Worried about my grandaughter

BlueBelle she already spends 5 days a week at nursery. I do try and be diplomatic where I can. I've taken on a couple of cleaning jobs so I can help her out more and so she didn't have to keep asking for money I told her to txt me her bank details and I would put money straight into her account but she never even bothered. I would love to try councilling but that's so expensive. The trouble is most times I don't say anything but then think that behaviour isn't ecceptable and i know she's not like that with her friends. So she does know how to act just chooses not to with me and her family. I'm getting to the point of really disliking her

I see Tillywilly, if your granddaughter seems happy and is loving with her Mum that is all a good sign all I can suggest is if you have the time and energy spend as much time with your granddaughter introducing her to as much play and experiences as you can, perhaps encourage your daughter to use a nursery to stimulate her more ( but don’t say that just say it ll give her more free time) try your damdest to not critisise your daughter even if she if doing things you don’t think are right ( like phone use etc) pick your chats very carefully She’s obviously very aware of her short fillings
Can you invite them out to a meal to the swings to a play centre if your daughter refuses you suggest you take her

I said he had a cheek phoning social services because of the fact he almost killed a family due to his drink driving. And I wasn't very clear but I meant I was annoyed at my daughter because she only stopped visitation after he phoned social services and not because of his drinking. My gd is a happy bright little girl. I can see my daughter loves her but she always seems to be on her phone and does tend to ignore her quite a bit. Even on her sisters bday she sat on her phone most of the time. In the end I did say something but she just gets aggressive

When people do things for you that you can't do for yourself it is hard to feel thankful rather than resentful. Resentful that they are able to do it and you aren't. Ashamed by the situation and angry that it is out of your control.

Obviously you should do the right thing and fake gratitude, but when I was ill and had to have a bit of help looking after my kids I just felt angry that it was them and not me doing it, because it should have been my job IYKWIM.

I ve just seen your last post Tilly and find it very strange your
Original post said I ve phoned social services in the past then your last post says her ex had the cheek to phone social services ??? What’s the difference
This child sounds as if she is between a rock and a hard place with both families and very very unsafe

the eye rolling is a huge defence mechanism She knows she’s in a state and she knows she out of her depth and is probably overwhelmed and every time you do a job that she hadn’t it rubs it all in So that’s why you re relationship is going to be fraught You’re the good guy she’s the baddie
Does your granddaughter and mum have a good relationship, does she do things with her daughter, do they have laughter and fun, Is your granddaughter unhappy or unfed or physically harmed ?
Dirt, untidiness mice are nasty but not the end of the world her emotional stability and safety are
‘Thank you s’ are hard to give when you know you’re in the wrong it’s an admittence
It’s a really hard one to sit back and watch I can see how torn you will be

at the moment he's not having her. Just sees her now and again with his mother there. My daughter agreed to see a solicitor I found because her ex had the cheek to phone social services on her even after almost killing a family. Again that annoyed me (even though I didn't say anything to my daughter) I was just happy he wasn't getting access. Because she never stopped him seeing her over his drinking just when he pissed her off phoning social services. Trouble is we have fallen out. I've messaged to say I will have my gd any time and help her get rid of the mice but she hasn't replied.

This is definitely time to think of your granddaughter and if this means your relationship with your daughter is affected then so be it. Your daughter is an adult and rightly or wrongly can choose her own lifestyle. Your granddaughter is at risk and needs the adults in her life to step up.

Crickey

In future if you are immediately concerned about your GDs safety with her father while she is currently call the police.

I didn't phone the social workers about the mess. I phoned them just over 18 months ago about the fact my daughter was letting her ex have my gd for the weekend even though he's an alcoholic and my daughter knew he used to drink and drive with my gd in the car. She told me he never used to wake when my gd cried at night probably because of the drinking. I begged my daughter not to let him have her and said I would have her any time she needed a break but she still did. That is when I phoned social services. A few weeks ago she said she still feels angry I phoned them and that I did it out of spite even though about 8 months ago he almost killed his new gf and her children due to drink driving.

that's a good idea. I think I could find out thankyou

That does sound concerning.

Do you know who their GP is? You could let their health visitor know you are concerned.

Not instead of social worker but health visitors can get in to see them sooner usually. Health visitors have all sorts of tricks up their sleeve.

