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Need advice on what to do now

(32 Posts)
Nanagem Fri 02-Nov-18 13:37:34

I am in desperate need of advice , and really have no one to ask.

Those that have read previous posts know that the last time I saw my son, his fiancée and GD, then aged 3 months, was last Boxing Day. I don’t know why, but they haven’t been near since. I have mobility problems and suffer from anxiety. Apart from 2 dentist and a a doctors appointment, I haven’t left the house since the end of January. My son knows all my problems, but kept saying if I wanted to see them I had to go to their second storey flat.

Anyway, situation now is, they have moved to a house, 2 hours drive away. This was in August, I have sent the occasional text message, and he sometimes replies, he told me a week before the move. I sent another text a few days later asking about the house and could I have an address to send flowers etc, no reply. I sent the odd message, upbeat, asking how they are and giving family gossip, he sometimes replied in like.

Then two weeks ago he contacted me on FaceTime out of the blue !and we had a nice chat, his dad was with me, and it was lovely. Then he said the reason he had phoned was because they were due another child in the new year and as his fiancée had put it on Facebook, he didn’t want me to hear from someone else. We were shocked, but said the right things, though my husband was still a little short with him.

He said we would be welcome to visit, he would let me have the address when I arranged a date, DH muttered something about thinking on it, and the call ended.

Since then nothing, I sent a message saying we were pleased to hear from him, and glad with the news and that he is happy and well, no reply. He doesn’t answer any calls, not since last Christmas, it’s only text, normally in the morning when he is on his way to work I think, the time he has read it comes up under the message, it can take days for him to open a message. I have tried to get DH to take me, but he says “he doesn’t want to go where he isn’t wanted, the fiancée has made it clear she doesn’t want us, and our GD doesn’t even know us.” He also feels that I will get stressed about it, and then get upset when my beloved GD doesn’t recognise us, I suppose he’s right on that. My other children, both drive, and live at home, when I mentioned their brother they say he’s gone by his own choice, if he wants to see them , he can come here.

What do I do, what do I say to my son.

Teetime Fri 02-Nov-18 14:15:24

nanagem I am so sorry - how terribly sad for you. I dont have anything to say other than my sympathy but there are lots of Gransnetters who are experiencing similar situations who I feel sure will be able to share their advice with you. I do hope you can see them soon. xx

Maggiemaybe Fri 02-Nov-18 14:22:16

I've no experience of your situation either, Nanagem, but hope that others come along who can advise you, as Teetime says. What an awful situation you're in.

For what it's worth, I think you need to see your son and his family. He has told you you'd be welcome and it looks as though this is the only way you'll find out their address, so that you can keep in closer touch. Surely your DH or one of your other children would drive you there, even if they chose not to go in? Best wishes to you. flowers

DoraMarr Fri 02-Nov-18 14:39:35

I agree with Maggie- your son has offered an olive branch, so accept it. Can you get there on your own? Don’t worry about your grandchild not recognising you, she was so little when you last saw her she won’t have a memory of you anyway. Perhaps this will be a new chapter in your family life, and you will be closer to your son, daughter in law and grandchildren. Don’t listen to others, follow your heart.

Smileless2012 Fri 02-Nov-18 14:53:36

NangemflowersI want to begin by telling you how sorry I am. I remember your other posts and it's very sad to learn that there's been little improvement.

Please show this to your husband because as a mother who has been estranged from her youngest son for 6 years, has never seen her youngest GC and hasn't seen the eldest since he was 8 months, don't let this opportunity, as small as it may seem, pass you by.

I don't doubt it will be upsetting to see your GD and know that she doesn't know you're her GP's; we'd feel the same. As long as you're aware this will be the case, and you appear to be, it wont come as a complete surprise.

Despite your d.i.l., your son has told you about the new baby and asked you to visit. It was our DS who told us our ES was to become a father for a second time.

I totally understand your H not going where he's not wanted but please try to arrange a visit and go. If it doesn't work out which I hope and pray wont be the case, you tried.

