Sister sending nasty letters

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear husband. It is very normal to grieve for a loved one and crying is part of that process. Your unkind siblings have only added to your grief when you needed solace the most. They are in the wrong here because no one has the right to tell you how to grieve. Perhaps it is you who should consider cutting them off (and all their negativity), for the time being, at least.

In the meantime, talk to your priest, doctor or minister about joining a bereavement support group or talking to a grief counselor. You might also want to consider volunteering or joining a book club, a gym or a part time job in a bakery or gift shop. In short, anywhere you have to be 'doing' while surrounded by people.

Perhaps my advice may seem ludicrous, but keeping yourself occupied and busy is a good coping therapy.

Dear seastar, I too have sisters like yours and my mother was even worse (she encouraged them to be nasty to me in the first place) so I can imagine how alone and bereft you must be feeling after the death of your DH.

I realised recently that my mother's nastiness was due to mental health problems and that my sisters' nastiness was all about money because I stood in the way of them receiving one-half rather than one-third of the family inheritance.

Families, money and wills are a potent mix, as demonstrated by Agatha Christie in so many of her books. When people love money more than people they become unprincipled, unpredictable and unhinged. The more manipulative of my 2 sisters marryied twice for money and divorced the husbands who showed they couldn't provide what my sister expected as an "entitlement"

I have never been well off so I decided to put up with my mother's nastiness in order not to be cut out of the will. Fortunately she had all her marbles until her death and she was too much of a control freak to give power of attorney to anyone. It is a shame that this has happened in the case of your parents.

If you don't need to be in touch with your sisters I would cut them out of your life altogether. Visit whoever you like in the family - what's it got to do with them? Try and keep in touch with your parents though. Take someone with you as a potential witness if you're worried about the sisters showing up.

I know it's upsetting to be threatened but it's all just a lot of hot air. Like all bullies they only pick on you because they know they can get away with it. Turn the other cheek if you find it easier than giving them a taste of their own medicine. Don't open their letters or communicate with them in any way. You could even post them back unopened marked Return to Sender. If they phone put the phone down straight away.

Make sure you do find out about and attend family funerals because the threats are just a lot of hot air. Your sisters wouldn't dare be physically violent to you in front of so many witnesses and a priest of some sort. A priest would make a rather good witness don't you think?
If the threats are getting worse now it must be because your DH has died and they know you must be feeling more vulnerable. What cowards!

As others have said, see if you can get out and do new things and meet new people. Try out a new hobby or learn a new skill.

You should also try and get some support from other people you know. Sometimes just being with others who know nothing of your circumstances can be a useful distraction.

I wish you well.

Sorry to hear of your loss. It must be difficult coping on your own for the first time, without this nastiness !! You have a right to see your own parents ...no one can stop you. If you feel strong enough, just turn up and see if they are welcoming or have been brain washed by this awful 'sister'...but someone on here is absolutely right !!! You MUST report your concerns to the Office of the Public Guardian as that sister has control of the Power of Attorney ......and do you know if she has been appointed Executor of your parents' Wills ? This is another concern ....if so, SHE will be responsible for administering their estate when they die ...not acceptable in the circumstances. If you have a copy of their Wills, have a look and consult a Solicitor with your concerns. It is illegal not to adhere to the wishes of the deceased .......so please, if you can, check ! ...it is not so much a matter of inheritance (be it monetary or simply possessions you would like, or may have been left, but it is illegal not to obey the rules (and check if youhave been named in any Wills_......this happened to my husband .....the executor was his brother, and he and his three sisters decided to ignore his late mother's wishes and cut him out (nothing monetary, only some photos he would have liked)..BECAUSE his mother did not name each 'child' individually ............you will not need more nastiness when your parents die (if, even, you are told !) If you can speak to your parents without anyone else knowing, please do. ALSO no one can stop you going to a funeral ..... good luck

Whilst I appreciate you are still grieving over the loss of your husband,please please do not allow yourself to be bullied.

I think if my husband died, I'd be crying for the rest of my life. Maybe not every day but the grief would be overwhelming for a long while.
It sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree where your sister's children are concerned and I would take no notice whatsoever of what they say. Your nicer sister will no doubt be aware of the vitriol which would be heaped on her if she steps out of line so I would be surprised if she didn't do anything else but keep her head down.
Your parents are a different story and it is concerning that they have changed their will and Lasting POA's. The trouble is, they probably want an easy life too and until they are officially unable to make their own decisions, there isn't much you can do unless you are able to record them being bullied.
All you can do is protect yourself. Give yourself some time to grieve and then try to pick yourself up by joining groups/clubs where you can meet other people. I have already decided that if anything should happen to my better half, I am going to move into a setting where it is a little more communal.

