Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

Why can't you tell him to get his act together don't push food around

sarahcyn, great understanding post. My brother was one who couldn't be "launched" and it took years for us to realise he was suffering major anxiety about things other people just get on with. Outwardly he seemed ok but internally he was a complete mess. I think a lot of young males suffer from this but it isn't very manly to say so. We have to look beyond the surface and at 26 he isn't exactly old!

Its one thing to support our adult children in times of difficulty, its quite another to be treated like a skivvy in one's own home. I'm sorry but I would not be allowing this to happen in my house. If there is no evidence of illness either physical or mental then the stepson would pull his weight or leave.

Good post sarah.

Please can I say something in this thread.
I've had a lot of experience with my own "failure to launch" 20-something and I'd beg the OP to be firm (not being a dogsbody) but also patient.
My son was like this for years, he dropped out of uni 3 times, he had no friends, he was virtually unemployable despite never having got into trouble with the law, or messed with drugs. Though he refused treatment at the time he now accepts that he went through years of clinical depression and I'd say it was possible the OP's stepson is in a similar place. I feel for you, but also for your husband and in particular his son who may be hating himself inside.
It's really hard for people who have well-adjusted, self-starter ACs to grasp what it feels like to see your own child simply go into a shell for months and years, living an isolated life, never coming out of their room except for meals (if you're lucky) and contributing very little or nothing to the running of the home. Many people understandably say things like "throw him out", "make rules", "make him pay rent" but have no suggestions as to how to make this happen.
The best you can do sometimes is to keep a safe space for them to live in, make sure they have food, and keep encouraging them to get involved with anything that might help but bear in mind nothing much will work that they have not initiated themselves: it's the old "the person has to want to change" problem.
Having said that I'd suggest you identify a small number - maybe just one or two - specific jobs in the home which he has to do at specific times. OK so he won't clean his own room but he could be responsible for vacuuming the living room every Friday afternoon, for example. Hold him to it. Thank him graciously when he does it.

I would just say to him you are going away for a bit of a holiday, don't tell him where or for how long and just go. Then when you are away think about your future do you want to fight this or end the marriage.

Oh boy can I relate to this! My Stepson is also 26 and moved back in with us at the end of January after the breakdown of his relationship. He has three children; a step daughter aged 7, a daughter aged 4 and a son aged 2. They come every other weekend. Not only is he a lazy slob, he just abdicates all responsibility for the children to my husband and I. We actually can’t throw him out (it’s complicated and because of the children) but every other weekend our entire weekend is taken up with the kids. The children aren’t actually the problem, they’re hard work, but it’s his ungrateful and entitled attitude that’s the problem. He can’t be prevailed upon to tidy his room and it is a festering cess pit. He rarely works, pays no board and is monumentally inconsiderate. I have come to the conclusion that stressing about it is counterproductive. Easier said than done, but try to let it go unless you are willing to risk your marriage. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discuss it with your husband, but try to discuss it in a reasonable without accusations and blame, maybe that way you come to some agreement and a plan that works for all of you. Good luck

He sounds like he’s suffering from depression in everything you say about him. My son is mid thirties and still lives with me as do two of my not much younger daughters and I love the company, so not complaining, however when their dad died Christmas 2017 my son changed. He tries to put on a brave front and be his usual self but he’s withdrawn, his room is a mess and he doesn’t socialise. For him it’s his way of dealing with grief, his dad was a major part of his life with three sisters and the only man he could talk freely to. I do his washing, as well as my daughters and I change the sheets because without a little help he’d sink even further.
Talk to you husband and him together, ask for a ‘house meeting’ to discuss how you all feel but leave any animosity behind because depression is awful and criticism only makes it even worse.

It seems to me that whilst you have let them both get away with things it has gotten worse. Stop doing your husbands cooking washing ironing and stick to it, tell him how you feel put it in writing if needs be.

I wonder how "on board" the OP was with stepson moving in from the start. It could be why the DH refuses to discuss it or turns the blame on her. We only have one side of the story.
If it were my husband, I would be asking what he wants for his son in the long run and ask him to draw up a plan for that to happen. I'd try to do it without major criticism because, as a parent, I feel compelled to defend my child much more than I would anyone else. I think going from a position of how can "we" help him might be far better than "this AC is driving me mad and I don't want him here." If you were my better half, moving out would just make me think you were trying to make me choose between my son and you, which doesn't make you look like the better person.
Twice I've had step-children (with their families) home to live with us and my husband is the nicest of people, but his children come first, as do mine so I fully understand it. In each case it has been their partners who have driven us mad so we helped them step back out into their own private space. I suspect your stepson is worried about how he'd cope so it is easier to stay put.

Stop feeding him , tell your husband its him or you and clean up his room throwing all the stinky clothes in a black bag, and put it out for the binmen.
Take back your power.
I like the idea of going away for a week by yourself.
Who owns the property ?
Febreeze is full of chemicals that disrupt your body.

Its not really about the bad habits its about the fact that you don't come first with your husband. That would be ok if the child was 2 but at 26 it's just disrespect.
If you work and are independent perhaps it's time to be on your own and not being a housekeeper to 2 men who don't care for you at all.

Our son has returned home after being in his flat for two years he's no bother and trying to save for his own house but as you say it has to be what you all want. I hasten to add I do cooking and washing for him as I'm his mam and don't mind he got up this morning changed his bed and room immaculate and we do all get on so... It's horses for courses our home will always be his.

