Life seen from Different Generations' Perspectives.

Tilly - you dear poor lady. Have you contacted your local paper? I'm sure they would send a reporter post haste as usually desperate for good stories. This would generate offers of help from people. Another idea would be to contact your local church, ask the priest to visit and maybe he could muster support for you in the form of a little working party. This sort of thing happens sometimes here when there is obvious need such as yours. Please think about my suggestions and I do hope you get the help which you richly deserve very soon.

I have just watched your YouTube video and to say I am shocked is an under-statement Tillybelle.

This is a cowboy builder taking advantage of an older, disabled person and he should be taken to account. I looked online and read about a similar case and the builder has been taken to court and has been imprisoned.
www.expressandstar.com/news/crime/2018/03/28/cowboy-builder-who-wrecked-mother-of-twos-house-put-behind-bars/
Wolverhampton Trading Standards launched a prosecution

I think you need to contact your local Trading Standards Officer asap, copying in your local councillor and MP too. The council official who 'turned a blind eye' to what was going on should be taken to task (and possibly sacked if he was taking backhanders).

The same thing has happened to two young people I know and unfortunately, the builder has now gone bankrupt! Their house is unliveable in. I haven't any up-to-date news on what is happening with them at the moment unfortunately.

It wouldn't be a good idea to try to sell your house at the moment, imo, as what you would get would be way below its true value if everything was put right.
Do you have insurance? Perhaps the insurance company may be able to advise too.

As for your children - no, I'm sure that mine would be very angry on my behalf and would be helping me to do something about this chaos that has ensued. Your DC need to step up and be more proactive in helping you. I would be very cross indeed if mine behaved like that.

As for your lovely china etc - if you still want it all then keep it and love it but, if not, then you could consider sending it to auction and using the money to treat yourself and cheer yourself up a bit.

My own recommendations don't extend your existing house, if you really do need something different move house and let somebody else have the hassle of improvements - unless you are qualified to supervise their work fully
There are good ones and bad ones but most small builders have no assets, so there is no prospect of compensation if things go wrong

Tillybelle, if it’s any consolation, after my first husband died, my daughters and even my sisters put him up on a pedestal and I sometimes wonder if they are talking about the same person I was once married to.

He had MS and I tried to protect my girls from the worst of his behaviour, but he would swear and call them names sometimes, but they seem to have forgotten all that, so I just let them remember him as they want to.

I can’t help re the builders unfortunately, but I can sympathise re your illness and pain. Please take care of yourself and if your kids moan about the state of your home, just say ‘a bit of help would be appreciated’ , wonder how they would reply to that.

Tillybelle, we have a situation where our builder has made a complete mess of our total renovation, plaster falling off the walls in every room. We have found that our house insurance covers legal fees for court proceedings and that the legal department offers excellent free advice. I am lucky that my husband and family are helpful and supportive so I know it will be OK in the end. I can't imagine how horrid it is for you to have to deal with this mess alone. Have you approached your insurance company? I wish you much luck and a virtual hug

May I suggest that Tillybell has had the most dreadful experience with a roue builder and that comments are posted after watching the excellent u-tube film that shows the mess the builder made of her house and her essential possessions including her dining table and wheel chair. It is absolutely dreadful that anyone should experience this vandalism in their own home.

youtu.be/tMSwsO6Q5d8
C&M Building are Finished! He said!

My 93 year old FIL is a hoarder, his loft groans under the strain of his possessions but he doesn’t worry as he says it won’t be his job to sort it out. Life is too short to go through decades worth of old utility bills for one thing, so house clearance will be the solution. He offered a local school a pile of ancient National Geographic magazines and was dumbstruck that they refused them, so he has painstakingly indexed all the articles; I know not why! I really have enough junk of my own so can live without someone else’s.

Dear Tillybelle I am so sorry for the dreadful experience you have had and absolutely shocked by how these rogue builders have reduced your lovely house to such a sorry state. It seems that your children have not rallied round to help get things sorted and to castigate the builder. It looks like you have been left alone to do what you can.

Can i suggest you advertise for an aupair on HelpX

HelpX
www.helpx.net/
volunteer work in exchange for free accommodation and food on farms, backpacker hostels, lodges, horse stables and even sailing boats.
www.helpx.net/hostlist.asp?host_region=301,302,303&network=3

I think that if you put up your profile and situation and asked for someone to help you might well find that you got a volunteer.

