No sister for 10 years

I don't like my brother because he has been vindictive with me and blamed me wrongly for things. We haven't bothered with each other for two- three years. I still love him. Does that make sense? I still send him a birthday card ( he has never ever sent me one but I always bought birthday present too) and Christmas card. Last year he thought I was seriously ill and texted me to ask how I was. I was not impressed but kind of glad. I think I would send a little letter along the lines of "although we don't talk I still love you...."

Write to your sister x

Surely in a situation like this where a sister is very seriously ill a letter can be sent wishing her the best (whatever that may be in the context) and perhaps sadness about the family estrangement without fear of repercussions or even expecting a reply? Sometimes as life draws to a close people need to try to heal old wounds and send out feelers to family and friends. There are times to be generous and put old wounds aside and maybe this is one of them. ?

I would try and make contact and do what I could to heal the rift. I don't expect your suster is happy that you are not talking. It may well be disturbing her mental peace at an already difficult time. Surely we would all prefer mended relationships rather than broken ones?

My two sisters didn't speak for 25 years. I spoke to both of them , though one was living far away so it was mainly letters in those days. Then the "far away" sister was diagnosed with liver cancer and given a very short time frame. I told our other sister, who also had the same dilemma as you have got - what to do ?

In the end, she wrote a letter . She said that she wished things had been different, and that life had turned out better. She didn't say anything that she didn't mean . She sent the letter to our sister's daughter, and asked if she could read it to her mother , but only if she felt it would help and not do any harm. Her daughter did read it to her mother , and relayed that our sister had been happy to hear those words.

I don't know if this example will help, but it's one way of doing this sad thing.

It is the sister facing the illness. Not the OP.

The sister right now has the bigger burden.
Its not the time for the OP to decide she wants contact, not now while the sister already has so much to deal with.
The sister can ask for contact if it is what she wants/needs at this already difficult time.

My sister has severe mental health issues, and she cut off the whole family for about seven years many years ago. The family had not done anything to deserve this, and didn’t really have any idea why, but we had to accept it. Eventually, after a severe breakdown, my sister was diagnosed and treated, and after two years of treatment she made peace with the family. My point is that we don’t know how or why Silverlady’s sister has not been in contact. We don’t know who broke off the relationship, or if it drifted gradually until it was no more. Silverlady says it was a difficult relationship. Sometimes it’s easier to let go in a difficult relationship because the constant hurt is too much to bear. The point is that Silverlady now wants to make contact, so she should. If her letter is ignored then she will know where she stands in this relationship, but if her sister replies then it may be possible to restore some part of the relationship.
My own sister is now ill again, and she has gone down the line of almost no contact again, including with her elderly mother and her four adult children, and all her grandchildren. I accept the situation because I have lived through it before, but if I knew my sister was seriously ill I would make contact with her, and she could decide whether to respond or not. She is my sister after all, and whatever happens nothing will change that, or the fact that I still care for her. Maybe Silverlady feels the same.

I feel I may have this issue in store. My sister made it clear to me years ago that she didn’t want me in her life. My father’s death brought us together for a very short spell. Then I moved away to be closer to my children. I went back to visit her three years ago and she piled so much agony on me that I needed to escape. We haven’t spoken since. I sent her a gift which didn’t get acknowledged. This year I got a birthday message by email. I responded that I was going to be in town and got no response. So I’m over it now.

None of us knows what is behind the family rift
Exactly. So no one here can say that sending the letter will definitely do no harm.

None of us knows what is behind the family rift, nor do we know whether the OP has tried healing it before now. She says they haven't spoken - that doesn't necessarily mean she hasn't tried to make contact. Judging her for something that may not have been of her making and insinuating that she is selfish is unfair.

If you really feel the loving words you want to write, then do it. Only you know how you feel, your gut instinct is telling you what is right for you. If you do decide to write, don't delay.

What about just writing a short note for now indicating that you would be open to further discussion?

This way there would be some contact but you wouldn't have to go into detail in the initial note. Your sister can then make the decision of whether or not she is open to a reconciliation or a longer missive.

....and if the sister doesn’t answer nothing lost
.....from the OPs point of view.
From the sisters POV the letter will either be welcome OR be unwelcome and add distress to her and those close to her at an already difficult time.

My sister abdicated from the family when our dad died,she didn't want the responsibility of looking after mum.We all tried to contact her,she changed her phone number,didn't answer letters even though we knew she was at the same address.When mum was seriously ill we got in touch with her daughter and asked her to intervene.Waste of time .She did turn up at the funeral with her in laws in tow and cried ,crododile tears my mother would have said.If you're sister doesn't want to be part of your family ,let her go.Dont feel guilty,it's HER choice.My sister didn't return to the fold after mum died ,she did surface once to see a cousin visiting for the first time in 50 years ,then nothing .

What would you put in a “loving letter” now, that you haven’t wanted to say over the last ten years?

I tend to agree with notanan. It sounds as if you are only doing it to make yourself comfortable.

The question really is how will this letter make your sister feel? Is there anyone close to her that you could ask?

You may have to live with regrets but surely these span the ten years you have not cared about her. How will a letter now make any difference except to way you see yourself or want others to think of you

If you’re honest, is it more about your needs than your sister’s?

Well I disagree Notanan I think no time is too late to make amends and if the sister doesn’t answer nothing lost and if she does it ll be lovely to make peace everyone deserves a chance Silverlady doesn’t say that she did anything bad just that they had a difficult relationship and they obviously drifted apart Six to one and half a dozen to the other someone needs to hold an olive branch out
Silverlady said her sister is seriously ill that doesn’t necessarily mean dying they may even have some time together worth a try in my opinion and I think it’s harsh to say she’s only doing it to exonerate her conscience perhaps the sister will welcome the contact

I just dont think that now that she is ill, it is fair for the OP to chose this time to write to exonerate her own regrets and or guilt.

The sister and those that are IN her life have enough to deal with themselves right now.

Bluebell I agree in some cases, but if you read the part of the OP that I quoted it does seem like she chose not to write when the sister was well and almost waited until this. Why?

Its all a bit empty if the sister is out of time so the OP would never have to put the words in the letter into action.

Better you write to your sister , if she doesn’t reply you may be hurt, if you don’t make contact and she dies you will have to live with ‘if only’ , the latter is more painful .

Because these things have a tendency to drift and before you know where you are a year matpybe two have gone and then its so much harder to make the first move notanan

Oh yes don’t let it just go you may live with awful regrets especially as you say it was as much your fault as hers
Letter is best option let her know you have missed the contact ( if you have) and that you blame yourself too, for your broken relationship I hope you can make your peace with her

No, we haven't spoken. When we have it's been difficult. Now she has been told she is very seriously ill. It's the day I have been dreading. The idea is to write her a loving letter

But why did you wait until she was ill to write it?
It sounds a bit selfish, you get to say you "did the right thing" by writing to her now, when she may be too weak or otherwise occupied to reply.

If the letter was genuine, why wasn't it sent 6 months ago?

Write to her Silverlady. What ever the outcome you'll have done the right thing and that's all any of us can do.

Silverlady I too come from a fractured and damaged family and havnt spoken to my sibling for many months. Whilst I regret the situation which was not of my choosing I am happier without the inevitable stress of contact.
I suppose in your circumstances i would probably write a letter expressing that regret but not necessarily expecting a reply.