Need advice on what to do now

My children's father was also a serial womaniser. But none of them have any contact with him only with the children of his second marriage. But you're right. They're adults. But don't be too hard on yourself. Being in a situation is far more difficult than talking about it after and think about what you could or should have done. You did what you did in those circumstances. My mother made a bad situation so much worse because she hated their father and tried to denigrate him in front of the children so I had to have really strong words. She thought she was the matriarch in our family and we all had to bow to her. Horrible times.

I mention it in passing and usually the subject is brought up at family gettogethers - We try to joke about it....I don't go out of my way to bring up the past because it is their father after all. And at times, I feel , if I was a better wife he wouldn't have strayed. They are adults now and I feel they can make their own judgements now. I think we have a fairly good relationship except that, funnily enough, one d.i.l. doesn't particularly like me. I wonder if she has heard stories....hmmmm, I wonder. She is close friends with my ex husbands wife.

Life can make you do things you regret. But really although sometimes it's really difficult it's ourselves that we have to forgive. I hope you don't worry. Your children should understand. Sometimes though they don't get passed it. Have you explained things to them.

I'm so glad you have forgiven her. I feel I was the opposite of your mother. I think I gave my children a hard time when they were young. Their father was a serial philanderer .....I took out my frustrations on the children.....it was so wrong. I'm sure they remember it and sometimes remind me . But now that they are adults, they understand, at least I hope they understand.

CrazyH. It is now 20 years since she died. And yes it was complicated. Lots of stuff went on. But in my heart of hearts I have forgiven her and hope that she is in a happier place.

So, so sad, wellingtonpie.....sad all round. I don't know how and why the relationship got so complicated. I don't wish to sound patronising but could you not have found it in your heart, in the end to forgive her, just for old times' sake - you say she was a good mother when you were young. I'm surprised she never had friends either.

I know Smileless. Believe me, I was and still am so sad about that, especially when I hear Perry Como sing "And I love you so " which was a song she loved. But it was as it was. A complicated relationship in many ways. She was a good mum when u was small but very controlling as an adult. But the saddest thing is that she died entirely on her own. She had embittered my sister and She had no friends. I swear on my life I'd never let that happen with my own children if I could possibly help it. I know too that some things ju are beyond our control, and events take over. Thank you for your concern.

A lot of posters seem to have missed what Nanagem said in her first post about her anxiety and having not left the house since January apart from 3 medical appointments. Possibly her son thought that by not coming to visit her, he would induce her to leave the house to visit him and family.

Many people (me included) have difficulty understanding other’s real fear and anxiety and perhaps that is at the root of the problem.

We have a similar problem with our DIL, which is further hampered because we live in France. But I fell for you, it is a very difficult and upsetting situation in which, and others, find themselves. In our case, we have simply no idea what we have done to upset her and are loathe to ask as it might make the situation worse. The old adage "least said soonest mended" comes to mind. Hope you resolve your troubles.
Greetings from sunny France to everyone

Excellent advice LuckyFour, I totally agree.

Do try to get your DH to change his mind and both of you go to see your DS and family. Let them know when you are coming, smile a lot, perhaps take flowers, say how nice everything looks, don't stay too long. Invite them back on a specific day and time, don't be vague.
No recriminations, under no circumstances allow any disagreements to occur. Try to make sure you all have a nice time. Don't talk about your health, pretend it's under control if asked.

Oh that's terribly sad wellingtonpie.

Oh dear. How awful for you Nanagem. You have my sympathy. I couldn't bear it if my children or grandchildren were estranged from me. I was in this situation with my own mother but it was her choice. She wouldn't communicate with me or her only 3 little granddaughters after they went to see their granddad (my dad) for a weeks holiday.
She died 10 years later and that was that. But how sad. I hope your son comes round. Very sad.

