I've been banned from my stepson's wedding.....

I think you are better out of the relationship with your Stepson x Send a lovely card and wish them well then smile sweetly xx

I just think you have to let done things go. I doubt any ulterior motive was meant by putting Christian names on, why would it matter. If these niggling things get to you perhaps they are fed upwith walking on egg shells.

If the invitation was hand delivered then just first names seems acceptable, but odd if it was posted. But their reaction does seem to be way over the top, think there is more to this than just the name thing.

I wonder if they felt that your criticism of the name on the envelope was over-fussy and it got under their skin? Maybe they've bitten their tongues before but this was a step too far. I have a SIL like this - you'd think that WWIII would break out due to the silliest of transgressions can be very wearing.
All you can do is say sorry and bite your tongue in future.

Thank you breeze. At the time though, I remember hurtful words being said by all concerned, but I realised that why would I want to be somewhere when the person whose day it was after all, didn’t really want me there. Over the years it has made me realise that sometimes you simply have to “let things be.” Time really can make you forget (and sometimes even forgive!)

Artols you are a great example of a decent human being.

That was so hurtful but you realised your DH should be there for his child. Now, thankfully, you are all getting on but if you had been childish and insisted your DH didn't attend, that wouldn't be the case would it.

If only more people were like you.

I love working with autistic children after working in mainstream. They tell it as it is and there is no mean side to them and none of the playground bullying. What an unfortunate thing for the OP to think and say.

I also wonder in what way the mention of the informality of the name on the envelope could have been meant to be ‘constructive’ ?

When my Stepdaughter got married it was made clear that she would prefer it if I did not attend. My DH was so angry and upset about this (we had been married for over 25 years by then) that he said he would not attend. I persuaded him otherwise, as she is his only daughter and I knew he would regret not “giving her away” at the wedding. He did go, but hated that I wasn’t there with him. But as the years have gone by and grandchildren have arrived, DH and I have no regrets about his attending. We have put it behind us and all get along just fine. Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

As you are quite happy not to go, I think you should stay away and hope this all blows over.

I would object to no surname on a letter, and even more to this peculiar habit that has come into being of "uninviting" people. I am old-fashioned enough to believe that once you have invited someone you have to grin and bear it if the turn up and find it quite unbelievably rude that anyone would tell a relative or friend that they are no longer welcome at a function they have been invited to,

I'm sure that both you and these incredibly rude young people will all have a much better day apart.

Me too Barmeyoldbat.
With respect to those who have criticised Phoenixbfh for mentioning the writing on the envelope.She may well regret doing so but if that was the straw that broke the camel's back then the camel's back was laden anyway so perhaps it is a good thing it has come out now rather than actually at the wedding.
I wouldn't apologise but if the lady felt an apology was necessary I wouldn't do it before the wedding.
You might get an invite.

If it was me I would book myself into a spa for the day or night as well and enjoy a peaceful pampered day and no street or friction.

Two camps on this one. The ones who think poster was well within her rights to point out the lack of surname, that her husband was right to tell his son his wife comes first, that she should pamper herself at a spa for the day and quite rightly not be blamed for not liking anyone. She certainly sounds relieved that she’s got out of the relationship, doesn’t like DH’s family, and has DH on her side.

I’m in the other camp. I find it incredulous to be so picky about a name on an envelope. I find it horrid to tell a son that his stepmother comes first, over and above him. I am also suspicious as to ‘why’ her DH felt the need to tell his son that. There has been previous friction for sure. You don’t drop into a conversation one sunny day ‘Oh btw son, your stepmother comes first’ do you.

Also, poster is only considering herself in this situation. What about her DH. How is he going to feel having to go to his son’s wedding without his, obviously extremely important, DW? And the resulting family rift that is bound to follow such a situation meaning he will be torn forevermore that his DS and DW won’t be in the same room.

You also have no understanding of autism. I do. It’s a wide spectrum but generally autistic people do not understand the complexities of human emotions. So they must be forgiven for speaking/acting out of turn as it’s not their fault. But they most certainly are not ‘poisonous’.

So I am with paddyann monica and others on this one I’m afraid.

You should apologise for the sake of your DH.

It was a bit petty to nit pick about first names only on the envelope.. I have both done it and received it and if I sent someone an invite and that was what they took from it, rather than the fact that I had invited them, I would probably regret inviting them too...

If I was on my second marriage and my new husband told his children that I now came first in his priorities I would have gone ballistic!!! I would have told him in no uncertain terms, that as far as I was concerned, the comment was wrong on so many levels. I would never want to come between any parent and their children. That comment to his young son must have been (and probably still is) incredibly hurtful. Imagine if your Mum or Dad said this to you when you were young, it's just so insensitive.

