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I've been banned from my stepson's wedding.....

(110 Posts)
phoenixbfh Mon 28-Jan-19 15:02:57

Hi All
I'm just soundboarding really.
My husband and I have been happily married for 12 years. We brought 2 families together and they haven't blended well at all. We had 4 teenagers between us when we got married and now they're all grown up. The youngest being 25.
My kids adore my husband and we can hacve great family times together. we even have great times with my ex-husband's family too who still see me as part of their family. My 1st marriage ended as, after 20 years of marriage and 2 children, my husband decided that he was gay. A complete shock to us all. It's been a painful journey but we are now great friends and if he were to die tomorrow I would genuinely grieve. We are so amicable that we can do family weddings and times away together to celebrate milestone birthdays etc.
My husband's family on the other hand have nevr made it easy. Mu husband was long divorced when I met him and it was his ex wife who committed adultery to get out of the marriage. She has been diagnosed as autustic in recent years so that will explain, in part, her rude and poisonous nature. Anyway, it's snecver been easy. My husband's mother was very matriarchal and he has 2 unmarried sisters in their 60s. It's all a slightly odd dynamic. We also now have grandchildren too. One from my son and 2 from my eldest stepson.
Anyway GET TO THE POINT. I have been told today that my stepson and his partner never wish to see me again and I am uninvited to the wedding. (we received a formal invitation in the post last week and we were only addressed by our furst names on the envelope and no surname. i know that it is now acceptable to drop titles ie Mr & Mrs but a surname? When I saw them on Saturday I pointed it out and apparentkly that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.
I'm sad about the wedding and definitely won't stop my husband from goimng but I'm actually feeling a sense of relief that I dion't need to go now. Is that odd or should I be mortified. Obviously, I'm not happy about not being liked but I am honestly relieved. It's been such a fragile relationship and I couldn't be myself with any of them.
Should I be feeling more bereft than I do?

Alexa Mon 28-Jan-19 15:08:48

Your stepson and /or his partner are very rude. There is no reason for anyone to be so rude. I think I don't like them.

EllanVannin Mon 28-Jan-19 15:12:49

I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

muffinthemoo Mon 28-Jan-19 15:14:08

If you are glad not to be going, then don't lose any sleep over the disinvite.

It's up to your H what relationship he has with his son after this, but I feel you should make it clear that whilst you will not interfere in their relationship, he is not to expect you and his son to be in the same place again.

H can make arrangements for holidays, celebrations etc on that basis.

M0nica Mon 28-Jan-19 15:47:27

As you say nobody these days bothers about how they are addressed on envelopes. So, why did you feel a need to comment on it to the senders? Was this possibly the straw that broke the camels back?

Are you intentionally or unintentionally always making
little remarks about what people do and how they conduct themselves, remarks that place them on their back foot and making them feel a bit uncomfortable.

I had a grandmother like that, one of her little remarks could drain any occasion of joy.

Not judging, just asking, but perhaps it might be worth thinking about.

luluaugust Mon 28-Jan-19 15:55:52

Are you just feeling a relief over not having to go to the wedding or do you expect never to set eyes on them again? Let your OH sort this one out as to how things go after the wedding is over.For the last straw to be not using a surname on an envelope seems very over the top - wedding nerves maybe, particularly as you have managed to get this far.

sodapop Mon 28-Jan-19 16:15:54

My husband's ex does that as well phoenixbfh just puts first names on our Christmas card envelope. I'm just glad both exes still send cards.
Maybe as luluaugust said its just wedding stress. I wouldn't worry too much about it now, let your husband deal with it. Don't shut the door on your stepson though things may blow over.

Grammaretto Mon 28-Jan-19 16:19:45

Are your AC going to their wedding?
Was it a joke about the titles? Does your stepson dislike you having the same surname as his mum - if you do?
Weddings guest lists are incredibly tricky for people these days. Friends are in the throes right now of venue finding and making guest lists.
I don't envy them.
A bit harsh to ban you altogether but can you patch it up so your DH doesn't have to suffer?

agnurse Mon 28-Jan-19 16:32:16

Frankly, I wouldn't have said anything about the envelope. That may well have been the last straw.

How was your relationship with them before this happened? I have a feeling there may be more backstory here that we have not heard.

paddyann Mon 28-Jan-19 16:42:27

I often just put first names on envelopes ,I didn't think it was a big deal.Its a bit formal to put surnames on for family isn't it?

phoenixbfh Mon 28-Jan-19 16:47:45

Thanks, All. It always good to be able to bat these things around to gain a sense of perspective.
I'm not usually making odd comments. In fact, I have walked on eggshells for years and often don't add anything to a conversation as I know that it will be taken out of context. Perhaps I didn't need to mention about the lack of surname but I did and I thought I said it in a way that someone would've taken it as constructive and not a put down. My stepson's mother remarried years ago, long before I met his dad so I don't share a surname with her.
It's always been difficult and my husband's mother talked of "blood family" very early on in our marriage which hurt my kids no end. My stepson even said to my husband, " I'll understand if you choose X over me!" My husband has told him that he is his son but I am his wife and will always come first. I don't even know why he thinks his dad needs to make a choice. It would seem that he has quite low self esteem and when we all lived together as a "family" he made it very clear that he didn't want to be part of it and saved up for his own property so that he could move out. I feel for all the kids. Divorce is tough and they have all been touched by it. Maybe one day he will realise that it was never a competition and we can build some bridges. I do feel that we are dealing with deeper and more complex scars than me marrying his dad but, again, i don't think I'll say that. Thank you for listening when I needed to splurge!

phoenixbfh Mon 28-Jan-19 16:51:00

Maybe I'm just old fashioned?? I have never, ever heard of surnames being omitted. Even for family. Ok _ I've learnt something new too.

