Graduation Dilemma

When my second son graduated they showed the ceremony on a big screen in a nearby room, so that all the grans, brothers and sisters who wanted to be there to share the day could do so. We had two tickets, for DH and me and as there were no extra tickets to be had DS1 viewed the ceremony on the screen in the convivial company of other graduates extra relations. I'm sure this must be quite a common thing to happen and might resolve your situation.

Please don't expect her to invite her parents. She doesn't want them there.
I think, unfortunately, you will have to tell your sister that you are going. You can't really expect your niece to call them to "not invite" them.

newnanny I feel so sorry for you, you have been put in an impossible position. Go to the graduation and you upset your sister, don't go and you upset your niece. I think you need to say to both of them that you love them dearly but you are not going to be piggy-in-the-middle any longer. I suspect that your niece may in fact be using you to take some sort of revenge on her parents. You are not responsible for her depression and shouldn't feel that saying 'no' to her will in some way cause her to regress. Perhaps you could say that you will go if she can get extra tickets and invite her parents, but otherwise you will not. Thank her for her invitation and say you will always support her but you will not be used in any way and will not take sides or cause more upset.

Sorry to sidetrack but can someone please enlighten me as to the difference between sil(sister-in-law?) and sil (son-in-law?). Constant state of confusion here

Your DN has a right to invite whomever she pleases to important life events.

You have always been piggy in the middle, I would go to the graduation under the condition you aren't asked to be put in the position of taking your siblings please again.

Your DN feels she was exploited as a child by her own parents and her choice of partner criticised.

It sounds to me as if DN felt used and rejected by parents for their life choices for whatever reason and now wants her parents to experience the rejection she felt, she was a child - brain development continues until 25 - they were always the adults with the responsibility.

It's too important an occasion for your dsis to miss. Get your niece to try and get more tickets or, if this is not possible, there is the excellent suggestion of having a celebratory lunch or dinner after the ceremony. I hope things work out for everyone..

Perfectly put PECS

If somebody feels damaged by parental expectations, behaviour and attitudes it will take time to heal..if ever. A person, through therapy, may come to a better understanding of how/ why parents made the choices or behaved as they did and that may help to re - establish relationships. She is a young adult & needs to make the choices that are right for her. She also needs to be aware of the consequences of her choices & be able to live with them.

So much minimizing of nieces childhood experiences!

I suppose she should just be grateful she had parents, instead of being upset that she was an unpaid babysitter for younger sibling? Goodness the judgement on this girl and her therapist for not doing what most of you think she should.

Instead of seeing it from your perspectives as mothers, maybe think how you might have felt to have to parent on your school breaks?

We don’t know what niece says in therapy, but I’m betting her goal isn’t set to reconciliation, and it’s not her therapists job to push her there

Don't think I've ever used the D. Always seemed unnecessary and unnatural to me in this arena.

Gabriella - you're so right! I do sometimes use the dreaded D myself but it can be so confusing. In this thread I thought the niece's dd must be her small daughter then realised it was dear dad. Also dbf can be either best friend (gender unspecified) or boyfriend.
In the past there was a thread in which dd indicated dear dog.
Confused? You will be!
As used to introduce a long ago tv soap,
a space one I think ...

As a retired academic with 30+years in a university I can throw some light on graduation ceremonies/days.

Firstly, the ticket issue is universal, and I would advise your niece to put her name down early for more tickets. It is quite true that these are always limited to two in the first instance, but that's on the assumption that all those who are supposed to graduate do so, and many either decide they don't want to attend, or don't want to use their tickets so it is often the case that some graduates can end up with a couple of extra ones. So as a first step she should register her request for more tickets, and also ask her friends if they are really going to use all of theirs.
The next thing you should think about is who your niece really wants to be there - does she want you because instinctively she feels you are the right person to be sharing in her achievement as you've supported her emotionally and financially? If so then it's you who should be there, regardless of your sister's feelings. And then finally you should remember that the actual graduation - watching the person walk across the stage and receive the certificate, is only a part of that day. Often universities televise the event and relatives who can't fit into the room watch it from a lounge nearby and then join the graduate for refreshments immediately afterwards. You can all share in that day but you have to recognise that it's the graduate's day so what she wants she should be allowed to have. You sister can still go along wearing her new outfit and go for a meal with your niece after. And if she turns up early in the day she could still also have a nice photograph taken with her daughter.

