No sister for 10 years

Write to her.

We are all in different situations with our families. My example below is extreme. I'd like to tell it because the assumption that sisters can be close no matter what can be very wrong

blueskies Same here, my sister was older than me. Resented a new baby. She did not speak to me. Ever. Not once,even in our childhood.

She died two years ago. She was fifty six .
Still hadn't spoken a single word to me.

She despised our family and chose the single life and loads of friends. Friends who tailed off and left her alone in her last year of terminal illness.
She and I have some mutual friends from school days so i know some of the detail of her death.

She was dead and buried a while before I heard through the grapevine about her death.
I can honestly say that I don't care a jot.

Flowers with a note, just to let her know you are thinking of her. I don't think you would have posted if you wanted to do nothing.

I like Newnanny’s suggestion of flowers with a note saying you are sorry to hear that she is ill and asking if there is anything you can do to help. It’s enough to show that you are thinking of her and are offering an olive branch. She can then contact you, or ask someone else to do so on her behalf.

To those saying they wouldn’t want any contact with someone they had a fued with if they were on their deathbed, if you read Nurses accounts from those times, or even use your imagination, you’ll realise that pettiness is irrelevant when you know your life is ending. No one says ‘I wish I had worked longer hours, or I wish I had had more conflict’.

Yes please send that letter

When my Stepfather split up from his first wife, his adult daughter rejected him lock, stock and barrel. He was never given the chance to explain why he felt the marriage had failed. All his cards to her were never acknowledged and when she had kids, gifts were returned. Eventually he gave up. However, when he had a stroke, I tracked a friend of his daughter down and asked her to let her know. Within 24 hours she had contacted me and made arrangements to visit. When he died 3 weeks later, my step-father had met all his grandchildren and made peace with his daughter.
At the funeral I spoke to her and she said that at first she had been so hurt on her mother's behalf who put pressure on her to abandon her Dad. She eventually realised how hard it was for her Dad to stay married to her Mum after her Mum moved in with her but felt she had behaved so badly she didn't feel entitled to contact her father. Naturally she was devastated for the years missed but both of them were so pleased they had reconnected.
Send your letter OP, don't let regret haunt you.

If you would have/could have turned up in the past , why not do so now.,or give her a call, unless you are certain that ,that would upset her greatly. Best wishes with what ever you decide.Regret works in both directions, you are probably more likely to regret not trying , than trying .

I agree.it's never too late to make amends.better late than never.

My sister bullied me from childhood ( she even held my head under the water at the seaside ). She caused me untold distress and a friend advised me to "divorce" her which I did. However after years of no contact I did send a letter to her asking if we could be "sisters" as we are both getting on. I had a nasty negative reply but then two years ago I felt I needed to try once more and I telephoned. She was abusive and put the phone down. She died two weeks later. I don't regret trying to speak with her but I do regret all those years of distress. What was she thinking of and why me. I have to put it all to rest but sometimes it still upsets me and I wonder what else I could have done. I think that the suggestion of flowers and a note is a good idea. Families eh!

It's not always easy to know what's best to do in emotional situations like this. When I was teaching in a deprived area, our school motto was 'Do the Right Thing' but what is the right thing to do here? OP, no one can tell you what's right to do. You know best. Whatever you feel is right is the thing to do. Make your decision and get on with it. Don't dither and no regrets. If you decide not to contact your sister or her family, accept your own decision. If you decide to write, do it now!

My class wrote a song which we performed in assembly.
Do the Right Thing, Do the Right Thing, Do the Right Thing with a Rap!

(Sadly, it didn't really convince many of those poor kids although they enjoyed the song writing and performing. It was very difficult for them to recognise the 'Right Thing' in any situation. They just reacted, but the principle still holds true ☺)

Silverlady, I heard the husband of someone I'd evidently offended many years ago, and who'd washed their hands of me, was seriously ill. I wrote to her apologising and she wrote back, glad to have an ear, as she's going through a very difficult time. I text her now, offering sympathy, which I genuinely feel, but I doubt it will go much further than that. She texts when she's down. We can't really be responsible for other people's feelings, but I believe it's better to try to mend broken relationships. Hope I don't sound overly pious. Good luck.

Silverside79. Were it yourself in the same position how would you feel in receiving a letter from an estranged relative ?.Not aware of the cause of the rift only yourself will know how to word that letter.Should there be no response at least you will have attempted to let bygones be bygones and should not reproach yourself.

