Husband in retirement

I think probably they don't notice if something needs doing. My husband has this awful habit of emptying the cupboards for me to wipe the shelves and leaving everything on the worktops for me to put back. Grrrrrr!!!

As another gransnetter said once, it works both ways. Just because there are people better off than me doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to feel happy. OP was looking for help and suggestions, everyone is entitled to their feelings, it would be a sad world if we weren't allowed to talk about them.

Its a strange one that " there's always somebody worse off " thing isn't it?

Yes, undoubtedly there is but it doesn't always help if you are fed up!

I understand your feelings Tillybelle but its all relative isn't it. Some things just loom important in our lives and we sometimes lose perspective.
I'm sorry if life is difficult for you at the moment, its not always easy hearing about things others take for granted.

Tillybelle, its true that there is always someone worse off than oneself and in the cold light of day you do know that but sometimes problems take on a significance all of there own often far more than they should and then they become crippling. Its good to open up about them and find that others share the problem.
On the other hand I fully understand that many people have so much to cope with and yet can still function and live a decent life.
Its a bit like the time I was coping with an extremely close relative dying from cancer and a less than supportive home life and feeling very alone. In a local supermarket some woman was causing the most remarkable scene because they had run out of some vegetable. Can remember thinking how shallow and ridiculous she must have been. A close friend punctured my perceptions by saying...'poor woman, it was probably the last straw for her and she was struggling with her life. Made me take stock and realise that so many of us are coping quietly with so much at any time and to just be grateful for what we do have. But thanks for your post it was good to be reminded to count my blessings.

I was about to switch to another subject, as I am not part of this group.
Then I thought, well, if this lady says, "I do get a bit resentful when he doesn’t even manage to ( for example) peel the potatoes, whilst I am out and about, busy with..."
Perhaps it is relevant for me to say, I don't get resentful, but I get exasperated when I hear people who have:
no real money problems so
live comfortable lives with
their husband/wife/partner
are able bodied
active and busy
involved in hobbies and clubs
meet people frequently
are not lonely
Those people with all the above in their lives, in my book, have no right to "get a bit resentful".

If you think he should do more towards the jobs in the house why don't you just tell him so?

And be glad he's there for you to tell him so.
And be glad you are so busy that you have been out.
And be glad that you are fit, able bodied, well enough to go out.
And be glad you get out to meet people and enjoy your activities.

Some of us have none of the above. But I do not get a bit resentful. Not at all.

Cabbie21. I know where you are coming from. When my husband retired he became more and more obsessed with doing woodwork in his shed/workshop. He also volunteers with the Nat Trust and became involved in the creation of a Men's Shed. I was left to do all and sundry with the household. The most irritating part was how he would spend hours in the morning in the shed for 5 days coming up the garden at lunch time then back out until appearing again at dinnertime. The other days were more or less the same ie go out to activity returning for dinner. I have a couple of outside interests in the evening but for me to get out to them I have to have dinner done and dusted and cleared away before trying to get out the door in time. I felt I was more or less just a skivvy and started to just go out having trips to a couple of cities or visting towns on my own. This was eventually noticed and when asked why I just stated my case that I was basically left to do it all, with DH doing his own thing obviously not interested in doing anything together. Didn't take long for change to happen. Now out for coffee, occasional meal and trips in the week. They can become selfish after retirement and I think a good old jolt is needed to get some response.

I don't know if this helps, but I always have Mondays doing nothing not even cooking., no cleaning or putting the washing on etc. On this day it is up to my husband and he is responsible for providing a meal for the day including planning and shopping.

Did he do any chores to help you before? A lot of men of his age are old school and think they don't need to do anything which can only make you resentful as you should be able to enjoy retirement as well. If you can get him to discuss the situation and tell him how you feel it might help. Otherwise instead of peeling potatoes buy ready roasts or cook them in their skins which is healthier. What I'm saying is find easy ways to do things. If he does do anything such as the shopping then praise him and say what a help it is to you to encourage him to continue doing that and possibly more.
Maybe he just doesn't feel up to it. I know so many widows out there who would put up with this just to have their dh back and not be on their own.

