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Sister sending nasty letters

(66 Posts)
seastar Sat 20-Oct-18 04:46:49

I have 2 sisters one is very manipulating and nasty. The other sister follows the nasty sister. I have been cut off from them for years.

My husband died suddenly recently. the nasty sister wrote 2 dreadful letters. I couldn't cope with the death of my husband and my other sister offered support for 2 weeks. After that she cut me off. Since then, I have received messages from 2 nieces of the nasty sister saying that I should stop crying and learn to stand on my own 2 feet. The nasty sister also said that if I attend any family funerals, including those of mum/dad then she will react with physical violence. She has said not to visit mum/dad, my other sister or anyone else in the family.
So, I am cut off.
I feel so alone because I now have no-one and its only been 3 months since my husband died.
The nasty sister is jealous of my life for some reason and so has always tried to hurt me.
My other sister goes along with her. I feel so alone. Any thoughts?

silverlining48 Sat 20-Oct-18 05:46:06

I am sorry that things are so difficult and unpleasant. Your sisters and their families sound very unkind. Try to ignore them if you can and look after yourself, you have enough to deal with.
I hope you have other family or good friends who will be more supportive.

Apricity Sat 20-Oct-18 07:00:48

What a truly horrible series of actions towards a newly bereaved family member. From what you have said Seastar it sounds as though your sisters and their families were not a big part of your life before the death of your husband so perhaps not a big change and certainly no loss. I would guess that there is a lot of pretty turbulent water has passed under the family bridges over the years. I do so hope you have other more caring people in your life to help you through this difficult period as you learn to adjust to life without your husband. There are some very moving and supportive Bereavement threads on Gransnet from others who share your loss and they may help you.

Sending those sorts of letters to someone after a recent bereavement are despicable acts. Do your best to ignore them and please do not respond to them although you may wish to keep them as evidence in the event of future abusive or threatening letters or actions.

Whether you attend other family funerals, including your parents, is your choice not your sisters but if you do go to them make sure you have a supportive person (or persons) with you and are able to leave easily if you wish. 💐

stella1949 Sat 20-Oct-18 07:08:57

I'm sorry that you lost your husband , op. I can't help wondering how long your two sisters have been like this ? Did something particular happen to make them turn nasty, or have they always been like that.

You are not actually cut off as you assume - these two nasty people have told you not to see anyone but must you obey them ?

It sounds to me that you need to see your parents as soon as you can, and have a good talk to them. Your other sister too. They can't all be as bad as "the terrible two". And find out what is causing this nastiness. Then move on. Good luck to you.

Willow500 Sat 20-Oct-18 07:47:58

How dreadful and my condolences at the sudden loss of your husband. Are your parents living independently - is there a reason you can't visit them without meeting your sister or her family and what sort of relationship did you have with them prior to your bereavement? If you are able to go and see them as soon as possible and at least keep communications open with them. It's totally heartless to be sent messages such as that at such a sad time!

rafichagran Sat 20-Oct-18 08:40:09

If your sister has written letters and threatened physical violence, I would keep them and when you feel stronger take them to the Police. Your sister has committed a offence sending that in the post.

I do not usually advocate getting things logged with the Police, however threatening violence is unacceptable, and she sounds at best jealous and at worse unhinged. I would take this very seiously. She is clearly dripping her poison to the rest of the family.
I am very sorry for the loss of your husband, it must have been a shock for you. I hope you have friends who you can turn too, in place of your family.

BlueBelle Sat 20-Oct-18 08:44:04

I m sorry to hear your husband died so recently It’s a time when you would hope you’re family would be around you and support you
You’re ‘nasty’ sister actually sounds mentally unstable and the other sister is perhaps under her thumb If you ve been cut off for years it’s nothing new and personally sad as it is Id stay cut off Howeverif you still have a good relationship with your parents please keep visiting them as normal and if you have any more threats of violence I d visit the police
As for the letters file them away in a file marked rubbish if they are threatening, you could need them as evidence, but DO NOT keep reading them
Do you have any friends who will support you and give you a shoulder to cry on please do use others to talk to dont bottle things up Gransnetters will help too

PECS Sat 20-Oct-18 10:00:18

Sorry to hear about the recent death of your husband. Your sisters sound very unhappy and unkind people. I would echo what others have said. Put the letters in a safe place.. if any more threats are made you do need to report it to the police or a solicitor along with the letter.
If you usually visit parents then carry on as before. Your sisters do not control you and you must not allow them to. Whatever caused this family rift is not likely to be sorted now. Use your friends and neighbours as your 'family' now & tp help you move forward into the next stage of life. If you send cards for birthday & Christmas continue as before. Keep the moral high ground.