Good luck.

I think most universities have the facility to view the ceremony on screen close to the action so would be worth investigating as more of you could go. Perhaps you could then suggest a family meal after the event?

Your post really made me smile Shortlegs! I rarely LOL or ROFL myself.
I agree GabriellaG54 we should all drop the ‘dear her’ and ‘dear him’ etc. It’s actually quite irritating.

ohmother Therapy can be very dangerous in the wrong hands. Not all 'therapists' are highly qualified in their field and can do untold damage.

Breeze. I agree about short cut training but...

Are you now insinuating that this therapist wasn’t trained properly because the client may have come to conclusions that no one else seemed to agree with?

As your niece is recovering from depression with help from counselling it might not be a good idea to question or make any comments which may undermine that therapy, particularly at this critical time as she’s approaching her finals.
It seems from your various posts that you have a long established relationship and she confides in you and looks to you for much support, not just financially. It’s clear that your family (DC and DSis) understand and accept this so it is to be cherished, surely? You mustn’t let anything destroy the trust and confidence she has in you just now when all students are under pressure - she doesn’t need any more stress just now.
Your niece explained to you why she was inviting you and her BF only and I think you should respect that. You can explain that you’re worried as her Mother is anticipating an invitation and discuss with her how best to let your DSis know her decision. This would be treating her like the adult she is (vis a vis some PP) i.e. respecting her wishes, while at the same time making it clear to her that she’s putting you in an awkward position.
There is obviously a lot of history with the family dynamics to have reached this stage and I feel very sorry for all the hurt that seems undeserved from afar. But it’s not you who is responsible for any of those hurts.
I can understand that you don’t want to hurt your DSis, but it is her relationship with her daughter that has broken down and you can’t let your relationship with her daughter suffer too as a consequence of that failure. They are completely separate relationships, much as when parents divorce they each maintain their separate relationships with their adult children.
It is your niece who will be hurting her Mother by not inviting her to the graduation.. It is not your fault that she wants you there and you should be glad and not feel guilty about attending.

How do you know what happened in the therapy sessions?

The parents may have had to work to keep a float but it might be helpful if the parents acknowledged how their daughter is feeling about her lost childhood.

Therapy can be very helpful, but not someone who has done a 4 week course.

Now we learn the mother has been critical of the boyfriend. That was helpful.

I do agree it should be the niece that talks it through with her parents as she is an adult now. Maybe better if only the boyfriend went to the event.

I agree with Gabriella - using d in front of every relative is getting a bit 'silly' (sorry)

Shortlegs

Mental health issues rearing it's head again. When will we hear of happy, healthy carefree children?

We don’t know what happened in the therapy sessions. We only really know that the niece had them.
If the niece feels they have helped her, then surely that’s why she went.
Let’s not get sidetracked into blaming the therapist. Ohmother is right.

"""If she is about to graduate, she is an adult and therefore needs to do her own dirty work ! Sorry, but I get tired of adults wrapping youngsters in cotton wool ! """

I agree with this quoted from previous post

Can we please stop putting D in front of every relatives title?
One poster has dsis, dneice, dm, splattered throughout the post...why? It makes for awkward reading.

Do you think you might subconsciously be enabling your niece to perpetuate this fantasy of being the hard-done to Cinderella?
Tough love is sometimes needed for a reality check.
Would she even be at university if her parents had not both worked?
It is not ideal, but many children have to look after younger siblings when parents have to work.
She sounds a very lucky girl to have had your support but her parents clearly love her. Lack of money does not mean lack of love.
There certainly seems a whiff of the 'Drama Queen' about this girl's behaviour.
Incidentally therapists do not tell clients that they have had a bad childhood. They listen in a non-judgemental manner to enable the client to work through their issues and arrive at their own conclusions.
Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, just my personal opinion gleaned from what you have said.

She can get extra tickets but thats not the point she doesnt want them.there
My daughter refused for her step dad to attend and wasnt keen on her real father attending either although she finally gave her real dad an invite
She wanted her brothers and two favorite uncles to attend and they all did she had a great time but i was in a very difficult position
Years after she still says how happy her step father wasnt in attendance
He was extremely hurt and the relationship that was suffering has never recovered so I feel for your situation