I'm not sure how to handle this ...

I’ve not experienced this so must be very lucky, my 2 x DIL’s go out of their way to include me in their lives ( as I did to my ex MIL). As you get to see your son on his own then, are you close enough to be able to chat to him about your feelings ? If there is an issue it could be calmly discussed ... but if there is no issue, isn’t it just common civility to be polite and respectful to your MIL who gave birth to the man you married ? Would she go out for lunch with you on her own for example, so that you can get to know each other ?

Maybe she thinks she is doing you a favour sending him to see you on his own, this does give you a chance to talk to him but be careful not to rock the boat too much. I suspect its another 'modern life' thing, she is busy has little time to herself and at present you are far down the list, her own mother probably finds it much easier to see her. Things often change when a baby turns up, just think you may soon be on here asking how to deal with childcare five days a week, stranger things happen!

Everyone is trying to read to much into this and also adding their own do on and gloom tales which are really not helping the poster of the thread. I think it is best to just go with the flow. Nobody can second guess what will happen. Just be there....welcome your son and always send kind regards to your daughter in law when he leaves to go home. X

Sorry predictive text. That should be doom and gloom

What sort of relationship would you like Canonly

I am in a similar situation although my dil is not totally against me but she has a very poor relationship, almost none at all, with her own mother.

I leave it to my son to encourage her to be more friendly, he's the one who can do it if anyone can.

She's polite enough when we meet as a family but makes no attempt to contact me or include me in anything. My son too often visits by himself because we have always been very close. Does she resent that I wonder? She's a very jealous person and may not like the bond between us.
I've heard this story so often now and think it boils down to the dil personality. Some women see their mil as rivals, crazy as that seems; some just want their partner all to themselves (usually those with a jealous streak.) In the end we have to accept the old saying, 'You can't like everyone, however hard you try'.
I hope it changes if children come along but if I were you, I'd explain to your boy just how much this hurts and then leave it to him.

One of our DDiL hardly ever comes to see us. I don't mind. Rather that than have her chomping at the bit to leave.
DS brings the DGC without her
She didn't choose us. She chose him.

How is it a modern trend, I do get tired of the older generation making sweeping generalisations.

If the daughter in law is polite and welcoming when you do see her then just try and chill. Maybe occasionally send a nice treat back with your son and your loving regards.

Also as you say she has a responsible job I assume she only has 2 days off on a weekend, she likes to see her parents, brothers and sisters. Yet alone spend time with her husband and lifelong friends.

Your son also spends time with you on a weekend unassuming at the same time she sees her family. Allowing them chance to spend time together after visiting parents.

Coconut: Yes it would seem that you are very fortunate with your DiLs and I'm pleased for you. I have spoken to DS about these difficulties and although he understands, what can he do? He loves her and as I feel he's between the proverbial rock and hard place I don't "labour the point" too much. I am just very grateful to get to see him (as I'm aware that lots of parents don't). I do totally agree with you though in that without us she wouldn't have him. And yes, I have actually been out with her (shopping/lunch) in the past but she's very 'closed off' and I ended up exhausted from trying to keep a conversation going. I guess reading everyone's comments, the best I can hope for and try to maintain is just a decent atmosphere when we do all get together and to hope that things improve when and if they have children.

Thanks luluaugust, to be honest I'm not sure she knows he comes to see us as it's usually on his way home from work and as she works shifts, she may not be expecting to see him. But I do agree that I definitely need to be careful, naturally he'll take his wife's part and I don't want to put him in a position where he ends up upset. Yes I agree about"modern life", things are very different to when my MiL was alive and we were young. I had to laugh as I agree, I might well become 'flavour of the month' if a DGC arrives! Such a shame, all of this though, I'm just incredibly grateful I have a good marriage and lovely, loyal friends.

Thanks Theoddbird, it's really nice that you've seen things from my point of view and it is actually quite interesting to read everyone's 'take' on my situation. I think you're absolutely right, I'm gonna stress-less about it from now on! Actually I think (now I've seen everyone's comments on here) I'll be able to go with the flow as I don't feel as if it's all somehow "my fault" like I did before posting on here. Very sensible and kind though - your comment about sending kind regards to her when he's leaving for home. Thank you so much X

Hi Oldbatty ... just a normal, family relationship tbh

BradfordLass: I'm sorry to hear this for you as well, strangely enough is a very similar situation with our DiL with regards to her own Mother and yes I tend to agree there may well be a touch of jealously in there somewhere. It really is crazy though that the natural love and bond between mother and soon can be misconstrued in such a silly way. I have told him on a couple of occasions that I wonder what I've done to upset her but he says I haven't done anything and that it's just how she is. I honestly think he might now actually prefer to come on his own, as he must surely feel a tad awkward when we're all together (and she's not bothering to make any effort)

