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Help please, husband problems

(123 Posts)
Pudding123 Thu 03-Jan-19 12:28:53

I have been married almost 37 years have one child now 34 who loves on her own.I always earned more than my husband about £6000 a year and always sorted all financial affairs but always had equal amounts of spends per month and what was left went to pay bills ect.I managed to save a few thousand pounds over the years he went out each week to the pub while I didn't as we had a child to look after.I took early retirement and was able to pay our mortgage off and put the rest away.He retired 3 years ago and things have gone from bad to worse is he gets up and dinner time after staying up late..He goes out every Friday and comes back p.....d.,last week he woke me up couldnt find his key then was ranting and raving until 4 in the morning the week before he somehow broke a shelf in my very robust fridge and couldn't explain how and woke me at 2 to tell me.I have had enough and can't live like this much longer but a friend has told me he will be entitled to half my savings and half our house.He gets state pension and a small works pension .I get a work's pension £100 per month more than his but don't get my state pension until 2020.I would really appreciate any advise .

Gran2028 Thu 03-Jan-19 12:59:08

Half an hour with a specialist divorce lawyer.
Nothing else will give you proper facts and figures and peace of mind.

EllanVannin Thu 03-Jan-19 13:23:42

Has he ever shown a tendency to be like this before retiring ?

HildaW Thu 03-Jan-19 13:32:14

Oh dear Pudding you are having a tough time. As another poster has stated the first thing you need to do is find out the facts of the situation - what your financial status will be. Then you need to have a good think about what you want. Do you want him to stay? If so there would appear to be lots of issues here. Your regular references to unequal financial status leads me to think this has always been a problem for you - or perhaps I'm reading too much into it. Would you prefer to set out on your own now? Find out the facts and perhaps have a chat with a trusted friend to help you see the wood for the trees.
As people always say, you cannot change another person....you can only change yourself.

Sparklefizz Thu 03-Jan-19 13:36:40

You need proper legal advice pudding Not wanting to frighten you, but a friend who was buying her house long before she married her 2nd husband, and who kept them financially afloat when he spent most of his money in the pub, had to sell her house and give him half plus half of her legacy from her mother, when she found out he was having an affair.

You need to know where you stand before you make any decisions.

Esspee Thu 03-Jan-19 13:51:15

In your circumstances I would be having a serious chat with him and give him an ultimatum, that is if you wish to save your marriage but there is nothing in your post to suggest a loving relationship still exists
Get proper legal advice and "get your ducks in a row" which refers to getting copies of all deeds, bank accounts, pensions etc. So that if you decide to part company you will have everything you need to ensure that the finances can be dealt with properly.
If your savings are in joint names then you might want to remove what you feel is yours and put it in your name until a legal decision is made.
P.S. You may be advised that you are entitled to 30 mins free advice from a solicitor. This is not the case though some solicitors do offer this.

FlexibleFriend Thu 03-Jan-19 14:18:49

Using a solicitor for divorce and going to court will probably cost in the region of £20,000. The starting point for division of assets is 50/50. If your income is greater and you have savings he can apply for half or more, the judge decides.
In my case I owned my property outright and it was in my sole name. I paid off the mortgage in full several years before I met him. He was earning in excess of £50k per year and I had taken early retirement due to ill health. He was awarded 25% of my property and I received 58K of his pension. I was told the fact I previously owned the house counted for nothing so the 58K of his pension went towards his pay off so in effect I got 20k of legal bills +125k I had to pay him less 58K which came from his pension leaving 87k to be found within 4 weeks. Not easy when you live on your pensions, and not receiving state pension till 2020. I took equity release and paid him off and pay the interest each year on the equity release. I'm actually far better off financially without him than I could have imagined and manage very well. It's hard to give up what you've worked so hard for but on the other hand being happy is so worth it.

Pudding123 Thu 03-Jan-19 14:49:31

Thank you all so much for your support.I can't really have a discussion with him ,in all years of marriage he just leaves the room in a huff he used to go back to his long suffering mother and just get drunk in his local pub (he treated his mother like diet and she was the first to admit she thought he was hateful.I have tried very hard over the years but think this crack can no longer be papered over.

mcem Thu 03-Jan-19 15:06:05

Maybe it's different in Scotland but the 50/50 division of assets applies to those assets acquired in the course of the marriage. Possibly entirely different but worth checking.
In my case because we were married young, that applied to everything but that isn't always the case.
I do agree that pension assets are included in the overall total.
You definitely need advice and I'd sort out savings and current accounts pdq!

Pudding123 Thu 03-Jan-19 15:13:03

I do have savings as always thought this day would come ,he has always squandered his and has had periods of unemployment is arguing with colleagues and walking out of jobs( never his fault lol) my sister told me years ago to put some savings in her name but I didn't think marital law would be so biased there must be lots of women in this position it doesn't seem fair.

