No sister for 10 years

Personally if it was me who was seriously ill or on my deathbed, I wouldn't want people coming out of the woodwork who weren't part of my life when I was well. Either in person or other forms of contact.

I think if it gets to "the end" its too late. By then I will only want people around who have shared time with me regularly before I got to that point.

Your sister may feel otherwise. That would be me. I would resent "out of the blue" contact if I was sick/dying. It would cause me upset at a time when I had no energy to spare and need to focus on saying goodbye to the people who were IN my life.

I don't agree with notanan your sister may be wanting to hear from you. In your place I would write a letter explaining you would like to see her but only if she would like to see you. Then leave it to her whether she replies. If you don't you could find yourself regretting it.

I think you're right, Silverlady79, a loving letter would be the best thing. She may be longing to hear from you, who knows? If she doesn't reply, and you're sure she's seen the letter, you'll know how she feels and you won't be any worse off. and best wishes for you both.

I also haven't spoke to my brother for the best part of 7, I have thought about what would I do in a position like yours,
I apologise for my direct questions but what made you stop talking? has your life been better since your lack of contact?a letter is a good idea, turning up unannounced a bad one, could be volatile? You are right family breakdowns are very sad, sometimes they can be repaired sometimes not. do the contact not out of guilt or shame but something to do for yourself as well as your sister

best wishes

Has she told you herself she is seriously ill?
If so she is hoping for a response.
If her family have told you,then ask them to act as liason between you and find out if she welcomes a visit or at least a response to the news.
You really don't want lifelong regrets that you did nothing to make things better.

I did say that the sister might want contact Oldwoman70 we just dont know.

I just said that I wouldnt want people crawling out of the woodwork at a time like that. Why then? And not when I was well? Would feel like rubbernecking and/or virtual signalling because what is the point when it is too late?

Make peace with her. I think the reconciliation will help both her and you. She is your sister after all.
Don't just turn up....write her a letter.
I hope you will be able to make amends with each other before it's too late.

Silverlady I too come from a fractured and damaged family and havnt spoken to my sibling for many months. Whilst I regret the situation which was not of my choosing I am happier without the inevitable stress of contact.
I suppose in your circumstances i would probably write a letter expressing that regret but not necessarily expecting a reply.

Write to her Silverlady. What ever the outcome you'll have done the right thing and that's all any of us can do.

No, we haven't spoken. When we have it's been difficult. Now she has been told she is very seriously ill. It's the day I have been dreading. The idea is to write her a loving letter

But why did you wait until she was ill to write it?
It sounds a bit selfish, you get to say you "did the right thing" by writing to her now, when she may be too weak or otherwise occupied to reply.

If the letter was genuine, why wasn't it sent 6 months ago?

Oh yes don’t let it just go you may live with awful regrets especially as you say it was as much your fault as hers
Letter is best option let her know you have missed the contact ( if you have) and that you blame yourself too, for your broken relationship I hope you can make your peace with her

Because these things have a tendency to drift and before you know where you are a year matpybe two have gone and then its so much harder to make the first move notanan

Better you write to your sister , if she doesn’t reply you may be hurt, if you don’t make contact and she dies you will have to live with ‘if only’ , the latter is more painful .

Its all a bit empty if the sister is out of time so the OP would never have to put the words in the letter into action.

Bluebell I agree in some cases, but if you read the part of the OP that I quoted it does seem like she chose not to write when the sister was well and almost waited until this. Why?

I just dont think that now that she is ill, it is fair for the OP to chose this time to write to exonerate her own regrets and or guilt.

The sister and those that are IN her life have enough to deal with themselves right now.

Well I disagree Notanan I think no time is too late to make amends and if the sister doesn’t answer nothing lost and if she does it ll be lovely to make peace everyone deserves a chance Silverlady doesn’t say that she did anything bad just that they had a difficult relationship and they obviously drifted apart Six to one and half a dozen to the other someone needs to hold an olive branch out
Silverlady said her sister is seriously ill that doesn’t necessarily mean dying they may even have some time together worth a try in my opinion and I think it’s harsh to say she’s only doing it to exonerate her conscience perhaps the sister will welcome the contact

What would you put in a “loving letter” now, that you haven’t wanted to say over the last ten years?

I tend to agree with notanan. It sounds as if you are only doing it to make yourself comfortable.

The question really is how will this letter make your sister feel? Is there anyone close to her that you could ask?

You may have to live with regrets but surely these span the ten years you have not cared about her. How will a letter now make any difference except to way you see yourself or want others to think of you

If you’re honest, is it more about your needs than your sister’s?

My sister abdicated from the family when our dad died,she didn't want the responsibility of looking after mum.We all tried to contact her,she changed her phone number,didn't answer letters even though we knew she was at the same address.When mum was seriously ill we got in touch with her daughter and asked her to intervene.Waste of time .She did turn up at the funeral with her in laws in tow and cried ,crododile tears my mother would have said.If you're sister doesn't want to be part of your family ,let her go.Dont feel guilty,it's HER choice.My sister didn't return to the fold after mum died ,she did surface once to see a cousin visiting for the first time in 50 years ,then nothing .

....and if the sister doesn’t answer nothing lost
.....from the OPs point of view.
From the sisters POV the letter will either be welcome OR be unwelcome and add distress to her and those close to her at an already difficult time.

What about just writing a short note for now indicating that you would be open to further discussion?

This way there would be some contact but you wouldn't have to go into detail in the initial note. Your sister can then make the decision of whether or not she is open to a reconciliation or a longer missive.

If you really feel the loving words you want to write, then do it. Only you know how you feel, your gut instinct is telling you what is right for you. If you do decide to write, don't delay.

None of us knows what is behind the family rift, nor do we know whether the OP has tried healing it before now. She says they haven't spoken - that doesn't necessarily mean she hasn't tried to make contact. Judging her for something that may not have been of her making and insinuating that she is selfish is unfair.

None of us knows what is behind the family rift
Exactly. So no one here can say that sending the letter will definitely do no harm.