Husband in retirement

Mr C is very happy to be at home ‘pottering’ or reading plus the odd jigsaw. I often prefer to be busy outside the home so leave him to it. We go out out together regularly, walking (we live by the coast) for lunch or coffee. some shopping, visiting family. The usual low key stuff. I found a task list and the question ‘which ones do you feel like doing?’ helped in the early days. Mr C had stopped work before I did so a change was needed. Gradually he began to just do some tasks regularly. There’s still a need for a conversation now and again, usually over coffee and cake. We’re all different, this is a transition time so polish your negotiation skills and do check he isn’t feeling particularly unwell. This stage will pass I’m sure.

Health problems not withstanding differences in temperament play a part.....some folks are happy to just 'be' whilst others seem to be permanently on the go (they sometimes moan about it but they would go mad if they were not).

Yes talk to him cabbie21 We often have different expectations of retirement without realising it. You need to decide between you who is responsible for which chores and which you can share. It's the same with leisure activities, you don't have to do everything together but its nice to find some common ground. It's a big adjustment and takes time to come to terms with but keep communicating.

Thanks HildaW and Ohmother.
I think a direct question is a good idea. As he has permanent conditions to out up with there will always be a negative answer, I fear, but he might say whether there is anything specific. If I were him, I would feel lonely and need some thing to keep me busy, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

I think you answered your own dilemma. Talk about it. Don’t continue to be silently resentful and be aware he’s getting older and more weary with age. Get rid of your frustration by having that chat. X

Sometimes I really think they just do not notice that something needs doing. Just ask him, without a hint of weariness in your voice (all too easy I know) 'when you get a moment darling, could you please do such and such it would be such a help' and see what happens. My own DH is pretty good but sometimes its as if something become invisible, that little pile of discarded clothing awaiting putting into the laundry basket etc......if one just 'huffs' and picks it up they never learn!
Seriously I have also realised that asking him a direct question about how he is or feels helps. With female members of the family you tend to know when they are a bit low but men are not so expressive. Stop and ask if he's alright and then suggest popping out for coffee and cake somewhere - being out and about somewhere is always good for starting a conversation.

I meant to say, he does do most of the shopping now, which is a great help.