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In laws furious we are moving

(91 Posts)
Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:41:41

Looking for advice... We’ve recently told my in laws we’ve decided to move abroad and they are furious. They’re close to my toddler DS and I can completely understand their upset, we’re disappointed they’ll see less of him too. We’re moving abroad for my job and my FIL has yelled and yelled that we’re not doing the right thing and putting my work ahead of everything else. He has been extremely rude and even yelled on two separate occasions that he couldn’t care less if I leave the country (just me). Until this all happened I had a good relationship with my in-laws, they’re quite over bearing but nothing I couldn’t handle happily enough. My husband is understandably very angry at his Dad (yhis Mum has been nicer but could have been more supportive too) and I’m just devastated there is such a family strain. We leave in seven weeks and I know things won’t get better unless they’re fixed before our move (we told them four months before our move, as soon as we knew). I can barely look at my FIL given his behaviour and know he won’t apologise. My husband doesn’t want to discuss the situation with them again but I suspect he’d regret that in years to come, I’ve tried to convince my husband to speak to his parents but he’ll only do so if they apologise. I think this is a lost cause but any advice? Thank you!!!

willa45 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:11:01

I would arm myself with a lot of patience, listen quietly and allow them to vent. Understandably, they are upset ....whether you realize it or not, they feel that their entire world will be turned upside down by your absence. Depending on their age, they may also feel they're being robbed of what little time they have left to enjoy their grandson.

The holidays is also not the best time for bad news. Obviously their grief is so great, they have forgotten or no longer care how they express it. They may even ignore that it's your life and that the decision is yours and your H's to make, not theirs.

Perhaps your H could have a quiet talk with them. Right now what they need most of all is sympathy, understanding and a lot of reassurance. Finances permitting, you and H might offer them the plane tickets so they can come and visit you once you're settled. You could also arrange to come home once or twice a year. If they have that to look forward to, it may ease the transition. Time heals and they will get over it one way or another. Handle this with sensitivity and compassion and there shouldn't be any lasting scars.

I do wish you all the best.

maddyone Thu 06-Dec-18 14:15:37

Luckygirl makes a good suggestion, to write to your PiL telling them why you are going, but acknowledging their feelings, and giving suggestions as to how you can keep in touch after you move.
Some posters sound quite high handed in their indignation, and they’re right of course that’s it’s your life to live as you choose, but you are showing that you are a lovely DiL in that you want to fix this before you go, and you say you’re also disappointed that they won’t have such a close relationship with your little boy yourself. But work comes first of course, and we all have to go where our jobs take us.
It is very probable that MiL is terribly upset but hiding it, and that FiL is angry that he can’t protect his wife from this pain. Your husband should certainly speak to his parents, to part on bad terms would be terrible. And thinking to the future, he would be guilt ridden if anything should happen to one of his parents before he manages to see them again, if he parted on bad terms. Asking for an apology is futile, an apology should be made really, but often pride gets in the way, and the only way to view this unfortunate situation is with compassion. FiL will calm down and you will move abroad, but try your best to get everyone to part on good termsif you can.

Nanna58 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:18:25

Of course you have to do what you think is best. However, do be as understanding as possible, as has been said before it is so hard for grandparents in this situation, who love their grandchildren with all their hearts but have no way of ensure they will always be close to them.I suspect no one appreciates this until they are themselves grandparents.

mabon1 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:18:38

It's your life, live it the way you wish, in-laws will come round in the end I bet.

PECS Thu 06-Dec-18 14:20:31

I would be devastated if either of my DDs moved away but if it was right for them and their family I would have to support the decision. They do not 'owe' me anything and I have been hugely lucky to have such a close and loving relationship with DGCs so far. We cannot tether our children and need to support them,

Nanna58 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:21:32

Live love laugh , what a shame that your strident nature doesn’t reflect your name

sarahellenwhitney Thu 06-Dec-18 15:10:29

Confuseddil .We were in a similair position when many years ago my now late DH and self discussed a new life for ourselves and our, yet to start school, children. Before taking it further we informed both parents of our plans. My parents wished us well, not so the in laws.
It was not going to be as easy making the move as we thought with DH having to take a lower grade in his line of work. I believe however that the 'opposition' was the deciding factor and out weighed any pioneering spirit we had.
Go with it. Its your life.

blue60 Thu 06-Dec-18 15:19:24

You really must follow your heart if this is right for you and your family.

Many people dislike change, but gradually change is accepted. It has to be.

