Mean Daughter-in-law

Not sure .......How does she treat your 11 year old granddaughter?

I will ignore her because I do feel it’s for the best for both my grandchildren. They are both my priority.

It sounds as if she is trying to score points off you - I wonder why. She can't be very happy - how does your son put up with her? As has been said - give her enough rope and she will hang herself.
I hope you can just ignore her nastiness and rise above it for the childrens sake.

Please let it lie Grandna Faye and please don't tell your son.
Just carry on the way you have been doing and treat both grandchildren equally.

I know what I'd like to do or rather say but don't rock the boat you could end up not seeing your gs. Just continue what your doing and the Dil will hang herself (not literally of course) eventually she won't be able to resist it.

My dil is very vindictive as well.

Example: I normally take the kids a treat when I visit. Last time I took 2 small bags of chips, one for each.
Nothing was said. As soon as I left I got a text from her telling me that everyone knew that son doesn’t eat that particular chip and not to bring anymore snacks that only the daughter would eat and that she in fact had fed the chips to the dogs! My grandson has eat the chips MANY times at my home

I didn’t refer to her as Hated. May have been typo.... I referred to her as hateful. Hateful is “full of hate” and that description fits her to a tee. She is very hateful. Actually not only to me but to anyone who doesn’t agree with her and allow her to have her way.

I personally would keep quiet and carry on as you have been.
We had something similar with our eldest son's wife and his daughter from a previous relationship,his wife went out of her way to encourage visits from my DGD but when she realised how close a relationship they had she thought of all sorts of reasons for my DS and his daughter not to see each other she told lies about my DGD and my son believed them unfortunatly.
They now have a child of their own my DGDs step-sister but my DGD has never been invited to meet her as my DIL insists she no longer wants contact with her,I'm convinced its jealousy but am keeping quiet as to what I think about her actions as she would love to cause friction between my son and myself and that just will not happen.
I hope things improve for you

Some people don't have any good points at all. The deeper you dog the nastier they are revealed to be.
A word of warning, a member of staff where I managed rose above and ignored her daughter in law. This incensed the girl further because she wanted trouble. The girl broke into staff members house, knocked her to the floor, punching and pulling her hair. In front of several grandchildren.
Good points? Not any.

I am so lucky with my 2x DIL, I adore them both, so my heart goes out to you, as you seem to be in a no win situation. Me being me I couldn’t ignore it but of course by responding it could go either way. Personally I would respond to her text on the lines of “ please do not ask me to choose between my grandchildren as I love them all the same”. I would also bite the bullet by asking why you can’t be friends, saying how important it is for children to grow up with love and harmony from all the family. Good luck with whatever you decide, but as others have said, so keep those texts, just in case, and you will have your proof that you have offered the olive branch. Good luck ....

Ok, so it isn't PND. Are you sure that she doesn't see your dislike of her reflected in the way she perceives you treat her son?
In what way are the messages unpleasant, GrandmaFaye? Are they abusive in language or are they just blunt about her feelings? What is it she expects you to do differently?

Insecure woman to say the least. The woman feels threatened because your son's previous relationship and anxious that her son should not be valued. Just try and show how much you do value both children. I do believe though that she should appreciate the family she has married into and not be so rude and crass towards her husband's mother. She has a problem and too immature and anxious to recognise it. Good Luck. Hope she grows in maturity and self-confidence.

I worry that you call her his 'hated' wife. She must have some good points and presumably your son loves her. Try to seek out her good points - everybody has some.

I am not sure if I am responding correctly so that it shows to your comment. I am new to the site and learning. Thanks to everyone for the good advice. I do agree that it is best to ignore the messages although I have printed them off and have them put away in case I should need them later on.

Please don't show the texts to your son, it may cause bigger problems, what if he sided with his wife (which, however unreasonable, a husband should do) you could end up seeing little of both grandchildren.

My son is 33 years old as well as she. It’s not postpartum because my grandson is 8 years old.

This has gone on for years!
She expects my sons entire family to favor their son over my sons daughter

The family basically ignores her in an effort to get along. She is extremely selfish and childish.

Hello CarolMary,

My son has custody of my granddaughter and she lives with my son and the wife.
As far as asking her for lunch it would be very unwise on my part to meet her alone without witnesses to the conversation.

She has a tendency to lie as well and I would be afraid of what she wotell my son that was “Never” said.
Thank you
Faye

Lots of good advice here. Could it be that the real problem - or part of it - is the relationship you have with your ex-DIL? She may be feeling jealous or insecure.

My son has known she has done such in the past but I am not sure if he knows this time or not

Hello,
She knows because my son has custody of his daughter and she lives with my son and his hateful wife.
Thx
Faye

I would be very inclined to talk to dil when she's on her own and just say pleasantly that you wish she would stop sending unpleasant texts to you otherwise you're just going to have to delete future ones without reading.
HOWEVER I also realise the best thing to do is to try and rise above it and be the better person as so many others have suggested. I should keep all the unpleasant texts - just in case.

Of course - the more usual version is " keep your friends close - and your enemies closer " - but your DiL is not your enemy.

Keep your enemies close - and your friends closer.

Your son must already be aware of the friction between you and your DiL . Make sure he knows that he , his wife and their family are always welcome - and that you want to see more of them. And don't just say it once - keep saying it. By spending more time together and avoiding confrontation things ie the dynamics may change for the better. Try to arrange to meet and do things together - have some fun with them so you can stop dreading their visits . I would be surprised if the texts don't decrease - or become slightly less vitriolic - but don't expect them to stop completely.

Yep, endorse what the majority are saying here. Be a loving grandmother to both, ignore the texts and definitely don’t involve your son, you will only lose out. Good luck x