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Step Kids

(31 Posts)
Kaggi60 Tue 22-Jan-19 21:40:22

I always thought if you was brought up by your step parent you would be classed as their child. Not in my case was cut off like I did not exist went to the funeral I do not exist it was really upsetting. All them years gone.

mcem Tue 22-Jan-19 22:28:06

I think that you'd have to be adopted by the step parent to become their legal child. I'm sorry you're upset both by the loss of your "parent" and by the treatment you had. flowers

crazyH Wed 23-Jan-19 00:30:30

How awful for you Kaggi60.......lets get one thing straight. I dont think any step-parent will be able to love a stepchild the way they love their own. Perhaps if they didn't have children of their own , there's a possibility the stepchild will be considered, loved and treated as their own. Were there children of their own!
So, was it your step father's funeral you went to? Is your mother still alive?
Or are you referring to your stepmother whose funeral you went to?
My ex husband re-married and his new wife are my children's step mum. I can assure you there is no love or loyalty there. Ofcourse my children are adults and they go just to visit their father.
Don't feel that all is lost and that you have been cut off....try to expand a little bit more about your situation. In the meanwhile , I'm sending you some flowers

Sielha Wed 23-Jan-19 00:36:10

I’m sorry for your pain x

megan123 Wed 23-Jan-19 00:44:39

I am sorry you have been so upset; people can be very cruel.

My husband is step father to my girls and has worked hard all his life and been there for them always. I presume you are referring to the biological children. I am sure your stepmother/father would not have wanted this at all.

I am truly sorry you have been so hurt flowers

grannyactivist Wed 23-Jan-19 01:06:07

Kaggi60 I'm sorry you felt cut off at the funeral and I do hope that you are able to find a way to alleviate the upset you are feeling. flowers

I dont think any step-parent will be able to love a stepchild the way they love their own.
crazyH I can only say that in my experience you are wrong to suppose that a step-parent relationship cannot be every bit as loving as that of a biological parent.

crazyH Wed 23-Jan-19 01:35:50

Grannya you are very, very lucky indeed. I have heard of many, many stories where step children are treated appallingly. My own 3 have a step mother, who has no love for them, neither do the kids care. My youngest was still in school, but stayed with me and went to visit his father and step mum weekly.......never once was asked to stay over in their house. They took him out for a burger or KFC and dropped him back to me. And remarks such as you only call when you want money. She was indeed the wicked stepmother. And btw she did have 2 of our own, who were doted and lavished on, not only by their mum but by their stepfather too (my children's father). Hence my jaundiced view .....

crazyH Wed 23-Jan-19 01:36:50

My 3 children are adults now.

kittylester Wed 23-Jan-19 06:46:49

I am sorry for your experience kaggi.thanks

I echo ga's point. DS2 is step dad to 2 teenage boys and couldn't love them more. Dd3's partner is a wonderful step dad to her two and a great dad to their own. I salute them both.

Grannyknot Wed 23-Jan-19 07:21:01

I'm sorry for your heartache kaggi.

I also want to give a shout out to "step" parents, or as I've heard said "Second dads" (or Mums).

My father remarried after my parents divorced and although I didn't live with them as a child, I became very fond of my "stepmother" and vice versa. I lived with her and my dad for a brief period as a young adult which brought us even closer.

I think of a good friend of mine, who married a man with teenage children (he had been divorced for some time) and they had a "yours, mine and ours" situation When their child was born, and how tirelessly and patiently she worked to win over her husband's children from his first marriage. Her loving approach won the day and they are indeed a happy, blended family.

Harris27 Wed 23-Jan-19 10:05:25

My step mam is in a home and I visit weekly never had any affection from her just a role if step mam but I feel its my duty to do good by her. I have a wonderful step sister who treats me like a real sister and her likewise she more than made up for my mams indifference.

TerriBull Wed 23-Jan-19 10:28:23

I am very sorry for your experiences Kaggi. I've been very lucky my husband had two children late teens when we got together, I've always got on with them, sadly one died a while back. I remain very close to my step daughter, although I don't call her that, I regard her as a very close friend. and I am confident that relationship would continue if God forbid her father were no longer here. I remind my own children that they have a wonderful sister, although they already know that. I also have some lovely step grandchildren as well as my own.

Susan56 Wed 23-Jan-19 10:29:59

Kaggi,I am so sorry for the hurt you have and are suffering.💐

I too would like to say step parents definitely can love children who aren’t their own.My husband is step parent to my children.He loves them as if they were his own and they love him.He is grandpa to their children.
My children’s stepmother on the other hand didn’t want the baggage ie my children.Twenty years later things are slightly improved but a lot of upset over the years.

Annaram1 Wed 23-Jan-19 10:47:45

Oh dear, Kaggi, I am sorry for you. What a painful experience.

The story of Cinderella comes to mind.

