Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

So, his room stinks of body odour. He works. Can't you go in the room, remove bedding/dirty clothes and put them through the washing machine. Return it all to the room (no ironing!) Hang the wet clothes in the room to dry if necessary. Open the window for a few minutes.

Buy him some soap and deodorant.

Put his dinner out at a different table to yours. Preferably a different room. Or, even better, hand him a ready meal to prepare himself.

Was there anything else? Nothing insurmountable there.

Rowan are you still around?

Daughter discovered after 40 plus years with no idea he had one. Her family are just not our kind of people but we don't want to upset them or mine. Happy to meet now and again but they want more.

I hope rowan55 has sorted her plans by now...i was late coming to this post but hope was able to help..and i agree with others that this son seems to have inherited his fathers attitudes to women- just seems a trite point to make but the sons own mum threw him out,and also she clearly wanted out of her marriage to his dad- men arent divorced for next to to nothing- and the sons following in his footsteps if he ever moves out& gets a wife.

He sounds like he doesnt recognise the fact most people wash/shower/ change each day- or notice the state of his room or clothes or even recognise its a problem(could there be underlying ASD issues his parents arent revealing to anyone else?or burying their head in the sand over all these years?if i were you id 'invent' a friend whose rung you& needs help for a week or two as shes 'had a fall' or whatever- & lives a bit away so you have to go stay.Then book yourself a small holiday& see how they get on

Jaycee5

It's up to the discretion of the PO.

Does he pay rent? That would be my first concern.
He's been with you for 2 years. And obviously you're not happy with that. You must insist on having a conversation with his father, explaining the problems you have with him living you.
But I wouldn't suggest a it's him or me talk. Your husband might say, 'It's YOU!' And where do you go from there?
You must resolve this! You can't be expected to live for the rest of your life with this situation.
Good luck!

Sodapop , I wholeheartedly agree with you ! I also think his father needs to get his act together !

Dogsmother , did you read the thread ? He's not her son and he moved in when he was 24 after his mother threw him out !

Mine were always immacutely clean in theselves, sparkly and very socially aware too - it was just their rooms! The rooms got thoroughly tidied and cleaned every three weeks or so - but if I suggested that it was easier to tidy daily they said they preferred to do it their way!

None of them are like it now they have their own houses

I really don't understand the latitude given to the poster's step son by some people. We are talking about a man of 26 not a teenager. Time he got his act together and started giving some thought to others. A lot of men at 26 have a home and family they are responsible for.

My thought too Jaycee!

GabriellaG54 Aren't postal orders paid for when they are bought? Not cashing it is like throwing cash away.

Good thinking Niobe glad it worked for you too. Jalima1108 they all have to learn when teenagers to self care, tidy up and be socially clean too.

There's no way on earth that I would have ever cleaned up after my AC but then, they were all (bar 1) away working at 16. The last one left at 18. They've never had reason to return other than to visit for a couple of days and I can, without fear of contradiction, say that their homes are impeccable and they cook clean and divvy up housework between themselves and their husbands/ wives but our sons have always preferred to do their own laundry to their own high standard.
Yes, they have children, yes some have a couple of dogs and yes, in 4/5 cases both parties work full time.
After the first paycheck was received by the oldest, I got a letter with a postal order for half of it to 'help with my bills'.
I never cashed it.
It's too precious.
IMO, teaching them social and self responsibility as they grow up, pays dividends to both parents and child.

Once we were married my husband and I did not have his or my children, we had 'our' children, which meant that when they lived with us we had an equal say in their upbringing and welfare. This young man is 26 and has lived in THEIR home - not her just her husband's or hers, but presumably a home that was jointly theirs - for 2 years now and therefore Rowan 55 has the perfect right to have her say over what happens in the home. If this young man is smelly, untidy and has bad table manners then she has the right to tell him. She should also be privy to his 'plans' if they involve how long he will be staying in their house. I do wonder how good their relationship was before he came along and I would not be happy if my husband left me out and took his son's side over everything. Thankfully we have always discussed these things together and part of our role as parents has always been to ensure that we and the children respect each other. I would not be allowing a 26 year old man to be getting away with this behaviour, whether he was my son or stepson - it just wouldn't happen and I know my hubby would support me.

Sounds like mine too Sparkly and Niobe - perhaps it's a phase they have to go through.
DH used to get more annoyed and upset than me.

SparklyGrandma , that's what I used to do too. Provided the bin bags and gave a deadline and after that I would do the job myself, I never had to actually do the big clear out as they always did it themselves and peace would reign for a couple of months and we would go through the whole performance again.

I wouldn’t move out nor would I insist he does. On other threads, grans are saddened when their partners won’t accept their children or DGC, adult or not.
I used to say to my son when his room became too bad and he wouldn’t clean it; ‘I am going into your room this coming Friday night with black bags and cleaning stuffs. Things may get thrown out, it’s up to you’. And I meant it.
It ALWAYS worked, the Wednesday and Thursday evenings would be full of activity in his room, even vacuuming.

His privacy was important to him, he cleaned it rather than me go in to clean.

Try that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Oh bum. Got my people mixed up.

Maybe she has other things to do?
She has said she runs a business, plus those grandchildren.

Not heard from Rowan 55 since the first day when she replied several times. Wonder why!

Perhaps they have gone shopping for Febreze, as I advised earlier.

perhaps she decided to clear up the step-son's room and got trapped by a heap of rubbish blocking the door