Parallel to “Mean daughter in law”

Very true jaimal1108.

You as well Janeainsworth

Thank you Grandma Faye - best wishes to you too, and I hope you enjoy Thanksgiving next week

Hello Janeainsworth,

Welcome to the USA! I have visited Alabama and I loved it there.

Blessings

GrandmaFaye I’m interested to hear that you’re from the southern United States.
I’m in Alabama at the moment, having travelled quite a bit over the last few years in the eastern United States and Canada.
It has always struck us how friendly, polite and helpful Americans usually are. I’m talking about people you meet in stores and hotels and restaurants.
Of course I’ve no idea what goes on inside people’s homes, but all I can say is that my American DiL is bringing our DGCs up to be polite and respectful to any adults they come into contact with. One thing I like is that any adults’ names are prefixed with Ms or Mr before their Christian name. This seems to me to instil the idea of being polite to grownups, and that they behave differently towards adults than they might towards their friends of their own age.
Having said that, I agree with others who have said that respect isn’t a right, but has to be earned. That’s different from good manners and politeness, which are everyone’s due. But being respectful is not the same as having respect for someone.
I don’t think I’ve seen your other thread but I think that the best way to counteract rudeness from anyone is to be ultra-polite back.
Finally, I have no problem being collectively addressed as ‘guys’. My DiL does it all the time so I am sure it’s correct usage

The meaning of the word respect can be different in what is expected. Respect can mean the same as having a regard for someone's feelings, and that regard/respect should be expected no matter what age.

I have experienced disregard/disrespect in my life from all sorts of people, and a broad age range from young to old.

It's not a generation thing, it's a person thing. Individuals act as they see fit - whether right or wrong and if we feel that person is wrong, then step away from such people (family or not).

Are we confusing respect with politeness?

I was always perfectly polite to an old aunt of dh's, but since she was a monumentally self-centred and tight-fisted old woman, I had very little respect for her.

OP, the thing I don't like about 'respect your elders' is that for SOME older people it's a way to manipulate younger people (particularly their children/in laws) to have to abide by their rules of fall in line with their expeditions because it's rude not to.

Yes your DIL should show you respect. That doesn't mean agreeing with you, or accepting your viewpoint without question, or doing as you would expect her to (I'm not saying that's what's happened with you and your DIL, but it does in some cases). And you should show her respect back.

It should be a mutually respectful relationship. I get on well with my MIL because she respects me, and I respect her. I don't get on with my mom because she thinks that I should do as she says 'because she's my mother'.

No one should ever have to respect someone who is disrespectful to them, regardless of age.

There is disrespect everywhere - even on Gransnet!
We go in for a lot of banter in my family - maybe that would come across as disrespect to outsiders? But for us actions speak louder than words ...

Tooyoungtobeagrandma,

I can sympathize with your situation and I agree with your point of view.

Thank you

@grandma faye I happen to agree that there is often a lack of respect from some of the younger generation. I have been at the sharp end of my son's fiance who has no respect for her parents or for us and I find it very difficult to like her. Both my AC are late 20s and would never speak to me or any older person in such a way and the youngest of my AC is disgusted at the way this women speaks about and to me. We (my OH, YAC and I) are now nc with this female which puts my DS in an awkward position who says it's just the way she is as she was "bullied" as a child. We have always treated her well but the last couple years she has become quite unpleasant. Whilst I agree that older people don't have respect by right I do think that the parents of your boy/girlfriend/fiancé/fiancée deserve to be treated with consideration when they have raised the person you have chosen to be with and welcome you into their home and family. I have worked with young people all my life and have the utmost respect for their outlook, enthusiasm, resilience and they respect my age, knowledge, & humour. I have worked hard brought up 2 well adjusted hard working children and succeeded in my chosen career and yes I think that entitles me to some respect.

I gave up respecting my Mother when she said You will Obey Me I Own You (I was in my 20's and married)

GrandmaFaye
Hi
I understand it to be an Americanism and that GN comprises of people in countries other than the UK, however, a guy is a male in any language, even in the US where Guys and Dolls originated.
From my country to yours, please accept these

I do feel that respect has to be earned - I was taught as a child to treat everyone politely and with good manners, but respect is another level; it is something accorded to a person you have begun to know well. My DH's late mother treated most people dreadfully - demanding. aggressive, and determined to have her own way at all costs. She enquired of me once why I didn't seem to respect her, which she felt she deserved. When I said that I felt respect should be earned, she thought that one over and walked away - it didn't change her behaviour though!

I'm ancient, and was never taught by my parents to respect people just because of their age - it was respect everyone until they showed they didn't deserve it. Even then it was graceful to be polite. However I agree with PPs - it is hard to respect domineering people who are always right, or who choose to dislike and disrespect you. Or indeed, expect respect when they haven't done anything to deserve it

We brought our children up to have a voice and this is probably the downside to that. The upside is you know who really respects you rather than paying lip service just because of your age.

Not being smug just factual, but I have wonderful relationships with all 3 AC plus their other halves, mutual love and respect. Respect has to be earned no matter what age or whatever relationship. I was bought up to respect elders, but I worked out that so many elders truly did not deserve my respect. I struggle to show respect to my own elderly Mum as she is so controlling, critical and domineering. I’m not rude to her but have learnt to be very assertive just to deal with her “ Mrs Always Right” attitude. If I didn’t speak up it would enable her to think it’s ok to run others life’s for them.... which of course is total disrespect to everyone else around her.

Age comes to everyone; respect has to be earned.

I think generally you get back what you give out. I've never demanded or expected respect from anyone but nor have I ever been bothered by the way others treat me. I have a very good, friendly relationship with my sons and their partners, we all say what we think safe in the knowledge that no one ever takes offence etc. Maybe a bit more give and take is required to achieve a friendly happy atmosphere where no one feels they have to behave in a certain way. Just be more accepting and less judgmental.

I agree with other posters. I don't think older people deserve any more respect than younger ones. I believe in mutual respect. We should all treat each other with respect and kindness regardless of age.
In my experience younger people are generally very respectful.

I think people's views on respect have changed.

It's no longer something that is a given based on age or seniority. It is something that is earned. My mum always said to me that if you want people to respect you, then you have to show them respect.

I don't care if you're 36, 60 or 100, if you're not respectful to others, then why should they treat you with respect just because "they're your elders"?

My paternal grandmother would demand respect, but respected no one in return, the results? 5 years now of no contact as the influence that could have had on my daughter was not worth it.

Newmom101 and others are right. Respect from others is something we acquire because of how we behave, not age.
I’d hate to think that people respect me simply for not having died!

I agree madmum38. Respect is earned . It is not a right for anyone. If you don't respect your DIL why should she respect you. Age does not mean anything except a number.

My family don’t disrespect me but don’t see eye to eye on everything.
My own mother said respect was earned and not just given

GranVee I agree with you. That is the way I was taught by my parents.