Coercive control

I was so impressed with Luke and Ryan. They were very dignified.

How sad that this thread already is developing into a what about the men. You do know the relative numbers of women killed by the partners ( current or ex) don’t you compared with men killed by theirs. And the differences in reporting and punishment?

I have a family member who is in a controlling relationship which she would not acknowledge I’m sure. It was frightening seeing it develop over time, slowly and insidiously. I hardly recognise her now as the same young confident successful woman she once was. When we followed the Helen and Rob story on the Archers, DH and I would turn to each other and just nod at the awful accuracy of the developing storyline. My family member’s partner was so very clever - softly, softly catch the monkey. I think that’s common and also why the victim generally is slow to recognise what is happening and eventually as confidence is eroded and gas lighting occurs, the victim develops a new normal. The behaviour can also seem very loving - picking you up from work can seem such a loving caring thing to do that you don’t realise it’s actually aimed at controlling you. Others see you as lucky having a partner who cares so much about you. I listened to the very moving interview with Ryan and Luke Hart on WATO today and they spoke of how their behaviour at school - quiet and maybe withdrawn didn’t ring any alarm bells as going in with cuts and bruises would have done. I’m just pleased my family member hasn’t any children as coercive controlling behaviour extends usually to the whole family. One story Luke and Ryan told was about the evening meal which their father cooked - he timed it for 4.15 although he knew the school bus didn’t arrive home until 4.30 so the meal would be either burned or getting cold.

I sort of quote Erin Pizzey - "the woman only has to pick up the phone and that's it, the man is done for" (or something like that anyway). She used to only be a womens rights activist but over the last few years has become a staunch supporter of mens rights too.

Many a man has been in/is in a controlling/abusive relationship. Did this survey ask them?

The only person I knew in an anusive relationship was a man whose wife was controlling nightmare, she often hit him but he never retaliated. The marriage ended and he is still single.