Still struggling 5 months after breakup

Its a shame, but does it really matter why she chose the other man?
Maybe his money, maybe she does fancy him more, or many more reasons are possible.
It seems she has moved on from your relationship, and there isn't anything you can do about it, as hurtful as that is.

I'm sorry you are stuck in limbo.

You may find that in time you stop waiting to find out things that aren't relevant to your life any more.
Break ups are never cut and dried .
You weren't with her long and you were not really a priority to her.
She was or still is playing the field and in that process you got hurt.
It will pass..

People cannot control who they fall for and when feelings change. It doesn't mean there was something wrong with you. You can't make someone love you and there is no point in being with someone you love if they don't feel the same.
You need to stop questioning and accept things and stop contact. You will get over it and much quicker than you think. Find something interesting to do and stop thinking so much.

She clearly isn’t interested in a relationship with you and you have to break off all contact with her. Break ups are tough but we’ve all been through them and you will get over it. Find a new hobby, join a class or a group, delete her number from your phone and move on. It’s all you can do. Don’t let this experience blight the rest of your life. Start internet dating in the New Year. Best wishes

Five months isn’t a long time to get over someone, so don’t worry that you’re still bruised. You will feel better about it, and some day you will realise that you haven’t thought about it for a time. You have a life ahead of you. You seem like a nice, caring young man, and there may be someone out there who will love you and whom you can be happy with. Be kind to yourself, exercise and eat well, seek out the company of friends and family who can make you feel loved.

We ve all been there, well most of us I m sure. You have to put her out your head every time she crashes into your thoughts you divert them to think of something else
You need to find something enjoyable to do, exercise is a wonderful healer I remember once just going into the big old sea for a swim and crying my eyes out, you can holler cry, scream and it’s very cathartic Woods are great too trees soak up all your feelings even the shower wash all that negativity down the drain
You have two choices you can let her make you unhappy and stuck or you can do something about it As someone who has lived longer than you all I can say is life blooming short it passes in the blink of an eye it’s your choice
No one can keep you stuck except you

Maybe take a holiday if you can - get yourself right out of this rut you are in. Stay out of contact with her. Getting over someone is hard - I guess most of us have been there - but you can do it. When someone picks another over us we feel very hurt, but you must not let it attack your self-esteem - just because she has decided to go for someone else does not mean there is anything wrong with you and there will be someone out there for you.

You should not mourn the loss of this girlfriend she is only interested in the excitement of a new relationship , she probably stays with her husband, who quite likely has his own dalliances, for security while she plays around and doesn't really intend to leave. In a way she is playing men at their own game, only interested in a casual relationship, getting what she can from them until she's bored or they realise what she's doing.

There are plenty of nice girls who are looking for a good man, find one of them to occupy your mind, you will soon forget her

Breaking up with someone you have loved is heartbreaking, most of us have been through it.
Listen to the words of a lot of songs on the radio, a lot are about lost loves, it's universal.
You seem to be thinking that something is wrong with you, when in reality, she just realised that you were not what she wanted.
There's nothing wrong with you at all, try to stop thinking bout this person, who has now moved on, stop thinking of reasons why.
It just is!
There will be someone out there for you, someone who will share your life, you just hadn't found her yet but you will.
Good luck!

Thank you all for the compassionate replies, it does really help.

The lovebombing has made it very hard to get over, I've never been showered with so much love, attention and affection before. I know it's a red flag but I had no experience of it and I truly felt like her 'one' I suppose. Even in the weeks before ending it she was telling me that she had never felt cared for in the way I cared for her, that I was her rock, how she loved how genuine I was, that she had never got on so well and laughed with someone like she did with me, that I was the best cuddler she had ever experienced amongst other things. Despite knowing she was texting others whenever I called her out on it she would tell me I was being insecure, she was just a needy person and that I was overthinking things.

It left me bewildered I guess and I think part of my healing is coming on sites like this to try and make sense of it all.

It’s how it is, I ve been told all those things maybe they mean them at the time but she wasn’t really genuine was she? It throws you for 6 but you have to leave it behind put it in the past and move on dont let it colour your next relationship but also don’t put everything in at the beginning don’t wear your heart on your sleeve let it grow and don’t rush in to replace her, heal yourself gently

I've had the same thing. Looking back I just think what an idiot he was. Forget her.

It’s all been said, this lady was still not fully detatched from her husband, she was just experiencing being free, and as new to it as you seem to be. I imagine she was genuinely fond of you but not confident enough to take a chance with your age difference and lack of experience with a family. Now it seems she is enjoying her freedom.. Knowing that she was cheating behind your back, even if it was only on line, should help you to realize that this was never going to last. Perhaps you were the shoulder to cry on, but now she’s moved on. Don’t be sad, it is all life experience that will round out your character, even though it is hard at the moment.
When you’re ready, have you tried to get out more, join clubs and activities where you will meet more people and get to know them a bit as friends, before seeing them as a date, and/or asking your friends if they know anyone you might get on with?
It is sad that there are lots of men and women in their thirties who would like to meet someone special and settle down, but there is no foolproof way to go about it. At least you have time on your side.

She was probably experiencing freedom for the first time in a long while; she may well have had very strong feelings for you but it was early days after the breakup from her husband.

I do think that she is right - you are 38 and may want to meet someone your own age or a bit younger and have a family. If you had stayed with her perhaps she thought you may have felt you had missed out on the opportunity, so it may seem hard now but may well be for the best.