I'm still working 2 days and I find the best thing is to do is just leave a note ie: washing in the machine can you hang it out when its done please?
Anything car or garden related is mostly down to him and he has an allotment which he looks after but thats mostly in spring and summer (I'm only asked to go when its time to pick things)
However he does walk the dog twice a day (we both go when I'm off) and will wash pots and prepare dinner but only if I'm at work or have gone out.
Once I'm in its mostly down to me.

I would let him do exactly what he wants to do. He's earned it. Unless you are really unhappy and struggling (which you don't seem to be) then leave him alone to enjoy his well earned retirement in whichever way he sees fit. Especially as he's not been very well. If you want him to do more, suggest some fun things you can do together that aren't too taxing for him. As for the use it or lose it theory, I read recently it makes no difference. You had to use it way back to not lose it later on. Allegedly.

If it's a struggle for you though, then just ask him when you leave for choir practice or something if he would peel the spuds. He does the shopping, so he's not bone idle.

He sounds like a good bloke compared to some we read about on here so I wouldn't rock the boat. And you know how good men are at telling you if they don't feel great. Like getting blood out of a stone. So maybe he just feels a bit rotten but doesn't want to burden you with it or make himself feel bad that the inevitable has happened and he's getting older.

Not a solution for you, but we had to change our ways when we moved house (not downsize) and I simply could not cope doing it all myself. We have settled on one fixed (of course unless we decide other) domestic morning a week. He does all dry rooms - I do all with taps in. I do everything laundry. Shopping we do together on another day but we are more flexible about who and when. The fixed time for cleaning means we pay attention to the house and deal with the little breakages etc at the time. And both working at the same time means our efforts are about equal and we are aware of how much each other do. (He had no idea to start with just how it takes any time at all). So yes - talk - tell him you cannot do it all. Do not soldier on alone. Resentment is bad for you and being babied is bad for him.

Funny old time retirement. We've taken quite a while to adjust Hubby does a couple of days volunteering with a bunch of other grumpy old men which he enjoys. He's 66 and becoming 'old' I'm seven years younger (probably 20 years younger in spirit) and have taken a very part time housekeeping job plus I volunteer and go to choir and classes. I'm not ready to sit around I would go insane! You do need to keep talking - it's easy for a small niggle to escalate otherwise.

You sound so kind and lovely will you marry me? My darlings useless ?

You didn't mention how long your husband has been retired. Men seem to take far longer to adjust to retirement than women, probably because they have never done as much at home as we have.

Do talk to him. Did he share in the housework while he worked? If not, he probably has no idea what running a house involves.

It might depend on his previous job too. If he was in a job where he was told what to do each day he might find it hard not to be given tasks each day.

How do you cope??!!
DH has been working from home recently & I am absolutely dreading him retiring- luckily he has a good way to go yet!
All I hear is - 'any chance of a coffee?' The man can use the coffee machine when I am out- he doesn't get parched then.
Plus he spreads his mess all over the house.
I think I will have to go back out to work when he retires!

Leave him a list of jobs to do! But tell him also! Good luck

Talk about it

I think it takes time to adjust to retirement and people do it differently. Talk as people have said above but also give him time. I started out feeling lazy if I didn't go out every day but as I had little money and didn't yet have a bus pass, it was a bit pointless. He will hopefully settle in but it can take a couple of years.

Sorry Cabbie this is of no use to you

Retirement takes preparation and should be thought about years before it happens. Money (obviously). Part-time work? Voluntary work? Downsizing? Health issues? What do I want to do with my time? What do others want me to do with my time (partners, children, grandchildren)? Hobbies - are there things I/we've always wanted to do, but never had the time? Travel, hobbies?

Be careful, last time somebody mentioned some frustrations with a retired husband WW3 broke out here!

I agree on ‘use it or lose it’. My DH lost a bit of his confidence when first retired. I encouraged him to do voluntary work in an area he was unfamiliar with but was really easy and mixing with the public. He loved it! He got a bit of his confidence back and now has a little casual paid job in the same area as his voluntary work. He still has moments of forgetfulness but these jobs are staving it off.

Not sure whether to laugh or be upset. DH has just said “ I can’t remember who gave me this jigsaw puzzle for Christmas”
I did! I told him jokingly that I was offended.
I do wonder if he is losing the plot. I am sure he has not got enough to occupy his mind. Use it or lose it.

Thanks again folks for your understanding and suggestions.