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Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

(139 Posts)
Rowan55 Sat 12-Jan-19 17:52:47

My husband's 26 year old son has lived with us for 2 years, after his mom threw him out. He works, but has appalling table manners, very poor personal hygiene, and keeps his room like a pigsty...it stinks of stale body odour,sweat and dirty clothes. My husband believes that as long as he "is happy" we should be pleased. I have now been informed by my husband that he and his son have "talked" about what he is going to do in March but it seems I am not party to this information, he alluded to his son staying longer and will not discuss it further. I am now at the point of looking for alternative accommodation myself. Any ideas or experience of this, I feel at a loss !

mumofmadboys Sat 12-Jan-19 17:56:49

Do you do his washing or does he do his own? Likewise cleaning his room and changing his bed. Can you have a gentle chat with him and offer to help him sort his room a bit and suggest he airs his room each day?

mumofmadboys Sat 12-Jan-19 17:57:26

Why did his mum throw him out?

Rowan55 Sat 12-Jan-19 18:00:38

Tried that, he just shrugs his shoulders and laughs.

jenpax Sat 12-Jan-19 18:01:08

What was the agreement when he first moved in as I presume this wasn’t intended to be a long term arrangement? Why has he not moved out yet? He is 26 and working is there any reason he can’t find his own accommodation? Are you cooking washing for him etc? Possibly you have made the home too comfortable for him? I would consider a frank discussion with your husband stating that you are finding the situation as it is completely intolerable etc and that he needs to address the situation.

Rowan55 Sat 12-Jan-19 18:01:28

All of the above reasons I have given.

Jomarie Sat 12-Jan-19 18:05:58

I am sorely tempted to suggest that you do exactly that - ie look for alternative accommodation for yourself. If you are in the position to be able to rent a furnished flat on a short term tenancy (ie six months) then maybe this is the wake up call they both need - if it doesn't result in your desired response then at least you have made a first step to being independant and without the hindrance of two males who are unwilling to respect your role in their lives.
A trite answer but without you answering many questions about your situation and your feelings about your husband this is the best I can do -hmm

Rowan55 Sat 12-Jan-19 18:07:02

My husband just takes his side everytime, I don't do anything for him at all and t the agreement was that he would look after his own washing etc. However, my husband treats him like a child and doesn't want to be the parent. H e had out stayed his welcome at his mum's despite her deadlines for him to move and I think that it what he will do here too. I have tried to have direct discussions with my husband to no avail, he has a clever way of turning it around to bring me at fault every time.

Rowan55 Sat 12-Jan-19 18:08:49

Not trite at all, and you have described exactly how I feel,thank you.

Jomarie Sat 12-Jan-19 18:17:39

Go for it - take back control of your life "don't let the buggers get you down" - an old saying that my Granny used to use - maybe not politically correct nowadays but sums up many a situation including this one!!! grin

Lynne59 Sat 12-Jan-19 18:40:23

At 26, he's a grown man. His room is his own, and you don't need to go in there. Does he go to work? Pay you any rent? What does he do around the house?

Elegran Sat 12-Jan-19 19:04:43

Tell your husband exactly what you said above - that he treats his son like a child but doesn't want to be the parent, and that you have had enough of being mummy to a child of 26, so you are planning to move out for a while and let him do all the mothering.

Then do it.

mumofmadboys Sat 12-Jan-19 19:07:48

If you do that you may finish the marriage. Go easy.

MissAdventure Sat 12-Jan-19 19:08:00

Book yourself a week away in a lovely little guest house.
Breakfast served every morning, whilst you peruse the paper...
Leave them to it for a while.

Rowan55 Sat 12-Jan-19 20:03:30

Thankyou for your help, I have been mulling this over for ages prior to today. Wise words indeed from all of you, am exploring my options, and will not do anything in haste, but enough is enough, and the beggars are getting me down.

