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How good is taken for granted?

(62 Posts)
Rocknroll5me Sun 27-Jan-19 10:38:13

I have just come off the phone to my AS as it’s his birthday he’s 44. His hesitation answering, and his tired possibly bored tone as I wished him happy birthday was palpable.
I kept a cheery voice on .. told him I had put money in his bank so he could go out for tea with the kids or meal with partner or whatever, sent a book and a present arriving this morning. (Good old amazon prime). I didn’t tell him that I had just strained my knee, it didn’t occur to me at the time but after the call which I quickly ended after he said he had to have cup of coffee..I felt a bit flat and stupid.
My question is do you think some children are so secure in your love that your attention is bordering on boring?. You hear so much of illtreated children longing for a bit of parental attention. Somewhere in between would be nice.
Does anyone else experience this? And is there anything to be done? And it is his birthday.....

Teetime Sun 27-Jan-19 10:41:06

Perhaps he finds his birthday depressing, perhaps something else is going on with him. Try not to be upset you did a nice thing- its not you.

crazyH Sun 27-Jan-19 10:46:43

I am certainly taken for granted. As for phone calls ....non existent. So now, I just text. Ofcourse and TRY to see them at least once a week and in the case of one son, once a fortnight (maybe).
I practically have brought up my 2 grandchildren (by daughter). I live on my and very often she used to ask me over for Sunday lunch ....don't know when I last went over. All my children live just 10 mins drive away.
It's sad, but there are lot of us in the same boat.

MissAdventure Sun 27-Jan-19 10:54:27

I think a lot of adult children revert back to childhish behaviour when talking to their parents.
Its probably habit more than anything else.
Mean though.

leyla Sun 27-Jan-19 11:01:33

I am ashamed to say that my DH is sometimes like that with his DM. I find it very rude and ungrateful. Occasionally she picks him up on it which is what I think you should do, gently. Perhaps text first tomorrow to find out when would be a good time for a call. Start the chat by checking present has arrived, hope he likes it, etc., then tell him that you were a bit upset.
I don’t think it’s because mu DH doesn’t love my MIL. I think it’s because he gets tired and it’s all about the timing of the call (not that I think that is any excuse).

March Sun 27-Jan-19 11:10:01

He could of just woke up, hence the 'I need coffee' which is usually my first thought.

glammanana Sun 27-Jan-19 11:14:20

Rocknroll Could your son have had a celebration last night and felt a bit tired or is he always like that ?
If he has had a b7sy week at work he could be tired,I know how you feel with regard to responses you get when phoning one of my sons is always the happy chap and enquires about me and his dad and what we are up to,the other son well !! its like pulling teeth but we get there in the end.

EllanVannin Sun 27-Jan-19 11:19:44

Lives are so busy today and there's far more stress and worry than there ever was which must make it difficult to have " light-hearted " conversations when a person can't shut-off from work and home concerns.
I don't hear/see much from my own daughter but I know that she's working umpteen hours and when/if she has time off half her day is spent sleeping so I don't bother her.
These are uncertain times so there's bound to be concerns of sorts and because most of us here have all the time in the world to mull over many things that don't particularly matter, spare a thought for those living in this world at the present moment. I'd hate it to be honest and am glad to be the age I am and not having to be reliant on a wage coming in.

RosieLeah Sun 27-Jan-19 11:24:01

I think it can be difficult for children to see their parents as people. Therefore 'mum' is taken for granted. She will always be there, and she will put up with you no matter what you do. If my son spoke to me in such an off-hand manner, I wouldn't bother phoning him again.

janeainsworth Sun 27-Jan-19 11:25:43

Don’t take it to heart rocknroll.
Some people don’t like chatting on the phone. I don’t either. I found the weekly phone calls with DM and DMiL quite a strain though I loved them both.
Do you see your DS very often? I think it’s what he’s like when you’re with him that matters more.
FWIW, I wouldn’t say anything to him. You don’t want to seem needy over something as trivial as a phone call.
I often feel a bit sad on AC’s birthdays. Time passing and the memories of when they were little.

Rocknroll5me Sun 27-Jan-19 11:52:29

Thanks helps to know we are understood and not alone.

