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In laws furious we are moving

(91 Posts)
Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:41:41

Looking for advice... We’ve recently told my in laws we’ve decided to move abroad and they are furious. They’re close to my toddler DS and I can completely understand their upset, we’re disappointed they’ll see less of him too. We’re moving abroad for my job and my FIL has yelled and yelled that we’re not doing the right thing and putting my work ahead of everything else. He has been extremely rude and even yelled on two separate occasions that he couldn’t care less if I leave the country (just me). Until this all happened I had a good relationship with my in-laws, they’re quite over bearing but nothing I couldn’t handle happily enough. My husband is understandably very angry at his Dad (yhis Mum has been nicer but could have been more supportive too) and I’m just devastated there is such a family strain. We leave in seven weeks and I know things won’t get better unless they’re fixed before our move (we told them four months before our move, as soon as we knew). I can barely look at my FIL given his behaviour and know he won’t apologise. My husband doesn’t want to discuss the situation with them again but I suspect he’d regret that in years to come, I’ve tried to convince my husband to speak to his parents but he’ll only do so if they apologise. I think this is a lost cause but any advice? Thank you!!!

Pythagorus Thu 06-Dec-18 06:28:10

You did not say how your parents are reacting to this news.
Actually, I can’t imagine any parents been delighted that their children and grandchildren are going abroad to live.
But there is Skype and one can visit.
There are grandparents whose children and grandchildren live in the same town and they don’t see each other much , if at all. Nothing is good or bad’s thinking that makes it so ...... Families are so very different. We have to let our children live their lives, even when they are a very important part of our lives. As my son often tells me, It’s not all about you mum!

Grammaretto Thu 06-Dec-18 07:04:43

It is a shock and people react in different ways. Did FiL have a problem with his own parents perhaps? Maybe he thinks if he can turn it against you, he'll be able to bear the loss better.
Is it a forever move?
When DS emigrated to 12 yrs ago, they said it might not be forever.
I think it is but it was a comfort and we have visited several times and they've been back. We speak several times a week on WhatsApp.
We are so pleased that they're living their dream.
Can you write them a letter explaining how it feels to you.
Good luck with it all and enjoy the new adventure.

absent Thu 06-Dec-18 07:11:55

The angry man is your husband's father and I think he needs to try to talk to his Dad. It's not your sole responsibility to sort out this unhappiness. I may be very wrong but in my experience men often try to back out of emotional situations and expect the women in their lives to put things right. For want of a better expression, he should "man up".

LiveLaughLaove Thu 06-Dec-18 07:55:30

"...He has been extremely rude and even yelled on two separate occasions that he couldn’t care less if I leave the country (just me)....." - pack your bags, jump on the first plane and enjoy your best life - guilt free- . I'd be extremely unsympathetic to anyone who lashed out at me and told me something so selfish. Not his nuclear family, not his business to have any say in what you and your husband decide is best for your family and your children. I hope he genuinely apologizes in the 7 weeks that he has left for his pouting and childish tantrums won't change a thing. All the best!

Anja Thu 06-Dec-18 08:03:39

I hope your FiL has the sense to apologise and build bridges before you go. Personally I’d take your MiL out for coffee and cake and talk too her. She will be pretty upset by all this too, but her feelings are getting lost in FiL’s temper tantrums.

I wish you all the best in your new job

holdingontometeeth Thu 06-Dec-18 09:56:03

Do what is best for you and your family.
Your FIL sounds like a Bigot.

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Dec-18 09:58:14

We moved to Holland when our daughter was 4 months old. My parents were supportive although devastated but made up their minds they would come over whenever they could. We also spent 3 weeks holiday with them camping every year and came home for Christmas. They had a very good relationship with both our children.

You do not have children to provide your parents with grandchildren. They have had their time. I see my grandchildren every three months or so but they really look forward to it and we have a great time.

Just leave them alone for a while and let them cool off. Maybe they will realise that they are so much better being supportive.