Luckygirl Mon 28-Jan-19 17:00:38

Well - I would just let OH go to it and arrange a nice peaceful day for yourself.

TBH I would neither have said anything about the absence of surname, nor minded in the slightest.

Look on the bright side - you can have a quiet day and you do not have to tread on eggshells all day

Izabella Mon 28-Jan-19 17:08:48

I wouldn't worry about the names either. I did go to my stepsons wedding and sincerely wish I had not - not sure if that helps or not.

PECS Mon 28-Jan-19 17:12:32

So hard successfully blending families. Split loyalties, confused teen emotions dragging into adulthood etc.
Sounds as if you are saying that you were invited to the nuptials but when you criticised the way they chose to address the invitation envelope the invitation to you was withdrawn. Why did you say anything? What did it matter?
You said relationships are strained so why pick holes unnecessarily. Perhaps you did it hoping to be uninvited? Let your DH go happily to his child's wedding and enjoy the celebration. Book yourself a day at a spa or go stay over with an old friend so nobody at the wedding has to worry about you. It is your stepson's special day. You and he are accidental acquaintances.

MacCavity2 Mon 28-Jan-19 17:37:14

Phoenixbfh what I can relate to in your post was your feelings of relief and no longer having to tread on eggshells in a social situation. I have given myself permission to opt out of these situations as I’m too old to put up with crap.

crazyH Mon 28-Jan-19 17:55:25

My son and daughter had a silly fallout and he 'uninvited' her to his baby's christening. She was desperately sad, though I must say she's no angel. I'm sure my son had good reason to uninvite her. I did not ask what was said. It was hard for me and for her children (10 and 11), though they didn't show it and had a good time at the christening. There's always some drama in my family.
Back to yours Phoenix. I don't think you should have mentioned the way the envelopes were addressed. Gosh, how petty of you. But reading between the lines, I think you are glad you are being "uninvited" .......
Btw the relationship between my son and daughter, is ok now....

Jalima1108 Mon 28-Jan-19 18:30:40

Perhaps I didn't need to mention about the lack of surname but I did and I thought I said it in a way that someone would've taken it as constructive and not a put down.
Oh dear, 'constructive criticism'
That is very dodgy ground to tread over something that is so inconsequential.

Can you apologise?

Anniebach Mon 28-Jan-19 18:44:04

You say you won’t stop your husband going, if you told him not to go to his son’s wedding I assume you mean he wouldn’t go?

Tartlet Mon 28-Jan-19 19:30:40

Sorry but I think it was rather crass to make any comment about the lack of a surname on the invitation. What on earth was the point? Instead of just welcoming the invitation you found fault with it.

trisher Mon 28-Jan-19 19:42:43

Try looking at this from a different angle how would you feel if you found out someone was saying the things about you you have said about this man's mother? And how would your son feel towards the person calling you such things? You weren't involved in the divorce so you can't possibly know what went on. The criticism of the invitation was the last straw but the ill feeling goes back a long way and you have some responsibility for that. Even if she is the worse person in the world she is your step-son's mother and you shouldn't be so critical. He must be very aware of how you feel.

Newmom101 Mon 28-Jan-19 21:33:27

My husband has told him that he is his son but I am his wife and will always come first

If my dad remarried and said this to me or my sibling I would be quite hurt. Yes your stepson made it into an issue but he has probably been quite affected by the divorce, and wanted reassurance that as your husbands child he was a priority. Being told he was second to his dads new wife was probably quite hurtful.

I would expect your husband to say something along the lines of you and his son being equal, not that you came first.

Pat1949 Mon 28-Jan-19 22:06:27

Oh dear, you seem to have needlessly dug yourself into a hole. Personally, I would apologise maybe not prior to the wedding but after as it may be taken that your only apologising to get your invite back. As for your husband telling him that you will always come first must be quite hurtful even if you do. If you feel relief at not going I really would give it no more thought. Incidentally, lots of people put christian names on envelopes leaving surname off.

craftergran Tue 29-Jan-19 07:22:21

I would apologise but after the wedding.

If you have to walk on eggshells around him then it is not surprising that you have said something he found cause to be upset about.

I'd stick to hello, goodbye and yes and no next time you have to be in his company but I would avoid having to be in his company as much as is possible. People looking for fault will always find it.

Send DH off to see him alone after the wedding and relax doing your own thing.

Madgran77 Tue 29-Jan-19 07:54:11

If your husbands ex wife has been diagnosed with autism then does that also possibly apply to other family members including their children? If so then that might explain the generally difficult relationships.
The OP has accepted she would have been better not mentioning the addressing; she doesn't ned endlesslly reminding of her mistake.