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Big argument with daughter.

(8 Posts)
Washerwoman Fri 28-Dec-18 14:21:58

Oh dear I've blown it.I have posted previously about my grumpy daughter.Relations have been very strained in the last year or two since her little one was born.She has never coped well with being tired,and as a shift worker and her DP working very long hours and having a toddler that is frequent.However DH and I do a lot to help,having DGD overnight at least once a week ,plus nursery drops offs an pick ups.And since she has been pregnant again extra nights here and there so they can both sleep.
The trouble is in between lulls her and DP have big arguments, relations with his mother have deteriorated-I have to say that's not down to our DD in the main.But I've kept quiet on that one.She is the other grandma and I wish they would both eat humble pie and make up.
But the last argument - which she told me about unprompted-resulted in her suggesting again they went for counselling.To which he agreed.Now apparently both have backtracked and everything is 'fine' and when I suggested that this issue with his mum isn't great,and wouldn't it be best to bury the hatchet before the baby is born I got told it was none of my business.To which I replied well stop telling me the bad stuff and then not expecting me not to have an opinion.A huge row ensued.Its a mess really.I really think she is struggling to cope.However patience wears thin when I'm repeatedly told how I don't know what it's like to work and have children.This all kicked off because she had been unwell before Xmas,then had to work one shift.I sound resentful but blooming heck I did a similar job,more hours with 3 little ones and know I never took it out on my mum like this.Of course I love her but currently feel unable to spend anytime with her.Not what I envisaged,and we were always a close family.It's as if this fall out with his family has had a knock on effect on all of us.

paddyann Fri 28-Dec-18 14:29:05

She's obviously struggling ,she's NOT you and how she copes or not will be different from how you coped.She needs someone to rant at that wont take offence or judge and she thinks you are her go to person.Seems you dont understand that and thats sad.
I've always been my kids go to for a moan person and I just nod and agree in the appropriate place and NEVER give advice unless specifiaclly asked for .Even then I tell them it might be what I would do but they are under no obligation to do the same .Tell her you're finding the situation difficult but know she's having a bad time and that you'll be there for her and that you'll attempt to keep quiet and things will be fine .

oldbatty Fri 28-Dec-18 14:36:29

I would absolutely massively suggest you see a counsellor to offload and get some clarity and boundaries

FlexibleFriend Fri 28-Dec-18 14:37:35

It's hard but she's not you and what you found easy she might not. I worked full time throughout my pregnancy and find it hard that my Daughter in law is struggling so much with everything. No she's not the first person to be pregnant nor the first to struggle with it but the fact is she is. So all you can do is switch off and not take all the complaining to heart. It is what it is so just suck it up and be there for her, your her mum and someone has to be there and in this case it's you. You lucky person you. Seriously time to don your tin hat, make amends and just tell her you know she's having a hard time and tbh it's just as hard for you to stand aside and watch it.

Buffybee Fri 28-Dec-18 15:02:36

My Dd and DSil work full time and he works long hours, so I have always been very hands-on with helping with their three children.
After saying that, they treat me with the utmost respect and vice versa and if my Dd did tell me of any problems she had, I would be very sympathetic and 100% on her side.
There seems to be quite a few Grans, walking on egg shells with their Dd's and being made the unofficial "whipping boy", for all their woes.
Can you imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and you were being the nasty one. They wouldn't put up with it for one minute.
So that you can still be involved with the Gc, I would make myself scarce as far as your daughter is concerned but continue with the childcare.
If she does insist on you listening to an account of one of her arguments, in future, make non-commital sounds but offer no advice.

agnurse Fri 28-Dec-18 15:37:33

You can't dictate the relationship between two adults, namely her and her MIL. I'd suggest taking a HUGE step back and offering just tea and sympathy.

Washerwoman Fri 28-Dec-18 16:47:31

Thanks.To clarify regarding her MIL I have taken a huge step back ,believe me.I have listened but not told her what to do other than even if they can't have a good relationship MIL is also a grandma and it would be sad for her not to have time with the little one.I read of the sorrow of estranged grandparents and feel I'm not the only,or most important grandma despite their differences.And it was her that raised the issue of counselling and I just gently asked if it was still being considered.
But every little thing seems to cause irritation,only the other day she wanted me to go for a dog walk with her and as we parked up I asked really nicely if she wanted me to move her big handbag from the footwell to behind the seats as she was unstrapping DGD and I got my head bitten off. I spent the walk wishing I had never gone,close to tears.
I give up for now in that I need a lot if space from her. I really do.And if that's makes me a bad mother so be it.This has gone on even before she became a mum. And of course I won't withdraw completely,or not help with grandchildren but I do deserve respect.And yes I agree each situation is different,and just because I coped,my DH was consistently helpful and my MIL was lovely.But her sister also gets the hot and cold treatment recently,asked to have the little one only recently for 24 hoursin an emergency,then messages ignored and unanswered because she doesn't feel like talking to anyone and it is 'annoying'.
I sound unsympathetic, but honestly today I just needed to vent.

sodapop Fri 28-Dec-18 18:09:58

I think you both need to look at boundaries. Tell your daughter how her comments make you feel and try not to take everything to heart quite so much. One of my daughters can be like this but I only allow things to go so far before saying something. You wouldn't let anyone else treat you like this so why should your daughter ?