Just turn up, grit your teeth & make the best of it. You may find this opens the doors and things are better. If not, you have tried. No point in imagining what is going on, or whether your dil is responsible, it will just make you confused & resentful. Go, put a brave face on & see your son. Your other children are perhaps too young to understand your feelings.
I'm not being unsympathetic, I really feel for you and understand the hurt but the only way through is to take action. Your son may be relieved that you have turned up. Don't expect other people to sort it out. No rows, no recriminations, just smile! All the very best of luck. I really hope things improve for you all. Far from easy but well worth it try xx

Apologies for typos...who/couple/of/of

Nanagem
What an unhappy situation.
If you have 2 ACs living at home, whi both drive, would they drive you there, while away a couole if hours in the nearest shopping area and pick you up later. After all, I'm sure that you're doing all sorts of things for them at home and I bet they're not paying you much (if they're of working age)
Their brother chose to stand on his own two feet, something his siblings are not doing so for them to remark that he chose to move away is silly. He needs somewhere larger for his growing family.
I wonder why your DH was 'funny' about the recent news of a new baby, after all, he's not being asked to contribute anything time or money-wise.
Could you perhaps ask Age Concern if they know if anyone who could help with transport. Of course, you would need to pay a small sum for petrol which is to be expected.
Failing that, a taxi to your station and perhaps your son could pick you up from there. Rail companies have assistants to help those who have difficulty walking or carrying bags. You'd need to mention this when buying your ticket, meanwhile, do let your son know that you're making every effort to see him.
I wish you lots of luck and a happy visit.

newnanny

It is not the place of the other children to get involved in the estrangement.

My sister and BIL have chosen to estrange themselves from our parents and extended family.

This is not the first time they did this. They did it once before and later reconciled.

The last time it happened I was piggy in the middle and privy to BOTH sides. This time I said I'm not getting involved. It's too hard.

Adults can sort out their own issues. It's not appropriate for a family member (ESPECIALLY another child) to get involved. Not their concern.

Sorry about your situation. Do you think your ds by texting you on way to work is contacting you without the knowledge of his gf? I would tell one of your other children how unhappy this rift is making you and you don't care how it started or whose fault it was you want it healed. Ask them to please drive you to meet son but I would ask him to confirm you will be made welcome if you come and suggest meeting at venue eg zoo not their house to begin with. Don't let grumpy dh stop or ruin this chance to heel lift. If he wants to sulk, leave him at home. Tell your son, you want a fresh start a d no harping back to past. Try to be nice to gf too.

I think you are a bit in limbo which is very difficult Nangem. Your son is giving quite confusing messages, it seems to me. But you don't really have much to lose....in your shoes, I think I would start planning a visit...someone to drive you, a couple of options about the date, and talk to your son about it in a matter of fact way. Then the ball is in his court, he either confirms a date, or puts you off. It it is the latter, then you know more clearly where you stand. It would be tough, but you can't keep going round in circles in your mind. It almost goes without saying to keep your expectations low. And at the same time, don't lose hope that this situation will one day improve. By the way, there is a support group I know of, for parents of estranged adult children, it might help. Wishing you all the very best with this. Take care.

Why did your husband behave like he did . Is he the reason for the breakdown of relations in the first place?
I think I would be tearing a strip off of him for trying to sabotage any improvements in the mother / son relationship.
Take the olive branch offered but go without the disruptive husband to start off with.

Son is offering some contact. Take it. Send messages, pix of daft things, anything, to keep conversation open. Keep it light. Your husband doesn’t help being a bit grumpy about it all. So do it just between the two of you for now.
I’m a bit part player in opposite dynamic. Ex-friend has fallen out with daughter, who stays with me occasionally. It’s so painful to witness. Take any steps you can to at least talk a little until you can build a stronger bridge. Good luck!

Do you have any idea what is behind all this Nanagem? I am in a similar situation in that I have not seen my daughter for over a year, so you have my fullest sympathy. Do you think that they want to have a relationship with you?

I wish you all the best....I hope the visit turns out well for you all. Men tend to be more stubborn, I don't see one set of grandkids often, due to a vicious d.i.l, but they recognise me straightaway, at least the 4 year old does, but the baby is still unsure...

I agree with other posters, see this as an olive branch and go to see your family. Put aside the past and try to move on. Jalima is right, don't let stubbornness spoil things.
Talk to your husband and try to get him to see your point. I hope you manage to work this out, good luck.

I know it is a long time since you have been out but after the invitation to visit from your son you really have to find some way to go and see them all, is there any other relation or friend who could help out with driving you. Has the fiancee actually said she doesn't want you to visit? or is she just very busy with baby ad possibly work.