I would definitely write the letter. My late MIL always wanted to contact her brother who she fell out with years before but could never find him. It was a stupid row over a chair he wanted when their mother died. She was grieving for her mother as he was too, and she threw him out of the house. Still was asking for him when she was dying. Your sister may want to make peace so write a letter. If she wants to see you someone will then let you know. Either way you will give her the opportunity to make friends.

I too have a sister I have fallen out with. Something i never imagined possible. It would actually be more a case of her falling out with me. But she's a difficult person and has declined the olive branches I have held out. But I still care. Growing up we were very close and had some happy times, so how can I not still care. And, God forbid, if anything should happen to her, I would hold out a further olive branch and leave it up to her. I think you should write a letter and leave the decision up to her. You don't want to have any regrets. I imagine illness can be a big wake up call so she may have a change of heart. Good luck.

If she wrote to you, respond. Nothing too long would be my choice. Flowers and a note or a letter written on a blank card. Good luck.

Well said Maggiemaybe ! As an onlooker we are not in a position to judge or presume what has or has not occurred over the past years.

I haven’t seen my brother since we scattered our mother’s ashes on her mother’s grave over 20 years ago. We do exchange birthday and Christmas cards with occasional photos and snippets of news inside. He is five years older than me, we have always been very different personalities and our lives are very different. There has never been an argument but we have gradually drifted apart since our mother died. He does have a degenerative disease and I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I feel it is time we saw each other. I have mentioned going to see him in cards but he has always ignored this so I have assumed he doesn’t want me to, perhaps wrongly. To avoid any awkwardness I have decided I am going to phone his daughter and ask her to let me know if he wants me to visit. If I write a letter he could ignore it but this way I will get an answer. Do you have a third party who can help you heal the rift?

I hadn't seen my brother in around 16 years and his wife died. I was invited to the funeral... Not the best time to meet up but I stayed at his has and we talked and I met his now grown up children and their partners. Do not worry about those years that have gone missing....write that letter.

I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers. I see 2 sisters and 1 brother on a regular basis. My youngest sister and I have not talked for 5 years and then it was my sister refusing to be in the same photo as me, I told her it was her loss! When I want her to know something, I tell my sisters or her mother in law! This annoys her intensely, and I find the whole situation hilarious!
However, if the situation arose as with the OP I would write to her and offer to meet, it would be ignored, but at least I would have tried.
I think, for peace of mind, a letter should be sent, expressing regret, and hopes for a healthy outcome and to aarrand, hopefully, a visit. It is never to late to reconnect.
My eldest brother returned to visit my mother 37 years after he'd left home, it was what my mother was holding on for, she died 2 months later. They spent 10 days talking as though they'd never been apart!
Please, send the letter.

Notanan i totally disagree with your post. I hate these forums when people always have to get snippy and some downright nasty. People post asking for advice, not criticism so i believe if there’s nothing constructive to say just move on. People fall out all the time and families don’t always get on. However, i think the OP should write a letter. Afterall, she may not get on with her sister but that doesn’t mean she wishes her any ill fortune. Sometimes we are better without people in our lives but we don’t hate them. If i was dying i would appreciate a genuine, private letter. If you get a reply then maybe visit. If not, no harm done, but there will be lots of regrets if you don’t.

I think i would send her a bunch of flowers through Interflora and enclose a hand written note saying even though you haven't kept in touch you were sorry to hear she was unwell and ask if there is anything you can do for her to make her feel a bit better.

It's a bit like sending a wreath when someones dies but never visiting that person when they were alive.
The letter would only be to salve your own conscience.

Although terminally ill many people are able to make contact with whoever they see fit.
Your sister will be in touch if she wishes to.

Being terminally ill doesn't mean you lose mental faculties.
Unless of course she has merely days left in which case I'd say its a bit late now.

Personally I'd no more wish to contact someone I had nothing in common with than I would any other day of our separate lives.
I'd have no right to be in contact in their last days/months.

I think agnurse's suggestion of a brief note is a good one

A friend, estranged from her brother for many years, was reunited with him shortly before she died. This brought comfort both to her and her brother. If you don't try to make your peace with your sister, even if you get no response, you will at least feel that you made the effort. Think about how you will feel if you don't.