Poor relationship with my daughter

A sad situation but it sounds to me as though your daughter is stressed out about something. You don't speak of a husband/partner ?
Ask your daughter if she has any problems/worries about anything that you'd be willing to support her if you knew what was troubling her. There's usually nothing that can't be resolved one way or the other. You're all going to be ill.

Oh Dottie- mothers and daughters eh? This is an age old problem. I have it with mine and she has it with hers ?Actually, my granddaughter is the same age as yours - 15. Does your daughter have a partner. My daughter is divorced...her ex is a waste of space. Got some woman pregnant etc etc.
Advice.....just be there for your daughter and granddaughter...give them love and support. That's all you can do right now.

Isn't it normal for 15 year old girls to have mother problems.they dont like being told what to do at that age and if I remember correctly they really need a lot of guidance so "nagging" is the order of most days
.My daughter was a nightmare at that age and it took a good couple of years for her to grow out of it.
Try to get her to see that her mum is very likely worried about her and its a good thing that a parent loves her and wants to keep her safe,THEN tell your daughter to try to remember what being 15 was like and hopefully they'll find common ground.
You shouldn't get involved in the arguements or decisions ,just be there as a shoulder to lean on for both.

Mothers and 15 year old daughters!!! Nightmare stuff. Try to be a supportive listening ear for both without taking sides. Unbelievably, most truly ghastly 15 year old girls grow into perfectly reasonable adults -eventually. From one who knows. Sigh.

I'd stay right out of it. At 15 , girls and boys can be utterly painful - you only see the nagging going on but your daughter is the one dealing with all the day-to-day problems.

All you can do is to be a listening ear to BOTH of them, not just your granddaughter. The worst thing you can do is to take sides / let your granddaughter know you are disapproving of her mother. There lies very rocky ground and you could end up with "no contact". Tread very lightly or you can lose them both.

I remember this scenario so well, as others have said keep your own counsel Dottie try to support them both without taking sides. I reminded my daughter what she was like at the same age, offer advice only if asked.

I had 3 teenage DDs on the go at one time - I lived to tell the tale!!

It’s hard to comment if you’ve had past issues with your daughter, so only you know how far you can go without doing further damage. I have always had a fractious relationship with my Mum, so I always turned to my Nan (her Mum) for advice etc and we were very close, which my mum resented. Are you able to say to your daughter that it hurts you to see them arguing so much ? If not, as others say, just be supportive to each one individually.

It's good to hear that you care about their relationship.
When I was going through something similar as a mum, I found my DMs words of wisdom very comforting.
She would remind me how my brother had been as a teenager and look at him now! A respectable middle aged man with responsibilities. Here I was battling with an unreasonable teen at the time
Their DGran loved them even when I found it hard.
I hope you find a way through.
Most of us survive luckily.
Welcome to GN by the way.

dont take sides but support both of them

Age old problem, I can still remember being horrible to my mum at 15! At nearly 70! Poignant today as I lost my beloved Mum 18 years ago today. Having raised daughters and with a 15 year old granddaughter I see the same with Mum and daughter. Usually just a phase - sometimes lasts a bit too long - but it’s amazing how much teenagers think their parents have learned by the time THEY reach 21! Stay strong for them both and neutral. Think of all the changes girls are experiencing at this age.

I have exactly the same problem! It almost looks like my daughter hates my granddaughter at times- it's awful to see and to hear the way she talks to her! We try and keep out of it, but give our granddaughter all the love she needs when she's with us and to show our granddaughter that she is loved very much. It's dreadful they way our granddaughter is spiked to by our daughter but she's always been like it. Just let your granddaughter know she is loved and she will respond like ours has with love towards us when we're together.

That should be "spoken to" not spiked!!! Btw my granddaughter is the same age as yours.

You have my empathy as it is a difficult situation for all concerned. Like others have said sometimes the best option is to keep your own counsel.

However, in your post you say your GD "Feels that her mum, you DD, is going our of her way to Put Down your DGD."

So for your own peace of mind I would suggest that you step back and Listen - really Listen to what your DD is saying to your DGD.

In situations like this, especially with teenagers, "Feelings" run high. If you stop and "Listen" you will be better placed to "Think" calmly if your DD really is "Putting your GD Down".

If there really is "Put Downs" coming from your DD then IF, and I do stress IF, you feel you want to address the way your DD is putting across her point to your GD you need to consider how you will approach that conversation with your DD.

I would suggest you ask yourself some questions about what your DD is saying to your GD.

Questions such as :- Does your DD have a real and valid point to make within what she is saying to your GD?

Is your GD correct that her Mum is just "Putting her Down" ?

If your DD has got good reason for what she is saying to your GD is she getting her point across in the best way?

Can you suggest a better way of making the point so your DD and GD can find a better way of communicating?

Is your GD's behaviour in need of guidance/adjustment from her Mum?

If so can you back your DD up by breaking it down and explaining things to your GD?

If your GD is correct and your DD is "just" nagging/putting your GD down you might want to "Listen" to "What" is being said - what is the real message within the words your DD is using - than ask yourself what is behind those words.