Grammaretto Sat 12-Jan-19 20:11:35

2 years!!! You have put up with this cuckoo far too long.
I wouldn't have lasted a month.
We host young people for working holidays and get to know quite a few. I often select people whose reviews describe them as thoughtful and tidy!
I inwardly thank their parents mothers for bringing them up so well.
Occasionally we get one who hasn't a clue how to keep themselves or their room clean.
They don't last long. I tell them it's not working out and sorry they had better look for another host. They are surely a parasite, like your young man.

BradfordLass72 Sat 12-Jan-19 20:15:49

The very fact that your partner treats you with such disdain is a red flag.
Not consulting you, not taking your wishes into consideration? But expecting you to do all the work in patient silence?
That's abuse - and if you Google 'abuse wheel' you will see it's not just black eyes and broken limbs on there.

Do you want to leave permanently, with all that will imply?
If you're leaving as a bluff to bring husband to heel and get his son out, be aware it may not work in your favour.
That's your big decision.

From what I read, there's more than a stinky son causing problems; rational discussion with your husband simply gets nowhere.

A lot of hard thinking on your part now, not just about Old Stinky, but about what YOU want from life.

Luckygirl Sat 12-Jan-19 20:23:12

I do not think it is just about your son. You have a husband who does not work together with you as a team, but who is in cahoots with his son. This is your home too and he cannot organise the future of your "lodger" without involving you. That is fundamentally wrong, and personally I would tell him so.

What is your financial interest in the home? Who does it belong to?

paddyann Sat 12-Jan-19 20:25:22

does the son have mental health issues? My son came home after his relationship broke up,his room was exactly how you describe this young mans .Frankly he couldn't have cared less about anything except his baby daughter .After we got the access sorted , decorated a room for her and she was here for half the week he perked up but it took a long time for him to sort his life out.She's still her ,he's living with a new partner and the baby who is almost 10 stays part of the time with them..but this is still her home.There will be a reason he's like this ,maybe his dad knows more than he's saying

paddyann Sat 12-Jan-19 20:29:55

Can I add that there is nothing that would make me turn my back on either of my children ,and I admire any man who will do the same .

dogsmother Sat 12-Jan-19 20:48:30

Entirely my thoughts your children are your children forever not lodgers to kick out a5 a set age and I do think that I would take mine in til my dying days. I do however know they have respect. I currently have two adult children still living at home trying to save enough for deposits on their own homes.

sodapop Sat 12-Jan-19 20:56:24

The main problem seems to be the lack of respect by Rowan's husband, he has not talked any of this through with her. How can the issues be resolved if he treats her like this.
I agree with Luckygirl its your home too Rowan .

Grammaretto Sat 12-Jan-19 21:08:56

I didn't mean to sound harsh but someone has to take a stand because if the issue is not adressed, nothing will happen
He's 26, he works and probably has a social life. He doesn't annoy your husband who can't see the problem
You find him intolerable. There may be an underlying problem in the marriage but while you are focussing on the young man, you will be unable to look at your own relationship clearly.
I wasn't suggesting you made him homeless but what good would it do you leaving your home. It would make them both feel very guilty and not solve anything.

BlueBelle Sat 12-Jan-19 22:16:40

Does this not say more about your love or not of your husband I think It’s a really difficult situation for you but your husband obviously wants to support his son but is scared to include you as he knows you are so upset and annoyed about it If you really could consider moving out is your marriage that strong?
Can you not set some ground rules, completely blitz the room and take over bunging his stuff in the washing machine once or twice a week that’s what I d do but I don’t think you like this young man at all and are resentful of his arrival which is understandable but is it really worth breaking up your marriage over
Bradfordlass the poster has said she does nothing for the son so your sentence expecting you to do all the work is not actually factual
I think this young man is the test of your love for your husband
Good luck as I can’t see him going anywhere

holdingontometeeth Sat 12-Jan-19 22:25:10

Febreeze works wonders, though I would add that there are other brands available.