crazyH Sat 20-Oct-18 10:56:19

Seastar, so sorry about the sudden loss of your dear husbandflowers
How dare your neices tell you to stop crying and stand on your own two feet? How dare your "nasty sister " tell you to keep away from your parents? What do they (your parents ) think about all this? Are they aware of the situation? If I were you I would carry on visiting them as usual. I really wouldn't tell them anything. It would break their hearts if they knew that their children are at war with one another. I know I was so sad when at one point my daughter and my older son were not talking to each other.
Perhaps jealousy of your 'life' is the main cause. You don't mention children (unless I missed it) , perhaps that's why you feel so alone. Your husband was your everything. I do hope you have a good circle of friends. Are you seeing a Bereavement Counsellor? Perhaps they can help you deal with all that's going on around you at this sad time. Take care Seastarxx

M0nica Sat 20-Oct-18 11:15:34

seastar, that family should be unpleasant at a time of such grief for you is tragic and unpleasant.

Your 'nasty' sister sounds mentally disturbed and your other sister under her thumb. As others have said, not knowing the family dynamics that led to this situation, it is not easy to advise, but just because one sister is afraid of another and acquiesces in what she does and says, does not mean that you have to. Visit your parents, possibly without much notice, so that the unpleasant one cannot be ready and waiting.

If threats of violence have been made in writing then show them to the police. Apart from anything else, if your sister does it again or threatens to attack you when you visit your parents, you can turn to her and say. 'I have already spoken to the police and shown them your letters and I will continue to keep a diary of all threats, as advised by the police' (which is almost undoubtedly what they will advise). This can be very effective in stemming threatened violence as I have discovered.

Meanwhile, look after yourself. Seek counselling to deal with this problem as well as your loss flowers

rafichagran Sat 20-Oct-18 11:33:07

Grieve for your husband and ignore the Cinderella sisters and their horrible offspring, it seems the Apple never fell far from the tree there.

You say your sisters are jealous of you, that is their problem, If they are so eaten up with hate and jealousy they are the miserable one's.
Do your parents own a property or have savings, I hate to say it but is her motive more out of greed for any inheritance.

Keep in touch with your friends and if you have too, see a GP, See your parents if you want, as she had no right to dictate.

Please accept my best wishes and I hope you feel better soon.

sodapop Sat 20-Oct-18 11:54:44

Cinderella sisters is so apt rafichagran.
I agree with other posters, don't revisit this any more, but talk to your parents calmly and see if they are aware of the problem.
You need time to grieve for your husband now so take support from friends, maybe a bereavement group would help.

seacliff Sat 20-Oct-18 12:12:15

Sorry for your loss Seastar, and for what you're going through. Are there any family members who are kind to you? Or any friend you could talk to?

Gransnet is always here for chat and support, so please stay. Best wishes

seastar Sat 20-Oct-18 12:14:29

Thank you for the advice. My parents have sided with my nasty sister. My parents have money and I was the executor of their will if anything should happen. My parents are 85 and 84 years old. the nasty sister is now executor and she also has power of attorney. My mum has early Altzeimers and my dad is very frail. I had a horrible childhood and the estrangement has been there since I went to University. My sisters didn't. They have had loads of kids and loads of marriages which was their choice. I only had the one husband who I loved more than my own life.

Should I be able to stand on my own two feet and deal with my 'problem' of bereavement on my own as my niece says? My niece says that I am a 'mental case' because I cry so much over my husband.

FlexibleFriend Sat 20-Oct-18 12:21:10

I'm sorry for your loss x

Your sisters and their offspring sound like very unhappy and miserable individuals who have frankly done you a favour by cutting you off. No one needs their kind of venom in their lives.
If you want to see your parents then do so, don't allow yourself to be a victim. Take control and when your ready visit whoever you choose to.

seastar Sat 20-Oct-18 12:26:30

I'm isolated where I live - no real friends. Doctor has prescribed medication. My little sister supported me for 2 weeks and then said I should be able to sort my own problem out and has cut me off now. She has made friends with my nasty sister. My husband has no family they have died over the years.
I don't know why this has all happened to me. I have always been supportive and nice to my family even though I've been told by my doctor that it is all down to jealousy. I don't try to make them jealous and have always tried to make them feel good. I get no b.day cards etc from them and they told me years ago to not send them cards. I only use to get a b.card from my husband and Christmas cards from a few people I work with. I don't know why this has happened. I am never nasty to anyone. In fact I have been told that I am too kind.

SueDonim Sat 20-Oct-18 12:41:39

I'm very sorry you've lost your husband so suddenly, Seastar. flowers I've recently lost a friend in sudden, shocking circumstances and whilst that doesn't compare in any way to losing your husband, I've been told that the effects of the shock can last at least six months and as long as a year or maybe more so it's really no wonder you're crying and unhappy.