Oh what cruel people. Please do show the police the threatening letter and write down anything else that happens, and back it up, maybe keep an email address to forward the information too. And I'd certainly want the court of protection to know what a nasty piece if work she is just in case
You're not going to get any help with coping with your bereavement from them and their families so make sure you get it elsewhere. Churches, counsellors, whoever you can find, widow's groups, you'll get much more help that way. CAB if you need help getting pensions sorted, and you'll maybe need help with probate. You'll be grieving for some while longer, and there will be the first anniversary of important days, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, they will always be hard but the first one is even harder. Look after yourself and make sure those threats of violence are reported

Easier said than done to 'ignore them', you have to be in that position, or similar, to fully understand the hurt this attitude can cause. But it really is the best way, takes a lot of time. Maybe some counselling would help you? Do you have supportive friends you can count on, sometimes friends are better than family... that old adage of being able to choose one's friends etc., is often true. Good luck, a difficult time for you made even harder to get through, but you will you know, even if at times it seems unlikely. Believe in yourself.

I feel so sad for you Seastar. To my mind I think for your own sanity you have to cut your losses and have nothing more to do with them. They are not worth the heartache, none of them. It will be hard, but you need to get a new life for yourself, so will have to make yourself join things/groups, whatever. Let’s hope karma will catch up with your nasty relatives and bite them hard on the bum. Sending love and hugs xx

Ellanvannin
A victim should NOT destroy recent or future evidence that can identify those who are inflicting such distress on a member of their family The law can only bring to justice these persons by the use of evidence.

Dear Seastar, so sorry for the loss of your husband, he sounds like a true friend and soulmate.

Your sisters sound appalling, and whether or not they are jealous, they shouldn’t be unkind to you in these or any circumstances. It sounds as though they are extremely concerned about your good relationship with your parents. Others have given advice about the Power of Attorney, so I won’t repeat it.

When the time is right, have you thought about U3A, volunteering, or helping with a political party or charity of your choose, etc? All of these will get you out of the house and may lead to meeting like minded people who may become friends.

Remember, we choose our friends, we don’t choose our family. But please don’t keep unpleasant people in your life. I do hope it all goes well - am sure it will. ?✅

You are the victim of bullies. My reaction would be to avoid ANY contact with them make no response as this type will relish the fact they have upset you.Keep all, if any, letters and if you have received the threats by phone I hope you have recorded them. Before you involve the law and unless they or others attempt to or inflict any violence on you then go to CA They will advise you free of charge what you need to do.

Seastar what an awful situation and what horrible sisters you have. Nothing absolutely nothing can defend this. I don't care even if "they would say xyz" as an excuse there
behaviour is disgusting.

My husband too passed away this year in March. I am also in early days grief as are you.

My husband family of origin have all bar one husband and wife (Hubby one brother) been absolutely appalling and have gone beyond the boundaries of disbelief. Threats of violence from one brother and his wife is one example towards us here and our adult children and so on.

The ones who threatened violence didn't come up for the funeral. What a surprise!

None of them were there for us or ever visited in all the years of my life with my husband. Thank God they dont live locally. Yet they think they can tell me what we should and shouldn't do, making unreasonable demands and calling us all liars. They tried to say I did know my husband was dieing when I didn't know. Whilst he wasn't a well man his death was not expected. It came out of the blue. I won't go into the whole story but that's the edges of it

People have found this horrendous as it indeed is. I didn't think I could hear anything worse until I read your post. Your own sisters doing that is beyond words.

I can only reiterate what has been said; go and see your parents, don't allow them to cut you off. Get support from your friends. I would also consider counselling and maybe an organisation like cruise.

You can't change what they do however you can change how you deal with this awful situation. My heart goes out to you l. I am fortunate to have a good family on my side and a fantastic network of friends who are loving and supportive. I hope you do too. If not then seek extra support please

Rise above it Seastars as soon as you have the health and strength to do so.
This sort of behaviour is quite common sadly, when a family member dies and relationships become strained more so than normal which is only understood by those who create the disharmony.
For the time being destroy any written contact from your sisters in order to give yourself some breathing space to grieve in your own time without outside interference. Ignore the phone if you think it might upset you.
To me,anyone who displays such tactics usually have underlying problems themselves and their only way of expressing them is to be mean to others.
My bet is that if you ignore them for long enough they might just see the errors of their ways and eventually come to. Meanwhile just concentrate on staying strong for yourself.

