this is a way of her getting control - Be firm. Be as independent. Be too busy for her! Your family and your happiness first! - And as for the hair - Nooo - she should show some respect. PS Of course it is always possible she is plain silly!

I find it so odd that everyone thinks the best idea is to reduce time spent with family. Just see them when you want to and not very often. I grew up seeing a lot of extended family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins all the time. Some we had to travel to, others we walked to, there was never any set time imposed when you could or couldn’t visit. I took my own children to visit family often and they’ve grown up with a big support network. It’s ok to want to spend time only with your other half and your own kids, but if you need help, then it’s great to have lots of people who you can rely on. This is no moan about the OP as I think she is a nice person who doesn’t want to upset anyone, but a lot of people seem to only view things from their own point of view, what they want, not taking into account the joy they give to a grandparent who is wanted not just tolerated, the solid and long standing relationships you build with cousins or an older aunt or uncle who feels included in the family, etc

Well you sound like a lovely DIL and likewise your MIL! These days, for a MIL and DIL to be friends seems to be unusual. She sounds a little OTT, but as you say her heart is in the right place, I would just focus on her good points and try and make allowances for her bad ones. I personally wouldn't say anything negative (don't stroke my hair, text so much etc), I wouldn't like to risk upsetting her; she's pretty harmless and yes, she sounds like she can be annoying at times, but so can we all. My MIL was a complete horror, unliked by her own children, I would have swapped her for yours in a heartbeat.

Is your MIL on her own, or do you have a FIL as well? I'm asking because never finishing sentences is the sort of bad habit that people can get into when living alone.

Pull her up when she does this, by asking her nicely what she was going to say. I had to do this with my own mother when she was some years older than your MIL and it did work.

Tell her too that you feel so guilty when you keep getting texts that you don't have time to reply to and ask her to accept that you will get round to answering her at such- and-such a time. Work out beforehand when in the course of the day (if you want to answer her every day) or in the week that suits you to text her.

Ask her not to touch your hair as it annoys you. We all have our likes and dislikes about these things.

My m-I-l doted over me as she never had a daughter, bought me gifts things she never had the excuse to buy before, fawned over me. When the babies arrived she was over protective but in a loving way. At the time I sometimes felt it was claustrophobic but she would ask "I hope you don't mind, I never had a daughter and now I'm sharing you!" She had such a big heart, a rare person who put others before herself. That generation of women never had the same academic opportunities as mine and were expected to be subservient to their husbands. Sadly she passed suddenly before her grand children could really get to know her.

Grandpa remarried someone who was cold, did not do hugs, did not like children but expected family to fall in with her plans. It was her way. It was hard because I felt I had to remind the children their real grandma was very different.

I miss her. But I don't miss her son!

I do feel for you, quite a delicate situation. I’m not a touchy feely person and find it embarrassing. I also get embarrassed at compliments and wish peope wouldn’t. Could you not turn it on yourself and tell her it’s a fault in you that you can’t bear being touchy feely and you find all the praise embarassing. I know it’s a bit of a cop out and perhaps you have more back bone than I did when I was younger but at least it would go some way to getting her to back off without upsetting her too much.

Wow! This made me realised just how irritating I must have been! My DIL just stopped replying to me and went rather cold! So in time I learned to interpret the message!!!!!!

I think you are being a bit hard on your MIL. She clearly needs to have contact with you and her grandchild. Is your DH her only child? If so perhaps she misses contact with her son. If she has other SILs or DILs perhaps you could ask them how she treats them. Please don't cut yourself off from her completely.

My mother-in-law was a lovely, sensible woman but she did irritate me in one specific way, particularly at the beginning of our relationship. I'd tell her about something and then she'd ask me to tell her about that very thing! Eventually, I realised that was just something she did. I accepted it, relaxed about it, expected it and was much happier simply repeating what I'd just said. Occasionally, she'd realise and say, "Oh Liz, I'm sorry! You just told me that, didn't you?"

Maybe I'm boring and she just switched off. Maybe I have a soothing voice and she switched off to it. Whatever! As I got older, I became more patient.