Can anyone suggest an over the counter medication that would boost my imagination.
I feel that I am being left far behind!
I have tried the Chemists Shop thread ( fully realising that I will be again reported by the more responsible of you for x referencing other threads ) but to no avail.

Aha! Found my post - for some reason there was a large white gap in the thread which has now rectified itself

My post seems to have bern removed. Is it possible for someone to give me some feed back as to why, please?

Aw his somebodies son, wish my son was alive so I could tell him off for leaving his room n a mess and to use the shower a bit more.
Instead I have his lovely d our gd who leaves her bedroom in a mess, uses the shower a lot but leaves that in a mess too.
Happy days .......

Have I missed something ?but what financial support do you get for being 'mum' to H's son.

If you feel you can't move out, initially, then try withdrawing all services for both the son and your husband until a suitable solution is found. So, only shop, cook and wash for yourself and see what happens.

Lot of good advice given. I think most are saying move out and leave turn to it. I do think you should seek legal advice. I have a feeling that you are not in the UK though. Is there an equivalent of the free advice unit we have called The Citizen's advice bureau?

I'm with Paddyann on this my sons will always have a home here should they need it. I have one son coming back to me in May while he sorts himself out are returning from overseas. He's welcome to stay as long as he wants. I really don't understand how else I could feel but for the OP I think you all need to have a very matter of fact conversation with all 3 of you present. I found when my ex was here he tended to leave me out of conversations between me and his kids, giving me an abridged version later whereas me and my kids tended to include him in the conversation. I never considered leaving because it was/is my house. His way of dealing with things good or bad caused all kinds of issues unnecessarily. His kids were ok just a bit immature for their age but he treated them like children when they were mid 20's. I always thought he painted me as the bad guy in everything which definitely rankled when I was doing my best to treat them all equally. What you should do definitely depends on who owns what and how you feel about your husband and we can't advise without knowing those two things. Good luck whatever you decide.

Supporting adult offspring doesn’t mean allowing them to leach off you forever. Sometimes tough love is required to help them find their way in the world.
I experienced this with one of my DSS when he moved in with us for about a year after dropping out of his final year at Uni. The situation was very stressful all round. Thankfully, he sorted himself out and now is a high flyer in London but more importantly, is a lovely, kind and very capable young man who I love just as much as my own son.
The OP’s situation is completely different because her DH isn’t working with her as a team to support the adult DS. He sounds abusive and controlling so in the OP’s situation, I’d be visiting a lawyer to find out where I stand financially and then I’d make my move.

Your stepson needs to have a chance of being a man ...his father is emasculating him .

Your tolerance level is almost self-abuse Paddyann....my son was 20 and he’d been smoking since 16 .... I gave him an option...give up the fags or give up a comfortable soft-option home with his non - smoking parents and non-smoking sister with extreme asthma!! He couldn’t or wouldn’t give them up. He left! Our relationship has never been better...he looks after himself...he cooks..launders..cleans himself and his flat and works full time! It made a man of him! Rowan55 ...kick him out...if husband complains put your boot up his backside...tell him he can join his stinky son !!

A variety of advice and suggestions have been offered. I wonder if your husband may actually be overwhelmed with anxiety about the situation ( and maybe guilt over thinking he has failed his son in some way in the past). Maybe his anxiety doesn't allow him to talk to you sensibly about the situation as he is terrified of losing you or his son or both?
I doubt that giving an ultimatum or renting your own place would lead to a proper resolution of the issue.
It sounds as though you and your husband need to be on the same page first (and it was not fair of him to discuss plans with his son in a way that excluded you from the decision making). It needs the two of you to talk in a cooperative, not confrontational, way. Maybe this would be easier with counselling. If that's not an option for you, an approach might be for you to try to get time alone with your husband in a relaxed situation and start by saying something along the lines of you being a bit unhappy/concerned but you are also confident that two intelligent. loving people like the two of you can find a solution together. Maybe say (even through gritted teeth), that you want to make it very clear you are not going to ask him to make a choice between supporting you or supporting his son - that may take enough stress off him to allow him to open up.
Explain you want to do the best for his son too and all three of you deserve to be happy and stress-free. Explain that staying with you may not actually be in the best interests of his son, but whatever happens needs to be a joint decision.
If you and your husband get onto the same page, it should be easier for all three of you to have a calm discussion about the future and what rules need to be applied if your stepson is staying a while longer.
Legal matters of who owns the house, other financial arrangements, any wills you have drawn up, and any issues of possible mental health concerns for your stepson might have to be looked at.
Good luck.

paddyann
I admire your stance, I really do and I've always felt that you can divorce your husband, make new friends but you can never cut yourself off from your children...ever. A mother's love forgives everything but forgets nothing. We may hate what they sometimes do but love always underlies the help we offer.
This, however, is not the OP's son and she doesn't have the same connection.
Personally, I'd hate to skivvy after an AC, mine or not but this isn't my life.
The OP's DH obviously enjoys having another male in the house and, as it's his son, is bound to have a biased opinion.
Mess is anathema to many people and there is nothing in the OP to suggest that the son has any issues with his health.
I think he should clean up his act as it isn't his home, just a temporary? extended stay. Why let your children behave in a manner which would cause concern if it was a lodger?