Absent grown up children.

Hm999 Sounds like me with my kids. I dropped them at childminder in time for me to get the 8:00 train to Waterloo. I picked them up at 5:30.
Now I go to my DD2 for 7:30 so she can go to work & I have the kids until 6:00 after school.

So many of us. Good to know I'm not alone. Children aren't the same now, generally speaking. I absolutely loved visiting my mum. I loved her so much. During the week I would often lift the car keys and say I'm off to mum's for an hour. This of course was when the children were grown up. But even when they were young we all (7 siblings and partners) met for tea at mums and a catchup. And the gc all played together. Such happy times. I'm so disappointed that my family aren't like that. I encouraged them to be independent but I didn't think they would take it to extremes. I'll always be a bit sad about it. But I have my own life. I just hope they don't have regrets.....

Horrible isn't it?
Then when we need to self soothe the bruises they inflict on us; we then are subjected to being told we are selfish!
My children need to take a long hard look at themselves unfortunately.

At least you get to see your grandchildren.
But what you are doing for your adult children must be exhausting for you?

GabriellaG I think many of us feel that way. I moved to England when young and my mum and I arranged to be at a public phone every Sunday. One Sunday I left her waiting. I had taken cannabis the night before. ( once. never again.) She wrote long letters. mine were brief. I still have some and reread them. I think its just how young people are - wrapped up in their own world.
I don't excuse older children. My son and dil live 40 mins away. Never see them. Refuse invites for meals. But as soon as I mention treating then at their favourite restaurant they're there like a shot...
Jeanie and Cuckoo
Carly I understand. I have a friend who said as her children can't visit they wont be told about her funeral. very sad.
It is different nowadays. Parents are family. Busyness should not exclude people you love. I wish my mother was here today.

My great grandmother was in service in the early 1900's and the only time she had to visit her parents was on Mother's Day when all the staff were give the day off to go home. Once a year was normal!

None of my children have spoken to Me since they went to live with their rich father, who doesn't care that they just lounge about all day and are just parasites to be driven wherever they want, whenever they want etc. Cash on tap, takeaways when they like...you get the picture. A far cry from the way I brought them up for the 13 years he was on the missing list (and I was living in a foreign country too).

Miep, money talks eh? And, I'm reading between the lines.....their Dad's wealth is probably not hard-earned. Not a nice way to bring up children.

Money talks with some children yes!

I can see both sides. My mum, who lives rurally 50 minutes drive away, complains to everyone that she “never sees me” although I see her most weeks. In fact she often puts me off when I suggest her coming to stay overnight with us (I always collect her and drop off).
Our relationship was much better when I was in a job that meant I passed her house at least once a fortnight and we’d go for lunch.
My youngest daughter is severely disabled and when I changed jobs there was a 2 year period where I saw her only around once a month as her house isn’t safe for or from my daughter and I didn’t have a car on cost grounds. This seems to have changed things.
I wish my mum wasn’t techno-phobic, we paid for a mobile for her for years but she never used it it or had it with her. It is so much easier to feel in touch and included when you have text, Facebook or WhatsApp as options. A phone call with my mum is a minimum of 40 minutes and still ends awkwardly as if I am cutting her off, no matter how long we’re been talking for. I therefore only call her when I have a clear stretch of time, whereas with social media we could easily exchange comments and photos as I do with my own adult daughter. I probably speak to and see my adult daughter less than I see and speak to my mum, but thanks to text and WhatsApp, we still feel closely in touch.
It is interesting that my mother, who didn’t work, only saw her own mother (2 hours away) about twice a year on average, and she phoned less than once a week. Grandma used to complain ....

Contact with family, be it AC, GPs, inlaws, Mum, Dad or siblings can be like walking a tightrope at times. Alone and desperately trying to keep your balance.

Over the years my relationship with my son has been variable, sometimes non existent, but we are currently fairly close, though it is often three weeks between contact, or more.
Today I was really pleased that he kept in touch with me by WhatsApp when he was on a journey in snowy weather. Ok , his wife was at work, his children at school, but it was still nice, and somewhat of a surprise.