There no saying how you 'should' feel. If you are relieved, then embrace it and enjoy this new freedom you have been given.

Personally, I wouldn't have bothered about the surnames missing on the invitations, people just go with the flow these days and what's 'right' to one is not to another.

If you are happy about being uninvited, just be happy.

The lack of surnames wouldn't bother me.but what the husband said to his own son about the wife being more important is shocking and sad . There was absolutely no reason for the husband's crass remark In my opinion

When you pointed out the 'transgression' with the omission of your surname, you said this was the 'straw that broke the camel's back' but I wonder whether this was actually said by your stepson. If it was, then it's clear that you were already skating on thin ice with him - my feeling is that if things were that bad then it was pretty insensitive to even mention it because you could have predicted the outcome - on the other hand, if he was simply tolerating you and waiting for you to put a foot wrong before excising you from his life, then it's good that you gave him the opportunity. It sounds to me as though you are better off by not having this stressful relationship in your life - as you say, your hubby is able to make his own choice about attending the wedding and you are OK with his decision either way.

I’m not sure why you criticised the wording on the invitation, as most likely the reason for omitting the surname, it’s because it was his father and he couldn’t write mum & dad as you are not his mum. Writing a surname would have made very formal to his own father. You sound like you need to correct people for certain so called errors and perhaps that’s what he dislikes about you. Sometimes, people need to engage their brain , before opening their mouths. Life would be so much sweeter all round.

Autism does not cause rudeness. Rudeness is caused by bad manners. Those on the autistic spectrum can be blunt and say it as it is BUT they are no more inclined to be hurtful or malicious than those who are not on the spectrum. Autism makes it difficult to form relationships. It is also now coming to light that autism runs in some families so it may not be just the mother who has difficulties with relationships. I feel very sorry for those on the spectrum as I have seen first hand the terrible anxiety, bewilderment and loneliness it causes.

Step parents are always a difficult issue.
When we married many moons ago,my DH had to invite his step mother (who did not like that his father had been married before and always tried to pretend the children from that marriage didn’t exist!) As well as his own mum who didn’t like new wife, and made it clear loudly and publicly very often! It was a complete minefield and very alien to me as an only child of parents still together!
Nonetheless although DH did not like step mother because of her attitude to him and to his younger brothers he made every effort and managed to pull the day off without incident!
I agree whole heartedly with those that say the comment of DH about step mum now being number one in his life (ahead of his children) is probably at the root of the poor relationship. I find the comment at best tactless and at worst cruel! Even if that’s true there was no need to state it and it was better unsaid. I loved DH (and he was my children’s father) but when push came to shove my children would always have come first and it was the same for him.

When somebody reaches out for opinions and advice then they lay themselves open to all different opinions ..however there are a couple of people on here who may take note note that harsh advice can be proffered sensitively ... face to face I bet you wouldn’t be quite so verbally aggressive .

Your husband is father for life , wifes can and frequently are replaced ...as you know .Why on earth would ANY parent tell their child of any age that a new wife takes preference .Honestly and folk wonder why they have family problems !

Phoenixbfh, your comment about autism shows breathtaking insensitivity and lack of understanding of autism and those who suffer from it.

Although it is quite common these days especially by the younger generation to drop titles from envelopes "ie" Mr & Mrs, it's not usual to drop a surname when you know it, especially as it was a formal invitation coming through the post. If it was given to you personally then that's a bit different. It seems there is some anger and resentment against you, and this is one of the ways they are showing it.
This "uninviting" thing seems to me quite rude to be honest. Other threads have similar stories to tell. What a cruel world we have become.
Probably with hindsight it would have been better not to mention the lack of surname on your invite, but I see were you are coming from as it looks like it was not an oversight but intended to provoke you into a reaction.
The ball is not in your court, but theirs, by trying to stir up trouble.
Don't rise to it, some people are never happy unless they are making someone else unhappy.

At my SD's wedding I & DH'S ex's H were sat on the top table & were in receiving line but we all got along well.

SS hasn't married his long term GF but I can't imagine this scenario with SS as he "knows everything, he is right all the time" which has led to many clashes . Since DH died I have had no contact with SS & GC, his loss not mine.

When DH was alive he would not have willing attended any family event without me, DH had a strained relationship with his S even before I met him, it's no fun walking on eggshells, so enjoy your day, be happily uninvited & see what the future brings. I also would not put my name to any card or present, your DH's decission is his own & you need to support him either way attend or stay away .