Theoddbird Thu 06-Dec-18 09:59:48

His reaction is because his heart is breaking.... Do not be angry at him...try and understand his hurt. I work on a USAF facility and I see the breakup of families a lot because of work moving people around the world. I took my own children away from their grandparents myself when they were tiny... I did not think about how they felt. We came back after 3 years. If my children did this to me I know I would be devastated. Please try and understand how your in-laws feel. I understand his pain and he is reacting in the only way he knows how....

ditzyme Thu 06-Dec-18 10:04:08

The usual, stock answer - it's your life, your future for you and your husband and child. Of course they are upset, you know that and have acknowledged that, but in their sadness they think only of themselves and what they are losing. Maybe support for them in their old age, as well as not seeing their grandchild. They should be happy for you, and maybe they will, once they calm down. And if they don't, then that is their problem. Goodness, I read some of the posts on these forums where family estrangements, arguments and fallouts are aired, and it reinforces the opinion that families and how you all interact is like a minefield, especially when conversations are carried on via the internet when you can so easily mis-read messages.

Pat1949 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:10:44

I do feel for your father in law, but it's your life. Obviously he's upset, a natural reaction, because he will miss you and your family and probably couldn't see this coming and doesn't like change. Whereas a woman feeling the same would be in floods of tears, his reaction is anger. Don't take it personally (difficult, I know) go ahead with your plan, maintain strong links, particularly at first, and enjoy your life. As one who would be in floods of tears I'm sure he'll get over it. My daughter only moved 120 miles away, I managed to keep a stiff upper lip until I saw her car disappearing down the road and although I only see her and her family a couple of times a year, I'm ok with that now that I'm used to it. Good luck.

Shazmo24 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:13:27

Just give him time and he'll come to realise what a plonker he's been!
Its hard as grandparents to see our children and grandchildren move away but that's why we've always encouraged our kids to do the right thing FOR THEM!
Your MIL is probably just trying to keep the peace for now too

Teddy123 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:15:01

I'm guessing your FIL's yelling and anger were his only way to express his emotions. Unacceptable - Yes. Understandable - also Yes.
Very sad all round but wish you well in this new adventure and hope your husband can find it in his heart to show his parents love and support in the few weeks you are still in the UK.
Bon voyage ....

Nanny27 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:15:51

I am in total agreement with theoddbird. When we bring children into a family we want them to be loved by everyone. Of course this poor man's heart is breaking. He is angry at the situation and taking it out on you as he sees you as the instigator. Go easy on him. I am so saddened by some of the harsh comments on here. We love our grandchildren deeply and unconditionally and I for one would be devastated if one of mine was being taken away. I hope I wouldn't react as your father in law has but we all react to grief differently.

leeds22 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:34:29

All our gc lives 200-300 miles away and I reckon the Oz in-laws see more of the shared gc than we do. They come over for long visits and are able to bond whereas we see them 2 -3 weekends a year. Hopefully your fil will come round and you can make them welcome on visits.

kwest Thu 06-Dec-18 10:41:42

How about writing a letter to your FIL? Putting yourself in his shoes? He is feeling anticipatory grief at the loss of a very precious relationship, grief is also about loss not necessarily death. His heart is breaking and so he strikes out in anger at what he believes to be the cause and a frightening threat to his future happiness. Be the bigger person, apologise , show compassion. It will cost you nothing but a bit of hurt pride, yet will give him something to look at and think about when things are looking very bleak. Also make sure your MIL knows how to use Skype before you leave and make a regular arrangement for you and your family to contact your in laws in this way. Put in every effort you can to reassure them of your continued contact. Above all be kind. One day you may find your son and a beloved grandchild are being moved away from you by a future DIL for similar reasons. Imagine how that must feel. Grandparents love their grandchildren with a passion that almost matches that of the parents but the have no say, no rights. Please be kind.

Razzy Thu 06-Dec-18 10:47:29

It is a bit unfair of them, I mean you’ve been living on their doorstep to the detriment of your parents, now you are moving you’ll be equidistant no doubt. I understand they are upset because they won’t see their son and grandchild so much, but if they are retired I am sure they could visit you regularly? I am sure if you were having to move because your husband got a job abroad they wouldn’t be so annoyed.

moggie57 Thu 06-Dec-18 10:48:07

you go its your life, your decision. dont let them control how you think or do things let things calm down and in a few months maybe they could come visit.they sound selfish .i can see there reasons as they are very close to gc...but they can still see them if they wanted to. and theres skype and video calls.yes i would feel devastated if my gc went abroad, but they are your children not theres. go .let things ride, call them to reassure them all is well. let gc speak to them..i think things will pan out over time. at moment they having panic attack.good lick..