I think you're on a hiding to nothing with your family. Even if relations were thawed, would you ever fully trust them again? I don't think I could.

When you say you're isolated, do you mean physically, as in living in a remote area? If so, would you contemplate a move to somewhere with more to offer in the way of a social life? There are lots of things available to do nowadays and it would bring you into contact with others and where you might find friends. Even one or two friends can make such a difference to life. They don't need to be bosom buddies, just seeing a familiar face on the High Street can make your day.

There are also bereavement services available, and you might find it beneficial to talk to them. Other Gransnetters, sadly, have experience of this and I am sure they would be very willing to point you in the right direction.

M0nica Sat 20-Oct-18 12:53:00

seastar, you have had a bad time and have an unsupportive family, to put it mildly. The loss of your DH will always be with you and how much you miss him and now when you are so grief stricken is not immediately a time to start rebuilding your life, but at sometime you will need to do it.

I wonder whether, perhaps your marriage was so happy that your DH was all you needed, and to a certain extent you were able to pass through life without having to make an effort to meet and make friends outside your home.

Now you will need to look elsewhere for human contact and friendship and this may well not be easy for you. Perhaps now and again you could think about what life you can now build yourself. Look at what interests you have, what organisations there are locally that interest you, whether you would enjoy volunteering with a group. There are some organisations like Cruse who help bereaved people meet in a supportive atmosphere and gradually move forward.

Any change in your life can only come from you, and no-one will pretend that that is easy, but you are the only one who can do it.

If there is a GN meet-up in your area or an accessible one, why not start with attending that.

rafichagran Sat 20-Oct-18 13:23:17

Listen, you are not a mental case. You have every right to grieve for a man you love. I believe your sisters are eaten up with jealousy.
You have to move forward without them, because trust me they are not worth it.
Your sister has the daughters she deserved. Nasty and vindictive. When she is older and needs help I dought they will be around
I would also say your story with your sister is not too dissimilar to mine. My sister got all my parents wealth, a house and money. I was told I had a good case to take her to court. I could not be bothered it would have made my Mothers life all about money. My Father had died a shirt while before.
I moved on and so can you. It's hard and many tears will be shed along the way. You can do it, trust me on this, it will make your sisters more unhappy knowing you have moved on.

BlueBelle Sat 20-Oct-18 13:26:22

Seastar your second post makes things a bit clearer and I would think jealousy is paramount because you had a strong stable marriage and they had in your words lots of husbands and lots of children
I totally understand you live in a remote area with no real friends and three months is a very very short time but the sooner you can find some support, some reason for going out and about, some reason for getting up in the morning I take it the sisters don’t live anywhere near you hence all the letter writing. Do you drive? Do you live on a bus route? Can you ask your doctor to put you in connection with some groups, and/or some counselling You really do need some support but in the meantime keep coming on here to talk to us 💐

cornergran Sat 20-Oct-18 17:29:53

I’m so sorry for your loss Seastar, family dynamics around death never cease to amaze me. Your sister and nieces are quite wrong, you aren’t a mental case, you are in early stages of grief. You do sound very isolated and without caring support. I think, apologies if I am wrong, that you are working? If so is there any provision for counselling support from your employer? Often called an EAP scheme. Otherwise why not speak to your GP to see if there is someone in the surgery you can talk to or look up your nearest CRUSE branch. It is very early days, professional support would at least give you a safe space in which to talk and be reassured your reactions are to be expected. There’s always someone here to listen if it helps to talk to us. Look after yourself.

seastar Sun 21-Oct-18 02:31:12

I'm so taken aback by the kindness of you all. I have not had much support at all and to read the posts here has really helped. It's nice to know someone cares. Thank you x

Kupari45 Sun 21-Oct-18 18:46:42

Seastar, so sorry to hear about the death of your much loved husband. I was wondering which County you live in?
I know there are (meet ups) with Gransnetters all over the U.K.
Would it be possible to join one of the GN groups?
It would be a small step forward for you.

luluaugust Sun 21-Oct-18 19:14:42

Seastar condolences on the death of your dear husband. It is such early days but when you can the advice on here to look for support and friendship is really the way to go I am sure. If you are living in an isolated situation do have a think about a move.

jeanie99 Mon 22-Oct-18 00:53:07

Seastar I am so sorry to hear of the death of your husband and the way your family are reacting to your grief.
You sound very depressed do you have a friend you could talk to about all your problems.
Your GP might arrange for someone also who could give you bereavement counselling.
Try and keep a journal of your days and how you are feeling sometimes it helps to write things down.
You are feeling totally isolated at the moment but keep telling yourself although your relatives are not supporting you that there are good people in this world who are out there to help and give support and eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If you feel you could, try joining a walking group.
There is little we can do to alter someone else's mind when it is set on destructive behaviour.