Ask yourself -with your knowledge of your DD life - what stress, dis-stress, fear, care, anger, hurt might be behind your DD approach to your GD.

Then "Think" very, very carefully what you do with what you have learned. Not only about the "What" you do but think very carefully about "How" you approach both your GD and your DD - IF you do anything at all.

What I encourage you to do is to get "Feelings" out of the situation for a while and let "Thinking" and "Listening" in. You can bring calm, balance, reason to the relationship between your DD and your GD.

Once you have a clearer understanding of "Where" each of them have a valid point and you have a better insight into "How" those points are getting lost in the "Emotions" of the situation you may feel more balanced yourself and once you are clearer you will have a lot more to offer.

It's not that "Feelings" aren't valid because they are. And teenagers, Bless 'Em, have lots and lots of "Feelings" and haven't learned to balance those 'Feelings" with "Thinking".

Sometimes it's wise to step back from "Feelings" and put some "Thinking" into the situation in order to sort out what's important and then hurt "Feelings" can be appropriately addressed.

I wish you a successful outcome for all of you in this difficult situation and I hope you find some peace for yourself in your concerns.

When I was 15 until I had my daughter at 20 my mum and I always argued!

I was sure I was right all the time, didn't feel she "understood me".

It's part of the relationship and growing up.

Your only hearing or seeing one side! You are not there 24/7 to see your granddaughter behaviour. No doubt she doesn't show that side of the average 15 year old in front of you.

Her mom (Your daughter) needs your support. Not you going against her.

As you said you don't have the best of relationships with her and that may overshadow what is really happening in your mind.

I am not saying either side is right or wrong. It's much easier being the grandparent than it is the parent. We know this to be true when we look back.

Today is still again very different to when ours were that age. Our eldest is 33 now and a dad. We have 4 altogether of 33, 31, 29 and 22 so I have observed the differences both ways at different stages with the age gap.

Whatever you do keep your mouth firmly shut and keep out of it. If your daughter sees you going up against her especially with her daughter around you will be adding to the drama.

The granddaughter will love it secretly and you will alienate your daughter more. How would you have felt if your parents had spoken out against you?

If you must speak out do it to your daughter on her own. Ask her "How she is as you have noticed her stressed and struggling with her daughter recently and you remember how hard it can be" Ask her if there is any way you can help. Dont be seen to be judging

Your daughter will no doubt be working, keeping a home running and all the rest that comes with the pressures of today we didn't have.

Good luck and I hope this helps

Show me a GN who hasn't walked in your shoes. All I can advise is that you remain neutral not take sides not easy but your daughter has the final word. Fifteen year olds will often think they know what is best and who does not love a listening ear what ever age. You admit you do not have a good relationship with D. How far does this go back? Lessons can be learned and surely you would not want to see GD in the position with her mother as you now find yourself with yours.

I can sympathise with you, my daughter went to live with my sister in law and her older cousin for over six months because she hated the way I tried to ensure her education was more important than boys and going out every night.
Going to a new school as her older cousin helped, but upset my husband, her brother and myself somewhat terrible. Fortunately, she woke up and came back into the fold. Got the Qualifications she need for Uni and changed back to being the close loving daughter we all loved. Today she has her own family and laugths because she has two boys and not the pain of a 15 year old daughter like she was to worry
about.

Sorry! As you find now find yourself with your daughter.
Must take more water with it!

This takes me back to my own daughters at 15..... a nightmare. I think it's all very normal.
I used to take solace in the idea that whilst we were shouting we were actually communicating! They will sort it out in time and hopefully become the best of friends. Just put your hard hat on meanwhile and be there to listen to either when they need it. Good luck.

I didn't have daughters and my granddaughters were both 2 hours away at that age so I don't have direct experience although I do know both girls were a bit of a nightmare to their mother at 15. I do however remember my youngest son and his father arguing all the time as a teenager. It was very difficult not to take sides which is what you must not do in this situation. As others have said unless you're with them 24/7 you don't know all the issues which lead to the arguments. As you say you don't have a good relationship with your daughter it would be easy to blame her for putting her daughter down but it would probably be best to just be there to listen to each of them without offering any opinions. Give them another couple of years and they will hopefully be the best of friends and you want to be able to say you helped them get there by staying on the sidelines.

Don't take sides even if you're sure someone is wrong.

Smooth feathers if you can and don't take offence if either takes her frustration out on you. Just take a deep breath and let problems drift into history.

Persevere, things usually settle when dgd grows up and takes control of her own life.

Otherwise there is much good advice here.

What’s her relationship with her Father like?

In my experience teen daughters tend to closer to their fathers as they become more independent and find their own identity.

The Father can then observe and privately moderate the Mother's behaviour.

Welcome Dottie60. I look back on those long ago teenage years with my DD with a sinking feeling - they were hell, and nothing I did or said was right, but I had to keep ploughing on - and nagging! She was cold, sneering, argumentative and hell to live with - but it passed, and I hope it will too with your DD and DGD, A lot of good advice here so I can only add, love them both through this and don't EVER take sides - it is fatal!