No sister for 10 years

Silverlady if you want to send a letter or flowers then just do it but don't anticipate any contact as it may well not happen but you might be pleasantly surprised. At least you will have tried.

crazyH
Thank you very much. You are very right in all youve said.
Charmed lives are not for us all.

My MS is a nuisance. When it was being diagnosed I was in the intensive stroke ward unable to move.
There was mention of motor nuerone disease.
For this reason i was relieved it was "just" MS. I still have that mindset.
You're ex husband sounds awful.
My son's are married.
Two very happily, one seperated and wife moved two hundred miles away. Oldest one resident in Hong Kong.
Life'sfull of surprises !

I am in a very similar place to the OP, my sister and I had a big fall out about 2years ago and had not spoken since. I have to admit, my life has felt a lot less stressful since not having her directly in my life. I have kept up to date on how she has been via rest of family, including my daughters. Recently she got told she needed a second mastectomy, and although I was very selfishly glad I wasn’t going to be her ‘go to’ for support, I was still upset about it and knew she would be very scared. After talking to her son and one of our nieces I wrote her a very short email, saying that I had heard what had happened and that I was thinking of her. I didn’t expect an answer, but after about a week or so she sent me a long message about what had been happening. She did get a big scare after her operation and ended up in Intensive Care. We now have a tentative friendship again and contact each other now and again. Not sure how it will pan out, will just have to see. But am glad we are on speaking terms again, just don’t want to get too involved in her life like I was before.

You know gmelon, life balances itself. I was the youngest of 9, the oldest being about 30 years older than me. So, I was much loved and really spoilt. BUT my adult life hasn't been the best......married to a serial philanderer (now divorced). Three lovely children, 6 adorable grandchildren. Sadly, my daughter is divorced. One son married to a sweet, sweet girl, the other married to a girl who is not that sweet.
But that's life. Just like you, I'm doing ok. Hope your MS is not impinging on your quality of life. I knew someone who had MS, but lead a very normal life.
All good wishes gmelon

Clip round the ear sorely lacking. Not me smiling.

ajanela A clip round the ear! You made me smile at that.
Sorely lacking in life nowadays.

crazyH I've had a good life and still do. I have three wonderful sons and one son has bestowed four grandchildren upon me.

I was told by a friend what she said when she heard I had MS.
Her reaction?
She was annoyed that I'd spoiled the good health record of our family and her only comment "what about me will I be at risk too then".
I was past caring and started having less to do with people who insisted on telling me stuff about her or insisting "well you are sisters after all".

I remember being very sad about it when I was little. I assumed I'd done something wrong.
I played the Connie Francis 45 record "Little sister don't you cry" over and over when I was nine or ten and she was leaving home.

She was the one who lost out. She wanted a child but had none. She had no husband or partner. A brief marriage when she was eighteen, he adored her but in the end couldn't stomach her either.

You want to make contact with your sister as you still care about her. Ignore those awful comments about you doing so for your own benefit.

Who told you she was ill?

I like the idea of sending flowers or a plant with a note saying sorry she is ill and offering help but maybe flowers are not you and a letter seems more natural. Problem with a letter too many words that can be misinterpreted. Read and re read, discussed and ignored.

I also think her family will appreciate and be comforted by your trying to make contact.

After all she is your sister and you do have shared memories that others even her husband and children don't have.

For the people who had such awful sisters, I can understand your position. Never spoke to you, today people would say she needs counselling, then a clip round the ear.

Of all the sister stories here, I find gmelon's the strangest. Your older sister did not speak to you even when you were children. She did not speak to you "ever". What an awful childhood that must have been. I don't blame you for not caring a "jot" about her dying, considering you had no relationship with her.
You obviously are doing ok despite all that. Good for you !

My advice would be to do whatever your gut is telling you to do.
My own sister wrote me off more than 10 years ago,and it hurt initially but I can see why she did it. I was the only one from her childhood that she saw and given how difficult our childhoods were I can see that I maybe brought up memories for her which she would rather have kept in the cupboard.
We all have to do what's best for ourselves.
I'm not hurt anymore, just sad she couldn't get over our bad childhood.

My sister and I didn't speak for 25 yrs and then out of the blue I decided to write to her. We corresponded for a while and then met up. It was strange at first but now we're very good friends and meet up every week. Go on write that letter. You'll always be wondering what could have been otherwise. Worst that can happen is that she won't reply.

Gosh notanan I have counted 10 posts on this thread from you. Why ,oh why, do you feel so strongly that it isnt right to try and repair a rift between sisters?.

I dont. You missunderstand.
I think if a rift can be fixed that is wonderful. BOTH parties have to be able to do so. Its all a bit empty, one sided and disingenuous to do it now IMO. Its too late, if the OP genuinely wanted to fix the rift, she would have done it some time in the last 10 year when there was still some potential for a 2 way relationship.

