I've been banned from my stepson's wedding.....

Blimey! Sounds to me as though there are plenty of eggshells on gransnet. I would hope that this group could accept someone's feelings of hurt, however they are expressed, without so much sniping criticism. I have thought about leaving a few times. This may well push me to do so.

They sound odd and you're best off out of it, in my opinion!

Two views from our house!

My feeling is that you accept not going to the wedding and plan a lovely day with friends. If you go you may make things worse, be treading on eggshells, etc. I think your husband can go in his own right. You can have a diplomatic illness, or preorganised family event.

My husband, a widower with three children when we met, thought that no one should be telling anyone what to do, but he thought that your husband might have a talk with his son, on his own, to try to find out what the real problem is, and find out how it could be resolved.

Hope the day goes well, no matter what happens ?

I do get some feeling of the OP doesn't really like the step family, for whatever reason and that's completely her right to not like certain people. It sounds like it's almost a relief to have it formalised by the wedding uninvite, so everyone can stop pretending. It's not a situation I'd like, but it may suit her!

If it was me I would ask my DH not to go ,perhaps this would be selfish but surely his wife comes first. Happy to say we would not be in this position as we have no step children but step granchildren and we all get on so well together. I could no see how this would ever change .

If you’re genuinely not bothered/relieved, then I would suggest sending them a joint wedding day card from your husband and yourself. At meetings afterwards remain friendly (and dignified). All sounds a bit ‘high pressure’ just now and probably best not reacted to.

At my Stepson's wedding, my DIL, who had fallen out with my DD over me, made it a thing to give all the parents and step-parents a little gift with the exception of me. I noted it and was hurt about it but I kept quiet. She is entitled to her feelings. Although I was a bit sad that she felt the need to so publicly display them, I knew I wouldn't make her like me any more by tackling her about it. Fast forward a few years and she is actually very thoughtful about me. Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is the best way forward...even over the way an envelope is addressed!!!

I m unsure why you would worry about lack of a name they are family so not speaking formally however it’s done now
I ve never in all my life heard of being uninvited what a strange concept you can’t take away something once given
I too don’t like at all the fact that your husband said he put you first over his children! No man would eve4 come over my own children I m afraid ( probably why I’m on my own ?)
Let it all drop it’s a very awkward situation though for all of you

The poor boy. He went through the divorce of his parents which often makes children, at any age, feel insecure. He needed to know that he was still important to his parents. Then his father met and married another woman. A lovely new loving family but then his father announced that the new wife is more important than his own son. The seed of resentment was well and truly planted here. Then to make matters worse the new wife seems to feel that that is acceptable. Did you ever tell your own children that your husband is more important than them? I'm sorry to be so blunt but I am not surprised that your stepson doesn't want to acknowledge that you share his father's name. You seem to me to be a very selfish and insensitive person.

Why would you even want to consider going? You sound like you have a wonderful caring family yourself..there are so many positive aspects of your life, sounds like you have had a lucky escape

Typical of people who deflect and transfer their issues onto someone else so they can feel hurt.. seen it so many times.. somethings cannot be fixed or are not worth fixing.. people are irrational if they can’t process their emotions .. stay strong..much better to not go ..infact probably a relief you don’t need to feel guilty about feeling.. they don’t like you and you are perfectly entitled to not like them !

In the days when people followed wedding etiquette second spouses were expected to take a back seat; the parents of the bride and groom were involved in the marriage ceremony, therefore seated in the front seats during the service, and also at the top table during the wedding breakfast. Etiquette developed for a reason, to smooth over difficult situations; now it is largely ignored and all sorts of offence is given and taken by people because they don't understand the conventions, and the reasons for them.
Goes back to the reason for manners: never knowingly cause distress to anyone.

I'm afraid I would never have mentioned how an invitation was addressed. There isn't so much formality these days and I find it difficult sometimes to know how to address envelopes at Christmas to people who aren't married. I have never said anything which would imply criticism of the way my DiL does anything.