FarNorth Thu 03-Jan-19 15:56:07

I think the law was set up that way as, at the time, women were likely to be in a worse financial position because of stopping work for childcare, as well as having lower wages in general.

FlexibleFriend Thu 03-Jan-19 16:07:20

No point in trying to hide your savings either as the courts will demand to see at least a years worth of statements for every account you have.

MissAdventure Thu 03-Jan-19 16:12:20

He probably thinks you'll never do anything about him, so thinks he is still sitting pretty.
It is really unfair about the work you've put in, but then sometimes things just are unfair, and you have to get past that, for your own good. You meaning 'one'.

luluaugust Thu 03-Jan-19 16:20:06

You do seem to have had a hard time over the years, I would get some legal advice just so you have a better idea where you stand and then you can think things over.

Pudding123 Thu 03-Jan-19 16:27:59

Thanks again for all your support i am just dreading tomorrow night's drunken episode i always take myself off to bed about 10.00 before he comes back from the pub in the hope he won't disturb me .I think I will see solicitor but am not hopeful

Riverwalk Thu 03-Jan-19 16:28:31

I know your husband has been the spender and drinker but I'd say that a 50/50 split is the most reasonable after 37 years of marriage.

You've earned a bit more over the years but that's so in many marriages; you both have small works pensions; and you have saved a few thousand, so we're not talking huge sums. Obviously your house must be worth much more than you paid all those years ago, but I can't see why you think your husband should get less a share than you, as galling as that may be! I wouldn't like to a woman receive less on account that she earned less, which is usually the case.

I'd caution against running-up legal bills trying to get a bigger share.

How you actually extricate yourself from the marriage is another matter, and that's why you need legal advice.

Luckygirl Thu 03-Jan-19 16:33:21

Two aspects here:
1. Do you want to part from him? I am assuming you do.
2. Legal advice - get your free half an hour and rhen take it from there.

Humbertbear Thu 03-Jan-19 16:57:15

You can’t put up with these drunken episodes. You need to talk to him when he is sober and tell him he either stops drinking or he has to leave. Your GP will be able to refer him to local charities and services that can provide counselling and support. The real issue is do you want to stay with him at all? All things being equal, would you prefer a divorce? You may have to accept a financial loss in order to have a peaceful retirement. But it might be worth it.

sodapop Thu 03-Jan-19 20:14:32

Humbertbear makes some good points Pudding . Get some legal advice initially then get your ducks in a row and sort out a separation at least. Sadly life is not fair and you may take a financial hit but it has to be better than living as you are now.

Jalima1108 Thu 03-Jan-19 21:06:26

I think you posted about this before Pudding and I'm sorry things are no better.

You do need some legal advice to find out how your financial situation will stand if you separate - it's no good carrying on like this and being miserable throughout your retirement and living in fear of his 'episodes'.
Unless he changes which doesn't sound very likely.

Good luck

Joelise Thu 03-Jan-19 21:20:36

My DD is a divorce lawyer, please make sure that you get the best lawyer, ask friends and acquaintances if they can recommend someone, and employ the best , it will pay off in the long run . Good luck Pudding .

PINKY57 Thu 03-Jan-19 22:48:49

Pudding , did you get anywhere, I am in the same situation as you, I have a 33 year old son whoo is married.I dread every evening when my husband comes home. I am retired with a £480 private pension every month, would dearly love to leave but am scared of being on my own at 61.

crazyH Thu 03-Jan-19 23:43:32

I had nothing when he left me.....no job, nothing and with no prospect of a decent pension because I did not 'work'.
But I had a good divorce lawyer, who got me a fairly decent settlement including alimony. The only mistake my solicitor made was to not inflation proof it.
I could go back to court, but it's too much of a hassle and more money for lawyers (no offence to Joelise's DD ) 😂

TwiceAsNice Fri 04-Jan-19 00:28:33

I left after 42 years . My divorce through court because he was so difficult cost me £10000 . I gave up my right to any pension share ( he had more than twice as much pension as me) and took a lump sum just to be rid of him( he bought me out of our house mortgage paid) I had to reequip a house from scratch I left with practically nothing but it was all worth it for my freedom and the happiness I have now.

Do get a good solicitor my first one tried to charge me for stuff he should have done but hadn't, and what he did do he did badly. The second solicitor was marvellous and worth every penny. Good luck you only have one life don't spend it in a miserable marriage

dbDB77 Fri 04-Jan-19 00:34:22

I divorced my alcoholic husband when our children were still in school. He was very nasty and fought for his share of the assets - if it hadn't have been for me there wouldn't have been any assets - long painful episode - financially very difficult but it was all worth it - especially gaining peace of mind and a nice atmosphere at home. The children are now grown up and are lovely people - I'm now remarried and very happy.
I sympathise with your situation - take the advice of Gnetters and see a lawyer. My advice is look to the future - it's never too late - and when you have a new better life leave any bitterness behind - peace of mind is worth more than money. Good luck - my thoughts and good wishes are with you.