Poor relationship with my daughter

Mark Twain quote: 'When I was a boy of 14 my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to 21 I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in 7 years,'

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teenagers are - or can be - emotional, rash and impulsive, headlong, lacking in experience, arrogant, rude, unthinking, partial and quick to challenge and argue. They look like young adults but behave like children at times.

As such, they need firm boundaries and protecting from their own behaviour. It is beholden on the adults charged with this protection to support each other for their sake.

Some mother daughter relationships take half a life time to become a pleasure to both, if ever. My eldest DD falls into this group With her younger sister I have never had much trouble and we always got on fine.

One thing you can't interfere with that family, and whatever you do don't take sides. Sometimes it helps to meet outside somehwere, have a lunch or visit a museum or adventure park or the cinema

I know I’m not supposed to say it but I didn’t have a problem with my daughter at all. Her poor health at times made me stressed out but her behaviour was very acceptable . Curfews were kept ( within 10 mins)... her homework was done ... she of course didn’t keep her room tidy OR help with chores very often .... but I can’t say I ever lost a nights sleep over her. We didn’t always see eye to eye over clothes or boyfriends.... but I held my tongue , after all you have to pick your battles! I think I must be very lucky in her and her younger brother.

Keep out of it. Your Grand daughter is the same age as mine, at a very awkward age. Your criticism in my opinion would be putting your daughter down. It wouldn't be fair on either of them to take sides.

Dottie60 Welcome to Gnet!
I'm sorry to hear about this, it is obviously very painful for you.
I had 3DDs and teenage years were up and down as is normal. It sounds as if there is more than the teenage stuff here and that your DD and DGD really clash, your DD perhaps, finding her daughter very irritating and being unable to control how she feels. This is not at all uncommon, for a parent to find a particular child gets under their skin, no matter what their age.
It is possible your DD vents a bit more when you are around because your presence makes her feel a bit safer. But it is more likely that she has got into a pattern, and is unaware of how critical she is of her daughter. Would it be possible to have a word with her? Start by commiserating about how tough it is to have teenage children today - it really is much harder than ever before; very expensive and very nerve-wracking regarding the friends they might have and where they go. Maybe your daughter needs a self-esteem boost and is unconsciously projecting things onto her daughter. I would build up your daughter, say how well she manages and you respect her as well as love her. Then very gently say you can understand how hard it is not to be critical and have very high standards regarding the children, especially these days, but you think your DGD is getting affected by her criticism and losing her self-esteem. The best results are always obtained by praise, tell her, and point out your DGD's good traits and give your DD credit for raising her.

I am truly glad I am not a mother of a teenager now. I couldn't afford the mobile phone bills for a start! But the anxiety about the world today, the problems facing young people, the difficulties to get jobs, the loans and debts for university, it all is so daunting and frightening.

Can you take your DGD out for a day or have her over for a weekend? I realise she might prefer to be with her friends, but it might give her and her mum a bit of a break if they are getting on top of each other? Maybe it could be a regular thing, if that is possible.
Wishing you much happiness and hoping all will come through well for everybody.

My reaction would be to always be a welcoming space for my granddaughter, and, without ever criticising her mother to her, provide love and support. I remember that I had trouble with my own kids when they were teens - I would have resented it bitterly if my mother or mother in law had said anything to me about it or sided with my boys against me, undermining me and worsening the tension.

My granddaughter and her Mum went through this at a similar age to your GD and it was upsetting for my son (her Dad) as well as me and my DH. She would have an argument with her Mum and then email or text me to ask if she could come and stay with us for a few days. Of course I always said I would have to discuss it with her parents first and she usually did come to us and the situation was defused - until the next time. We never, ever took sides. By the time she went to sixth form college things were much better between them; she is 20 now, away at university, and very close to her Mum so I would say what your DD is going through with her daughter is just a phase that hopefully won’t last long. We had two boys and never went through this stage with them and this is why it was so upsetting at the time. I’m sure it will pass.

