Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

I gather the son is your STEPson and from a previous relationship of your husbands. It sounds like the son is not the Cuckoo, in their eyes, maybe.
Both your husband and stepson do not respect your opinion on the situation...or respect you by the sound of it. The relationship with your husband sounds less than secure.
You have choices including - stay and tolerate, seek professional advice regarding your marriage and also the option to leave. The latter is not advisable unless other avenues have been explored.
All this is pure speculation on my part and I may have got the wrong rnd of the stick. But if anything on this Gransnet post resonates, I think I would be serking some relationship guidance, at least, because your stepson might be the symptom of a bigger issue

The son has obviously been behaving in this way when he lived with his mother, as she washed her hands of him and threw him out. With hindsight it would probably have been a good idea to have had a few ground rules in place when he first came to live with you and his father, so that you could have enforced some of them before it reached this stage with yourselves. All the while your husband is in cahoots with his son these problems won't go away. Perhaps you could have some counselling with Relate to try and resolve some issues regarding this situation, if your husband won't go with you, you can still go on your own to this and hopefully get some advice on how this can be resolved or at least move forward in some way.

@Rowan55 I really feel for you. My husband’s son was living with us at the same age. He was working. His room was filthy. I’ll never forget the crispy socks littering the floor. As well as the lack of hygiene, we also had random women arrive during the night. One stole my ring. Luckily it was cubic zirconia. My husband worked long hours so I was the one who had to cope with him. One day I found drugs and binned them. I also had my 11 year old daughter living with us and when he showed her his new intimate piercing I told my DH enough was enough. The difference was that DH supported me. We found him a bedsit. Gave him food, no money and he turned his life around apart from running up debts. Standing on his own two feet made all the difference to his attitude. He emigrated a couple of years later and has been self sufficient ever since. We were plagued with debt collectors for years afterwards though! Your DH’s support for you is the key and without it you may need a plan B.

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It's really your call as nothing we say can make up your mind. You are the one living the 'nightmare.
Lots of sound advice but one thing to remember. The decision you make might alter the rest of your life, for better or worse and there will be no going back on that decision as it would be thrown back in your face every time you argued.
Your home isn't a hotel and you need to ensure that your OH/DH understands that his son laughing at you is, in fact, belittling you, saying that what you ask if him is of no consideration...in other words, 'stuff you'.
Perhaps you could stay with your family for 2 weeks after telling your husband that you need a break or plan 2 weeks away with him.
When you return, the state of the house will tell you what you need to do next but in any case, plan carefully. You don't say if you work, what your finances are, who owns the house, whether you have your own car, whether your husband works or if the son pays his way.
Meantime, stop cooking his meals, stop clearing any mess he leaves in the rest of the house including the bathroom and make no excuses for your views on his slobby son.
While you keep on doing what you're doing, nothing will never alter.
I wish you luck and strength to make a choice that suits you.

Son has learned his behaviour from Dad by the look of it. I'd think hard about your future with these two. They sound hopeless.

We had the same attitude from DH's son, but otherwise the situations were not comparable, because DH and I were in agreement about not putting up with this sort of behaviour.

I think you need to tell your husband that you are at the end of your tether about this. However unreasonable he and his son may find your attitude, you are entitled to your opinion and entitled to think that a 26 year old living in your home should wash himself and his clothes often enough to be pleasant company, air his room daily and clean it thoroughly once a week.

It sounds to me as if you are fast approaching the stage where you will tell your DH that either his son goes or you do, unless your stepson begins behaving like an adult not a teenager.

ReallyMabon people in your world dont support their children? What a horrible world you inhabit.I'll be their mother until the day I die and after so why wouldn't I support them through times of trouble or hardship?
No wonder the worlds in the mess it is with "mothers" and fathers who cant offer support to the people they gave birth to!

Who does the house belong to? Don't move out if it is your house or even if it is half your house. Be careful

You have a number of options suggested, not an easy task.

Another point to bear in mind when considering all the options is, if you persuade your husband or he decides that the son should go, your husband will be forever torn between the two, maybe blaming you, even though it is not you who throws him out. And you have to carry on living with this as backstory, which won’t be easy.

My daughter married a man like your husbands son!
Whatever anyone does he will not change his ways and is in his 40s now,so not likely to change.
Like your husband,I can only think that she loves him despite his many failings.
As others have said, you can't change them, only how you react to them.And if all else fails then consider if you'd be better off out of it.

I gather he is your STEPson and you are your husband’s second wife.
This makes more sense of the fact you seem not to be respected by either of them.
As others have stated, if neither of them takes you seriously, you need to examine your relationship with your husband. He doesn’t sound like he will change. Decide if the price of staying in the relationship is worth it. If not, considerypur options including a PLANNED withdrawal from the situation.
Good luck.

