How good is taken for granted?

My DS is in his 40s. He’s a caring son, but is awful in the phone. I just text now. Don’t get upset. If you hadn’t called I’m sure he would have been upset. You did the right thing.

It doesn't matter how busy they are there is no need to be rude and he was. If he had just got up why not say, sorry mum had a heavy night just got out of bed. I wouldn't give him a present next year, just the card until he has learnt some social graces.

All this is so true and I do feel better knowing its not just me and my son, who's 38 with two small children. In fact, the only time the texts I send are responded to by return are when we are looking after the kids!

Years ago I asked an old lady who had 3 adult children if she thought the way children turned out was because of how you’d treated them. She said no, it was the luck of the draw. I agree. We are what we are. You can’t change people. One of my children is a real worrier and in touch constantly. The other is calm and collected and I don’t hear from him much. But yes I think that by making them feel secure they take us for granted. And they are rarely interested in our problems! No answer to it however much we stress.

Maybe you were more excited about his birthday than he was!
The fact that you rang first speaks volumes (no pun intended). He surely would have rung to thank you for his birthday presents?

On my very recent 74th birthday I had cards/calls/emails etc from friends and all but one of my AC.
The following day a very bare text, no smiley or xx.
Later same day another text (No, Hi mum) saying they hadn't forgotten date of my b'day but life got in the way. No early start for work, no kids.
Prob felt that the previous text was too brief.
Just another day...that was the overall impression I got.
Celebrations do sometimes tail off as our AC get older and their lives, quite rightly, take precedence.

How very rude of your son! Lesson learned, next birthday send a card with no present. By condoning his bad behaviour or making excuses for it you make his bad behaviour acceptable in his eyes. It took me a long time and years of being walked over to find my backbone, I’m glad I did and am financially so much better off.

Are you sure you didn't just catch him at a wrong moment?

Years ago now, I taught myself to begin all phone calls to friends and family by asking if they have time to talk, as I can't know whether they are in the middle of something when I ring.

Did you ask him if anything was wrong?

Don't worry about it, but if something similar happens next time you phone him, ask him if you have rung at an inconvenient time.

Katyj, my son in his mid thirties is exactly the same, he only rings when he wants something.

I think so many people only use phones for short instructional or information giving calls. Many light hearted ' conversations ' are done by text/ skype or email !
Maybe he was tired, just not feeling well , hungover, had a bit of a row.. on the phone you can't see! He should be courteous but we are all human!
Don't dwell on it. Send a text to check the pressies have arrived..but give him a good chance to contact you first. Move to a short weekly text or whatsapp type communication. Even like a comment about weather, local news, how are the DGC etc!

We all do it don't we - allow people to behave badly. My mum used to say 'if you let someone behave badly then they will' - how true. If it were a child who behaved badly we would (hopefully!) chastise them or tell them off somehow and teach them right from wrong. But why Oh Why do we not do the same with the adults in our lives.

I think you maybe caught him a bit too early in the day. In our family we all like/need our coffee in the morning and sometimes will say " I haven't had my coffee yet" which is code for I don't want to talk or do anything yet because it's too early. He was probably tired for whatever reason so please don't take it personally. However I do agree adults whether they are AC or not can be rude at times.

Why do people make so many excuses for the rudeness of adult children. A man of 44 should surely have some social skills. We wouldn't tolerate this from friends so why ?

Ha isn't it strange, our son, late 30s is exactly like this.I don't feel like ringing now as it makes me flustered and embarrassed goodness knows why. I'm so busy trying to think what to say , I'm liable to say something daft, which he will then picks up on, and make me feel worse Just had a call from him yesterday wanting a favour from us , completely different then, bright breezy voice, asking how I am first.Makes me feel totally invisible and sad .

My OH does speak to his mum on the phone but it stresses him because she is forgetful and always moaning about something .I'm happy to speak to her and she'll tell me she doesn't know what she'd do without me to moan at...lol.

. I think a lot of men ,in particular dont want to think of their mothers getting old and sometimes just the tone of voice can tell something isn't how it should be.I know my daughter will ask whats up the minute I say Hello because she knows me so well...and I am much the same with her and with MIL .
OH wont consider his mum coming to live with us even though he loves her dearly ,he says he wouldn't be able to cope with her as she ages .He is better with her when he has things to do for her around her house or financial things ,just not chatting ...

I agree.
Its just that for some, just the sound of their mums voice seems to put them into a time machine, and they come out as spotty 14 year olds.

I would have thought at 44 he would have learned a few social graces.

To be honest , I wouldn't tell my children about my "sprained knee". In fact I very rarely tell them about my health issues, except 2 years ago, when I had to tell them I was going into hospital for a breast biopsy. Fortunately, it was benign. I don't bother them with mundane health problems .

Our children probably only think of the occasion as being the date of their birth and forget that it is also the day that we gave birth to them.

I never phone my son as I don’t know when he is busy
(which is almost always). We text each other if we are trying to make an arrangement, or email for less urgent stuff. He is pretty good at answering. We can go weeks without meeting up but everything is fine when we do, so that is Ok.

When a man gets to 44 (or a woman too for that matter) it can be a death knell of being "no longer young".

In extreme cases they buy Harleys and mistresses - the quieter ones just begin to think, ""what's it all about?'

It may be your son is upset about being 44 and doesn't see it as a cause for celebration - whereas you remember the day he was born and bless it and him.

On the other hand, he may be having troubles at work, or one of the children or his partner was playing up just before you called. He may not feel very well and have had a bad night or just be dog tired (hence the need for coffee). In fact any one of a 101 reason he sounded less than enthusiastic.

"do you think some children are so secure in your love that your attention is bordering on boring?"

Now why would you think he was bored? Isn't it more likely the above scenarios are nearer the truth?
Be glad he's secure in your love and don't worry him with your sprained knee, there's nothing he can do about it, is there?

44? I wouldn't bother.

Two of my daughters I feel I can phone anytime they aren't in work if needed and get a cheery reception,or if they are busy and can't talk will tell me politely and invariably text or call later.My other DD can be brusque to the point of rudeness if she is tired /hungry or not in the mood to talk both on and off the phone.It can be very hurtful, but nowadays I generally leave her to get in touch then I can't get it wrong !
My brother is exactly the same with my mum.He is retired and plenty of free time,but no more patience at times it seems.I have ticked him off before now as mum's very old and frail and I know he loves her and will regret it if his last conversation is snappy one.It is all too easy to take family for granted isn't it ?

Imho it would be best not to say anything this time. Let it go knowing you did the right think phoning on his birthday. If he is grumpy again maybe mention it then gently at the time.

Leaving it to them to contact us seems to work and does mean that they have time to talk because they have chosen the time to call
That works for us too, nonnie