grannytotwins Thu 06-Dec-18 11:13:20

Your in laws must be utterly broken hearted. I didn’t understand, until I had a grandchild, that I would love him as much as if he were my own. You won’t understand that until you are fortunate enough to be a grandparent. He is hurt and grieving for his grandchild and a future where he can’t hug him or have a close relationship with him. Skype doesn’t give anything like a normal relationship. It’s silly to think that any modern technology can be a substitute for a cuddle with grandad. I’m incredibly sad for this man whose only crime is to love his grandson and want to be a part of his life. Did you honestly think that he would be happy that you are taking a job abroad? I expect that your in laws are sobbing themselves to sleep every night. You need to build some bridges fast instead of complaining about him here.

knspol Thu 06-Dec-18 11:14:29

I'm sure you and DH didn't go into such a major move lightly. It's your lives and you must do whatever is best for you. I thoroughly understand from experience what it's like when family move abroad as it happened with my own son. I was devastated BUT wished them well from the beginning, told them it would be a marvellous new start for them and that they were doing the very best thing. I think your inlaws are just being incredibly selfish not to mention rude and unpleasant. I'd just keep my distance until hopefully they realise how dreadfully they've acted and come to their senses. Good luck with your new adventure!

Willow10 Thu 06-Dec-18 11:34:17

I've always thought that if my children thought there were better prospects abroad, I would never stand in their way. I wish I had emigrated years ago. After all, what prospects are there for youngsters in this country now? Of course it would absolutely break my heart and I honestly don't know how I would cope, but it is their lives to live as they choose, not mine. I think your father in law was extremely rude and you must be a lovely person to even forgive his shouting such nasty comments at you. Of course they are upset, but that gives them no right to behave that way. I hope they realise eventually that it is their support you need, not childish sulking. None of us have the right to dictate how our children live their lives. Good luck to you on your new adventure.

evianers Thu 06-Dec-18 12:08:12

We left to emigrate in 1975 taking the only GC at that time to the southern Hemisphere. Neither sets of parents were particularly enamoured with the idea of not seeing their children/grandchildren, but they became used to the idea and in fact came to visit us both in South Africa and Oz eventually. Your FIL needs time to become used to the idea.

sodapop Thu 06-Dec-18 12:22:31

Your father in law may well be devastated by your move confuseddil but that does not give him the right to behave this way to you. Supposedly he is an adult and should be able to deal appropriately with his emotions. My daughter moved to USA with her husband and baby, this was before the days of e-mail and Skype, of course I was upset but I brought her up to be independent so wished them God Speed to their new life.

Don't stress any more over this, let your husband deal with it if he can. Do try to mend fences with your mother in law if possible but move forward and embrace your new life whole heartedly. Good luck.

Jane43 Thu 06-Dec-18 12:47:22

If you were my daughter in law I would be very proud that you are doing so well in your career that you have been offered a wonderful opportunity like this. Grandchildren are a privilege not a right and your FIL is behaving very badly, in fact if he is not careful it could lead to estrangement from his grandson, his son and you. He is lucky you are even considering putting things right before you leave. Distance is not the barrier it used to be with modern technology and the opportunity to travel for regular visits. He should read some of the posts on here about estrangement and think very carefully about his behavioural which IMHO is completely unacceptable.

As you can tell I feel very strongly about this as we have been estranged from our eldest two granddaughters for 10 years now over something very trivial after years of support for our ex daughter-in-law. We have been excluded from their lives - from two weddings and the birth of our great-grandson and it hurts more than words can ever describe. I woukdn’t wish it on anybody, not even you FIL.

I wish you, your husband and your son all the very best for the future.

Billybob4491 Thu 06-Dec-18 12:55:28

You only have your children on loan, and all any parents wants is for them to be happy and settled in whatever path they choose to take. However, I would be heartbroken if your g/daughters removed to another country, job or no job, I can understand your FIL reaction, but feel he could have handled the situation more politely.

Bekind Thu 06-Dec-18 14:02:21

I'm sorry you are experiencing this! I have a daughter and grandchild who live far away and we still talk on the phone all the time, so it seems like she's still here with me. In fact, I talk to her more than I do my other 2 children who live close by!