Nonnie Sun 27-Jan-19 12:11:36

I can only speak about my own family but one DS gets 'hangry' when he hasn't eaten and can come across as grumpy and sometimes critical but he makes up for it at other times. He leads a very busy life and often works very long days so I never call him, I leave him to call me. We text, WhatsApp and email but he has a reputation for not always responding and not just to us. Another has two young children so is very busy but he messages quite often and we skype at weekends (sometimes at other times too) but not every weekend. Leaving it to them to contact us seems to work and does mean that they have time to talk because they have chosen the time to call.

janeainsworth Sun 27-Jan-19 12:26:07

Leaving it to them to contact us seems to work and does mean that they have time to talk because they have chosen the time to call
That works for us too, nonnie

mumofmadboys Sun 27-Jan-19 13:08:38

Imho it would be best not to say anything this time. Let it go knowing you did the right think phoning on his birthday. If he is grumpy again maybe mention it then gently at the time.

Washerwoman Sun 27-Jan-19 20:05:28

Two of my daughters I feel I can phone anytime they aren't in work if needed and get a cheery reception,or if they are busy and can't talk will tell me politely and invariably text or call later.My other DD can be brusque to the point of rudeness if she is tired /hungry or not in the mood to talk both on and off the phone.It can be very hurtful, but nowadays I generally leave her to get in touch then I can't get it wrong !
My brother is exactly the same with my mum.He is retired and plenty of free time,but no more patience at times it seems.I have ticked him off before now as mum's very old and frail and I know he loves her and will regret it if his last conversation is snappy one.It is all too easy to take family for granted isn't it ?

Lily65 Sun 27-Jan-19 20:16:11

44? I wouldn't bother.

BradfordLass72 Sun 27-Jan-19 20:35:18

When a man gets to 44 (or a woman too for that matter) it can be a death knell of being "no longer young".

In extreme cases they buy Harleys and mistresses - the quieter ones just begin to think, ""what's it all about?'

It may be your son is upset about being 44 and doesn't see it as a cause for celebration - whereas you remember the day he was born and bless it and him.

On the other hand, he may be having troubles at work, or one of the children or his partner was playing up just before you called. He may not feel very well and have had a bad night or just be dog tired (hence the need for coffee). In fact any one of a 101 reason he sounded less than enthusiastic.

"do you think some children are so secure in your love that your attention is bordering on boring?"

Now why would you think he was bored? Isn't it more likely the above scenarios are nearer the truth?
Be glad he's secure in your love and don't worry him with your sprained knee, there's nothing he can do about it, is there?

Cabbie21 Sun 27-Jan-19 20:50:05

I never phone my son as I don’t know when he is busy
(which is almost always). We text each other if we are trying to make an arrangement, or email for less urgent stuff. He is pretty good at answering. We can go weeks without meeting up but everything is fine when we do, so that is Ok.

Cherrytree59 Sun 27-Jan-19 20:52:37

Our children probably only think of the occasion as being the date of their birth and forget that it is also the day that we gave birth to

crazyH Sun 27-Jan-19 20:56:05

To be honest , I wouldn't tell my children about my "sprained knee". In fact I very rarely tell them about my health issues, except 2 years ago, when I had to tell them I was going into hospital for a breast biopsy. Fortunately, it was benign. I don't bother them with mundane health problems .

sodapop Sun 27-Jan-19 21:26:59

I would have thought at 44 he would have learned a few social graces.

MissAdventure Sun 27-Jan-19 22:05:15

I agree.
Its just that for some, just the sound of their mums voice seems to put them into a time machine, and they come out as spotty 14 year olds.

paddyann Sun 27-Jan-19 22:39:12

My OH does speak to his mum on the phone but it stresses him because she is forgetful and always moaning about something .I'm happy to speak to her and she'll tell me she doesn't know what she'd do without me to moan

. I think a lot of men ,in particular dont want to think of their mothers getting old and sometimes just the tone of voice can tell something isn't how it should be.I know my daughter will ask whats up the minute I say Hello because she knows me so well...and I am much the same with her and with MIL .
OH wont consider his mum coming to live with us even though he loves her dearly ,he says he wouldn't be able to cope with her as she ages .He is better with her when he has things to do for her around her house or financial things ,just not chatting ...

Katyj Mon 28-Jan-19 06:37:12

Ha isn't it strange, our son, late 30s is exactly like this.I don't feel like ringing now as it makes me flustered and embarrassed goodness knows why. I'm so busy trying to think what to say , I'm liable to say something daft, which he will then picks up on, and make me feel worse Just had a call from him yesterday wanting a favour from us , completely different then, bright breezy voice, asking how I am first.Makes me feel totally invisible and sad .

sodapop Mon 28-Jan-19 11:07:42

Why do people make so many excuses for the rudeness of adult children. A man of 44 should surely have some social skills. We wouldn't tolerate this from friends so why ?