In laws furious we are moving

How about writing a letter to your FIL? Putting yourself in his shoes? He is feeling anticipatory grief at the loss of a very precious relationship, grief is also about loss not necessarily death. His heart is breaking and so he strikes out in anger at what he believes to be the cause and a frightening threat to his future happiness. Be the bigger person, apologise , show compassion. It will cost you nothing but a bit of hurt pride, yet will give him something to look at and think about when things are looking very bleak. Also make sure your MIL knows how to use Skype before you leave and make a regular arrangement for you and your family to contact your in laws in this way. Put in every effort you can to reassure them of your continued contact. Above all be kind. One day you may find your son and a beloved grandchild are being moved away from you by a future DIL for similar reasons. Imagine how that must feel. Grandparents love their grandchildren with a passion that almost matches that of the parents but the have no say, no rights. Please be kind.

All our gc lives 200-300 miles away and I reckon the Oz in-laws see more of the shared gc than we do. They come over for long visits and are able to bond whereas we see them 2 -3 weekends a year. Hopefully your fil will come round and you can make them welcome on visits.

I am in total agreement with theoddbird. When we bring children into a family we want them to be loved by everyone. Of course this poor man's heart is breaking. He is angry at the situation and taking it out on you as he sees you as the instigator. Go easy on him. I am so saddened by some of the harsh comments on here. We love our grandchildren deeply and unconditionally and I for one would be devastated if one of mine was being taken away. I hope I wouldn't react as your father in law has but we all react to grief differently.

I'm guessing your FIL's yelling and anger were his only way to express his emotions. Unacceptable - Yes. Understandable - also Yes.
Very sad all round but wish you well in this new adventure and hope your husband can find it in his heart to show his parents love and support in the few weeks you are still in the UK.
Bon voyage ....

Just give him time and he'll come to realise what a plonker he's been!
Its hard as grandparents to see our children and grandchildren move away but that's why we've always encouraged our kids to do the right thing FOR THEM!
Your MIL is probably just trying to keep the peace for now too

I do feel for your father in law, but it's your life. Obviously he's upset, a natural reaction, because he will miss you and your family and probably couldn't see this coming and doesn't like change. Whereas a woman feeling the same would be in floods of tears, his reaction is anger. Don't take it personally (difficult, I know) go ahead with your plan, maintain strong links, particularly at first, and enjoy your life. As one who would be in floods of tears I'm sure he'll get over it. My daughter only moved 120 miles away, I managed to keep a stiff upper lip until I saw her car disappearing down the road and although I only see her and her family a couple of times a year, I'm ok with that now that I'm used to it. Good luck.

The usual, stock answer - it's your life, your future for you and your husband and child. Of course they are upset, you know that and have acknowledged that, but in their sadness they think only of themselves and what they are losing. Maybe support for them in their old age, as well as not seeing their grandchild. They should be happy for you, and maybe they will, once they calm down. And if they don't, then that is their problem. Goodness, I read some of the posts on these forums where family estrangements, arguments and fallouts are aired, and it reinforces the opinion that families and how you all interact is like a minefield, especially when conversations are carried on via the internet when you can so easily mis-read messages.

His reaction is because his heart is breaking.... Do not be angry at him...try and understand his hurt. I work on a USAF facility and I see the breakup of families a lot because of work moving people around the world. I took my own children away from their grandparents myself when they were tiny... I did not think about how they felt. We came back after 3 years. If my children did this to me I know I would be devastated. Please try and understand how your in-laws feel. I understand his pain and he is reacting in the only way he knows how....

We moved to Holland when our daughter was 4 months old. My parents were supportive although devastated but made up their minds they would come over whenever they could. We also spent 3 weeks holiday with them camping every year and came home for Christmas. They had a very good relationship with both our children.

You do not have children to provide your parents with grandchildren. They have had their time. I see my grandchildren every three months or so but they really look forward to it and we have a great time.

Just leave them alone for a while and let them cool off. Maybe they will realise that they are so much better being supportive.

Do what is best for you and your family.
Your FIL sounds like a Bigot.

I hope your FiL has the sense to apologise and build bridges before you go. Personally I’d take your MiL out for coffee and cake and talk too her. She will be pretty upset by all this too, but her feelings are getting lost in FiL’s temper tantrums.

