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Husband in retirement

(59 Posts)
Cabbie21 Thu 24-Jan-19 14:52:06

My husband has been able to continue working in a part time capacity until over 70, which he was very happy to do. Now he is fully retired, and apart from occasional involvement with some charity work, he does almost nothing. His health is not great, but I know he feels better when he has things to do, yet he doesn’t seem to want to do anything much now, even hobbies.
It may be he just doesn’t feel well enough. I don’t know, because he doesn’t say. I don’t nag him about it, but I do get a bit resentful when he doesn’t even manage to ( for example) peel the potatoes, whilst I am out and about, busy with choirs and voluntary work or family.
We have never talked about a fair division of labour since retirement, and some of our old ways no longer work for us. I guess we really need to discuss what each is most able and suited to doing, according to our skills and abilities, or disabilities.
I really don’t want him to sink into being an old man sitting in his armchair being waited on just yet! Any suggestions?

HildaW Sun 27-Jan-19 19:54:58

My dear OH once talked about his parent's marriage referring to how much they respected each other. I felt it sounded a bit formal but to be honest I've come around to realising that its a good view. We all have to compromise a bit...put up with annoyances....little habits they (and we)develop but if we cannot respect each other we are lost.

PECS Sun 27-Jan-19 20:06:20

sodapop DH and I have an easy going approach really! He puts my stuff away that irritates him and I clear his clutter up!

sodapop Sun 27-Jan-19 21:32:43

Sounds good to me PECS

Katyj Mon 28-Jan-19 06:56:43

My husband retired last summer, we had lots of things planned for the first 6 months, so didn't have time to think let alone rest.But now it's winter I'm noticing, he seems vacant some days, he is a deep thinker, but he's becoming forgetful too.I still work two days a week, plus we have ddc 1 day a week, but that's shortly coming to an end.we'll only be having both children some school holidays. I leave a list for the days I work which he works through.But I can't help thinking he'd be better off out of the house somtimes as I never have any time to myself now. I used to love getting my jobs done, then being able you potter at my leisure.I'll keep an eye on this thread for inspiration.

PECS Mon 28-Jan-19 08:15:54

Leave a list! Crumbs..DH would not warm to that idea!
Some people are so defined by their work identity it is hard for them to " be" when they are no longer that person. DH is a bit like that which why he is fading out of work rather than retiringgrin I have to stop feeling annoyed when he does tasks that were routinely ones I did. He is good at finding "useful" jobs to do..he is just getting ready to reorganise the logs in the log store so older dryer ones are at the top ???

Cabbie21 Thu 07-Feb-19 15:28:03

I thought I would update on this.
Chores, I haven’t found the right moment to discuss this issue as a whole, though we have had a chat about some specifics eg not overfilling the bin!
Meals. On the two days I am always out, we make specific plans so he knows if I am expecting to come home to veg prepared, for example. So far so good.
Health. He is over the bronchitis and back to what is normal for him.
Depression? Possibly, in a non clinical sense. I raised a few issues about the future by referring to a blog I had read, about a man who found himself caring for his father. The man he described was pretty much how I envisage DH will be in a few years time. DH obviously recognised this as he got angry, said it doesn’t bear thinking about, then ranted on about what a dreadful world we live in, what kind of awful future there will be for the grandchildren etc. His take is that he cannot bear to think about it, it is all too much to contemplate, so why was I even reading this blog?
Wow, I was nt expecting that.
The only way he can discuss any issues is if we stick to a specific item, I propose a plan, or maybe offer a choice of two things( so he decides and thinks it is all his idea!). And this is an intelligent man, but he cannot bear to discuss things.
We have at least agreed on a holiday area for this year, in principle.
I have no idea how he is occupying his time and his mind. Upstairs in his study, or sleeping in front of the TV mostly.
He keeps himself to himself really.

jeanie99 Mon 11-Feb-19 01:24:03

The only things my husband does is mow the lawn, food shopping and prepares the vegetables for dinner, tells everyone he cooks every night.
He's out most days doing his own thing which I am happy about and I am as well but when I get back I have things to do he sits down and watches TV.
If I didn't do the rest the house would just fall around our heads.
I believe he thinks the fairies come in the night to do all the cleaning, it never occurs to him to do any housework.
He refuses to even discuss anything, just says leave it if I complain.
It would never enter his head to buy anything nice for the family a present or card. I can't remember the last time he bought me a birthday card, let alone a present.
50 years on and what can you do.
Having said all that I do have a good life and enjoy myself but these things do annoy me.

Cabbie21 Mon 11-Feb-19 09:17:27

DH is very good with Birthday and Christmas, but Valentine’s Day and Mothering Sunday are not on his calendar.