Good luch

My oldest and bestest friend has a house which is a bit of a muddle. She collects vintage items especially kitchen items. There is a huge dresser filled with all manner of things, and a hallway which is large enough to hold a sideboard from the 50's early 60's recently purchased from a charity shop an old fashioned record player from the 60's and other items of interest, it is a bit like going into a museum and i love it. She makes me laugh with all her bits and pieces and i call her a clutter bug, it shows exactly how her personality is, she loved the 60's and late 50's and i think having all these things reminds her of a time gone by and comforts her. Her home is cluttered yes but so warm welcoming and cosy i adore my time spent there with her. The kettle is always on, homemade scones are always cooking and her fridge filled with homemade jams etc and the kitchen table has a huge bowl of fresh fruit, nuts, flowers and such like. Who wouldn't want to live in a home like this

My three boys have never made disparaging remarks on how my home looks and I never criticise their homes either. I am a believer of "Housework never killed anyone but I'm not taking any chances" I do what needs to be done, lavatories, bathrooms and kitchen always clean. Nobody else's business, it's MY HOME.

PS. Tillybelle, I just watched your YouTube film -I should have watched it earlier. It is absolutely appalling. I don't know the UK building environment but surely there is a building regulator? insurance? something? somebody? to help you with such a builder. "Cowboy builder" doesn't begin to describe your situation. Your house has been trashed and is unsafe, unhygienic and basically unliveable.

Can UK Grans help direct Tillybelle to who and what she needs to do? She really needs HELP. Tillybelle's situation is so much more complex and dire than the original thread title about different generations seeing things from a different perspective.

Tillybelle are you OK? Have the responses posted here been helpful or have they just added to your stress? You seem so very vulnerable at the moment with a mountain of really difficult problems to deal with. I can only hope you are able to get support from someone (like your local MP) to deal with these issues or to direct you to people who can help. Best wishes from the other side of the world. ???

Tillybell email or write to your MP and request a home visit mention that you are disabled.

Then show him/her the problems caused by the cowboy builders.

Also have any relevant paper work and photographic evidence to hand.

Good luck[

Tillybelle, no wonder you are so depressed and overwhelmed. You are living in an impossible situation. I don't think I'd ever get out of bed and would just hide under the bedcovers all day. Is it possible to cut your losses and just sell your property, knowing and accepting that you have probably lost a lot of money on it? You cannot continue where you are as it will kill you. Would you have enough money to purchase something else, even a tiny place or a retirement cottage? Even one room with a kitchenette and bathroom would be better than the toxic environment you are living in. It almost seems cursed. I do so hope you can find some good people and some practical assistance to help you out of this slough of despond. ?

Apricity You are absolutely right when you say: 'I know that when everything around me is chaotic and disorganised it really effects my mood and makes me feel depressed and chaotic inside as well". This has been affecting me badly. Unfortunately I am disabled and the old me, who used to get up and get busy, cannot move and lift things now. In fact right now I must lie down due to the pain getting excessive. So that runs my life and the sorting out of the builders' heinous evils hardly gets dealt with. I do not have money to pay anyone To do it.

eazybee Ah. Difficult one here. Their father died, suicide over 20 years ago. They have forgotten how critical he was. They have, indeed, forgotten how difficult they were, especially when we had to move and I had to pack up everything and not always did they attempt to help. No, life has been too difficult, maybe it's best not to think about the past. Not for me, really.

agnurse. You are right. Until the floors are done and the shelves and cupboards are up I can't put the furniture back. Neither can I put things away as there is nowhere to put them except in the storage boxes which I mostly keep in the garage. I've been eating from the picnic plates. The builder and his side-kick were stealing from these. The house is just a building site and has been going on for so long.

As for legal proceedings against the Builder. That is a long story, too long for here. Suffice it to say I was left by a bad Trading Standards Officer who was not doing his job and was clearly in league (taking "sweeteners") with the builders he had to investigate, to take the Builder to court myself. By then the builder had forced me into debt. I asked at CAB and the very experienced man there advised, while patting my hand, that the court would find in my favour, might make the builder come back (no way - he had threatened me when they cut a pipe and drained my central heating and broke the pump, which they should not even have touched). The CAB man said "The builder will declare bankruptcy and go out trading the next week under a different name. Don't throw good money after bad."
To see what he did go to YouTube:

youtu.be/tMSwsO6Q5d8
C&M Building are Finished! He said!