Echo all others saying don’t take sides.

Be there for them both. Are you in a position to organise a day out for them? A treat? Spa day? Meal? Theatre? Shopping day out with lunch? Sometimes it’s just spending the time together that works.

That’s what I did with my teen dds.

My 3 DD were hideous at 15!! They are all lovely adults now. I really would not take sides! Teenagers(especially the girls!) are very,very difficult and you only get part of the picture (the part the teenager puts across!) I would offer love and support to both parties but do not take a side! As others have said that way disaster lies.

Welcome Dottie60. I look back on those long ago teenage years with my DD with a sinking feeling - they were hell, and nothing I did or said was right, but I had to keep ploughing on - and nagging! She was cold, sneering, argumentative and hell to live with - but it passed, and I hope it will too with your DD and DGD, A lot of good advice here so I can only add, love them both through this and don't EVER take sides - it is fatal!

What’s her relationship with her Father like?

In my experience teen daughters tend to closer to their fathers as they become more independent and find their own identity.

The Father can then observe and privately moderate the Mother's behaviour.

Don't take sides even if you're sure someone is wrong.

Smooth feathers if you can and don't take offence if either takes her frustration out on you. Just take a deep breath and let problems drift into history.

Persevere, things usually settle when dgd grows up and takes control of her own life.

Otherwise there is much good advice here.

I didn't have daughters and my granddaughters were both 2 hours away at that age so I don't have direct experience although I do know both girls were a bit of a nightmare to their mother at 15. I do however remember my youngest son and his father arguing all the time as a teenager. It was very difficult not to take sides which is what you must not do in this situation. As others have said unless you're with them 24/7 you don't know all the issues which lead to the arguments. As you say you don't have a good relationship with your daughter it would be easy to blame her for putting her daughter down but it would probably be best to just be there to listen to each of them without offering any opinions. Give them another couple of years and they will hopefully be the best of friends and you want to be able to say you helped them get there by staying on the sidelines.

This takes me back to my own daughters at 15..... a nightmare. I think it's all very normal.
I used to take solace in the idea that whilst we were shouting we were actually communicating! They will sort it out in time and hopefully become the best of friends. Just put your hard hat on meanwhile and be there to listen to either when they need it. Good luck.

Sorry! As you find now find yourself with your daughter.
Must take more water with it!

I can sympathise with you, my daughter went to live with my sister in law and her older cousin for over six months because she hated the way I tried to ensure her education was more important than boys and going out every night.
Going to a new school as her older cousin helped, but upset my husband, her brother and myself somewhat terrible. Fortunately, she woke up and came back into the fold. Got the Qualifications she need for Uni and changed back to being the close loving daughter we all loved. Today she has her own family and laugths because she has two boys and not the pain of a 15 year old daughter like she was to worry
about.

Show me a GN who hasn't walked in your shoes. All I can advise is that you remain neutral not take sides not easy but your daughter has the final word. Fifteen year olds will often think they know what is best and who does not love a listening ear what ever age. You admit you do not have a good relationship with D. How far does this go back? Lessons can be learned and surely you would not want to see GD in the position with her mother as you now find yourself with yours.

Your only hearing or seeing one side! You are not there 24/7 to see your granddaughter behaviour. No doubt she doesn't show that side of the average 15 year old in front of you.

Her mom (Your daughter) needs your support. Not you going against her.

As you said you don't have the best of relationships with her and that may overshadow what is really happening in your mind.

I am not saying either side is right or wrong. It's much easier being the grandparent than it is the parent. We know this to be true when we look back.

Today is still again very different to when ours were that age. Our eldest is 33 now and a dad. We have 4 altogether of 33, 31, 29 and 22 so I have observed the differences both ways at different stages with the age gap.

Whatever you do keep your mouth firmly shut and keep out of it. If your daughter sees you going up against her especially with her daughter around you will be adding to the drama.

The granddaughter will love it secretly and you will alienate your daughter more. How would you have felt if your parents had spoken out against you?