IF contact is made now it needs to minimise the possible upset it could cause: there have been some good suggestions about how to do this.

The OP may feel better but the recipients and those around them may feel worse and question "why now?"

There is no "risk" to the OP but its really 50:50 as to whether the contact at the other end is welcomed or causes more upset for them at an already hard time.

If I was ill I would want the people who had been PART of my life prior to the run up contacting me, not people who said they had "no sister" for the 10 yrs prior, I just wouldnt have the energy to deal with it if I was already ill.

I’ve always wished I had a sister (I have two lovely SiLs who have known me most of my life so I’m lucky in that) and am sorry to hear of rifts like this. My brother (only sibling) hasn’t spoken to me for nearly twenty years and I have no idea why. I’ve tried on numerous occasions to heal the rift but he isn’t interested. And I certainly wouldn’t want him to turn up at my death bed!
But that’s not what OP is suggesting (nor will she be crawling out of the woodwork ...), she’s suggesting writing a letter. I think sending it via another family member who could test the water and see how the sister felt would be a good idea.
I’m really hoping that are able to make peace with your sister OP - surely that’s the best thing for all concerned?

I haven't spoken to my sister or brother for over 19 years now and don't have any intention of doing so. I did feel sad for my sister when her husband died recently as I have been a widow for 20 years and know how hard a loss it is but I didn't feel I should contact her about it. My son (who lives in the USA) is in touch with her and has been all the time and I would not stop that. I would not want to hear from her or from my brother if I were seriously ill/dying, it would, to be brutally honest, just annoy me.

Gosh notanan I have counted 10 posts on this thread from you. Why ,oh why, do you feel so strongly that it isnt right to try and repair a rift between sisters? I cannot understand your viewpoint at all.

Write to your sister,when people are really ill any kindness helps,otherwise the rest of your life you will be sorry and look back with regret.Try to think of good things that you did together as children,funny saying family said,places you lived etc.maybe send a photo then see what happens.It will be good for you both and she may have regrets too---------we choose our friends but we all have family life gives us,good luck.

I would definitely write. Life is too short for quarrels and estrangements with family, especially those we shared a childhood home with. I understand that serious illness can bring us up with a jolt - things can just drift in the ordinary course of things. Either one of you could have made the first move over the years, but neither did, so now you have a good opportunity to do so, if you wish it. I'd go with my gut feeling on this - do you still love your sister? Are you sorry you drifted apart? If so, please do write - if she rejects your overture, that is sad, but at least you won't be tormented by 'if only' and 'what if'. Someone has to make the first move. All the best to you both.

If it was me I would send a card saying I had heard she was ill. Write about some happy childhood memory. Say that if she would like you to visit, you would be pleased to & for her to let you know. The choice is hers, you have offered the olive branch.

Are you able to imagine that you have posted your letter?
How do you feel? Will you have new worries created by posting the letter?

If there is no reply how can you be sure the letter reached her?

Maybe a relation could relay a message.

I'm sorry but I can't offer you advice. It's such a personal situation. Very sad for all of you I think.
A dear friend of mine died this year. I heard last week her son died. His only sibling has refused to claim his body. This breaks my heart, for their mum, who would be very distressed by this.
I hope what ever decision you make is the right one for you ?

Sometimes its welcome sometimes it is not. Trouble is if you are ill you might not have the emotional strength to stick up for yourself, leaving your nearest and dearest in a difficult position re whether or not to object to contact that the ill person may not want.

If you write dont say anything you wouldnt mean if she was well. Dont say you regret the past/want a relationship if you are likely to fall back into old patterns with each other if she does pull through.

If you do write say something that would be true if she was well. Such as that you wish her well from a distance.

I think a short note saying how sad you feel to have heard of her illness. Perhaps reference to your regrets about the relationship, maybe something about a memory of happy times and then leave it. If she responds great, if she doesn’t, you can rest in the knowledge you have made an effort.

In your place I would write that letter and say I regretted the past.

If you don't, as like as not you will continue wondering if you should have written.

If she writes, phones or sends a message by a third party inviting you to come and see her, go. If you don't get and answer, at least you know you tried to heal the rift.

To those saying they wouldn’t want any contact with someone they had a fued with if they were on their deathbed, if you read Nurses accounts from those times ..
.......
Speak to a few nurses and you'll also hear that estranged relatives can cause the person's actual loved ones distress when they appear out of the woodwork at the worst possible time.

gmelon, in your circumstances there was no regret but Silverlady obviously regrets/recognises her behaviour in the rift so, for her, it seems like a letter is appropriate.
I don't understand how anybody can resent their siblings just because they were born but maybe that is why my resentment of one mine began when I was in my fifties!