It's only a Power Point with Cowboy music (I hope people get the reference) and quite amateurish.
I made it soon after he said he had finished so some of the damage had not been discovered and the floors with the wet rot underneath had not been discovered either. The latter is due to my neighbours covering my air brick and putting soil above my damp course. Our West gable wall in this road is built up to the boundary and only accessed by going onto the neighbouring property. We never had trouble and look after each other until this couple - the woman actually - (see "He was pulling up my Pyracantha") - came here. She does psychopathic, anti social things (I am a retired Psychologist).

crazyH. Thank you, you are so kind. You have hit the spot. I have to acknowledge I am really low, your kindness has me in tears. It is so good to have loving support like yours. Thank you.

Are these super-critical adult children as critical of their fathers/husbands /brothers and their collection of really valuable/important/I know it will come in useful junk in their garages and sheds?
Rusty tools, parts of defunct bicycles, cars, washing machines, pieces of wood, paint pots, cables, screws etc. etc. etc. I cleared my garage and shed, (twice), only for adult children to fill them with furniture and boxes of possessions in between flat and house moves. A year and a half later some have gone, but I am still battling to get them to remove the rest.

As far as posting my message, go right ahead!

You're quite correct in that you can't really "clean out" anyone else's things, for the most part. (The exception being someone with dementia, if their belongings are creating a health hazard.) The problem with "forced clean-outs" for hoarders is that it does nothing to address the underlying problem that's causing the hoarding. All a forced clean-out does is increase the person's anxiety levels and give them room to hoard MORE things. You have to treat the underlying condition and THEN get THEM to start tackling the mess, often with the help of an organization expert.

It sounds, OP, as if your issue isn't hoarding at all. It's "mess" caused by the current state of your home. I agree that in this case you don't have a hoarding issue - you have a home issue.

No, they wouldn't be so rude as to make such disparaging remarks.

Tillybelle, it sounds as though there are a number of things that you need some assistance with. Issues such as dealing with the the "criminal builder" problems. Who is helping you to sort that out? Are there legal procedings happening or that need to get started? Where is Miss Marple when she's really needed? This is all very stressful and makes you feel very vulnerable. No wonder you are feeling down.

You also need some hands on help with getting shelves and cupboards installed and your things stored in them. In the short term is there one room you could get organised, made warm, pleasant and comfortable with your craft things handy? Maybe a bedroom if the sitting room is currently too compromised by the builders mess?

Instead of being critical your children could be a lot more proactive in helping you to deal with the present (hopefully temporary) problems. Could you have a conversation with your children and be very specific about what help you need and would like to receive? More lists and a strategy plan needed! How about a weekend working bee?

I know that when everything around me is chaotic and disorganised it really effects my mood and makes me feel depressed and chaotic inside as well. My external environment has a very big impact on my state of mind.
Good luck and GNs are here to help. ?

agnurse when you mentioned the 50 year old magazines, I thought of my late mil who had waist high stacks of newspapers around the large kitchen that had "interesting articles" she wanted to read and the old drying cupboard that was absolutely stuffed full of bits of cardboard from cereal boxes and old newspapers. Recipes were always written out on oddly shaped bits of cereal boxes. I still have some of them. Perhaps I too need to do some clearing out! Hmmm...

agnurse That was really well defined! Thanks. I am going to copy it (with your permission) and put it on my notice board. Hopefully my offspring will read it! And-thank Heavens! I do not have any heaps of magazines/newspapers! Unlike one of the Offspring.....

I found something on YouTube defining the difference between hoarding and ... oh, I can't remember, normal things I suppose. I made a note in my Little book: It is that we should discriminate between Mess and Clutter.
Mess is untidiness of things not in the right place because it is a] out being used b] waiting organisation.
Clutter is simply things that do not add value to your life!
She also made one rule: Do not decide for other people about their stuff, not even your partner - especially not your partner! You will hurt them. Be patient and supportive.
I made a note too which says the Principles of sorting and deciding what to throw away or keep are:
Love - do I love it?
Use - do I use it?
Space - Is there space for it?
Lifestyle - does it fit my life?
The lifestyle one applies to keeping things that really you know you aren't able to use now, I think, so to me it sounds a bit like "do I use it?"
I ought to give the lady who did the YouTube talk an acknowledgement but I'm afraid I've lost the reference. She was a cuddly warm-hearted American lady, wearing an attractive scarf. Not the thin woman who talks about "Large families on purpose" and whom I watched in fear for her regimented and identity-stripped poor children!

Tillybelle, you are right. The children see you coping and they take it for granted that you are ok. Sorry to hear about the builder ..I hope you have started legal proceedings against him.
Life is so unfair.
I don't understand why the POA has affected your relationship with your children.
If it's any comfort to you, there are lots of us who are having ongoing difficulties with one or all of our children.
You sound very low...we go through these phases. Look after yourself and let us know how you!re doing