Hello there and sorry for the long post, I am hoping that by writing all this down it will be a bit cathartic and you guys might be able to give me a bit of a support. I realise I am not a parent or grandparent but just came across the forum after searching for breakup advice and figured here would be as good as anywhere.
Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I’m 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely… I don’t really know how to describe the relationship as we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She’s 45, three kids and just divorced although she’s still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.
Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren’t together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling bad in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn’t do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn’t care about the complications, baggage, etc, etc. It was all true.
We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.
I had also noticed that she wasn’t messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I’d message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn’t be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn’t saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I’m assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.
This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn’t seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open – she’s always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn’t really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn’t really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn’t see me.
We met up for a drink the night before she ended things and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don’t think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: “Rich sorry but gonna take a break I’m sorry don’t worry I won’t block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won’t know what I’m looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don’t feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it’s not enough sorry”.
And that’s it really, I didn’t reply to that and haven’t contacted her since – 5 months now. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?’ and I didn’t reply and two weeks after that tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that.
I know she is now seeing someone else, one of the guys she was likely messaging in those final weeks whilst still with me. I'm pretty sure of that because out of curiosity I looked at her FB a few weeks ago and she was in the Caribbean with him and her children so I assume he would have had to be on the scene for at least a few months in order to not just meet her children but go on holiday with them. It also makes me wonder if the reason she chose him over me was for the money as I don't imagine Caribbean holidays come cheap especially in school holidays. Her ex-husband was quite well off and she was used to that kind of lifestyle, I just wonder if that is why she went for this other guy as he will be able to give her that.
I'm not really sure why I am posting this. Just some support really, I don't expect her to reach out but in a way it makes it worse that she hasn't, almost as though the relationship and me meant nothing to her. I guess she has completely moved on now and I don't even feature in her thoughts.
ru OK now rich?
"May the New Year provide you with, the strength to manage the obstacles of courage and life to correct the sail in order to just take every position to your pace, Happy New Year My Friend!"
and
"This past year has arrived at a end and it’ll simply take away all of the mistakes and pain. Nowadays you own a brand-new start to anticipate. Happy New Year, with love by all people!"
It had Maw but a granny who writes in text-speak resurrected it.
I thought this thread had long gone 
Hi richdeniro just came across ur thread.
I would recommend seeing a counsellor (poss relate), they will help unravel ur thoughts and empower u to move on with confidence and start living life.
Well presume we re talking about Robert deniro even though I m not usually clever enough to get this cryptic posts
Enjoy Christmas with your mum and dad abs move on my friend
Oh well done Rich, you couldn't be with better company.
Yes enjoying cooking dinner for myself ( my choice ) as family are doing their own thing as we all arranged.
A Very Merry Christmas to you too.
Merry Christmas Rich! ???
Look towards the future now!!
2019 a New Year to find someone who deserves you! x
Yes thanks Ellan, I'm with my mum and dad today.
Hope you are having a lovely day. Merry Christmas.
Are you with family this Christmas Day,Rich. ?
Who is Robert?
Confused as well.
Merry Christmas!
I'm confused by the last few posts!
Has someone been on the cooking sherry?
Breezy again isn’t it?
Robert sends festive greetings from the Carribbean.he says to lay off the sherry .
?
Why don't you and FountainPen try and meet up over Christmas?
How's Robert by the way?
Rich you need to take care of yourself now without reference to that lady . Five months is not enough time to get over some love affairs. You are young enough to have a job or a career and if so you have not invested your whole identity in the relationship with the lady. You will recover from the relationship and find new ones.
I was not attempting a diagnosis only pointing out that some of the behaviour described by the OP is indicative of narcissistic behaviour e.g. lovebombing and possible mirroring. The OP may choose to visit the websites mentioned or not. If he does he may or may not recognise some of the behaviour he experienced. If he does, it may help him to understand what has happened.
Hold my hands up ?!! I m losing sympathy now
@EllanVannin I agree I was strung along. I think another reason I have found it so hard to get over is the betrayal, I know she didn't physically cheat (although thinking back there is always the chance) but she definitely was emotionally which in a way was worse as I knew connections were being built and I obviously knew how . I now do think I was a rebound and was used to help her rebuild her confidence. Once she realised men were showing her attention on nights out and she was getting numbers I guess it was easy to cast me aside. Who know's what this new guy is like, perhaps he is perfect for her.