I wish you all the best in your new job

"...He has been extremely rude and even yelled on two separate occasions that he couldn’t care less if I leave the country (just me)....." - pack your bags, jump on the first plane and enjoy your best life - guilt free- . I'd be extremely unsympathetic to anyone who lashed out at me and told me something so selfish. Not his nuclear family, not his business to have any say in what you and your husband decide is best for your family and your children. I hope he genuinely apologizes in the 7 weeks that he has left for his pouting and childish tantrums won't change a thing. All the best!

The angry man is your husband's father and I think he needs to try to talk to his Dad. It's not your sole responsibility to sort out this unhappiness. I may be very wrong but in my experience men often try to back out of emotional situations and expect the women in their lives to put things right. For want of a better expression, he should "man up".

It is a shock and people react in different ways. Did FiL have a problem with his own parents perhaps? Maybe he thinks if he can turn it against you, he'll be able to bear the loss better.
Is it a forever move?
When DS emigrated to 12 yrs ago, they said it might not be forever.
I think it is but it was a comfort and we have visited several times and they've been back. We speak several times a week on WhatsApp.
We are so pleased that they're living their dream.
Can you write them a letter explaining how it feels to you.
Good luck with it all and enjoy the new adventure.

You did not say how your parents are reacting to this news.
Actually, I can’t imagine any parents been delighted that their children and grandchildren are going abroad to live.
But there is Skype and one can visit.
There are grandparents whose children and grandchildren live in the same town and they don’t see each other much , if at all. Nothing is good or bad ......it’s thinking that makes it so ...... Families are so very different. We have to let our children live their lives, even when they are a very important part of our lives. As my son often tells me, It’s not all about you mum!

You're probably right SueDonim. Some of us GPs get to see our 'local' gc once every fortnight (in my case)....used to be every week ..the gap is widening, for reasons best left unsaid.

The IL's will be upset, naturally, but I suspect the anger comes from your FIL having no control over the situation. He needs to understand that though how you make him see sense, I confess, I don't know.

Both my sons and their families live a long way away, one in the US, one at the other end of the UK. It is what it is and I appreciate the time we do have together, especially the US family, as we get to spend two or three weeks a year with them, which in fact over the year can equal more time together than some local families who only see their GC for half an hour every few weeks!

I hope you manage to get to a calmer place with this but you must do what is best for your own family. Good luck.

Thanks everyone, very much agree it’s a sad extreme reaction. The sadness I understand completely, the anger doesn’t seem fair. @Absent - I have wondered the same question and truly think the reaction would be less if it were my husband’s job, which is frustrating but alas...

Good luck Confusedd.i.l. on your new adventure. Your f.i.l. has reacted extremely.....sadness, I can understand...anger, no. I am already dreading my 2 oldest GC, going to University. I, along with the other GPs practically brought them up because their parents are working. As a matter of fact, they are right now spending the week with me because my daughter is away with work.
You are a sweet girl to be worrying about your inlaws' feelings. Your husband would react exactly as my sons' would. But tell him to calm down...it's not worth losing his relationship with his father. He sounds like one of my sons, who gets quite annoyed at the slightest of things. "Calm down dear"...you're probably too young to remember Michael Winner' famous phrase.

People need to understand that love means letting go sometimes Love doesn’t mean tie them in to you tightly It’s a privilege to spend time with grandchildren if that changes you have to suck it up and accept it you canNOT keep them in a cage I m the softest person you could meet but you have to be tough with yourself and learn to accept what ever they want to do You have had your time to make choices for your own children now it’s their turn
Don’t let your father in law bully you
Good luck

What the hell was a grown man doing shouting at you?

They're hurt and angry but their reaction is extreme. I imagine that they didn't see this coming. I think the only thing you can do is give them time. It is very sad it has come to this but I don't think your FiL is going to come round soon. You sound like a calm, caring person so hopefully bridges will be mended.

Good question absent

I agree with others that this behaviour is controlling, bullying and childish. Confuseddil jus get on with the packing and shipping arrangements and fly away to your future lives together. I wish you well.

I wonder if your father-in-law would be quite so angry if your family were moving abroad because of your husband's job rather than yours.

As parents we have to brace ourselves for any eventuality that comes along and never get in the way of the futures of our children. Same goes for GC too. I have lived by this and it came in handy when my D1 emigrated after she married. I've visited 5 times over the years but for health reasons can't now do long-haul flights. I knew this day would come but I've learnt to accept it. My D1 and her H will be over here next June on a visit and I know it'll hurt when they leave but as I've already said, I'll brace myself.