I hate my sons partner and have just found out she is pregnant again anybody else in this situation

Oh for pity's sake! Not another one.
My thoughts too Iam64

It works both ways especially when your DD is/was married to s scheming manipulative narcissist.

*Quote: "Whether or not you like her, the fact remains that she is your son's partner. Any children that they have together are your grandchildren.
If you want to have a relationship with your grandchildren, you need to at least be civil toward her. You don't have to like her. You just have to show her courtesy and decency."end Quote*

Spot on really - Good advice agnurse

Having said that I can see from your further information, that this is very hard!! Venting on here hopefully will help. Deb1987

Your son has chosen his life and his partner he’s still with her (the child’s 7 so they ve been togethe4 at least 8 years) and still obviously having sex (hence a new oregnancy) so obviously they are staying together and it’s none of your business whether you like her or not
Interesting phrase She became pregnant when my son was in his 1st year of uni Did she do it all by herself then ?

Keep our of it it’s not your business or your problem
To say you hate someone is nasty and strongly toxic probably says more about you than the daughter in law

Judgemental doesn't begin to describe the OP's view of her daughter in law. Why on earth would a young woman move in with her mother in law, rather than get her own accommodation. Even if that accommodation was god forbid a "council flat".
It isn't just that your son "had sex" op, it's that your son is in a long term relationship with this young woman. It takes two to "have sex" and two to make a baby. I'd suggest you look at your own attitudes. It's unusual for me to be so negative and direct but I'm shocked by your attitudes. In fact I wonder if this is a genuine post.

I have no advice as I did everything I could year on year to get along with one DIL. Helped with the children as much as I could, supported DIL and son in every way I could.

She made it more and more uncomfortable for me to see them all and after reading what she had written about me on her facebook page I no longer see her. It was such a shock.

She had a problem with me from day one, despite me trying all ways to show there is no competition, that I liked her....wanting my son all to herself and she now has that. I have no idea why she has been like she has, why she has taken against me and hurt me so deeply. I liked her. I do not like her now.

My other DIL is a lovely person, no agendas, no simmering resentment. We just both love my son and the gorgeous children/grandchildren.

I really feel for you I was in similar situation 10'years ago when my sons partner became pregnant only the day before he had been saying he didn't want kids and that just made her more determined the whole family could see what was going to happen. 10'years on I just muddle through and lead our own lives and visit once a fortnight paid for a wedding last year and love my grandchildren with all my heart,hey hi go with the flow . I don't cry anymore don't get upset just get through each drama as it arrives. Good luck .

More details have helped us see the picture more completely, however Monica gives very good advice.
Try to concentrate on your own life and work. Continue with the help and support you have always offered. Try to remain in contact with your grandson and the new baby when it arrives. Leave them to get on with their lives and you get on with yours. This girl is your son’s choice, you need to live with it. I do not mean to be unkind, but you do need to accept the situation and hope to build a better future relationship with the whole family in time.

Deb1987 uses some very choice terms....I couldn't help smiling when I read "blasted her and her entire family"......are they all in one piece? ? Sorry for making light of the situation...but as the others say, 'hate' is a strong word. I sometimes think one of my d.i.l. hates me but I certainly don't hate her.

Wow, so you tried to tell an ADULT WOMAN and a MOTHER how she should live her life - and you're surprised it didn't go well?

You didn't have to approve of her choices. But they were HER choices to make. Not yours. At least she was looking to get a place to live. She wasn't living on the street.

Moreover, your GS is your son's responsibility. Not yours. If you choose to help, that's wonderful. But mind, you're not obligated to do so. Your son needs to recognize that he had just as much to do with making this child as she did. He needs to take some responsibility for that. It's not up to you to see that the child is provided for.

I think it was underhand and fraudulent for the young woman to claim to be homeless.
She gained a property through deceit. A declaration stating that there is no one to turn to has to be made and signed before a homeless status is awarded.
She didn't find her own place to live in. She took a property desperately needed by a genuine application.

Other than that this is, unfortunately, just a tale of (some) everday folk nowadays.

I think it would be easier in the long run to try not to hate her.
You don't mention his father. Are you a lone parent?. Is he an only child? I ask because the last time I heard a mother being so hard on her son's partner, she was alone and he was her only son.
In her case the situation has improved and she is accepted in their house and sees her grandchildren.
I believe she backed off and built her own life and then they invited her back.
It's not the same situation but just as dangerous.
I also know someone who is estranged from her GC.

You could always do what my MIL did last year and squawk out “You can’t keep it”. That turned out marvellously all round.

More seriously, if your son intends to continue building a family with this girl, he needs to stop running his mouth to you about their relationship. No wonder you are taken aback by the news of a pregnancy if he is giving you the impression he has one foot out of the door at all times.