Although I don't think it would be a good idea to do this, the alternative could be that your H drops you off and then picks you up when the visit is over. I do think that if he did this, it could make the situation worse but at least you'd be able to go.

I hope you can work something out.

Jalima1108 Fri 02-Nov-18 15:39:54

I do hope that your DH will take you, even if he makes an excuse not to go in himself, although it would be lovely if he could just pop in to see his grandchild.
Now your son has tentatively offered a first step, I hope you and your DH will take it, with a smile and no recriminations.


Jalima1108 Fri 02-Nov-18 15:41:21

when I mentioned their brother they say he’s gone by his own choice, if he wants to see them , he can come here.

sometimes stubbornness gets in the way of good family relationships. sad

luluaugust Fri 02-Nov-18 16:57:15

I know it is a long time since you have been out but after the invitation to visit from your son you really have to find some way to go and see them all, is there any other relation or friend who could help out with driving you. Has the fiancee actually said she doesn't want you to visit? or is she just very busy with baby ad possibly work.

sodapop Fri 02-Nov-18 17:09:06

I agree with other posters, see this as an olive branch and go to see your family. Put aside the past and try to move on. Jalima is right, don't let stubbornness spoil things.
Talk to your husband and try to get him to see your point. I hope you manage to work this out, good luck.

crazyH Fri 02-Nov-18 17:29:05

I wish you all the best....I hope the visit turns out well for you all. Men tend to be more stubborn, I don't see one set of grandkids often, due to a vicious d.i.l, but they recognise me straightaway, at least the 4 year old does, but the baby is still unsure...

Dolcelatte Fri 02-Nov-18 18:02:24

Do you have any idea what is behind all this Nanagem? I am in a similar situation in that I have not seen my daughter for over a year, so you have my fullest sympathy. Do you think that they want to have a relationship with you?

Shizam Sat 03-Nov-18 21:20:06

Son is offering some contact. Take it. Send messages, pix of daft things, anything, to keep conversation open. Keep it light. Your husband doesn’t help being a bit grumpy about it all. So do it just between the two of you for now.
I’m a bit part player in opposite dynamic. Ex-friend has fallen out with daughter, who stays with me occasionally. It’s so painful to witness. Take any steps you can to at least talk a little until you can build a stronger bridge. Good luck!

Nanabilly Sat 03-Nov-18 22:40:08

Why did your husband behave like he did . Is he the reason for the breakdown of relations in the first place?
I think I would be tearing a strip off of him for trying to sabotage any improvements in the mother / son relationship.
Take the olive branch offered but go without the disruptive husband to start off with.

Sandigold Sat 03-Nov-18 23:37:55

I think you are a bit in limbo which is very difficult Nangem. Your son is giving quite confusing messages, it seems to me. But you don't really have much to your shoes, I think I would start planning a visit...someone to drive you, a couple of options about the date, and talk to your son about it in a matter of fact way. Then the ball is in his court, he either confirms a date, or puts you off. It it is the latter, then you know more clearly where you stand. It would be tough, but you can't keep going round in circles in your mind. It almost goes without saying to keep your expectations low. And at the same time, don't lose hope that this situation will one day improve. By the way, there is a support group I know of, for parents of estranged adult children, it might help. Wishing you all the very best with this. Take care.

newnanny Sun 04-Nov-18 00:24:53

Sorry about your situation. Do you think your ds by texting you on way to work is contacting you without the knowledge of his gf? I would tell one of your other children how unhappy this rift is making you and you don't care how it started or whose fault it was you want it healed. Ask them to please drive you to meet son but I would ask him to confirm you will be made welcome if you come and suggest meeting at venue eg zoo not their house to begin with. Don't let grumpy dh stop or ruin this chance to heel lift. If he wants to sulk, leave him at home. Tell your son, you want a fresh start a d no harping back to past. Try to be nice to gf too.

agnurse Sun 04-Nov-18 02:09:47


It is not the place of the other children to get involved in the estrangement.