Anyway, there might be aspects of your mother-in-law's behaviour that you can convince yourself to accept and relax about. I'd go along with others' suggestions about not responding to texts. The hair stroking, however, would make me cringe! I don't like my hair or face being stroked. You could put your hair up, if it's long, or cover it with a scarf or cap or use a hair masque and leave it on when she visits.

Of course you could just lay down some ground rules with a smile e.g. Two hug rule: arriving and leaving. You could explain that too much physical affection from anyone, not just her, makes you uncomfortable.

Tell her you've got nits!
Seriously, she doesn't seem to be able to read people very well.
I have one DD who loves cuddles and hair stroking, the other one doesn't, so I don't, but I know she loves me just as much.
Never tried stroking my SiL's hair, I don't think he'd be impressed!

when she next strokes your hair , say please dont do that. ask her would she like a cat? but it is a sign of affection. she's treating you like a child.. and at her age .same as as me nearly we tend to go a bit over the top with trying to get some attention.not saying everyone does ,but maybe she feels left out....maybe she could help with certain jobs like gardening...make her feel wanted ...make her think she wanted as much as your own mum ,maybe she feels she's being pushed out....

Plenty of good advice on here already so won't add to it. Was wondering if your MIL is a gransnetter as she might read this and identity herself. That could solve the problem! Be careful what you post!

She sounds lonely and a bit over excited. I think you have to just try to put some distance, as people have said with the texts etc. Don't answer too frequently or with much detail. If someone other than a partner stroked my hair I would probably automatically recoil which would be upsetting so you have done well not to do that but I think that you can only physically move away from it.
A lot depends on the details, like whether she turns up unexpectedly or not. If she does you could say that you are just going out.
I don't think that you should try to discuss it with her as a problem as it will just sound to her as if you don't like her. There's no perfect solution but you will find it easier when you are not as tired as you are with a new baby and when her excitement has waned a bit.

Nella8 firstly about the "little girl""doddery old lady" behaviour. Sadly in the past some women managed their lives best by behaving like a little girl, particularly around men. It sounds as if your MIL is one of those and is now struggling with getting older. It isn't something that happens these days and if you haven't experienced it before it can be strange but if that's been her life she won't be changing now. But don't think that means she can't cope and mange things she can. It's hard work having a new baby and however well you are coping you will still be quite sensitive to things. Try thinking about the future and directing your MIL's affections and caresses from you to your baby is a great idea. If she visits give her him to hold a lot. As for the messaging as he gets older you could set up Skype with her and let her watch him playing. She's obviously a bit overwhelmed with her new GC and just wants you to know how grateful she is to you. If you can work through it she could be a great help in the future. Good luck!

I think it's a case of you putting some distance between you and deciding when you want or are able to make contact. For example, don't answer texts immediately (you don't even have to read them, just delete); not being available so often; etc.

Putting some distance between you may help so that when you DO meet up or read a text it's not so irritating as you've had a break from it and you are the one in control of how much time you can cope with.

When stroking your hair, politely say you'd rather she didn't do that as it makes you feel uncomfortable. She probably thinks you like it as she doesn't know you don't. Any thoughtful person will discontinue out of respect and just accept without causing a fuss or bad feeling.

As far as her 'silly' behaviour goes, try to ignore it as you would with a child. It could be a case of attention seeking and wanting your approval but it's having the opposite effect.

We are all different people, and we get on with some better than others. Acknowledge how you feel, it's not wrong to do that.

I think having someone who irritated me in my home for two weeks is more than I would be happy with so I would cut that down to one week and then to just a long weekend over a period of time and leave it to your partner to do more of the entertaining with her.

I don't expect my own daughters to send daily updates so again cut that down to a few times a week. If she is too touchy feely then just tell her you are not the sort of person who likes to do that with other women and if she takes no notice then your partner must tell her it makes you uncomfortable and it must stop.

If there is less pressure to have such frequent contact, I think you will be able to cope with this relative better. By responding to her daily contacts and having them to stay so often and for so long, you have encouraged her to think it is normal and will continue.