Go forward and take this opportunity to embrace a new phase in your lives.

David1968 Thu 06-Dec-18 15:51:11

I've quoted this before on GN- "if you love someone, set them free...:" (song by Sting.) Our only child & family are 5000 miles away, so we understand what this can feel like. But we have never ever made a fuss about this because we love them & want them to have the best possible life which they choose. I agree with Scribbles. Don't let your FiL get to you: go forward and have a wonderful life.

Newatthis Thu 06-Dec-18 16:00:04

It sounds as if your FiL is being selfish. i'm not sure where you're going but maybe they will eventually look upon your adventure as their adventure also. My DD lives in San Francisco (11 hour flight) with our beautiful GD and I miss them everyday but I really love going to see them and having lovely holidays there. I am fortunate as I am in the position of being able to do so but maybe they too might come round to visiting, even if only once a year? The important thing is, is to keep the communication channels open and I'm sure eventually it will be OK.

GabriellaG Thu 06-Dec-18 16:02:55

Arrange to come home one or twice a year...12,000 miles?

Confuseddil Thu 06-Dec-18 16:20:31

Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many replies, thaoto all for making the time. I really appreciate all of the considerations put forward and will do my best to put them to use for a positive outcome x

Confuseddil Thu 06-Dec-18 16:21:33

‘Thanks to all’ vs the typo above smile

FlexibleFriend Thu 06-Dec-18 16:32:32

Is the move permanent? Sorry if I've missed that. I think he's being very unreasonable especially if you're from Australia and your parents live there. So it's ok for your parents not to have regular contact with your kids but not him. Tbh in his shoes I'd always be expecting you to move to Australia from the minute you and your husband got serious.
Sorry is just a word, no more or less important than any other, so does it really matter whether he says it or not. try to persuade your husband to be the bigger man.
I'd tell the father in law "it is what it is" he can accept it with good grace and be happy for you or can yell some more and kick up a fuss but whatever he does it's happening and you'd prefer to part on good terms and maintain as much contact as possible but it's his choice.

I hope it goes well.

maximka25 Thu 06-Dec-18 16:38:58

Your FIL's behaviour is rude but easily explained - he's upset. Telling from my own experience. Over 22 years ago I married a foreigner. My late Dad was upset that I've chosen to live thousands of miles away from my parents, though he wasn't rude about it.
Though I was very much in love with my husband, there are many things I regret about leaving home. I wasn't there, when my Dad died. My Mum didn't see my firstborn until he was a year and a half old. I missed sharing all the milestones with her.
My elder son has severe autism, so I haven't been travelling with him back home for over 14 years. My Mum comes to visit us once a year, and stays with us for a month, and every time she has to leave, we don't know if we'll see each other again. It's hard on both of us, as we have a very strong bond. Yes, there is a daily phone call, and Skype, but it isn't the same.
Yes, it is ultimately your decision, but you're changing not only your own life but their lives irrevocably.

quizqueen Thu 06-Dec-18 16:45:56

If my FinL had shouted at me like that I would have probably told him that I was glad I was putting distance between us so I think you have handled this very calmly, considering. I think this rift with your in laws is now up to your husband to mend though.

As far as the comments some have made about Mr Trump, have you not read about the mega temper tantrums Hillary had in the run up to the election! Also, it has been reported that Michelle Obama is not the saint she likes to be painted when dealing with staff etc. It's about time that people in the UK accepted that whom the Americans chose to be their President is nothing to do with them and there is no need for Trump or Brexit bashing in every post!!

notanan2 Thu 06-Dec-18 16:57:59

I would remind him that it is unhealthy for children to see their parents treated that badly by others so if he wants you to travel back with the kids to visit him he needs to start showing that he is able to behave respectfully.

EthelJ Thu 06-Dec-18 17:28:26

I agree with Stella, of course it is your life and the decision where you live is for you to make but your in laws are grieving. Yes they are behaving badly but they are not thinking properly. When my daughter told me she was moving abroad it felt like a bereavement, I knew I was not being rational but I felt so sad and it took me a long time to come to terms with it,
Try and be patient with your in laws and hopefully things will improve.

Marthjolly1 Thu 06-Dec-18 17:44:18

confuseddil I really feel for you and I agree put some space between you and ILs. MIL must feel she is between a rock and a hard place. FIL needs to take a step back and look at the whole picture although that's probably unlikely. You have enough to deal with should be supported in your preparations for such a big move. I wish you all the very best and hope it all works out well for you all.