My sister and BIL have chosen to estrange themselves from our parents and extended family.

This is not the first time they did this. They did it once before and later reconciled.

The last time it happened I was piggy in the middle and privy to BOTH sides. This time I said I'm not getting involved. It's too hard.

Adults can sort out their own issues. It's not appropriate for a family member (ESPECIALLY another child) to get involved. Not their concern.

GabriellaG Sun 04-Nov-18 06:45:44

What an unhappy situation.
If you have 2 ACs living at home, whi both drive, would they drive you there, while away a couole if hours in the nearest shopping area and pick you up later. After all, I'm sure that you're doing all sorts of things for them at home and I bet they're not paying you much (if they're of working age)
Their brother chose to stand on his own two feet, something his siblings are not doing so for them to remark that he chose to move away is silly. He needs somewhere larger for his growing family.
I wonder why your DH was 'funny' about the recent news of a new baby, after all, he's not being asked to contribute anything time or money-wise.
Could you perhaps ask Age Concern if they know if anyone who could help with transport. Of course, you would need to pay a small sum for petrol which is to be expected.
Failing that, a taxi to your station and perhaps your son could pick you up from there. Rail companies have assistants to help those who have difficulty walking or carrying bags. You'd need to mention this when buying your ticket, meanwhile, do let your son know that you're making every effort to see him.
I wish you lots of luck and a happy visit. shamrockgrin

GabriellaG Sun 04-Nov-18 06:48:58

Apologies for typos...who/couple/of/of blush

Mully Sun 04-Nov-18 07:32:58

Just turn up, grit your teeth & make the best of it. You may find this opens the doors and things are better. If not, you have tried. No point in imagining what is going on, or whether your dil is responsible, it will just make you confused & resentful. Go, put a brave face on & see your son. Your other children are perhaps too young to understand your feelings.
I'm not being unsympathetic, I really feel for you and understand the hurt but the only way through is to take action. Your son may be relieved that you have turned up. Don't expect other people to sort it out. No rows, no recriminations, just smile! All the very best of luck. I really hope things improve for you all. Far from easy but well worth it try xx

wellingtonpie Sun 04-Nov-18 08:31:06

Oh dear. How awful for you Nanagem. You have my sympathy. I couldn't bear it if my children or grandchildren were estranged from me. I was in this situation with my own mother but it was her choice. She wouldn't communicate with me or her only 3 little granddaughters after they went to see their granddad (my dad) for a weeks holiday.
She died 10 years later and that was that. But how sad. I hope your son comes round. Very sad.

Smileless2012 Sun 04-Nov-18 09:02:28

Oh that's terribly sad wellingtonpieflowers.

LuckyFour Sun 04-Nov-18 09:56:21

Do try to get your DH to change his mind and both of you go to see your DS and family. Let them know when you are coming, smile a lot, perhaps take flowers, say how nice everything looks, don't stay too long. Invite them back on a specific day and time, don't be vague.
No recriminations, under no circumstances allow any disagreements to occur. Try to make sure you all have a nice time. Don't talk about your health, pretend it's under control if asked.

Direne3 Sun 04-Nov-18 11:02:06

Excellent advice LuckyFour, I totally agree.

evianers Sun 04-Nov-18 11:13:49

We have a similar problem with our DIL, which is further hampered because we live in France. But I fell for you, it is a very difficult and upsetting situation in which, and others, find themselves. In our case, we have simply no idea what we have done to upset her and are loathe to ask as it might make the situation worse. The old adage "least said soonest mended" comes to mind. Hope you resolve your troubles.
Greetings from sunny France to everyone

Farmor15 Sun 04-Nov-18 12:46:05

A lot of posters seem to have missed what Nanagem said in her first post about her anxiety and having not left the house since January apart from 3 medical appointments. Possibly her son thought that by not coming to visit her, he would induce her to leave the house to visit him and family.

Many people (me included) have difficulty understanding other’s real fear and anxiety and perhaps that is at the root of the problem.