If you must speak out do it to your daughter on her own. Ask her "How she is as you have noticed her stressed and struggling with her daughter recently and you remember how hard it can be" Ask her if there is any way you can help. Dont be seen to be judging

Your daughter will no doubt be working, keeping a home running and all the rest that comes with the pressures of today we didn't have.

Good luck and I hope this helps

When I was 15 until I had my daughter at 20 my mum and I always argued!

I was sure I was right all the time, didn't feel she "understood me".

It's part of the relationship and growing up.

You have my empathy as it is a difficult situation for all concerned. Like others have said sometimes the best option is to keep your own counsel.

However, in your post you say your GD "Feels that her mum, you DD, is going our of her way to Put Down your DGD."

So for your own peace of mind I would suggest that you step back and Listen - really Listen to what your DD is saying to your DGD.

In situations like this, especially with teenagers, "Feelings" run high. If you stop and "Listen" you will be better placed to "Think" calmly if your DD really is "Putting your GD Down".

If there really is "Put Downs" coming from your DD then IF, and I do stress IF, you feel you want to address the way your DD is putting across her point to your GD you need to consider how you will approach that conversation with your DD.

I would suggest you ask yourself some questions about what your DD is saying to your GD.

Questions such as :- Does your DD have a real and valid point to make within what she is saying to your GD?

Is your GD correct that her Mum is just "Putting her Down" ?

If your DD has got good reason for what she is saying to your GD is she getting her point across in the best way?

Can you suggest a better way of making the point so your DD and GD can find a better way of communicating?

Is your GD's behaviour in need of guidance/adjustment from her Mum?

If so can you back your DD up by breaking it down and explaining things to your GD?

If your GD is correct and your DD is "just" nagging/putting your GD down you might want to "Listen" to "What" is being said - what is the real message within the words your DD is using - than ask yourself what is behind those words.

Ask yourself -with your knowledge of your DD life - what stress, dis-stress, fear, care, anger, hurt might be behind your DD approach to your GD.

Then "Think" very, very carefully what you do with what you have learned. Not only about the "What" you do but think very carefully about "How" you approach both your GD and your DD - IF you do anything at all.

What I encourage you to do is to get "Feelings" out of the situation for a while and let "Thinking" and "Listening" in. You can bring calm, balance, reason to the relationship between your DD and your GD.

Once you have a clearer understanding of "Where" each of them have a valid point and you have a better insight into "How" those points are getting lost in the "Emotions" of the situation you may feel more balanced yourself and once you are clearer you will have a lot more to offer.

It's not that "Feelings" aren't valid because they are. And teenagers, Bless 'Em, have lots and lots of "Feelings" and haven't learned to balance those 'Feelings" with "Thinking".

Sometimes it's wise to step back from "Feelings" and put some "Thinking" into the situation in order to sort out what's important and then hurt "Feelings" can be appropriately addressed.

I wish you a successful outcome for all of you in this difficult situation and I hope you find some peace for yourself in your concerns.

That should be "spoken to" not spiked!!! Btw my granddaughter is the same age as yours.

I have exactly the same problem! It almost looks like my daughter hates my granddaughter at times- it's awful to see and to hear the way she talks to her! We try and keep out of it, but give our granddaughter all the love she needs when she's with us and to show our granddaughter that she is loved very much. It's dreadful they way our granddaughter is spiked to by our daughter but she's always been like it. Just let your granddaughter know she is loved and she will respond like ours has with love towards us when we're together.

Age old problem, I can still remember being horrible to my mum at 15! At nearly 70! Poignant today as I lost my beloved Mum 18 years ago today. Having raised daughters and with a 15 year old granddaughter I see the same with Mum and daughter. Usually just a phase - sometimes lasts a bit too long - but it’s amazing how much teenagers think their parents have learned by the time THEY reach 21! Stay strong for them both and neutral. Think of all the changes girls are experiencing at this age.