I was in a similar situation. Husbands son( aged in his 20's) made my life hell, he spent years trying to split us up. I finally got evidence that the son was a liar and there was a tremendous argument between husband and the son, son left house. The son still had a key so I packed all his belongings up which made him move out. SUCCESS!

I feel very sorry for you, Rowan55. There has been some good advice given here and I hope you consider it carefully, work out your own feelings and then take whatever course of action you decide is best for YOU. Maybe if you have close family or good friends you might want to talk it over with them but do not let these two men manipulate you or make you feel guilty in any way ... any respect you have for your husband and his son has to be earned by them. Good luck, whatever you decide.

I met one if these overindulgent mothers at a busstop once. She said she wanted her 40yr old son to move out and meet someone? Really?
How is that going to happen when she was on an errand for her son while he was lounging around at her house.
I think OP is in America because she used mom rather than mum. So she's probably not seen these replies yet.

These women and men who say they would stand by their sons whatever need a kick in the backside. Men who behave as badly as this one need to find a flat

I don’t think this son has mental health problems. Remember his Mum threw him out. Also he knows he has got his father’s support as his response when op spoke to him was to shrug his shoulders and laugh.

Your husband seems to have some guilt about this son by saying everything is ok as long as he is happy. Does he have guilt about leaving his first marriage and making the son unhappy or did he miss the son and wants him to live with you at all costs.

I don’t really understand where What happens in March comes into this, was their agreement he would leave in March?

If you are going to spent money on accommodation for yourself, better to help the son with accommodation costs near by where his father can visit him

Could I point out my two adult offspring at home saving for deposits to buy their own homes are not “ revolting 40ish”
I believe that could be a whole other can of worms.
The problem OP has is blended families and lack of respect for her.

Exactly it Loreli. The men in this situation really are taking the piss and Rowan sounds like a downtrodden woman. This is no way to live, shake up the household and get the men to respect you and their home. Why should Rowan live in a smelly house with a man with BO. This is her home and it is thoroughly unpleasant for her. Suggestions that she should clean the 26 year olds room and wash his clothes would be her treating him as a child too. He needs to grow up, show respect and get independent. He must be a horrible work colleague, stinky. Ugh,

If you move out you could make life very difficult for yourself as you would then be the one walking away from the marriage. You need a strategy to get the cuckoo to leave but I seriously doubt whether it will happen when his own father is enabling him to live like a dependent child.

If the son doesn’t have mental health issues or depression then he needs to be told quite firmly that it’s time he stood on his own two feet. By all means support him but allowing this situation to continue isn’t doing him any favours and it certainly isn’t doing you any good. It’s all very well being advised to keep out of his room, open the windows etc but what about the appalling table manners? I, personally, would find that very difficult. Sorry to say this but maybe he’s been over indulged all his life and never been taught the basics. If his own mother has had enough then something in this young man needs to change and just ignoring it isn’t the answer. Your husband needs to value you more and listen to you. If not, then think about your marriage and how important it is to you.

My DS, Aspergers and chronic deptession, has tried non-stop to find a job, with no success. He spent 4 years in care 6=9 and then spent the next 7 years with MIL. When he left school, he moved in with us and his room, formerly our home office, became a tip. Every so often, we go through a bit of a declutter, but he'll never be tidy, try as I may. But he supports me with caring for my DH and Grandma, and he's the most loving, adorable son you could hope for (OK, so apart from the state of his room - it's his room, he does have problems with personal care issues, but given reminders and help, he accepts the advice). I don't want him to become one of those revolting live-at home 40-ish mummy's boys, but will miss him dreadfully when he does move out. Maybe your DH feels the same way about his son. If you can't live with your men, maybe you should be the one to move out. Sorry, but maybe your stepson has mental health or other problems, and needs just a bit of love, understanding and support,which it sounds like he's getting from his dad.

Can I suggest couples counselling?
This is a very common issue in my practice, and the all the practical and emotional factors underlying this, need to be made conscious and talked about.
It is infuriating and frustrating for the partner of the biological parent, who is probably full of anxiety about losing their child, but just as frustrated.

Inconsiderate husband has helped bring up an inconsiderate son. Try sitting them down together and telling then exactly how you feel no holds barred but as calmly as you can. Then see if either or both of them have any adequate response as in how they are going to smarten up their acts. Don't make any ultimatums just see what they have to say and then make your mind up afterwards re action on your part.

Blended families can have an extra level of tension within them.