Notanan2 luckylegs9 thank you for your replies. As far as the mouse droppings go they were all over my gd toys and under the sofa. I've messaged my daughter to say I will have my gd whenever she needs me to and to help with the mice and we don't have to speak but I don't think she'll reply

Gilly, you must be worried, I know I was. Your daughter has become as she has and yet you did your best to raise her so she hasn't learnt her laziness from you. As I see it you have three options.
You call round as frequently as you can to keep on top of the hygiene issue because that helps both of them. Do not expect a thank you if a kind word, do it because she needs you and your granddaughter does. Bite your tongue if you can and never criticise. She could have some sort of depression, but you want your granddaughter in a healthy environment.
The second is put it in the hands of Social Services, with their workload I doubt your d and gd will benefit much, it could end up with gd in foster care. Is that something you want?
The last is have gd living with you until your daughter is on an even keel.
You need to carefully look at the whole picture and for what is a best and acceptable solution.
A neighbour has the dirtiest house imaginable, she looks unkempt. Yet her two children have completed a good education and have lovely families of their own, they don't visit but mother is invited to their homes so despite everything she must have shown love. Don't give up, children want stability in their lives and that is what gd has, despite the dirt as she knows no difference.

Look its all context.

If you cat pooped behind your sofa, cat poop isnt nice. Its not a safeguarding issue though. If your whole house is covered in dried in cat poop: it is.

Its not about how healthy or unhealthy the poop may be generally.

Having mice is common. Its not a sign of uncleanliness, its usually more to do with a structure that accomodates them (older houses etc) Its why a lot of people have cats! Although a cat would not be a good idea for your daughter at this time.

You will need to get more specific if you are going to liase with the authorities on this: are the droppings all over the kitchen counters? Are they on bedding and clothes? Are they making the bathroom unusable?

Or did you just find some on a floor in the corner of a room?

I'm trying to explain that mice droppings aren't by themselves a safeguarding issue. Its about context.

I'm not saying that they're not unpleasant but its the context that matters in safeguarding. Just having some mice and not being the cleanest person in the world is not by itself a safeguarding issue. It depends on the actual risk.

I.e. say the children's beds were covered in mouse droppings: yes, that's safeguarding.

The existence of a few droppings, no not necessarily.

Have you looked at the clutter risk ratings at all?

notanan2 I think it is a safe guarding issue as having mice can cause all sorts of diseases and blindness. And it was my daughter who asked me to have my gd. And I wish I did know the reason she's like it. Then I could do something.

The way she acts makes me feel like she’s doing me the favour by letting me help her

Well that depends on whether its help she asked for, or things she let you do IYKWIM

Having infestations is common and not a safeguarding issue alone, if it is preventing your gd from having a comfortable place to sleep etc it is.

"Messy", again, not an issue until it causes a real fire risk (see the scales linked above)

Telling her you'll help her isn't helping the reason why she can't help herself

I had my gd over night. I told my daughter I had a rough night with her. She turned up late and as she went didn’t even say thank you so I must admit as she walked away I said you’re welcome. She rarely says thank you

Did you ask to have GD or did she ask you to take her?

I’ve cleaned her flat from top to bottom. Her garden took me 2 days. Bags full of dirty green nappies. Old bear bottles. Furniture and stuff I don’t even know. The way she acts makes me feel like she’s doing me the favour by letting me help her.

I’ve said if she’s struggling I’ll help her. It’s not depression. She’s always been messy. I was worried when she said she was pregnant but hoped it might change her. It hasn’t. I don’t say she’s messy because I know she knows she is. She eye rolled after I had my gd over night. I told my daughter I had a rough night with her. She turned up late and as she went didn’t even say thank you so I must admit as she walked away I said you’re welcome. She rarely says thank you. My gd seems well fed but does look unkept. It’s not so much the mouldy food I’m worried about more the mice

Not ideal Vs neglect/abuse IYSWIM.

For example is your GD having to scavange and eat the mouldy food out of hunger & neglect? Or is there just some mouldy food in the house. Do you see the difference? It might not be pleasant to have some mouldy food around, but its not necessarily doing harm if its just there and the child is being fed non mouldy food.

Heres the thing, she probably KNOWS its messy/dirty, hense the eye rolling when you tell her. Knowing it needs cleaning is not enough to get you out of a physical or mental slump which is preventing you from tacking it.

People get overwhelmed when they let things slip out of hand and being told about just adds to the overwhelmed feeling and the desire to either snap or retreat into ones self.

I will indeed look at this scale. But I would think mouse droppings wouldn't be good. There is also old mouldy food lying around.

Neither of those things alone taken in isolation are safeguarding issues its more about context and actual risk.