He knows what to do if he wants to have no more children. Frankly he shouldn’t have screwed up the same way twice. Perhaps if he asks for your advice again, you could suggest a vasectomy?

lol I DID suggest the vasectomy and yes I was a single parent but I also had my step children living with me all of us tried to get on with this girl and failed from the start she wanted us out of his life. At 18 my son was just starting out - yes he had sex (she swore she was on the pill) and yes he is an idiot but because his Dad was useless he has been absolute in his determination to be there for his son. The couple of times he has moved out she would not let him see his child so he went back.
I offered to let them live with me so he could finish uni and they could save up for a home and yes I did not approve of the council house route she could have stayed with her parents who did not chuck her out but they had taken the same path so thought it quite normal to go down the council! I see my GSon all the time but I do not talk to her and yes I get on with my life. I am always busy and that's the mad thing I am very easy going certainly not one of those tut tut old fuddy duddy GP and I think that's part of the problem her mum indulges her every whim whilst I will teach and guide and let them get on with it plus my friends, family and me all have a strong work ethic I run a nightclub so I am quite used to young people and also dealing with difficult people but she is an enigma to me. When I broke up with my husband I knuckled down and got on with it worked hard to provide for all 4 of us and managed to get 3 of them through uni

I help because I want my GS to have a good start I volunteer with teenagers many of whom are in gangs they have limited education and life skills a lot of them are great kids who have had shitty parents and bad housing but are very hard work yesterday I broke up 2 knife fights over nothing of course I will do what ever it takes to keep my grandson off the road

And my son is a good Dad he provides he does his best he is there because he has accepted his responsibility he is much nicer then I am I have a low tolerance level when it comes to stupidity

If you are that good with young people perhaps it would be a good idea to practice your skills on your daughter in law The first thing most people learn is how to work WITH difficult people instead of against them

I m amazed you work with young teenagers if you have such a low tolerance for stupidity
I am very easy going REALLY, every bit of your posts sound the very opposite
I see my grandson all the tine but I don’t talk to her What a great atmosphere for the little man to grow up in

I don’t have a clue why you asked for advice on here you obviously have all the answers and have it all worked out and would have no intention of looking at it from anyone else’s point of view anyway Totally pointless You just carry on your merry way hating, and treating her as a non human being an annoying outsider who isn’t even worthy of conversing with
Poor girl

You have gradually provided more information deb1987 which has given a wider picture. Reading through it is possible to see that you have tried to help/advise etc , and you admit that you don't approve of her or her choices; she is entitled to not listen, that is a fact and how she chooses to live her life is her choice, just as staying with her/not staying with her is your son's choice!

So...what do you want to happen now? I don't mean you want her to just not be there or whatever, but where do you want this situation to go within the realities of where things are at now?

She is there. She is your son's partner and your Grandchild's mother. That is the reality! The only things you can do anything about are your own behaviours! How is "not talking to her" helpful to anyone, most of all your grandson? You don't have to have a close relationship but maybe a civil one ...at least on your part! Otherwise things will only get worse and your grandson and the coming baby will grow up ...and maybe not like the way their mum is being ignored.

I really do understand that this is difficult and that working with other people's teenagers is very different to dealing with relationships closer to home! (I know that from experience!!!!) But unless you think about what you can change in the situation (ie how you treat her, approach her etc etc) then nothing will ever stand a chance of changing, is likely to get worse and may well end up with your grandchildren walking away from you. Try to look beyond the here and now to the future and how you can positively influence that for yourself and for your grandchildren.

- hoping the venting has helped.

I hear all of you just wondered why we the elders are the ones who are expected to roll over at no point has she been anything but hostile not just to me but anyone connected to my son. She is happy for me to look after my GS but has turned down suggestions of anything that might change things i.e. a meet one to one, a dinner with others there so no pressure, a family outing! My mil was very very difficult I just acted very respectful towed the line and gradually she thawed and this was a woman who disliked all of her childrens partners.

I love my DIL as if she were my DD. I believe you get back the love and respect that you show to them.

deb1987 Hate is an ugly emotion.

debs I know what you mean...I worked very very hard to create any sort of relationship with my mil , in the end we created a "civil tolerance " which benefited both my husband and my children! Trouble is, if your DIL doesn't want to work at I you cant make her but not speaking to her etc seems to me to be going to her level of behaviour. Say hello, ask how she is, if she doesn't reply just let it go over you head. That was actually exactly what I did with my Mil for quite a while! Even if nothing changes with your DIL at least you have done the right thing.

I have no sons, but have several sons-in-law. You have to go with whoever your child chooses and put in the work to get to know them in a non-judgemental way.

One of the things I always told myself was that I brought my DDs up, and I should have faith in their choices. You have to look for the good that your child found in this person - even if it takes a bit of winkling out!

It is absolutely not always true that you get back the love and respect that you show.
Years ago one of my staff members went through an awful time with her street brawling pot smoking "daughter in law".
It culminated in the daughter in law breaking in my colleagues house and knocking her to the ground, punching and pulling hair.
My colleague had been quietly baby sitting several grandchildrenvwho witnessed it all.
This lady had tried, as we all would, but it was impossible. There were several grandchildren involved .
There are some scum out there.

I'm not speaking about this OP but responding to harrigran's statement that we get back the love and respect we show to others. That is usually the case but not always. There are some 'difficult' individuals who are unable to reciprocate and tend to exploit or hurt others.