25Avalon Wed 23-Jan-19 10:57:57

You have double pain. First you lose your step dad and then you lose the rest of his family and made to feel like you don't exist. So you question all the years you did have and what was good in them turns to dust. But only if you let it. Try to find some good things that were just good in the past and remember them. It's also possible your step dad was suffering from some kind of dementia which could have affected his thinking in later life.
Everything is very raw at the moment and really hurts. You are a worthwhile person in your own right. I hope you find peace.

nannypiano Wed 23-Jan-19 11:22:37

My children's dad left us when my older son was 2 years old. He met a woman quite a few years older than him. His brother was 1. I was 19 at the time. His new wife got pregnant almost straight away, had another boy. Never have my two sons met their half brother. My two only stayed at their house a couple of times during their childhood. They never received birthday cards or presents, same at Christmas. Their dad has only got in touch just recently when my younger son tried to mend the rift between them. Then it was to ask a favour on behalf of his new son who wanted advice about a car. You really couldn't make it up.
My sons are 53 and 54 now and their dad never paid a penny towards their upkeep. My younger sons biggest upset was when he paid them a visit a couple of years ago and the wicked step mother pointed to a group photo on the wall stating that this was their whole family. My son was gutted that she could be so narcissistic after all these years. I reckon I had a very lucky escape all those years ago and so did my boys. Sorry it's a long post, but good to get it off my chest.

breeze Wed 23-Jan-19 11:56:01

I have been a stepdaughter, a stepmother in 3 different relationships and am now a grandmother where my DGC have had/got stepfather/stepmother (most through marriage but some long term relationships). From my experience under those circumstances blood is usually thicker than water.

I was very fond of my stepmother but she made it clear she didn't want to see me when she and my father split up after he had an affair. She had a breakdown and said it didn't help seeing me as I reminded her of him. I stayed away and understood. Of course, she wouldn't have turned her back if she had had a child with him that reminded her of him.

I have been a stepmother to a lot of children over 3 different relationships and when those relationships ended I could only have kept in touch with those children if I'd kept in touch with their fathers. We had no children together. So although I got on with most of them (one difficult one) I have never seen any of them since.

After my son's relationship with my DGD's mother ended he was in a 3 year relationship with a girl who was very close to and great with my grandchildren. They broke up last year and she's not had any contact with them at all. And on their mother's side, she also had a relationship (now ended and she's in another) where her partner was very involved with my DGDs. He doesn't see them at all now.

Some of those recent relationships were short (for one of mine I was involved in the children's lives for 7 years). My stepmother and my father were married for 14 years. So she was with me from childhood into adulthood.

Having said all of that, I am still in touch with 2 of my stepsisters as we did become very close. I was invited to my stepmothers funeral but I was too ill at the time to attend. I would guess that it also helps if you have half sisters/brothers to maintain a bond.

All very complicated and it seems from your post (unless you tell us more) that you were not close to your stepbrothers or stepsisters, therefore have been and felt very excluded. Hurtful for sure but we don't know enough to know why that was.

I would focus on the years you felt happy and close to the stepparent and don't view those years as wasted. Any time spent where fondness has built up has to be worthwhile surely. I understand your hurt at feeling pushed out. Looking back now I have happy memories of my stepmum as she was one of the funniest people I ever met in my life. I like to think my love of humour and humorous situations and people were very much influenced by her. I don't feel resentment for the later years when she felt she couldn't see me.

Rosina Wed 23-Jan-19 12:48:24

One of my relatives is a step parent and as far as he is concerned - and the daughter he legally adopted - he is her father. I believe strongly that the person who brings you up, looks out for you, and loves and cares for you is your true parent. You can't make generalisations about love; some people are loving and caring, like my grandparents who, although poverty stricken, took in children who were homeless back in the early part of the 20 Century and brought them up with their own huge family. There are also parents who seem indifferent to their own flesh and blood - we have all come across them.

4allweknow Wed 23-Jan-19 14:27:47

My son is step-father to a teenager now having met is mum 11 years ago and marrying 9 years ago. I can without doubt say the step son is really treasured by my son who now has a daughter. Son and daughter dote on one another, indeed the teenager is lively towards his little sister. Not all step relationships are uncaring, so sorry your family dynamics are.

Legs55 Wed 23-Jan-19 14:34:23

I have been a step-mum twice, lost touch with some of my step-children as we live so far apart. I never had any problem loving them as much as my DD.

My DH adored my DD as much as his own DC. My DD adored my DH.

I also had a step-F (my DF died) who I loved as did my DD, he was her beloved Granddad, he didn't have any children of his own.

I would never had treated any of them differently particularly at a Funeral, they were all part of the family

PamSJ1 Wed 23-Jan-19 15:12:57

My dad’s mum and dad separated when he was small with him going to live with his dad and his brother with his mum. His dad later remarried and my dad always considered hs step-mum to be his mum. He had a fall out with his birth mum when he was a teenager which his brother got dragged into. He made contact again when I was in my 30s but all that time I didn’t know I had an uncle and cousins.

Bekind Wed 23-Jan-19 16:12:39

Kaggi, I am so sorry you are feeling hurt like this. Maybe you can just concentrate on your relationship with your deceased step-parent and try to hold on to your loving memories.

Barmeyoldbat Wed 23-Jan-19 16:29:40

Sorry Crazy but you can love someone who is not your blood child. My 2nd husband loves my children very much and they love him as a dad. He was asked to give my daughter away at her wedding in place of her own dad. My son will do anything for him and my husband looks to him as his own. In fact he gets the Father Day cards not husband no 1.

Kaggi60 Wed 23-Jan-19 17:50:04

Thank You x

vickya Wed 23-Jan-19 18:31:16

Daughter has a son and then had a new partner some years later and another child. The first father is the favourite child minder for both children if daughter is at work or away on business, and loves her second child like his own, and the child loves him. They have managed sharing first child very well, half the week with each parent and alternate weekends. The second father is not involved with first child after separating from daughter and has less contact with his own than the first father, as is away a lot. It seems to depend on the relationship between the parents and on the people concerned.