My son fills in 'blank' time time by phoning for a chat. Heading to the shops, out with the dog, walking home from work. Usually about 10 minutes but 3/4 times a week keeps me up to date.
DD is more likely to send a barrage of messages but often to arrange to meet up when she finishes work.
A bit of shopping and a glass of wine!

I often think I overdid the visits to my mum, popping in every day. I very often have days when I potter about in a dressing gown so don't want visitors. I'm sorry now I visited every day without asking.

I think it is knowing that if we (DDs &I) needed each other for anything we would be there like a shot! We do not need to be in each others homes or chatting all the time.. we just know we are there for each other if required!

That's what I feel and hope Pecs. I have never been one to have regular "chats"...BUT
I did the evening school-pick-up today, brought daughter's kids home, gave them their snacks and then later their Dinner . Their Mum picked them up at 10p.m. after work. I am livid. She did not bother to come out of the car to say hello to me. Just waited in the drive for them, I'm sure she was tired after work. I know her ex husband (kids father ) is troubling her. But, you'd think she would have the curtesy to come in and say "hi mum, thanks". Oh she is so blinking moody but as Pecs says I'm sure she'll be ok in a crisis

I saw my elder daughter every day, see my younger daughter twice a year.

CrazyH, couldn't sleep, so was looking through the posts, you seen hurt by your daughter not coming in the house after working until 10pm. Your daughter must be exhausted, coping with running her family and the emotional turmoil of a difficult ex. I can understand fully her wanting to get home and to bed, if it were me I would be worried about her. Didn't you enjoy having your grandchildren? It's just good for her to have one less worry knowing her mom gas her children safe.
There are lots of grandparents on here that get to see their children and gc often, then a lot like me who don't. It has made me see I have been thinking of my feelings more than theirs, that statement made, you never lose what you truly own is true, I need to get out more and not dwell on what I don't have. Thanks all of you.

Not everyone had lovely, involved Grannies in the 'good old days'. Even as a child I can recall being so envious of other people's extended families and even the characters in the children's books I devoured who holidayed with family members who lived on farms (such bliss I thought) and had grandparents who were involved in their lives.

I now understand that all of my grandparents had very significant personal issues or just weren't interested in my brother and me, the only two grandchildren any of them had. We saw some of them (maybe) once a year on Christmas Day. I don't recall ever being asked a personal question about my life, school etc by a grandparent. Needless to say I have made sure things are very different now in my relationship with my precious and adored grandchildren. I have a strong belief in the power of an individual to change a negative or destructive family narrative even one that is generations old.

Yes Luckylegs, You are right. I am sorry I sound so negative, when there are Mums and grandmas like you who don't get to see their children and Gc as often as they would like, or not at all. I was being selfish with my feelings. Yes, she is a very busy girl and I have to realise that. I have always been a glass half empty type of person. Thankyou Lucky .

We saw paternal grandparents regularly. They were local but it did not mean I did not also have a warm and loving relationship with my maternal grandmother who I only saw 2 or 3 times a year. Quality not quantity!

When my 2 AC left home within 1 year of another I felt as if I had died inside. I used to cry a lot. Now, 20 years later, I'm lucky that DD lives near me. However she works almost full-time so I don't see a lot of her. I do suggest outings occasionally and we do have them - I always pay! My DS lives 150 miles away and I get a phone call once a week. I always ask him when I will see him again and suggest visiting around birthdays and other events which he usually agrees to. When he left home, fearing how infrequently I would hear from him, I told him firmly that I expected a weekly phone call and he's stuck to that. I sometimes tell him how much I miss him and I do send emails/photos showing where I've been though rarely get a reply. I have to say though that neither of my children is what I would call loving. It's just how they are made. So we're in a kind of routine which I have to accept. Would much prefer they all popped in for a cuppa now and then. I don't think having hobbies can ever make up for family life. The young years go by so fast it's heartbreaking. But, looking back, I was the same when I was young - working and travelling. Then busy bringing up my 2 with no time for much else.