In my opinion it would be better to make a clean break and in the New Year make some resolutions to be kind to yourself, but don't wallow in what might-have-been. You're still young, able to get out and about and have a good social life and hopefully get over this woman and meet The One who is just right for you.

It's painful still, but one day you'll look back on this and be happy that what happened did happen.

Best wishes.

Thanks again for the kind words.

I know you're right with the whole compatibility situation, age, where we are in life, etc. I guess the reason I'm still hung up on it is because we did get along so well, from the moment we first met we seemed to be able to talk about everything and nothing. She said that herself too but I guess somewhere along the line she lost interest.

She did persuade me at the beginning that I wasn't a rebound as she had been separated from her ex-husband when we first met for 10 months but I suppose living together did blur the lines a lot in that regard. I even wonder if she still isn't fully over him as seems to have chosen a guy who is a lot like him.

I know it's now none of my business but I can't help but think about the new guy, I think he was probably the guy she was seeing back in May during our break when we got back together. She didn't fully break up with him or he came back. I can't imagine she would be introducing her children or going on holiday with someone who she hadn't known for a few months but I guess everyone is different.

One thing I did find odd was that the resort she had gone on holiday to on this Caribbean holiday is the same resort she used to go year after year with her ex-husband and I even think they went there on their honeymoon. I sometimes feel a bit hurt walking past a restaurant or something that we might have frequented due to the triggering of memories so did think that was quite odd as surely all her memories of that place would be with her ex-husband. I'm assuming she wouldn't even consider how confusing it must be for her children to go back to a holiday resort that they used go to with their parents only to see their dad replaced with a new guy?

Sorry for the over analysing. I know I'm just ruminating, I think it's part of my healing.

Part of your healing will be thinking about other things, whilst you are constantly trying to analyse her behaviour how it effects her her husband her children etc etc and how good you we’re together you will not allow yourself to move on You are stuck with a capital S
Think of other things think of what you can do in the new year and do not allow yourself the pain/pleasure of ruminating about her or her life
MOVE ON

Well, being the cynic amongst us I'd say you were being strung along. The fact that she ended up single and with children she probably wondered who would ever take her on--------until you came along.
She still has the security of the marital home which keeps things ticking along nicely.
I doubt very much this is about any age gap as afterall it isn't that big a difference and no matter who she ended up with being 45 is not exactly child-bearing age.

I would say that this is about money and providing the life that she's obviously accustomed to for herself and the children. You were the stop-gap or rebound from her marriage so that she could test the water for her chances of ever meeting someone again.

I could be very wrong but having come across this sort of relationship the women who've thought that the world was now their oyster have been proved wrong about some of the characters along the way.

Give her enough rope ! At the same time, you're young enough to find someone else and to my way of thinking this day and age all men should be at least 40 before they either marry or retain a lasting friendship.

I hate to say it but the initial lovebombing and her subsequent behaviour are all indicative of narcissism. I'm not suggesting she's a malevolent narcissist but knowing that someone is hurting and flaunting their happiness with other partners is typical.

Narcissists have to have someone, anyone in their lives. It's their energy supply and they will very often have more than one partner on the go so that they have a fall back. They get bored very easily but also hate change. Going to the same place on holiday would also be typical. How her children feel about it would be irrelevant.

About your initial meeting. How sure are you that you had as much in common as you thought? Narcissists are very good as "mirroring", reflecting back the things you like and enjoy as if they like and enjoy them too. They do it deliberately so you are fooled into thinking you have met your soulmate.

Websites such as Psychology Today, Quora, Fairy Shadows and H G Tudor's blog all offer excellent resources for recognising the signs of narcissism and learning how to deal with manipulative behaviour.

Amazing how many people are psycharitrists and can diagnose mental illness so freely Seems its the inthing now to pin point Narcissists

@EllanVannin I agree I was strung along. I think another reason I have found it so hard to get over is the betrayal, I know she didn't physically cheat (although thinking back there is always the chance) but she definitely was emotionally which in a way was worse as I knew connections were being built and I obviously knew how . I now do think I was a rebound and was used to help her rebuild her confidence. Once she realised men were showing her attention on nights out and she was getting numbers I guess it was easy to cast me aside. Who know's what this new guy is like, perhaps he is perfect for her.

@FountainPen I don't think she is a full blown narcissist although definitely on the Cluster B spectrum, I have sought counselling from this breakup and the therapist has suggested he might have Histrionic or Borderline Personality Disorder as people who exhibit this kind of disorder often move from relationship to relationship with a crossover and seem to do little grieving over it. I did often wonder why her ex-husband didn't fight for her though, perhaps she had acted the way she was with me throughout her marriage and he had enough.

Hold my hands up ?!! I m losing sympathy now

I was not attempting a diagnosis only pointing out that some of the behaviour described by the OP is indicative of narcissistic behaviour e.g. lovebombing and possible mirroring. The OP may choose to visit the websites mentioned or not. If he does he may or may not recognise some of the behaviour he experienced. If he does, it may help him to understand what has happened.

Rich you need to take care of yourself now without reference to that lady . Five months is not enough time to get over some love affairs. You are young enough to have a job or a career and if so you have not invested your whole identity in the relationship with the lady. You will recover from the relationship and find new ones.

Why don't you and FountainPen try and meet up over Christmas?
How's Robert by the way?