Clearly, these sisters are nasty. Ignore them and do not open any letters, surely you know their handwriting.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all this whilst grieving the loss of your husband.
I have a sister a lot like yours, manipulative and controlling. When I confronted her about a dreadful thing she had done, she showered me with abuse, cut me off and did her best to take the family with her.
The positive side of this is that my life is now rather restful and entirely free of melodrama and senseless disputes. A great improvement all round.

I'm so sorry Seastar that your beloved husband has died.
If you can, I would advise the first thing you do is get to a good counsellor as soon as possible. I found one by looking through a local online register and looking at what they specialised in. It was the best thing I did when my mum died. She (or he) will help you to sort through all your feelings. There is also Cruse Bereavement Counselling which is free but may have a waiting list. Its very good. The counsellor I chose had worked with Cruse. Informing the police sounds sensible and letting your sisters know through a solicitors letter but you could discuss this with a counsellor.
Its very early days. You will feel better. But please, do something now.

You need to get a back bone and tell your family where to go. Try to start a new life there are lots of courses also all different social clubs

It is still a very short time and it would be surprising if you weren't still tearful.
Do you drive or are you completely isolated? If the latter it might be worth thinking about moving to somewhere where there is more going on but it is obviously not the right time to be making major lifestyle decisions and your home will have a lot of memories.
When you are feeling stronger, think about volunteering or joining a group that does things that you like. You might have to try a few though, don't be put off if you don't like the first one.
It is good that you have the internet and can communicate with people here. If you do anything like sew or knit or garden etc. there are forums that you can join and you can make things for charity. It is hard to find good forums, but lovely when you do. Maybe one about local issues and you may then end up meeting people.
All the clichés about families are true. You don't choose them.
My sister is difficult, not as bad as your's sounds but a champion gaslighter and very manipulative. She has always been the favourite and my mother will believe anything she says and that is never going to change.
Maybe when you are feeling stronger you should consider whether you want to keep in touch with your parents. It is annoying to end up doing what a bully wants but if you did not have a happy childhood and your parents have not been supportive, you have to consider your own mental health. You don't know what your sisters have been telling them though. My sister told my mother than I kept in touch when I needed her and then dumped her when I didn't despite the fact that it was her decision that we shouldn't try to keep a relationship going as 'we just don't get along do we' was the response to me asking her to stop snapping at me which had become a habit. We only reconciled in the first place because she was still my person to contact on my medical notes so a hospital contacted her when I was admitted. If your sisters are all saying mean things, they may have manipulated your parents.
This is the time for you to think about yourself and your own needs. Don't make any decisions because you think that you ought to and don't let anyone tell you that your response to grief is not the right one.

How awful, when you’re going through your grief. However, please don’t stop visiting your parents. No one can dictate who you can see or speak to and you have the law on your side if there is physical violence. I agree with Jeanie, write down your thoughts, it really helps.

Win the Lottery? Then you'll find it was all a big mistake and they didn't mean it really!

As others say, she is clearly mentally unstable .... and threats of violence is def a criminal offence and should be reported to the Police. Save all correspondence as proof, and you may have to take a restraining order out. No one has the right to stop you going anywhere, how dare they.

I am really concerned that someone who issued threats of violence has Lasting Power off Attorney. At some point perhaps you should discus this with the Office of the Public Guardian.

Seastar I am so sorry to hear of the death of your husband and the way your family are reacting to your grief.
You sound very depressed do you have a friend you could talk to about all your problems.
Your GP might arrange for someone also who could give you bereavement counselling.
Try and keep a journal of your days and how you are feeling sometimes it helps to write things down.
You are feeling totally isolated at the moment but keep telling yourself although your relatives are not supporting you that there are good people in this world who are out there to help and give support and eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If you feel you could, try joining a walking group.
There is little we can do to alter someone else's mind when it is set on destructive behaviour.

Seastar condolences on the death of your dear husband. It is such early days but when you can the advice on here to look for support and friendship is really the way to go I am sure. If you are living in an isolated situation do have a think about a move.

Seastar, so sorry to hear about the death of your much loved husband. I was wondering which County you live in?
I know there are (meet ups) with Gransnetters all over the U.K.
Would it be possible to join one of the GN groups?
It would be a small step forward for you.