Grammaretto: Really good point you've made there

Hi Momof3 - that's the problem, she isn't very and tends to stay out of the way. Her parents are about 100 miles away so she doesn't get to see them very often. I completely understand that she'll wish to see friends and get own family but what I can't understand is that there doesn't seem to be any 'slot' in her life for us at all. It's been months now since we last saw her (although as said, our son visits us alone). Unless I contact her via text message she wouldn't bother and even then often she simply doesn't respond. I'm very sorry to say that your assumptions that our son visits us at the weekend whilst his wife visits her parents are totally untrue, as mentioned above, he visits us on his way home from work. I guess I'm best to just accept the sad situation I'm in and just hope and pray that things improve in the years to come. I just want to enjoy a happy family life, with our DiL as part of it - not as an "appendage"

Just let it be ,be your usual charming self when you do see her so she has nothing to complain about.
Many young people find we oldies boring & because they weren't brought up as strictly as we were they can't be bothered making the effort to be polite, even busy people can text or ring

Seems you are making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. She married your son, not you. Presumably they are happy. You visit with your son regularly. She’s polite when she visits, however infrequently. Sounds like a fantastic IL relationship! She may be an introvert, or you or your husband may not be her cup of tea. If she has a stressful or highly responsible job, it makes sense she’s not looking to spend her time on anything she doesn’t 100% enjoy. Continue being friendly and welcoming, but treat her the way you would a co worker or neighbor and not have such high expectations. The more you push her or your son, the less appealing any future visits will be.

Thank you both (Ameliarose & OutsideDave) Yes Im gonna "just be me" from now on and it'll have to be what it turns out to be. Its been great hearing everyone's thoughts.

Thanks again to everyone whose taken the time and trouble to respond X

I wouldn't push it too much as you may drive her away even more if she is the type who needs more 'space.' My late MIL was quite pushy and her neediness made my skin crawl, sorry to have to admit that. I got to see her more when DH passed away which I think she appreciated until she got dementia. Then she didn't like any of us visiting but that's another story.

I agree with Outside Dave. I don't really see why you describe this as a 'sad situation' at all. It doesn't seem unusual and you are not being excluded or abandoned. Your son and his wife are healthy and seem to be making a good life for themselves. It all looks good from here.

I have same situation but i let it be... it doesnt affect my life not seeing her as im sure it doesnt affect your life. As long as your son/my son are seeing us why worry about an outsider?? Her loss i say

Hi Canonlytry. I'm sorry you're disappointed in your relationship w/ your DILs. We MILs are forever being told to try to develop our relationship w/ DIL, but some DILs just don't seem to want it. I'm getting the impression that you hoped it would be different w/ your 2nd DIL. But I think it's time to stop trying to make that happen and just accept things as they are.

It often seems when this happens, that either DIL is very close w/ her own family, feels she has "enough" family and friends, or doesn't have a good relationship w/ her own mum (and so probably doesn't want one w/ DH's mum). If DIL is as busy as you say, she may prefer to spend her free time w/ her own family, friends, or even just relaxing on her own. Maybe she doesn't know DS visits you, but perhaps she's glad he doesn't push her to join him.

Looking back, I had a more or less friendly relationship w/ my MIL and some good times along the way. But we never went out, just the two of us, and I don't think either of us would have enjoyed that. We were only together when we visited w/ each other as a family, and we were both happy w/ that. DH would sometimes stop by on his own after work, and a few times, my own DM suggested I join him w/ our DD. But I didn't b/c we had our routines, and b/c I didn't think MIL would appreciate my just falling in on her like that (the kids, she wouldn't mind, LOL!).

I get your concern that the issue may one day extend to GC. But I don't think that will happen unless there are some tensions between you and DIL that you haven't told us about or aren't aware of. While I didn't bring the GC over to my ILs when DH dropped in on them, they saw each other often and enjoyed a lovely GP/GC relationship. If you stay pleasant and accept things as they are, I'm sure you'll get to have a nice relationship w/ any GC that you may have through DS and DIL.

Glad to hear this thread has helped!

It is mostly how it is with the wives/partners of sons. It happened to us and ended badly. My son being the eldest and married before his sisters did I didn't realise that the modern woman has a very different attitude to in laws. Since my daughters have married they behave towards their in laws just as my d.i.l.did to us. The attitude is it's his family and he deals with them and I deal with mine. They have family do's but there's no takeing over the role a son played in his families life once he gets a wife. And why should there be? I think being a s.i.law is a walk in the park compared to the expectations we have for d.i.laws!

I don't think it is a sweeping generalisation to say that life for young couples is different to life 50 years ago. My friends and I'as young mothers' were expected to make every effort to get on with MIL and being busy was no excuse. Thinking about it my MIL was born in the Edwardian age. We were at home with our babies and toddlers and part of the week was to go and visit and drink tea! I sneakily admire how the "modern" DIL gets away with it. Mines lovely by the way, although I don't see her as often as I might like, like everybody else she is busy.