Have your own AC and their families been invited to the wedding? (It doesn't sound as though this particular stepson is particularly welcoming. If not, maybe you could hold a "bit of a do" yourself - maybe just a nice bbq or dinner for the Uninvited?

If i was you i think i would concentrate and celebrate all of the good relationships you do have in your life. You have managed to stay on good terms with your exh. That is a huge achievement and i envy you that. Tell your dh you don't mind at all so he will go and be there for his son. I would be planning a spa day out and get ticket so it will be too late if stepson changes his mind. You can now avoid a day of stepping on egg shells and feeding uncomfortable and swap for a relaxing spa day. Your dh can take you out for a nice meal a few days later and he will be proud of how well you dealt with situation.

Grannytotwins, do you have step children? I think it is very important a father attends his sons wedding and what would the other guests think if he wasn’t there because of a 2nd wife’s feelings. It is his sons wedding day and it seems the op and her husband are willing to rise above the SS’s behaviour and show they care for this son. If he doesn’t go it would be the end of any relationship with his son. It won’t be the end of his relationship with his wife.

The op seems to have a happy and supportive family so I think she can manage to let her husband keep in touch with his son and except her company is not required.

And in any case, if the autism is behind any unusual behaviour, then it's not rude or poisonous, it's an unintentional side effect of the condition.

You sound to me as if a big weight has been dropped from your shoulders.
If you have not been invited to the wedding because of mentioning the envelope then that is pathetic.
Give no more thought about it.
I don't enjoy weddings -too much hanging about and listening to boring speeches so if it were me I would be not too bothered.
Your husband quite rightly puts you first as he should.
On the day of the wedding I would take yourself out and do what YOU want to do.
I hope you will let us know how you get on.
Best wishes to you.

I am slightly upset that you blame autism for poisonous behaviour. I am on the spectrum and I am never rude or unreasonable. You can be nice or rude or poisonous but autistic people are as different in personality as the general population. She is rude and poisonous because that’s her personality alongside the autism, not because of it.

Assuming that they gave the invite to you, in which case it would be very usual to leave out surnames. But in any case there was really no need to say anything. I imagine the feel that you are just waiting to find fault. At the end of the day he will always be your husbands son so it would be as well to make the best of it. I always think there is something in the 'least said, soonest mended' school of thought. As it stands your're not going and everyone (including you) seems fine with that. I would however think you should apologise to your stepson.

I don't think it would have occurred to me to make a fuss about what was on an envelope, unless it literally said something like Mrs Fat Slag. It's possible they were not sure whether or not you'd taken his surname and left it out rather than get it wrong. I have done this on occasion for that very reason and never once has someone been funny with me over the omission. On the other hand banning you from the wedding over it was also overreaction... unless.... things got really heated?

I was invited to my Stepdaughters wedding, ten years ago. My hubbys ex dragged my husband to the front pew in church and sent her hubby to stand with me. Her husband suggested we should leave there and then, at the reception we were totally ignored and were made to sit on a shame table where we could neither see the top table or be seen. My son and daughter (the brides half sister) were also sat on this table. I might respectfully suggest you have a get out of jail card, embrace it and spend the day doing something lovely for yourself.

My step daughter didn’t tell her father or myself that she was getting married, let alone invite us. Then she threw a huge strop because she wasn’t invited to my daughter’s wedding, having hardly spoken to her in the previous 12 years since they met. My step daughter and her husband no longer speak or have anything to do with me or my side of the family, and it is fantastic! It is sad for my husband as I don’t go with him when he sees the grandchildren. But after thirteen years of walking on eggshells and wondering what is going to upset her next, it is a huge relief. My husband supports me and can see that it is his daughter who is in the wrong. It is certainly true that you can choose your friends but not your relatives. However you can choose not to be friends with those relatives that are not worth your effort and cause nothing but trouble.

Personally I have been in the same situation, I made a decision that I wouldn't accept that anger or dislike towards me or my children and oneday grandchikdren. Keep away from them as on their terms it will never be a happy environment for you. Your husband can visit them on his own, tough for him but your health and peace of mind is more important.

Park it.