@FountainPen I don't think she is a full blown narcissist although definitely on the Cluster B spectrum, I have sought counselling from this breakup and the therapist has suggested he might have Histrionic or Borderline Personality Disorder as people who exhibit this kind of disorder often move from relationship to relationship with a crossover and seem to do little grieving over it. I did often wonder why her ex-husband didn't fight for her though, perhaps she had acted the way she was with me throughout her marriage and he had enough.
Amazing how many people are psycharitrists and can diagnose mental illness so freely Seems its the inthing now to pin point Narcissists
I hate to say it but the initial lovebombing and her subsequent behaviour are all indicative of narcissism. I'm not suggesting she's a malevolent narcissist but knowing that someone is hurting and flaunting their happiness with other partners is typical.
Narcissists have to have someone, anyone in their lives. It's their energy supply and they will very often have more than one partner on the go so that they have a fall back. They get bored very easily but also hate change. Going to the same place on holiday would also be typical. How her children feel about it would be irrelevant.
About your initial meeting. How sure are you that you had as much in common as you thought? Narcissists are very good as "mirroring", reflecting back the things you like and enjoy as if they like and enjoy them too. They do it deliberately so you are fooled into thinking you have met your soulmate.
Websites such as Psychology Today, Quora, Fairy Shadows and H G Tudor's blog all offer excellent resources for recognising the signs of narcissism and learning how to deal with manipulative behaviour.
Well, being the cynic amongst us I'd say you were being strung along. The fact that she ended up single and with children she probably wondered who would ever take her on--------until you came along.
She still has the security of the marital home which keeps things ticking along nicely.
I doubt very much this is about any age gap as afterall it isn't that big a difference and no matter who she ended up with being 45 is not exactly child-bearing age.
I would say that this is about money and providing the life that she's obviously accustomed to for herself and the children. You were the stop-gap or rebound from her marriage so that she could test the water for her chances of ever meeting someone again.
I could be very wrong but having come across this sort of relationship the women who've thought that the world was now their oyster have been proved wrong about some of the characters along the way.
Give her enough rope ! At the same time, you're young enough to find someone else and to my way of thinking this day and age all men should be at least 40 before they either marry or retain a lasting friendship.
Part of your healing will be thinking about other things, whilst you are constantly trying to analyse her behaviour how it effects her her husband her children etc etc and how good you we’re together you will not allow yourself to move on You are stuck with a capital S
Think of other things think of what you can do in the new year and do not allow yourself the pain/pleasure of ruminating about her or her life
MOVE ON
Thanks again for the kind words.
I know you're right with the whole compatibility situation, age, where we are in life, etc. I guess the reason I'm still hung up on it is because we did get along so well, from the moment we first met we seemed to be able to talk about everything and nothing. She said that herself too but I guess somewhere along the line she lost interest.
She did persuade me at the beginning that I wasn't a rebound as she had been separated from her ex-husband when we first met for 10 months but I suppose living together did blur the lines a lot in that regard. I even wonder if she still isn't fully over him as seems to have chosen a guy who is a lot like him.
I know it's now none of my business but I can't help but think about the new guy, I think he was probably the guy she was seeing back in May during our break when we got back together. She didn't fully break up with him or he came back. I can't imagine she would be introducing her children or going on holiday with someone who she hadn't known for a few months but I guess everyone is different.
One thing I did find odd was that the resort she had gone on holiday to on this Caribbean holiday is the same resort she used to go year after year with her ex-husband and I even think they went there on their honeymoon. I sometimes feel a bit hurt walking past a restaurant or something that we might have frequented due to the triggering of memories so did think that was quite odd as surely all her memories of that place would be with her ex-husband. I'm assuming she wouldn't even consider how confusing it must be for her children to go back to a holiday resort that they used go to with their parents only to see their dad replaced with a new guy?
Sorry for the over analysing. I know I'm just ruminating, I think it's part of my healing.
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