Mean Daughter-in-law

Don't stir up trouble - what can telling your son achieve? She sounds really insecure, but she can't expect you to drop contact with your grand-daughter to reassure her. Whatever her problem is, it's not your problem. Just carry on being the lovely grannie that I'm sure you are.

I nearly had this with my DiL and it stems from insecurity. I realised I had to go more than half way mainly for the sake of my son and grandchildren. I flattered her, told her her children are adorable, told her what a good mother she is etc. Actually I wasn't lying as she is all those things. She being his second wife probably feels very insecure.

Don't whatever you do show the texts to your son. It puts him in a very difficult decision and quite rightly he will take his wife's side. This could lead to estrangement. Bide your time - things may improve with time but you could so easily make it worse!

MamaCaz is surely right - but don't forget you have a relationship with your granddaughter of 11 years - and plenty of shared history. So does your son. At 11 they have ideas and opinions, needs and wants very different to a toddler so maybe a lot of discussion about her goes on. And maybe your son feels the need to talk about her a lot at home - he may even feel he is "sharing" and being open and honest...
It's natural that the newer mother feels insecure and protective of her own child - who to her will no doubt be the centre of her world. And whilst 33 isn't young, it seems to me that if she's a relatively new mum it's all still very daunting, tagging on to an established family. She may well feel her child is competing for attention (and maybe she feels SHE has to too).

Be gentle on her, I'd say. Try to see her more through your son's eyes and ignore the nastiness. Texts can always be read in different ways too. Try, in future, read them with a smile on your face and in a positive way - with luck you might see something less awful, and in time draw closer to her.

Good luck GrandmaFaye.

Say nothing to your son, ever. In a way you would be asking him to take sides. He needs to put his marriage and children first, so let him by saying nothing.

By saying something you can only cause division and the person in the end most likely to suffer from that is you.

Been there, actually am there, keeping it zipped.

Sons are duty bound to agree with wives for a quiet life and also in their striving to be independent adults breaking away from parents. Tread on eggshells! Xx

You don't say how old the son is. Is it possible she is suffering from post natal depression which can cause problems for a long time if not treated? Is it that she thinks that her child should be favoured or does she perceive differences? I remember getting extremely up set when my stepchildren got £50 each for Christmas from MIL and our son got a much lesser present. I asked my husband to ask why and she explained to him that it was what she used to give them when they were younger. I hadn't thought about it like that and she hadn't thought about the way it looked to me.

Sadly it’s a no win situation for you - if you mention it to your son he’s sure to take her side which will then cause more upset.
Continue being you- treating both children the same. Hopefully she will eventually realise she is in the wrong and will change.
Good luck.

Dont react, just let it go over your head.

I would let it go - they are both your grandchildren and you should continue to treat them equally so. If your DIL is anything like my ex SIL they will only make it seem as if you are trying to cause a problem whilst they are completely innocent! My Mum was jealous of my older half sister and her Mum, even though Dad had been divorced some time before my Mum married him. The first time I met my half sister was at Dad's funeral and, even then, Mum kicked up a fuss about it afterwards. I wish I had known my half sister years ago - I contacted her after Mum died but we have lost so much time - simply because my Mum was so against us having contact.

My DIL is a bit like this. I find the best thing is to try to be assertive face to face but generally just to keep the peace. Easiest way..unfortunately life isn't always what we want. Stress is bad for you. I would actually get someone else to read her texts and if there is anything important in them tell you If not just delete them.

I suppose I'm lucky with my SIL . Even though he and my daughter are in the proceed of splitting up, me and him can still be civil and polite to one another. I know the situation between them has become quite intolerable but the welfare of my grandchildren is paramount to all of us. I know I am playing a large part in keeping stability in thier lives on a day-to-day basis, and I'm thankful for that. Sooner rather than later it will all be sorted but I hope to remain on good terms with SIL . Anyway he would NEVER restrict my seeing my grandkids ...he knows what I mean to them and them to me. I do not understand such selfish behaviour on any parents part than can deny thier kids access and time spent with thier gandparents. Children aren't bargaining chips to be used by others to score 'points'

Intrigued to know what the texts actually say!

In a different situation but maybe similar feelings. My DDs FiLs wife is quite distant with me. I think she believes that I was a good friend of FiLs 1st wife. We were neighbours for a while but whilst friendly not " mates"! I actually think I would have more in common with new wife but she avoids attending too many shared occasions.

Honestly do not understand vile people. If you let on to her that she is achieving her goal of getting to you she has won. Ignore her, be sweetness personified. Then go to the gym and bunch the heck out of a punchbag!!

Dear me, evianers ' description is just how it used to be with us!! GrandmaFaye, my ex DIL would not have responded well to any kind of threat, and any comment about the nasty texts would not have helped, as she is so unforgiving of anyone who challenges her. Either don't respond or kill it dead with some kind of pleasant comment about their lovely son

Text messages can be poisonous.
I wonder why she behaves like this?
It's a story straight out of Snow White or Cinderella
Send her a copy? Not the text, the fairy tale.
I do know people who have been on the receiving end of stuff like this.
One, when she was a girl on visits to her dad and his new wife, only photos if her step siblings were on display. The pain never left her.

It seems to me that it is your relationship with your DIL that is the problem here. Have you tried talking to your DIL face to face about this? She may well feel insecure and think you may be comparing her to your son's ex. As the MIL, I think you have to be the one offering the olive branch! Could you perhaps ask DIL out for lunch on her own saying that you want to get your relationship on a better footing? It might just work if you can show her that you understand how she feels. You may never get to be bosom pals but she is your son's choice after all! Presumably the daughter still lives with her own Mum. Of course you will treat your GD in the same way as your GS,but you don't need to tell your DIL everything about your relationship with your GD. Good luck.

I have to say that your dil's problem sounds to be one of jealousy or insecurity.
I am embaressed to admit that i felt a bit like that in my early twenties, but fortunately i grew out of it. Unfortunately, if she is like this in her thirties, I can't imagine her getting any better now.
As others have said, carry on as you are, and don't rock the boat by saying anything to either her or your son!

How I sympathise! Although our DIL is not vicious or nasty she refuses to speak to us and will not disclose what has upset her to the extent where she doesn't talk. It creates a nasty atmosphere. We speak to our DS and the DGC on Skype every Sunday, but she is nowhere to be seen. Lucky are those who have wonderful DsiL

How does the present wife know how you treat the first granddaughter ? Is someone feeding her details I don’t understand how she can know anything about your relationship with any others unless you or your son are telling her

Next time she sends a nasty text tell her this had better be the last nasty one she sends or you will show them to your son.
It should stop it. Hopefully.
Carry on treating both gc the same.
Does your son know she is like this or is it all done behind his back.

I agree with all of the above GrandmaFaye. Not responding and letting her know they get to you will be annoying her.

I would certainly do as fiorentina has suggested and keep the messages just in case you do need them at a later date.

Don't rock the boat but keep the text messages. You might need them later.

No GrandmaFaye, don't talk to your son. If he is anything like mine, he will only take his wife's side. I am also at the receiving end of nasty texts from my d.i.l. But, if I want to see the gc, I have to keep quiet. I am constantly having to "beg" to see them and yet I get accused of not caring. Can't win.

I wouldn't crack on to your son if I was you however much you might want to say something. Least said and all that.
The children are both your grandchildren so focus on them and ignore her childish ways.