Magrithea Thu 06-Dec-18 18:25:29

There's a saying "if you love something let it go" - we don't own our children or grandchildren. Yes, we love them all dearly but shouldn't expect them to live their lives to suit us!! If the job is for the good of your family confuseddil then go, Skype the GPs (both sets, if you have them) and make sure your side of the deal is done. If they choose to ignore any contact then they are indeed cutting off their noses to spite their faces!

My DD and SiL were considering a move to the UAE when DGD was under one. Yes, we would have been upset but having lived abroad ourselves we understood.

Change of any sort is scary but yelling and carrying on like a 2 year old isn't the way to deal with it!

Good luck and enjoy your new life

grandtanteJE65 Thu 06-Dec-18 18:31:27

You and your husband agree about this move, and that is the main thing. Moving now, while your child is a toddler is fine for the little one, as at that age he/she will pick up another language in no time.

Give your in-laws time to cool down and get over the disappointment of your move. Once you are settled in your new home, write and invite them to visit next summer - that will give you all a chance to get used to the change.

I understand their disappointment, but in my book they are being quite unreasonable, especially as your parents obviously have accepted a long distance relationship with you, your DH and your child.

VIOLETTE Thu 06-Dec-18 20:04:56

Sorry but I think you IL's are being selfish and totally unreasonable ! they are very fortunate you are trying to resolve the situation amicably ...if your MiL looks at Gransnet, she will see there are many GP's who NEVER see their GCs for whatever reason. It is a great shame they cannot realise this is the way rifts can be caused that will never heal ......seems to be no use trying to talk to them. There are groups that deal with families abroad ....Australia especially ....and some organisations that offer special air fares etc idea where they are, but if you google the problem you may find how you can access such groups ...if your MiL 'spoke' to others in the same position she may realise it is not the end of the world unless SHE chooses it to be and communication nowadays is not difficult. She can look forward to many happy years of sharing the GC;s life, even if they do not visit every day or week ...a lot of UK based GPs and GCs don't see each other for a long time between visits ........good luck

LiveLaughLaove Thu 06-Dec-18 20:31:07


"Live love laugh , what a shame that your strident nature doesn’t reflect your name."

Oh whatever! Like seriously, DIL shouldn't have to compromise her nuclear families needs/happiness in order to fulfil her FILselfish wants? Or should she now stay and miss out on this opportubity for he successfully threw a toddler tantrum and said something nasty and disrespectful to his DIL? He has lived his best life his way and should let her live her best life her way too. This is not about him. I'm sure that he isn't the only one hurting in this situation. Or does he think that this move will not affect DIL, her husband and their children? They too are leaving close family and friends behind and that must be devastating for them too. And acting all immature about it is only going to make things worse especially when he decides that he wants to visit in the future and starts getting nothing but excuses.....or starts to wonder why they are not visiting him at all. But people just love to tip-toe all over the truth. The only shameful thing is that the rude behavior of a fully grown and aged man, is being minimized and brushed under the rug as a form of hurt. hmm. Like DIL is not hurting herself.

ConfusedDIL go out and live your very BEST life - guiltfree- . You don't owe anyone an explanation or an apology for choosing to do what's best for you, your husband and your children. You also don't have to be the bigger person as suggested, to appease their feelings after they've been openly being rude and belligerent - and told you how you alone can go if you want to - as if your family unit means more to him than it does to you. They are hurt yes, and understandably in denial but there's a respectful, mature and adult way to handle such issues. FILs behavior was totally inappropriate, irrespective of his hurt feelings. I'm sure they can travel to visit. It's not like you're relocating to the middle of nowhere with no modern means of transportation.

Also, if he was so hurt about it he should have addressed his very own son about any concerns as opposed to disrespecting you cause he's "hurting." Safe travels ands ENJOY your new location in peace. poppy

olive2709 Thu 06-Dec-18 20:55:55

A few years ago my DD and Sil were thinking of going to usa, mil went nuts ,me i went to travel agents.Had a b/day do at there house short time later . I turned up with virgin travel book telling her new holiday spot . She told me I should be backing her up my reply it's there life. 14 years have passed job fell through, don't think she has ever forgiven me .

Coyoacan Thu 06-Dec-18 21:25:57

Gosh, I did even worse to my ex-MIL and she never once criticised me for taking my dd to the other side of the world, even though she had seen her nearly every day since she was born.

Of course it's horrible for grandparents but we have had our entire lives to learn that that is the way of the world. There is no excuse for FIL's behaviour.